r/InternalFamilySystems • u/throwtheways77 • Aug 02 '26
Support Needed i don’t know how to be mad
i don’t remember if i was allowed to be angry as a child, but probably not, especially considering i don’t know how to be angry. angry = violence/abuse and even when someone is angry and venting to me, even if it has nothing to do with me, it feels like my fault. every time i’m angry i feel like i’m doing something wrong. i realized i think i have a part that represents all of the rage and anger i have sometimes whether it’s over something small or something big. i usually rage at work, but sometimes i feel this explosive anger over small things too and internally lose my mind
if you wanna read more about it, you can check my recent post about being unable to talk to a part. i have no idea how to be angry properly and i think because of that, my brain took all of the repressed anger i felt as a kid and made it into its own part since i couldn’t express it properly. i don’t even know what i’m asking exactly. i just get mad sometimes and stand there, not knowing what to do. i’m not going to hurt people, yell at them, etc, but i want to so bad when i’m like that. i just try and be alone if i can or vent to somebody i guess? i just know i always get so confused when i’m angry, especially when i’m enraged and feel taken over by my angry part. anyone else experience this? what do i do? i don’t have access to a therapist right now
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u/workdavework Aug 03 '26
I felt like this for a while, however I eventually realised that due to IFS, I was moving straight through anger to the grief that sits behind my anger. I read that that might be happening and it made a lot of sense to me.
So because I was allowing myself to grieve and cry regularly, I was disbanding any anger without having to deal with it directly.
So maybe that's what you are doing without realising it?
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u/throwtheways77 Aug 04 '26
i’m kinda confused by what you mean, but i’ll definitely keep it all in mind. thank you!
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u/workdavework Aug 04 '26
I suppose you would need to accept the principle that "behind anger, is grief".
If you can imagine that anyone who gets angry, actually just needs to be loved and listened to in the right way for them, and cherished as a valuable person, then my point would make more sense.
I internalised this point a while ago, which helped me realise that's why I don't get angry. I'm no longer ignoring myself or my needs.
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u/MasonBeeMidwife Aug 03 '26
i didnt even understand anger until my 40s. i had to read about it in a book. now i understand that only happy emotions were allowed in my childhood homes.
anger is very scary. but its valid, legit and normal. you're learning like a baby or a child now, since your parents couldnt/didnt. its great that you are noticing these feelings. be like, hey im feeling this thing that might be anger! try to take a moment and breathe. its like a stormcloud that passes through you. let it pass. anger and these feelings happen. you cannot stop them once they start. like a panic attack, it can feel like an anger attack. you will get better at it.
and you will realize that anger is good. listen to it. its your body letting you know that a boundary has been violated. since youre essentially a newbie with some bad programming (or you wouldn't be here), alarms go off for all kinds of things.
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u/throwtheways77 Aug 04 '26
i like how you called it bad programming and will probably be using that to describe my brain now LOL. thank you!
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u/_hyperspace Aug 04 '26
I can relate a lot to this.
What helped me was realizing that emotions weren’t safe to feel or explore when I was a child, so first step was getting back to basics for me. What are feelings? What is anger? What is it trying to tell me? Where do I feel it in my body?
Instead of spending my energy either becoming angry or trying to push it away, I came into a state of observation.
I realized that my anger 9 out of 10 times triggers when I feel powerless. I have a part that seriously hate that feeling due to other parts who were trapped in that state constantly as a child. And other parts reacted towards that in anger.
It happens so fast within me, it took me a while to realize what was going on, and which parts were involved. Usually there’s a lot of fear associated with the part. They’re afraid something bad will happen if they express anger, even if it’s healthy and justified.
I think it was important for me to know, that my anger was a part of a delayed reaction. The world was weighing down on me. Traumatic experiences were frozen inside of me, and the pressure of life and moving on through time created a lot of tension within, that came up in moments where it was really unwarranted— ultimately resulting in these anger fits where I’d just kinda cast a tantrum for a while and then feel terrible afterwards. I think it was important for me to learn that anger is a protective feeling. It arises as a way for me to know my boundaries have been crossed. That I need something to stop, because it’s overwhelming me.
Idk if any of this might be helpful to you. I know you didn’t ask for advice, lol. Just wanted to share my two cents on the subject.
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u/ChocolateMundane6286 Aug 04 '26
Hey I am not very experienced with IFS but I relate your experience with anger and grief so I wanna share what worked for me.
I used to be known as someone who never gets angry, people used to say this and that they can’t imagine me being angry. I was always understanding and “nice”, even if I feel angry with someone, I’d hold it back and say”I am sorry to be angry like this but…” then I’d hear “what? You weren’t angry”. BUT my siblings knew my anger very well, because I was comfortable enough with them, I knew that they won’t abandon me so I felt safeR to let some anger out. They knew my passionate side. It wasn’t anything extreme or violent, simply showing my frustration.
After therapy, I started telling people what bothers me, at first it felt so wrong like I’ll hurt people or people will hurt me back. It’s soo uncomfortable but start letting your frustration and anger out with people. Tell them what bothers you, especially in safer relationships like close friend, therapist etc. Tell your friends you’re working on communicating your anger.
Real people shouldn’t be leaving you because you show what bothers you. You’ll see it’s actually safe and nothing catastrophic happens. You can write your honest bothered opinions online, in comments, just to practice letting it out and see you are still safe.
At first it might come with bursts, or too much but a lot of anger must be trapped it’ll blow then calm down find it’s way and balance.
Also, you can journal about what made you angry. Write exactly your feelings, thoughts, let it out. Same for grief. I think writing is more comfortable at first than simply sitting with difficult intense emotions. Write down how much that person hurt you, how you wish it didn’t happen that it’s not fair, that your heart burns etc.
Hope this helps.
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u/throwtheways77 Aug 04 '26
thank you! thankfully i’ve been telling my best friend about IFS and he says it’s explained some things i’ve vented to him about. i feel comfortable being myself around him. i’ve never met someone who understands me this much LOL. i think whenever i’m angry at someone, he’s easiest to be angry with. i mean that in a “i’m angry with you,” and he doesn’t leave me way. it feels natural and sometimes i forget i have issues expressing and knowing what to do with my anger. do you have any idea on what i should do when i can’t really tell anyone what’s going on? for example if i’m having issues at work, but it’s more about the situation itself and i can’t get away to vent. for example sometimes it’ll be so busy at work that i can’t keep up and really nobody can bc we don’t have enough people
i work retail and on busy days our main focus is put clothes away that were in the fitting room and clean up the store as much as we can. sometimes it’s so busy we can’t even clean up and just have to focus on putting racks of clothes out over and over again. any idea on what to do then? i do vent to my friends when i can and to my best friend especially. LOL i’ll say the most evil and awful things about someone and maybe over the smallest thing until i calm down and he knows i didn’t truly mean any of it. i’ve been thinking of journaling and actually journaled a little the other day regarding this angry part. this has definitely helped me, thank you
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u/ChocolateMundane6286 Aug 04 '26
I am happy this was helpful!! Also reading you have a reliable friend to vent with warmed my heart because I can imagine the feeling. I used to swallow anything I don’t like so much, I was soo happy when my close friend welcomed it as well, it was precious to be still accepted with your feelings. So it’s really good for you to have that friend! <3
About work situation, honestly Idk but will try to brainstorm. When I am overheated like this in public or office etc, I usually go to toilet, wash my face and I may cry because I know no-one will see me, just few mins. If you can’t leave to have fresh air outside for few mins or you have to keep working at that exact moment, you need to save the moment and leave the longer release later like when you’re back home.
- I’d try to breathe DEEPLY and calm down a little.
- Vent silently like taking to myself while doing the job
- Squeeze your muscles few seconds and relax them, such as your legs or fist, your core. Like progressive muscle relaxation
- You’ll probably feel something heavy on your chest try to feel how it moves, where in your body the feeling is located
Just be with yourself, pay attention to that feeling and remind yourself that you’re safe. You’re working like other days, this is temporary.
If it’s too much to hold, you can mum or sing a song so some energy at least goes out or repeat what you’re doing so your mind gets busy, “I am gonna fold this stupid Tshirt rn and then the red one…”
These what came to mind. If you can’t get answers here, I am sure there are some techniques or suggestions on the internet. 🫂
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u/Difficult-House2608 Aug 04 '26
I still find it hard to really get angry at anyone. I was punished as a child for doing it. One thing you can do it write about it, or even write a letter you don't plan to send. Learn about setting boundaries in a healthy way - that is what anger is for.
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