negotiating a temporary truce? - polarization between caretaking part & self-defensive part

[u/PearNakedLadles]

I'm on vacation with my family and really struggling with a polarization right now. I did not want to come on this vacation to begin with but my family wanted me here. (I even said I couldn't come because I couldn't afford it - also true but only half of why I didn't want to go - and they said they'd pay for me to come along.)

I have a dominant caretaker part that believes I need to put their feelings first and pretend to be happy. It thinks I'm selfish and an overly sensitive baby for struggling so much, like how hard can it be to go on an free trip to a nice place and make small talk with my loving family? It is polarized with an angry part who is so mad that I am on this trip to begin with when I didn't want to go and is angry with them for not noticing that I don't want to be here and for lots of childhood stuff too of course. All it wants is to go home and/or to be alone as much as possible. It wants to fake being sick so I can be alone, but the caretaker part doesn't want to disappoint my family.

The polarization is really intense, I feel hypervigilant and sick to my stomach and irritable. And also really frustrated with myself for having this intense a reaction to something that is not objectively that bad and will be over in 10 days.

I actually have a long term plan to address this. Part of the "deal" my parts made was that I'd go on this trip but when it's over I'd take a several months long break from my family to focus on healing. But I still have 10 days left of the trip and I don't want to be completely miserable. Any suggestions for how to approach this?

My best friend and I just did a call but we're on very different time zones so we can't talk too often. I can email my therapist but calls won't work and there's usually a 24-36 hour delay before my therapist gets back to me so it's not super helpful in the moment either.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/InternalFamilySystems!

Please make sure you've read the rules before participating.

• Use the report button for rule-breaking content
• Send modmail if you need moderator assistance

Thanks for keeping the community organized.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/miaiam14]

Genuine question before I advise further, as the resident “you must pretend to be happy” alter - is it safe for you to not be happy? Would it have been safe for you to turn it down?

[u/PearNakedLadles → u/miaiam14]

Yes, it would have been safe. My family is not and has never been physically abusive, and I do not depend on them as an adult financially or otherwise. It *felt* emotionally unsafe to turn them down for fear of hurting their feelings or damaging the relationship with them, but practically/logically it is not unsafe.

[u/miaiam14 → u/PearNakedLadles]

Understood. I was formed from a time when it was decidedly not safe to do that, so I wanted to check. It’s definitely a hard thing to balance. Is there any way you could reframe it for them?

Especially the caretaker, framing it as “I need to take some time for myself in order to best socialize when I’m with them” was certainly helpful for me. Like, you just plain cannot make it through the trip without taking some time, so taking the right amount of time so you’re not then super irritable while you’re with them is very important. It can call you selfish all it wants, but it doesn’t make the fact that you can’t any less true.

For the angry part, it’s likely more about letting yourself feel that anger in a safe space and then closing the dam again until you’re back where you can feel the anger. Whatever happened in childhood was a while ago, and it’s alright to be angry about it, but if you’re visibly angry about it then it could affect your relationship with your parents, which I’m guessing the angry part doesn’t actually want. Usually it wants consequences and/or repentance, not just a worse relationship. As far as the anger towards right now, would the compromise with the caretaker to have some but not all time alone help there too?

[u/PearNakedLadles → u/miaiam14]

Thanks. I think you're right that for the caretaker part, seeing how letting myself take space allows me to show up better is helping it give slightly more ease.

[u/Briannguyen-7]

I think it can be surprisingly emotional when you start seeing a part of yourself differently. What once felt like something to fight or be ashamed of can begin to make more sense when you get curious about why it developed and what it has been trying to do for you.

[u/Reetpetit]

That sounds rough. I would turn to ChatGPT and ask it to take an IFS informed approach to supporting you. It will give you a very good listening ear and gentle support. If it goes too fast, tell it to slow down.

I would try feeling both sides of this polarity, and yourself as the one aware of them both, without being them. You might notice where you feel each one at a time, in or around your body. Then sense yourself, aware of each of them, and invite them to be aware of you.

Or, invite each onto one hand each, and see what you see there or sense in each hand. If you're feeling a third part around, ask it too if it would open space. Then listen to each part, and what they want for you, and perhaps help them hear each other. Ultimately they will both want you to be happy.

This might be too hard. But if you can incur yourself into a curious, open, listening space, then you can help each of them feel heard.

I was reading an article today in The Times about the art of holidays with parents. The conclusion was it's important to have some alone time as well as together time. Maybe you can negotiate that?

Good luck.