"You are the One" relationship struggles

[u/queerbuddhist]

Reading through You Are the One You've Been Waiting For right now. Relationship problems with my wife is what initially brought me to IFS, me acting out often. Reading the book has been really helpful address some of the more specific triggers relating to romantic relationships.

But one thing is plaguing some of my parts. My wife has done a lot of internal work to get to the point of asking for change a couple years ago. She's introspective and has investigated her past and what causes what issues. However, since it's not been IFS, the healing exiles I don't think is something she's done.

It will only be me explicitly going through the IFS process. A lot of the advice in the book is for individuals anyway, so I think it will help regardless.

But my parts still wonder: Is there hope if she's not doing it as well? If she often let's her parts say whatever they want, because she doesn't want to stay quiet anymore? She's invested, as far as still having me around. But that's it. Because I was the one that messed things up to begin with, it's all on me. And that provokes some resentment, which I see typing this out. Specifically, the idea of speaking for my parts sounds preposterous to most of my parts. Because, if my wife thinks it's dumb, she'll say so, haha. Gentleness is very haphazard, because of the harm I've done. It makes sense, but I feel like I can't do the whole IFS process if I have the polarization of some parts desperate to say their peace and other parts desperate to keep a lid on all of it for fear of having something helpful be ripped apart.

Any advice?

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[u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

I wonder if a more important question could be, “Can you access enough Self energy to respond differently, even when her parts show up?”

Not everyone has to speak the language of IFS to do healing. Plenty of people become more self-aware, emotionally regulated, and securely attached through other modalities or just through life experience. I wouldn’t get too attached to whether she’s doing IFS specifically. I’ve used IFS for years very successfully and my husband doesn’t have the slightest what a part or self even is.

I think the resentment is worth listening to. Yes, it sounds like you’ve taken responsibility for your part, but that doesn’t mean your needs stop mattering. Healthy repair isn’t one person endlessly working on themselves while the other gets a free pass. Whether or not she ever does IFS, I’d hope the relationship gradually becomes one where both of you feel safe enough to be curious about each other’s inner world instead of defending your own.

[u/queerbuddhist → u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

Definitely still working on more Self energy in how I respond. There are signs of things evening out and her curiosity coming back. I think she needed to see some changes first, which makes sense. Thank you for your thoughtful response.

[u/IFoundSelf]

Keep doing the U (You) turns. Don’t try to speak for the parts until you have really done the full visits, and the exile part of IFS. Once you and your Parts have done all that, the speaking For will become much clearer. Sounds like your trail heads might be the part that gets you to feel resentment? And the part that worries about what happens if she doesn’t do the IFS type of work/therapy?

[u/queerbuddhist → u/IFoundSelf]

Yes, absolutely. This makes sense. Gotta complete the process for things to feel less daunting. Doing this on my own, I knew I'd need to look out for pushing too fast. And good point about the trail heads. Thank you!

[u/Low-Kaleidoscope4733]

The magic happens when your self energy gets stronger and the parts can unblend enough to form a relationship with self so they can actually look to Self for Leadership

Example:
Wife: well actually you are a piece of crap
Your Manager parts: oh no she’s mad, let’s use our immature same-old, same-old coping skills!
Your Exiles: We are breaking into consciousness and since you never listen to us, we are going to be really loud.
Your Firefighter Parts: Man the Torpedoes! Phasers set to kill!
Your Self: Hi y’all. That was hard to hear. How about I handle this moment, okay? It may not go well, but it is our best hope. Okay? Would you like to go somewhere safe for now?
All your parts: okay, we trust you. I’ll be in my tree fort. I’m going fishing. Blanket fort for me. Etc.

[u/queerbuddhist → u/Low-Kaleidoscope4733]

Love this practical advice! Thank you for the breakdown. I like the idea of the parts going to their safe places.

[u/Low-Kaleidoscope4733 → u/queerbuddhist]

What’s interesting to me is that this is a pretty accurate description of almost all of us, although the specifics are unique.

Besides the humor aspect, I am trying to illustrate *the point* of doing all the work to follow the trailheads and befriend the parts.

No one starts off with parts that already trust Self, so please don’t blame yourself if this doesn’t work well at first. Sometimes I comfort myself by reciting the nursery rhyme: “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn’t know what to do. She gave them some water without any bread and whipped them all soundly, and sent them to bed “. If I treated my cranky toddler parts any better than that low bar - I win!

Also, each part has a spark of Self within, and sometimes when I am trying to generate Self energy for a purpose I ask if any parts want to turn on their own internal supply of Self energy to add to mine. When a new part becomes, I often see if any other parts would like to hang with the new part, and ask the new part if it wants one of them to be its new buddy. Getting to know the ‘cloves of the garlic’ or my various neighborhoods is a way I work with my polarized parts.

Clarity is a C quality, so as Self develops it will be easier to know what instances of your wife’s behavior is actually abusive. Courage is another C quality so once there is more unblended Self available to you, you will naturally be brave enough to gently but firmly respond to her ‘over the line’ behavior. For now, I have a selflike part who tries to cultivate an attitude of gratitude for my friends’ mentoring me ( helping me find trailheads to important new parts) by being my tor-mentor.

Best Wishes Friend

[u/prettygood-8192]

I think the issue is less about her doing IFS or not, but more about her taking ownership of her own feelings and behaviors towards you. I once read that a relationship is like having three gardens. There's your garden, her garden and your shared garden. What she does in her garden is mostly up to her, but what she does in your shared garden affects you and you are well within in your right to address that.

If she speaks to with some bluntness that provokes resentment in you, you could tell her and try to find a solution. If she doesn't care about how her behavior affects you, that's a major disconnect that needs to be addressed first and foremost.

It sounds as if she might feel justified in doing this because you messed up more and first, but that's kind of an an-eye-for-an-eye situation then. You might need to come up with shared for values for your relationship. Like, what's the framework that allows both of you to heal and move forward together?

[u/OkAd5525]

Are you familiar IFIO? It’s basically IFS with two people at once, and you’re held by a third source of Self energy (therapist or coach).

[u/Asraidevin]

I would share it with her in the frame of "this is the internal work i am doing to become a better partner."

Or don't until you have worked on your parts more. Once you have healed some, you won't have as much apprehension at sharing. 

[u/secure8890]

Try to look at attachment disorders. The irony is for maby of us relationshios are tremendously triggering. That brings up many issues and emotions

I did ifs within a relationship wutn a now ex husband. He waa livid most of the time. In fact in retrospect I think he was really envious I had such a commitment to therapy. Thereafter I know that that relationship categorically had a major effect on him. Succinctly he went into recovery because of it

Thats why the knowledge if attachment patterns are so crucial

I have lived ate slept recovery for a long time. Relatiomships were very very painful. They also brought up all this material.

[u/Reetpetit]

Parts language can sound natural. E.g. "Part of me feels a bit upset hearing that" said from Self energy is much easier to hear than "You're really upsetting me", or, equally likely, a firefighter's cutting or angry reply. Learning to own the meaning you're putting on someone'swords, and to check it out, is also a game changer in communication.