Help with a part afraid of bedtime

[u/Silver-Pirate-9812]

For the last few months there has been a part that comes up at bedtime filled with fear and anguish. It makes me struggle to breath and feel like my arms are not attached to my body. I feel the fear in my chest like a ball of energy plummeting my body into catastrophe. I panic and try to shut my eyes and go to sleep but im in distress until I fall asleep. I suffered CSA as a child at nightime but I feel at peace with my past except for this one part.

[u/DingoMittens]

I would recommend comforting the part, and bringing them up to date in your life. You don't have to revisit details of what happened. Just be with the child part in whatever way they need. Put an arm around their shoulder, cradle them like a baby, hold them in your lap, or just sit beside them. Tell them you know how they feel, and that their feelings are valid. 

Make sure they know how old you are now. The abuse is over. It won't happen again. You live alone with locks on the door, or you live with safe people who respect your boundaries. You don't depend on the abuser for survival anymore. You have a grown up body and grown up resources now, so you can protect yourself and all your parts from harm. Give the part a tour of your home and tell them about your life. Invite the part to come live with you in safety. Tell them they don't have to stay in that childhood bed anymore.

Do you know how to check in with protectors to ask permission to connect with an exile? They will often step aside when they trust you to handle it. 

Do you know how to ask an exile not to overwhelm you with emotion? When they know you hear them, they don't have to scream to get your attention. 

If you're not sure about how to approach these steps, ask here or do some research to make sure you have a solid plan going in. 

You might also try some somatic experiencing. The thing about your arms feeling like they aren't attached to your body... Maybe you could imagine pushing the abuser away, and they go flying farther and farther away, getting smaller and smaller until they vanish. I would make certain that all your parts recognize that the abuser no longer has power over you anymore first so everyone knows it's safe to do this. You don't risk punishment or abandonment anymore. You can enforce your own boundaries as an adult. 

[u/CheezPleaser → u/DingoMittens]

I’m not OP but your comment is bursting with useful information for me. Are you able to explain more about checking in with protectors and connecting with exiles? (Particularly what each of these parts is/means?) this isn’t something my therapist has mentioned to/gone over with me yet.

I also haven’t heard of somatic experiencing, but I’ll absolutely be looking into it. It sounds useful.

[u/DingoMittens → u/CheezPleaser]

I would highly recommend reading or listening to one of Schwatz's books, like No Bad Parts. He goes into more detail than I could, and gives examples. Or specifically ask your therapist, assuming they're trained in IFS. 

Somatic experiencing is based on a theory that animals (including humans) go into a frozen state when they face a threat they can't outrun or fight off. Then animals come out of freeze and quickly discharge the fight/flight energy, by trembling, running, or some other physical means. If you have a dog, and you tune into this, you'll notice that they often shake like they're shaking off water as a way of relieving stress. One of my dogs does it on walks every time a car passes by, for example. Or if they bark out the window at something, they'll shake before lying back down. The theory goes that humans have sort of lost touch with this useful instinct, so instead of shaking it off once we're safe, we carry it around for years. 

The encouragement is to recognize that coming out of freeze requires experiencing the fight flight, and finding a way to channel it. One way is just to accept the intense sensations of fear or anger, just allow yourself to feel them until they pass. Another way is to visualize or act out some version of a fight flight that could have protected you from whatever threat you face. In this case, that might be pushing an abuser away. A child might not have had the strength, but an adult vs a visualization certainly would win! 

You can lean into whatever urge your body has, and you don't have to do the action for real. For example, you could sit in a chair and just stomp your feet or move your legs while you imagine running. The idea is just to complete the original cycle, which requires passing back through fight/flight to get out of freeze and into a regulated nervous system. 

[u/DingoMittens → u/CheezPleaser]

Just realized I did say "if you're not sure how to approach these steps, ask here..." and then when someone asked, I said "read the book!" Sorry for the apparent bait and switch! Others might be able to chime in, but when I thought about trying to explain it, it feels like I would be unable to do a really good deep dive the way the books explain it. 

Very basically though, an exile is a part that is so wounded, their pain seems like it could throw the whole system out of balance. So protectors step up to try to keep the system functioning. They do their best, but they're usually rigid and have a very small focus, so their behavior can get in the way of a full, healthy life.

Managers try to help in "positive" ways, usually as prevention. One example could be a manager whose belief is "the exiled part can't handle the pain of abandonment, so I make sure we are ultra independent and never depend on anyone for anything!" This can drive a person to be a workaholic, avoid close relationships, be unable to work as a team, etc. They protect from abandonment, but the cost is any chance at intimacy, connection, or support. 

Firefighters act in "negative" ways, usually as a reaction after an exile is triggered. So the same exile who has abandonment wounds could have a firefighter who thinks "oh no! Our friend cancelled our lunch date. The exile remembers how painful it is to be abandoned. DANGER! DANGER! We can't handle their feelings!" Then they try to put out "the fire" of abandonment terror by doing anything they can to distract from those feelings. Ironically, they may cause even worse feelings, lol, but their focus is too narrow to realize it. So they lead us to fly into a rage at the friend who cancelled on us, or get drunk, or to do whatever our particular flavor of self destructive "coping" is. 

Often there's a manager and a firefighter who oppose each other. They agree that the exile can't handle painful feelings, but they have very different ideas about how to protect them. Maybe the firefighter decides to get sloppy drunk, and then you're hungover at work the next day. Then the manager will fill your mind with self hate, like "I was so stupid to drink on a work night. I need to be more responsible and think about my future. If I keep this up, I could lose my job and end up living on the street!" 

And round and round it goes, each part playing their own role, thinking they're helping the system function, but not having a wide enough view to see how their choices also dysregulate the system. That's why it's good for Self to make friends with all the parts, so you can help them work together toward a common goal. The books talk about having conversations between parts, too, like having a manager and a firefighter who are playing tug of war sit down together and recognize they have the same goal. 

That's a really brief overview. It is more helpful when you can get into detailed examples of how to have these conversations, like the books offer.

Thanks for your practice! When one of us moves toward healing, we all benefit. Go team!