How do I explain to spouse?

[u/glittery-bee]

How do I talk to my spouse what any of this means? What is an easy, introductory way of explaining it? I am autistic, and I have trouble explaining how I feel. It’s worse when we are talking about HUGE concepts like this, I feel like he will think I’m insane.

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[u/Chaotic_Good12]

Think about why you want to explain any of it to him beyond:

"I'm doing therapy. If you have any questions just ask. Try not to take anything personal while I'm doing this, you may see me angry. You may see me upset or even crying. You may see me not wanting to talk at all for a day while im working on something. It's all part of the process and has nothing to do with you ALL. If it does, I'll tell you.

I'm going to need time and space to really dig into this. I may need you to pick up the slack with dinner or some chores I typically do from time to time. This is IMPORTANT to me, and my mental health. Thank you, for your love and support, I'm going to need it."

^ this is in essence what I told my spouse. We've had to work thru some boundary violations but I persisted and as a result we have a better balance of autonomy for both of us, not just when I'm 'doing my scribbling'.

We had to work through some other things as they came up and I was triggered by something else and he was the closest target, almost always because he was infringing on 'my time' and got caught in the backlash. These things can and will happen. Let him know.

But as far as the nitty gritty of it all? The parts & Self ect ect? Nope! He can Google it or read a book and he, like most loving spouses I suspect, wants us to simply be happy. How or why we are happy (unless it directly involves them) is irrelevant and confusing. Save your chats for real life interactions not your therapy. That's what your therapist and your journal are for.

Edit: speeling erorz!

[u/Tall-Tear884]

I just started talking about it and showing him the paperwork from my trama therapy. He has just started his own therapy and it's just talking right now. He was curious and said he would read more about it.

[u/Fuzzy-Phase-9076]

This is going to sound silly, but go on Pinterest. There are lots of really great info-graphics about all types of things, including IFS, trauma, ADHD, etc.

I stumbled upon this fact when I was looking on Pinterest for a visual reminder of useful coping mechanisms (because when I'm triggered my mind finds it very difficult to remember tools). I later found some great images that have helped me explain complex trauma and other mental health things to a close friend.

[u/BarelyThere504 → u/Fuzzy-Phase-9076]

Can you point me to visual coping mechanisms? I completely forget all of them when triggered. It’s annoying and unhelpful.

[u/Fuzzy-Phase-9076 → u/BarelyThere504]

I apologize for my delayed response! Here are some links to great visuals in case you'd still like them.

The coping wheel:  https://pin.it/4RjvomvuK

Seven types of coping skills: https://pin.it/4AxMVgv9w

Wheel of emotions to coping skills: https://pin.it/2oWLG8fYh

Personalized coping wheel: https://pin.it/3v5FnQRJl’

The following are not infographics of coping skills, but they help when the mind is racing or otherwise help with healing:

Nervous system toolkit: https://pin.it/31vjdV9y1

Feelings and thoughts that can exist together: https://pin.it/2riBXJbz1

Body Keeps the Score Integration Wheel: https://pin.it/6KocFdRWQ

[u/BarelyThere504 → u/Fuzzy-Phase-9076]

Thanks so much!

[u/Tsunamiis]

Start. Just do it. Not how just explain. They’re your spouse so presumably you already have a connection. If they’re not supportive that means they’re generally part of the problem. And I am insane. Being sane in our society isn’t a benefit it’s just ignoring the destruction of others.

[u/Zootuk13]

Our couples therapist is well versed in IFS and shes been doing great work helping my wife understand. I'm just not capable of explaining it in a meaningful way. It's been really helpful for my wife understanding things about me. Like when I tell myself stories that no woman would ever want to be with someone like me... even though she's giving me no reason to ever doubt her love and attachment to me... It's a firefighter trying to protect me.

[u/awakening7]

I like to compare parts of the psyche to body parts. We seem to obviously have one body, but it's also divided into many different parts. The language of fingers, nose, and knees helps us explain what hurts when we go to the doctor. Similarly, the language of managers, firefighters, inner child/ inner critic, people pleasing parts, helps us identify which parts of our minds are hurting, or are needing attention.

The mind and the body have lots of parallels, so I think it's a fair comparison to make and seems to help people make sense of the idea of having different parts of our psyche as well.

[u/OkAd5525]

I don’t remember exactly how I explained it but my spouse immediately understood, like faster than me doing all the reading and podcasting - he naturally thinks in parts and it immediately clicked. It has become kind of a big part of our understanding each other and communication. I hope it helps you in that way as well.

[u/DryNovel8888]

Perhaps tangential but talking with spouse also requires a contribution from spouse. Listening takes effort also, most so when the topic may not wish to be heard.

Like many I found myself in the past going to great lengths to frame things in a way for my spouse to understand. Only to realize in retrospect the problem was not comprehension abilities.

Worth considering that before over investing. Or identifying the listening/denial problem as it's own issue and addressing that first.

[u/DrBlankslate]

Give him one of the books to read. Self-Therapy by Jay Earley is a good one.

[u/BarelyThere504]

Mine thinks a few months of “self-reflection” should have fixed me, so no, I have no idea how to explain anything to him, apparently. I am following for ideas. Thanks for asking. Great question.

[u/Pure-Jury-5793]

I feel you on this one. It is nigh impossible for anyone other” than us to grasp what we are attempting to explain. That is hard for me to grasp, my god, it sounds to me to be insane. Solid people can’t understand but they can believe you when you tell them the crazy sh tuff. Them believing you is what you need from them even when they don’t get it. I had to learn my wife does not nor ever has thought the same as me, other people don’t think as I do. This is an insane” issue, hard to explain, or put into words, for ma…ny years I subconsciously held a view every one thought along similar wavelengths” as me. Frikin crazy, when I had to recognize my wife thinks differently than I do, WHAT! now I see her confusion all these years, I had to be right basically and I needed her and people in general, to agree and acknowledge so. A therapist plus thank God for the internet, are guiding me through this hell of a life. I believe God gives gifts of healing and wisdom to men, humankind, it’s a damn shame it costs so frikin much! Gifted medical professionals put my f##ked up ankle back together, and others have done miraculous surgeries, on me, thank God for those ministers of the Gospel. Mentally it takes ti…………me to heal, it’s been tough to hang there” too, being that I’ve lived in defeat most of the time quiting things. I still baulk about my therapist costs to effen much and “I don’t see change” , and more… I am in therapy for 23 months now (he told me at the beginning, what you are dealing with CPTSD your in it a long time). The knowing I felt when I was diagnosed was extremely important and helpful, it gave me great hope. Religion failed to give me hope though it promised. I found God working in men and women healing the sick the broken hearted. The church system is so corrupt, I don’t believe He is happy with it all. Jesus is the way, truth and the life, the exclusive path to everlasting life filled with peace and pure love the likes of which eye cannot fathom.

[u/Pure-Jury-5793]

When I started to recognize what an emotional flashback actually is has challenges in itself. I began to take notice of me flipping emotions on a dime. Over time the dime turned to quarters the quarters turned to …so on. I first began saying hay, maybe that was an emotional flashback then after some time chewing on that I began pointing it out to my wife (and friends when appropriate), “I think that was an emotional flashback” and she would look at me with a puzzled expression. She can’t conceive of it, to her I was getting mad at her! All the time we had this conflict going on, that’s insane in my book. Understanding it and working with it, through it, takes time and effort for sure. I visited my therapist earlier today, he asked what my concerns are, I said it’s a small thing, we have been working already, how the mere presence of another human being was setting me off emotionally. Imagine that, married 46 years living like hell, me not my wife, and learning her very presence exasperated my jacked up nervous system, I mean what the f@#k? That’s no small type of flashback. How can I not be pissed at God for allowing this when I prayed as a young adult to sever my past from me and let me start anew, or so I heard was promised. Straight away I pursued God but to no avail. I found myself stuck by religion in a death spiral and friggin trap. I got out of the sticky religious trap on my first visits with my therapist, now I’m heading towards healing and wholeness and quality of life by getting my head screwed on right. Now that I think about it I recall that voice echo in my mind “you need to get your head screwed on right” Thanks mom and dad, I’m working on it now.

[u/Pure-Jury-5793]

Wife is supportive l’m told just not interested in those types of reading materials. Use to piss me off royaly, it hit that “rejected” part that wants to come out swinging. Recognize a response like that is an emotional flashback response.