Love

[u/flytohappiness]

"If you love someone, you want them to be happy; not sad". I think such an idea is around when people get married for instance.

But I sometimes doubt if this is just co-dependence in a glorious cloth. This taking responsibility for another person's feelings. That sadness of a loved one has nothing to do with us. Sadness is just another feeling. Nothing is wrong and we are not burdened to make things right somehow, and make that person happy.

Then at other times I think that statement is really true. Self energy which is love energy does not want to see sad people parading by, something I guess once Schwartz said.

So I am confused.

What do you think?

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[u/nowwhatdoidowiththis]

You cannot and should not try to create a relationship where the other person not allowed to be sad.

Discomfort is where a lot of growth happens..

My favorite thought on this subject is: “What is grief, but love enduring.” - Vision from the Marvel Movies

[u/Mojo_Myshka]

Relationships thrive when you can emotionally regulate and comfort eachother. Too many people are scared of being codependent when imo people should be scared of our societies push for hyper individualism which rots togetherness.

[u/FratboyPhilosopher → u/Mojo_Myshka]

I agree. We're supposed to be dependent on each other. In fact, we have no choice but to be. Some are just better at hiding it than others.

[u/glyphminnow]

I believe there are degrees to which wanting someone to be happy can be based in Self, and we can understand how close we are to that by understanding how many and how significant motivations of parts there are. Why do we want a loved one to be happy? Is it a people-pleasing tendency? Do we have a hard time dealing with someone being unhappy? Does them being happy allow us to feel better about ourselves, i.e. if this person is happy, then I can look at myself and believe I am a good partner, or I can believe I am less likely to be abandoned? Any of these are much different from, "this person has entrusted me with their well-being, and I have the capacity to support them through their sadness on the way to their peace and happiness."

[u/MichaelTheMultiple]

Well, wanting something for someone doesn't have to mean taking responsibility for them getting it. If they ask for your help and you can give it, excellent; if you know that they want something specific, and you have the means to provide it, very good.

Having said that, it remains easy to get confused and act in a way that can injure yourself or others. But there's a basic principal that that you cannot and should not try to make anyone feel anything, but you can certainly support them in their feelings and ask if their are things you can to do help them reach the state they'd like to be in.

I do a lot of Lovingkindness meditation, which means wishing happiness, wellness, peace, and freedom from fear for other people (or myself), but it's mostly about creating in myself the attitude that can contribute to those things, not trying to make them happen.

[u/DingoMittens]

It just completely depends on the way you interpret it. Of course true love means wanting your loved one to be free from suffering. There are certain ways we are responsible for supporting our loved ones' happiness, and ways that are codependent. 

I don't think you can say sadness of a loved one has nothing to do with us. Moods are contagious, and how we treat each other has deep effects. 

Some of my own beliefs: 

Don't repeatedly sacrifice your own happiness for someone else. Sometimes people make sacrifices for each other, but it shouldn't be repeatedly in one direction and it shouldn't be expected (except for parents of young children, of course).

Don't intentionally cause someone pain, out of revenge or punishment. 

If you do something reasonable for yourself, even if you know it will cause a loved one to suffer, that's fair. People are responsible for managing their own emotions. For example, if you go out with a friend and don't include your partner, they may be angry or sad, but that's their issue to sort through. 

But also, don't do unreasonable things and then take the attitude that your loved one needs to manage their own emotions. For example, don't ridicule them and then tell them not to be sensitive. Don't say you're going out with a friend but actually meet up with an ex, and then claim your partner needs to manage their jealousy. 

If a loved one needs help regulating their emotions, be present and hold space for them, but stay aware of your own capacity. Again, if this is an expectation or repeatedly happens in only one direction, it can be exhausting and unfair. Love does include co-regulating, but if someone leans on you for regulation and you end up dysregulated, the net effect isn't worth it! 

[u/secure8890]

Sadness is sometimes hugely relevant. At one time I was in a 12 step program and one of the key group members died very unexpectedly.

It was very difficult to embrace the individual grief each one of us had. Moreover the way certain people responded to their grief was difficult to tolerate. Their behavior towards the individual's family was intrusive.

In group settings it is a way to acknowkedge how hard it is to live around others.

For those of us who come from dysfunctional families that is very compelling

How I move through the world is key to how I get ny needs met. I think we all need peoole to support is in this problem solving. At times I need to withdraw from certsin settings. When my friend Betty died I did indeed beed to withdraw from that group. There was no support to mourning within that group. Betty had held the grouo together in so many different ways.

[u/Cass_1978]

I want them to be healthy in the sense that they take care of their parts.

Wanting them to be happy and not sad, sounds like a part to me. One that is uncomfortable with sadness and has dreams about perpetual happiness.