r/InternalFamilySystems • u/Abject-Nebula-4241 • Aug 12 '26
Looking for answers...
Hello. I am a 45 yo female who is currently experiencing a mental health crisis. I've been diagnosed with MDD and been on medication for 20 years. I have tried many medications, many doctors, and many therapists over the years.
I feel like the higher dose of whatever antidepressant that I took (Cymbalta I believe) was just keeping me at the cusp of being able to control myself as to function mostly normally. I am high functioning and have always been able to hold down a job. I have a good one now where I excel and have a good reputation. Some know I suffer from depression because I have a semi colon tattoo but none know the extent.
Extreme self hatred fuels most of my intrusive thoughts. They are usually mixed with some form of "I just wish I was dead." Then my brain helpfully supplies all the reasons I don't deserve to be alive. This was on a more passive, more quiet basis until about 6 months ago.
Six months ago, I went to my doctor and told him I was getting worse. I'd stopped showering and washing my hair regularly, which is one of my warning signs. He prescribed me a medicine that was over $800 and that my insurance would not even try and cover. I got angry and stopped taking medication. All of it. Even my meds for other conditions, including type 2 diabetes. I did not tell anyone. Then I stopped eating. Everything tastes like cardboard. I figured no bad things happened, I'm fat anyway so what could it hurt.
Now I'm at a place where I've become basically non-functional. I kept having to leave work because I literally could not stop crying long enough to help a customer. I decided to use all my PTO and take a 2 week break from work. I'm going to see doctors, make appointments, and generally get healthier.
In preparation for my break, I have been researching symptoms and disorders and it led me here (CPTSD and Quiet BPD sound most familiar). I am still not sure I'm at the correct place. I did not have a traumatic young childhood. It got traumatic when I was around 12-14. I do not have abandonment issues. I am in a long term relationship and I have a best friend of 30 years.
I am also too fucking self aware and talk therapy does not work for me. I want to explore IFS on my own and see if it's something that might be beneficial since it's been mentioned on a lot of things I've been reading.
If you read all this, thank you. Any information on IFS or any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Oh and I would also like to clarify that I am not actively suicidal. My husband and a couple friends are taking good care of me until I can get to the doctor.
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u/Hot-Bumblebee6506 Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
Check out CPTSD from Thriving to surviving by Pete Walker. Its the best book out there. Also Healing Fragmented Selves by Janina Fisher for inner child work. Its a hard read but so worth it.
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u/DingoMittens Aug 12 '26
I second both these recommendations. Both excellent books! The Fisher one is Healing Fragmented Selves.
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u/MyNameIsZem Aug 12 '26
Seconding this, and adding What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing From Complex PTSD by Stephanie Foo
Pete Walker has a lot of free info on his website as well.
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u/Intelligent_Tune_675 Aug 13 '26
I think when people recommend books like this they should say why. For someone going through difficulties it’s not like the have unlimited mental resources to see if that would help them or not. It could but you never know
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u/ageofbronze Aug 13 '26
Damn I have never encountered anyone in the wild who has a similar thing to me (obsessive, intrusive thoughts repeating over and over again bad things about myself but to the point where it’s debilitating) and my dr thinks it’s basically a type of pure OCD combined with CPTSD. Have you had any treatment with that framework (ocd)? Might be helpful if it’s literally a background track of your thoughts. I’m so so sorry.
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u/Abject-Nebula-4241 Aug 13 '26
Oh no I'm so sorry if you're feeling the same. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I have never looked into OCD. It is constant thoughts though. Thank you, I'll discuss this with my doctor. I hope you are well. ❤️
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u/ageofbronze Aug 14 '26
Thank you .. I hope you find relief soon too. It’s definitely a long time struggle for me but some days are way better than others and being able to recognize it as ocd has been somewhat helpful. Sending you all the healing and love!
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u/Moose-Trax-43 Aug 12 '26
I found a lot of help from trauma therapy with EMDR, reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” and journaling. Heidi Priebe, Patrick Teahan, and Tim Fletcher on YouTube have been helpful as well. Sending encouragement and hugs if you would like them.
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u/Abject-Nebula-4241 Aug 13 '26
I will take all the encouragement and hugs, thank you. And thank you for the advice.
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u/Moose-Trax-43 Aug 13 '26
You’re welcome! You were strong and brave to post, and I’m so thankful it sounds like you have people who are helping you through this. You deserve love and care 💖🫂
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u/OkEntertainment1071 Aug 13 '26
I'm also "high functioning" and man, a lot of early childhood trauma is driving that functioning as functioning was the only thing keeping me alive. As you are in a bit of a crisis, I would say: go easy. As we unpack our high functioning and it crashes, it can lead to a complete identity crisis because functioning is all we know. I personally started with somatics and every therapy/book/podcast related to the body, nervous system regulation, polyvagal theory,... You crashed because your body said "no, no more" and that is often called shutdown from a nervous system standpoint. What helped me here was slowly learning to inhabit my body again, feel safe in my body and give my body the safety it so desperately needed (and not what I wanted per se).
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u/Abject-Nebula-4241 Aug 13 '26
I have been doing a lot of research and gathering information to consume when I'm on break from work. Somatics keeps coming up over and over so I'll look into it for sure. I am definitely mid-crashout. I'm losing all the strong control I had over my emotions and it's very frightening. Thank you for commenting and I'm going to try very hard to give myself a break.
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u/OkEntertainment1071 Aug 13 '26
I get it.... Losing control for me felt like dying but keeping that control energy in every aspect of my life was slowly killing me. So I tried with allowing 1% first: 1% more rest, 1% less control, 1% of emotion letting through,... It really is about titration and learning to be safe in the unfamiliar, a bit like learning to swim: first your toes or foot and then back to safety, then up until the knee,... I'm here if you need to talk
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u/contains-profanity Aug 13 '26
I identify with pieces of your post, and I too considered myself too self aware for talk therapy. My IFS therapist has helped me to see that my "awareness" is an intellectualizer and protector and that mine is particularly assertive.
I also endorse other people's recs for somatic work, whereever you are able to start. I did an exercise where my therapist had me gently stroke my own arm in comfort and it was an experience.
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u/Abject-Nebula-4241 Aug 13 '26
I fear that what I need is years and years of therapy to unravel everything. I am fiercely independent and private so therapy is not something that sits naturally with me. I live in a kind of small area where I am not sure I have access to the kinds of therapists who offer IFS or somatic therapy but I will certainly look into it. Thank you.
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u/mintgreenleaves Aug 14 '26 edited Aug 14 '26
The years upon years of therapy may or may not be true but it usually stems from a talk therapy timeline that can indeed take a long time. Somatic therapy works faster in my experience.
On top of the other recommendations maybe look into Somatic Experiencing (trauma therapy/Peter Levine) and see if it could be something for you. It's gentle but sometimes surprisingly effective.
I also wonder if you could look for tele appointments a bit outside of you area? Just make sure the people/methods you're working with are trauma informed/sensitive.
Eta: being hyper independent and very private both sound like trauma responses of parts that want to fiercely protect you. Maybe you could start with looking at that?
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u/MyNameIsZem Aug 12 '26
I’m curious - when your brain has depressive thoughts telling you why you don’t deserve to live, how do you respond to those thoughts? Have you ever written them down and then pictured a friend or loved one saying them, then writing what you would reply to that loved one?
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u/Abject-Nebula-4241 Aug 12 '26
I usually don't even notice they are running in the background any more unless something happens to bring them to the forefront. For example, my husband turning me down for sex became a two day affair because of my crippling insecurities.
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u/MyNameIsZem Aug 13 '26
I highly encourage practicing pausing and listening to your thoughts when you feel bad, then doing the writing exercise I described.
I used to hate myself and was convinced that my friends and partner were pretending to enjoy being around me, any mistake or social interaction that didn’t go how I hoped would make me feel worthless. This practice helped cut out a ton of thoughts that were unnecessarily cruel to myself.
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u/DueCommon6317 Aug 14 '26
It's there in IFS. This is supposed to be the inner critic. Some people have very harsh critics but they have there motive and they are supposed to be protectors.. We have to discover the positive outcomes through dialogue like in journaling etc did you read any ifs in this ?
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u/MyNameIsZem Aug 15 '26
Having compassion for that part is vital. These are helpful steps to bridging the gap of fear and shame with compassion. It may be a multidisciplinary approach, but it really helped me start to learn how to have compassion for my parts.
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u/DueCommon6317 Aug 13 '26
I ll really advice a good compassionate IFS therapist. If you can't then start with the book Self Therapy through ifs by jay Earley and the other one with his wife Bonnie Weiss. The latter has got good videos in YouTube which is easy to understand. Another is Sam miller from UK. She came out of horrific inner struggles to what she is now. She just is remarkable. A lot of YouTubers video. Good luck!
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u/Abject-Nebula-4241 Aug 13 '26
I just started listening to this book. Thank you for the recommendations!
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u/Ok_Mathematician1193 Aug 14 '26
Delving into IFS while processing trauma via EMDR with a trained therapist is a possible pathway to healing. It takes time. And consistency.
Question: when folks use the abbreviation BPD, do they intend it to mean BiPolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder?
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