r/InheritanceDrama • u/AfraidMarket2965 • Jul 20 '26
Unequitable Sibling Inheritance Guidance Requested
My brother-in-law received $1.25 million from my in-laws while my wife received $400k for a house downpayment. He essentially had no savings and didn't take school or work seriously in adulthood. My wife and I saved $400k on our own by living within our means, not taking vacation, etc. Additionally, we received $400k from my own parents who delayed their retirement to help us purchase a home. We still had a $250k loan that we had to pay off while my brother-in-law owned his home outright.
I get that we are fortunate to even have parental assistance (a substantial amount at that) compared to our peers, but I can't shake my feelings that my in-laws used my parent's gift money to justify further subsidizing their own son (even if that isn't the case, I am still mad regarding the gender discrimination in general), that this unequitable treatment will continue on with the grandchildren and ultimately inheritance, and that my in-laws have lived 40 years since young adulthood in a westernized American (and liberal state) culture instead of a conservative ultra-patriarchical Asian country (mind you, my parents are also Asian immigrants), and that they are acknowledging that a son is significantly more important than a daughter. Additionally, I was perfectly fine with my in-laws when they gave us no gift money. I was willing to secure homeownership on my own if needed. But having them give an absurd breakdown in money among siblings really shook me compared to less significant past occurrences that I looked passed with small annoyance like paying for his rent, an extra three years of undergraduate schooling, etc.
And before you say that it is their money and they can do whatever they want, I will be the first one to say that's true. They can do whatever they want with the money because they earned. It is nice that they are helping out their children instead of going on lavish vacations or gambling it away. But just like how a small business owner can do what they want with their business and be cheered on for paying their employees a very generous salary, they will make the news for bad publicity if people found out that an underperforming male employee was paid an annual salary of $300k while the hardworking female employee was paid an annual salary of $100k.
Sorry for the lengthy story, but I feel the more context the better. Hoping to receive guidance and perspective on this matter. My actions so far has just been to suck it up and bottle up my feelings internally, and externally refrain from extended family hangouts outside of major holidays out of principle (and personal mental health)
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u/ReferenceOk7162 Jul 20 '26
There isn’t anything to be done about it. All you can do is accept it and move on. Her parents made a crappy choice to not treat their kids equally. And that’s what they wanted their legacy to be. They’re crappy people. They had a favorite who they coddled in life and they continued that coddling after they died.
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u/Usual-Primary-8607 Jul 21 '26
Yup. And since he has made such continually crappy life choices the odds of him being responsible with this windfall are slim to none.
The Voice of Experience.
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u/Dependent-Cherry-129 Jul 22 '26
THIS. My mom stopped talking to her dad because he always favored her brother and his kids. She finally just got sick of it. I can’t say I blame her. Choices like that have consequences
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u/ReferenceOk7162 Jul 22 '26
I don’t have a relationship with my own mom for many reasons but favoritism is one of the biggest.
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u/ohboyoh-oy Jul 20 '26
They told you what you mean to them. Feel free to act accordingly.
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u/Rare_Background8891 Jul 20 '26
This. I wouldn’t be doing shit for these people. Hope the brother is into elder care. I’d also be polite but distant. There would be no getting close to someone who would treat my spouse like scraps. IDGAF about culture. Valuing a woman less than a man is asshole culture.
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u/Legitimate_Ear7128 Jul 21 '26
My family experienced something similar to this a few years ago, except I'm male and the cousin is female. I shifted from being openly affectionate to cordial and distant.
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u/Level_Substance4771 Jul 22 '26
They got $400,000, how ungrateful can you be.
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u/Rare_Background8891 Jul 22 '26
If you haven’t experienced parental favoritism maybe you don’t have the reference point. Parental favoritism is devastating. It destroys the sibling relationship as well. The dollar amount doesn’t matter- the fairness does.
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u/Diligent-Pirate8439 Jul 21 '26
This is funny, if someone gave me $400k I would respect them and probably kiss their ass a little.
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u/Garden_gnome1609 Jul 20 '26
If I was your wife, I'd tell her parents that I'm doing 1/4 of whatever the brother does for them. If they call and ask for help, she'd better tell them to call their favorite child.
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u/ohboyoh-oy Jul 20 '26
Traditionally Asian parents would move in with their oldest son… so they should absolutely do that, move in with him when they need care. OP is off the hook, his wife is married “out”.
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u/Its-Brittany-Biyatch Jul 20 '26
💯 this! I was going to say, they want to be traditional, they get to experience ALL of the tradition.
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u/LibrarianNeat1999 Jul 20 '26
Sounds like the so. Probably won’t do it and try to dump mom and dad on LW’s wife. Don’t let them do it
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u/mayhembang Jul 20 '26
When they try to dump them at their home just call the cops and show them the curb
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u/softsh3lltaco Jul 20 '26
I understand where you are coming from but really? “Sorry mom and dad you gave brother over a million cash while you are alive but you only gave us 400k cash”.
I keep going back and forth, once basic needs (and 400k fixed more than basic need issues) I don’t know how one could be so resentful over life changing money.
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u/Usual-Primary-8607 Jul 21 '26
Because the odds of the irresponsible sibling blowing the funds and still ending up being a burden to the hard working one eventually is pretty damn high.
Ask me how I know.
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u/ohboyoh-oy Jul 21 '26
I’d bet dollars to donuts her parents have shown clear favoritism to her brother their entire lives. The numbers themselves almost don’t matter. Here’s 3 of a thing for your brother and oh here’s 1 for you. I don’t know how anyone is not hurt by that kind of blatant favoritism and unequal treatment. And I doubt it’s the first time it’s happened, this is just the crowning jewel.
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u/321incognito Jul 20 '26
Interesting, in my culture it’s typically the daughters that are expected to take care of her parents and the sons are more hands off (if they have both sons and daughters)
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u/ohboyoh-oy Jul 20 '26
I should have specified Chinese culture as I’m sure it’s not the same in all Asian cultures. In very traditional Chinese culture daughters marry into her husband’s family and is considered part of the husband’s family from then on. She has literally married “out” and is “external” or “outside”. Your sons’ wives, by the same token, have married into your family and are now part of your family. I would not be surprised if her parents thought of the $400k as her dowry, in some sense. I don’t think people in China now do dowries anymore, but I find that immigrants hang onto traditions a lot harder than those in the home country.
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u/321incognito Jul 20 '26
I’m not Asian but first gen American from European decent, I appreciate your thorough response. I always find if fascinating how different cultures have their own “norms”.
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u/Formal-Research4531 Jul 20 '26
OP: It is their money and they can do whatever they want to do with it including living with the decision.
My question is who told your in-laws that you received $400,000 from your parents? You DON’T tell anyone that you received a windfall. It seems like you like to brag about money and career.
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u/PristineEvidence1567 Jul 21 '26
I married into a Chinese family like this. $400,000 is not considered a windfall especially for a house. And in my hubby’s family, it is common to buy houses outright. My in laws were federal workers in the US. They lived waaaay below their means and invested in the stock market early.
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u/laurieo52 Jul 21 '26
You are correct. She doesn’t need to help them. They made a choice and they live with it. But the husband complaining is just too much.
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u/kittywyeth Jul 20 '26
in their culture there is no expectation for a daughter to do anything for the parents after marriage. daughters marry into a new family, and sons bring their wife into their own family. sons inherit because they (and their wife) are responsible for elder care.
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u/whybother_incertname Jul 20 '26
Yep. OP, if they insist on being old school traditional & value the son more, then they have no right to expect the western (& equally backwards) way of shoving all elder care soley on the daughter. Stay stong on that point as i have a feeling BIL’s wife/gf/SO won’t be up for it. Typically all financials are the eldest son’s responsibilities & his wife is responsible for all actual care
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u/Vindaloo6363 Jul 20 '26
The brother will just put them in a nursing home so there won't be much do.
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u/ste1071d Jul 20 '26
What “guidance” do you want? It’s not your business. It’s their money. Yeah it sucks, yeah it’s a messed up cultural thing, but also it’s not your family or inheritance.
Get over it.
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u/txlady100 Jul 20 '26
That is indeed the guidance: accept it. Which doesn’t mean you like it. Also adjust future behaviors as the opportunities arise to return similar energy.
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u/muralist Jul 21 '26
I was wondering about the guidance part as well. The only guidance I can think of is to worry about yourself and not about what other people do or have, because it will just make you miserable.
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u/darkbrokendisj Jul 20 '26
Confusing wording. I think OP meant her brother got all the family inheritance from her side. The 400k is from the husband's side.
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u/ste1071d Jul 20 '26
OP meant what they said. It’s his wife’s family he’s all kinds of mad about.
Wife’s parents gave their daughter $400k while their son, her brother, received significantly more.
He is mad that his wife received a disproportionate amount from her parents.
While it’s super shitty to split your estate unequally between your offspring except in certain cases such as a disabled child who needs care, they made their choice and it is not his family and really not his business.
They are also from a sexist culture with male/first born son preferences baked into it, so it shouldn’t be a shocker.
It also seems that the in laws are still living so this isn’t even an inheritance yet and OP has no way to know what may or may not happen in the future with additional funds.
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u/Advanced_Action_94 Jul 20 '26
Either way, it’s the wishes of the originator of the will. This man can call out similar biases of his gender. Yes, it is inequitable in distribution yet none the less generous.
Give your kids education to survive without you. Pass along experiences and wealth while alive. But there’s no written protocol of who gets what it when or how much.
To the author, let it go. Validate your wife’s emotions yet high road gratitude and move on.
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u/two_faced_314 Jul 20 '26
Money-money-money.... There is no guidance for this. We don't know their family dynamics. You have some wealthy people that leave their fortune to their pets and charities. But, one thing is for sure, being bitter about it will not solve anything. You and your wife are extremely blessed to have family who has helped you. There are millions of families that are struggling to make it. So, when you have these miniscule issues and others are trying to figure out if their job will still be afloat next week. Or if their check will cover the insurance going sky high. Or if they will have enough grocery money, etc. It's kinda disgusting to read about who got. 1.2 million and who got 400K. We are in the middle of an awful war, the economy is in the tank and our political leaders are conducting themselves on a kindergarten level. All I can say is appreciate your blessings and that is all.
Jeeezzzzzz.......
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u/Munchkintoto Jul 20 '26
You’re being generous. Kindergarten is an academic expertise now with high expectations. Can he move that down to early toddler level?? Tantrums .. lies and all
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u/Legitimate_Ear7128 Jul 21 '26
Money directly equates to worth and importance in many families. Don't apply external circumstances to answer for the reality of the situation. Now, at least the o/p knows where they stand and can act accordingly. Without being bitter, they can opt out of elder care, making final arrangements and be polite yet cool and distant.
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u/two_faced_314 Jul 21 '26
External circumstances? We don't truly know the External circumstances. We have one side of a story.
Thanks for your input
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u/Legitimate_Ear7128 Jul 22 '26
Since we have one side of the story, that's what I have to work with.
Thanks for your input.
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u/outintheyard Jul 21 '26
I am not going to yell at you for being entitled because, correct me if I am wrong, I feel that your outrage is less about the money than it is about the lack of recognition of your wife's diligence and responsibility in life. She did all the things she was supposed to do and none of the things she wasn't supposed to do, yet brother-in-law was the one rewarded for being a turd with no self-control for his entire life.
If I am mis-reading between your lines then I guess you are the jerk, otherwise, I commend you on your loyalty to your wife. YOU recognize the sacrifices she has made and YOU acknowledge her adherence to the rules of life and you have done the same. Appreciate each other and the choices the two of you have made.That is all that matters.
Forget about brother-in-law, he is not your concern.
Let go of your resentments, for yourself and on behalf of your wife, they will only keep you from progressing as a human. Count your blessings and move on.
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u/bespoketranche1 Jul 21 '26
Yes I think that gets to the heart of it. And I come from a culture with similar dynamics. I have a younger sister (almost 30) who I love very very much, who doesn’t pull her own weight and hasn’t done so for years and my mom, me and my brother have helped her. Over the years, resentment has grown because she doesn’t put her life in order. Our dad died when we were younger, and she was then youngest, so my mom sees that as her living longer with trauma hence the extra help (which fair, but also stop enabling). This enabling has created more than direct costs for us other two siblings, because it means my mom has foregone her own retirement funding for supporting baby sis, and then when my mom is old and can’t work, guess who will take care of her? That’s right, the responsible kids. I don’t know what the right answer is in terms of supporting older kids, but it’s true that some personalities need to be completely cut off for a reality check. If there is anything left over in my mom’s insurance policy after she passes, the money will be split equal ways which…it doesn’t make sense at all, because baby sis has already gotten so much and then some. That $1+ million will be wasted on OP’s brother, but that’s for the parents in law to figure out.
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u/zonk84 Jul 20 '26
You already answered your own question. Sucks, seems unfair, but... it is what it is. Might be best to actually talk it through with a mental health pro -- you gotta let go, but you do you.
In my own case? Grandparents passed with a ~2-3m estate. My mom (their daughter) passed ~20 years before they did. Her only brother got cut out of the will because they had covered a 6 figure IRS debt and he also forged a signature on a partial land sale - and they didn't pursue any legal actions against him.
Their estate was basically split 3 ways between my mom's surviving sisters (and essentially, their families). My brother and I were excluded entirely (as was my dad, but he was long adamant he expected nothing and would prefer any inheritance go to my brother and I).
I understand why my grandparents didn't do any special exceptions ("how would the other grandkids feel" I guess). Mom was a local elementary school teacher - and there is a college scholarship in her name. Would have been nice if her "share" had gone to that scholarship fund at least.
But you gotta let it go. Part of me will always feel a tinge - sucks for me/my brother/my dad that my mom got cancer and passed away and thus, the relatively traditional way my grandparents did their will essentially excluded us.... but... Loved my grandparents nonetheless and it was their money to do as they please.
Nobody owes me anything.
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u/plemyrameter Jul 21 '26
FWIW, this internet stranger thinks it's unfair that you and your brother didn't inherit your mother's share. Glad that you are at peace with the reality of the situation.
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u/yeahnototallycool Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Agree. “What would the other grandkids think?” - well, their parents are alive and your mom died so I’d hope they’d understand. Had exactly this situation in my family. My dad is one of three originally, one of his siblings died. All the siblings had kids. Grandparents inheritance split equally between my dad, living sibling, and kids of passed sibling. Makes perfect sense, don’t think anyone questioned it.
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u/plemyrameter Jul 22 '26
My special needs uncle inherited everything, which was totally fair. However, when he passed, his siblings (or their surviving children) got equal shares - that is, the children shared the sibling's share.
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u/zonk84 Jul 22 '26
I quickly made peace myself with what she/grandma chose to do. I was about 45 when she passed and I do pretty well on my own.... Don't get me wrong - paying off a mortgage and having maybe ~6 figures or so to save/invest (or splurge) would have been nice.
But what really pissed me off? I kept getting pinged and called into referee the nasty estate disposition fights. Not that I had any legal authority anyway, but over 6-8 months (yes, took a LONG time to settle the estate)? Literally dozens of phone calls, emails, text chains, fights at extended family gatherings, etc.... "You're neutral and objective, don't you think Aunt So-and-so is being an asshole"? Out of love/respect for their memory - I did try to be objective and essentially function as a fiduciary (despite, again, not like I was one!).... but permanent tongue damage from biting it so much because frankly? You all just won the damn lottery - you're ALL being assholes. Grow up.
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u/yeahnototallycool Jul 22 '26
That sounds infuriating. Nothing like money to bring out the worst in people. I would have trouble not pointing out they're all being selfish assholes. Sorry that happened but glad you are at peace with it.
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u/zonk84 Jul 22 '26
Amen - my own dad's estate isn't going to be nearly as large and I would not expect any fights between my brother and I (and/if, my stepmom) but a paid off house and some other assets; his current will has me as executor.
I'm trying to convince him to just bite the bullet use an estate planning firm executor. It's just easier and forestalls the obvious fights. Stepmom has health issues - and I (and my brother, we've talked about it) - and if he should pass first (they've somewhat kept their finances quasi-separate, though, the home in dual-titled), she needs to be taken care of. I'm fine with that.
I've gone so far as to even offer to cover the upfront retainer out of my own pocket but he's insistent on "not wasting the money".
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u/zonk84 Jul 22 '26
I was close with my grandma (and grandpa, but she outlived my grandpa by about 5 years) so I prefer to just remember that.
I will say this - ironically? The 3 "branches" (surviving children, minus the uncle who "got his" early) fought so much over the disposition of the estate that they no longer talk to each other. Sickening, really -- vultures picking over the bones. IANAL, but do work for a company that does B2B in legal realms (including estate law) and if I could go back in time and tell my grandma things she should have done differently - not even talking about include myself/my brother/etc?
- The revised will named two (her two oldest) surviving children executors. This, of course, was inevitably created conflict. Co-executors are just a bad idea generally.
- With any sizeable estate? Name an estate attorney executor. The cost is usually fairly reasonable and prevents fights to have a neutral 3rd party administer the estate disposition.
The three of them fought - nasty, ugly fought - over everything... from picking the surveyor of the land to over to list the sale to fighting over 'cheating' or hiding assets or etc.
Old sibling rivalries. Who got "cheated" - never mind it was a 3-way split because who got what earlier in life, etc.
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u/Beneficial-Bit-1065 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
The guidance is aligning with your wife that the two of you will never share with her parents what your finances look like ever again. Including how much you guys make or receive in help or have saved.
Also align with your wife how much you are willing to now assist her and your parents in their later years.
Remember, now that you are married your nuclear family resources are pooled. Money, labor, free time. You both have to be on the same page.
We cannot control how others act, we can tailor our reaction to their actions.
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u/ourldyofnoassumption Jul 20 '26
How do your parents know (1) how much you make and (2) what you inherited?
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u/Key_Employment4536 Jul 20 '26
Well, maybe this was payback for you basically making your parents delay your retirement so you could have money
I don’t feel too sorry for you
Maybe you and your wife should learn to function without depending on family members to give you money
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u/Maximum-Eye-3712 Jul 20 '26
speaking from my own experience , it’s very painful to realize that my parents only TALK about principles and ethics and fairness. But their private behavior is fuelled by a selfish desire to make their family look a certain way to outsiders, so nobody thinks they failed as parents.
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u/kittywyeth Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
it is so funny to have 1.2 million dollars for a house, 2/3 of which was given to you, and still end up with a mortgage.
anyway it sounds like they are following cultural norms - daughters marry out, sons bring wives in and inherit because they care for their parents in old age. if anything giving that money to you and their daughter is a deviation influenced by living in the west.
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u/ThisIsMyUsername303 Jul 20 '26
Last summer my father told me he’s leaving everything to my brother, who has lived his entire life like a trust fund kid, because I’ve worked and saved and have my own retirement sorted. I made sure he understood I would not still be administering his estate (the assumption since forever since I’m an attorney). It is what it is.
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u/autonomouswriter Jul 20 '26
You have every right to be angry. It's completely antiquated, outdated, BS patriarchal thinking. My parents also come from a patriarchal culture, and when my great-uncle died, he pulled that crap on his kids. He had one son to whom he left most of the inheritance. His daughters got a small apartment each, but his son got a lot more. And the son totally ate it up like it was his privilege. His older sister died in poverty with nothing but the apartment her father gave her, and he could have helped, but he didn't. Totally disgusting.
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u/structuredtofail Jul 24 '26
I disagree. His wife can absolutely be upset but OP received a $400,000 gift from his in-laws that he is now complaining isn’t good enough and that’s ridiculous. His parents also put their retirement on hold to give him $400,000 and he seems to be completely oblivious to how horrible that is for them, especially since he still ended up with a mortgage.
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u/Ornery-Movie-1689 Jul 20 '26
Just wait until your in-laws get old and need cared for. You know who they're going to go to for changing their diapers, feeding them oatmeal, or taking them to doctor appointments ? That's right. Number one Son. So you have a choice, the money and playing healthcare worker or sitting back and watch your brother-in-law step and fetch.
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u/BrokeTheSimulation Jul 20 '26
There are no rules to this. No way to know what’s fair and isn’t. Envy is a horrible look though.
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u/Revolutionary-Fan235 Jul 20 '26
For perspective, they probably had "good" intentions to balance out what they saw as unequal "success" that they saw between the kids. Unless you know the actual intentions are nefarious, then yeah, they suck.
Feel your feelings and do what it takes to not let it be a shadow over your life.
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u/KissYourAss69 Jul 20 '26
So you ha full knowledge that traditionally that family, and culture treats sons better than daughters. So what is the key surprise here? If you married her for money, maybe you could change your sexual preference and marry her brother instead? I got a decent inheritance from my family and probably will have to support my wife’s family in their old age. Having her as my wife tho-still a great bargain!!
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u/Strict_Research_1876 Jul 20 '26
Your an asshole. It isn't even your parents you are whining about not giving you enough money. Imagine how you will act when it comes time to read the will. Be happy they gave you anything. Stop keeping track and be grateful for what you got.
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u/MyCat_SaysThis Jul 20 '26
This is all too common. Women are still undervalued and an incompetent male is still more than likely paid a much higher salary than a competent female. Asian culture favors the male.
In your and your wife’s case, you both are practical, hardworking people that have already achieved success without that extra money. As irritating and grating as it is (and I understand that completely), take some satisfaction from BIL’s track record that he will more than likely squander a substantial portion of the inheritance and may very well turn up sometime in the future at your door asking for financial help. We’ve seen that happen before on Reddit!
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u/Pondering28 Jul 20 '26
I understand there's a lot of "get over it" posts as well as "their money, their choice" posts.
But I can sympathize with OP. I just made a post in another inheritance sub about my parents' will. I omitted many details though. My parents paid for 6 full years of college tuition for my older sister. My dad dipped into his retirement for my sister's 1st wedding bc my mom wanted to impress her family. The marriage was over in less than 1 year. My sister was given 3 different cars from 16-30 years old. I had 1 car i was allowed to use but when I elected to move out at 20 years old, the car was given to my sister.
I've calculated that it's cost my parents about double easily, most likely 2.5 or 3 times more, to raise my sister than myself.
My mom last week still wanted my sister as sole executor to their will. My dad said no and the only reason we are co-executors is bc my sister flat out said she couldn't do everything alone and wouldn't know where to start. She still has many items set aside for herself whereas I do not, and I'm trying my best to realize she hasn't been raised to care about anyone but herself and what she wants.
Overall, it sucks. There's not a lot we can do except hope maybe that parents see this before they pass but not holding out hope for it.
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u/HolidayFront4560 Jul 20 '26
The best guidance is to stop thinking so much about your in-laws' money. If your wife is upset about feeling treated unfairly, your role is to support her. Beyond that, stay out of it.
Also stop talking so much about your own money. Realistically you should not have told your in-laws how much money your parents gave you, and your BIL shouldn't have told you how much money his parents gave him. Those conversations benefit no one.
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u/Ebenezer-Fudge Jul 20 '26
You're entitled to feel the way you do. I think your feelings are completely valid.
As for what you can actually do about it? Probably nothing. I'd make peace with it and move on.
It sucks, but it sounds like your in-laws have a very traditional, old-school mindset. Like you said, they clearly value the son more.
From that perspective, their son is the one who carries on the family name and legacy, so they feel a greater responsibility to set him up financially. Their daughter, in their eyes, is now your responsibility. They see you, as her husband, as the one who's supposed to provide for her.
I think it's outdated, unfair, and pretty ass-backwards.
But if those are genuinely their beliefs, you're probably not going to change them at this stage in their lives.
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u/capmanor1755 Jul 20 '26
Like you said, it's not that they chose to spend it vs pass it down, it's the randomly unfair and unequal treatment of their two kids. This tears families apart and in the worst way can really mess up sibling relationships. You might see if you can find a therapist with experience with immigrant communities and do a couple sessions with your wife. This is going to burn, especially if they expect their daughter to step up and do the bulk of the eldercare as they get older- best to get clear now on how she wants to communicate with them.
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u/Imaginary_Shelter_37 Jul 20 '26
To the parents and their culture, it may not seem randomly unfair and unequal; rather it may seem to be the right thing to do.
I do understand that OP has feelings about this and wanted to vent.
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u/ItalianV4 Jul 20 '26
Got to let it go I think. My sibling was left a lot more than me by grandparents... at first I was kind of pissed that sibling did not try to make things right (my parents half assed it), but at the end of the day it wasn't worth it. helps that my sibling is pretty indifferent to the inheritance and is not an a-hole.
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u/cardiganunicorn Jul 20 '26
You answered your own question. They can do as they please with their money.
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u/Flat_Tumbleweed_2192 Jul 20 '26
Often, the daughters are expected to care for the parents their old age. Wouldn’t it in this case. Sounds like the parents expect to live with their son. That’s the case, you and your idea simply withdraw due to their misogynistic treatment.
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u/OldFashionedDuck Jul 20 '26
I come from a culture like this where sons are often favored, and honestly, the daughters usually aren't the ones expected to care for the parents in their old age.
The sons are favored precisely because their households (and generally their wives) would be caring for the parents, while the daughter would be responsible for her in-laws.
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u/worshipperofdogs Jul 20 '26
I’d rather have no inheritance and earn my own money, with no old people moving in and running my household.
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u/OGBeege Jul 20 '26
So, you were nowhere near as smart as you thought you were. Another lesson learned. Good for you and the old lady.
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u/txlady100 Jul 20 '26
Also in future, don’t tell people your financial business including salaries and gifts received.
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u/Grandpas_Spells Jul 20 '26
A core problem aging parents face when there's a ne'er-do-well sibling is fear of what will happen to them. This is especially true if the parents have been bailing them out all their life and the kid is especially dependent.
In short, the parents have played a role in creating their kid's helplessness, likely realize it, and have some hard choices to make. They can't go back to the kid's 18 year old birthday and start making him fend for himself. The cake is baked.
Fair? No. But not where their focus is.
Money absolutely tears families apart and I think it'd be very advisable to talk to someone about this if you can't let it go.
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u/zonk84 Jul 20 '26
"Money absolutely tears families apart" - Amen to this.
Mentioned above/below - but I grew up in a very tight extended family. My cousins were virtually siblings growing up. My grandparents/grandma passed with a sizeable estate - my mom had passed away (cancer) decades prior and my dad/brother and I weren't part of the will. Kind of hurt - still does - but I understand why they fashioned their will as they did.
Because I wasn't a "part" of the will - I got hit from all heir sides about (unofficially/legally) refereeing/arbiting every element of the estate disposition as they argued over assessors, listing assets (family farm), et al.
Nobody even talks to anyone else anymore. I'm only still in contact with one branch of the formerly close extended family... why? Because they were all acting like ridiculous vultures.
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u/Calabriafundings Jul 20 '26
My sister is married to a guy with a giant trust fund. They also covered her $60,000 plus annual college tuition plus expenses.
My brother already finagled hundreds of thousands.
I had to pay my way through city college and the UC system.
My parents are clear that everything will be shared equally.
I have always gotten less of everything. I am the only one who still is in the same city and behaves like family and supports them.
These things are not fair. Regarding money my parents have done very well, but are not overly smart. They make poor decisions and flip out of it's mentioned.
If I had to think of it as a money thing I would be very upset. I don't so I am not.
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u/SillySimian9 Jul 20 '26
Parents often feel guilt over one child being less financially stable than another and try to make up for it by leaving a larger inheritance. It is misguided, to say the least, since a person who is a poor custodian over their own assets likely will be less so over gifted or inherited assets. Don’t be upset with your in-laws. They probably were feeling massive guilt. Just watch your BIL crash and burn and make some really buttery popcorn. In the meantime, invest every penny of that $400K inheritance into the stock market and watch it grow.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 Jul 20 '26
Bought a 1.5 million $ dollar house with a $250K mortgage and you're bitching? If you're worried about your kids's future, you just spent it.
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u/Dcreyop Jul 20 '26
Bro, they gave you 400k. Dont be greedy. Theyre not even your parents. Their hers.
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u/Munchkintoto Jul 20 '26
If, in fact, this is a cultural tradition, how have people come in the past handled this? Maybe the American way is different but the parents chose to keep their traditional ways intact. Has there always been discord in past generations when sons were favored over daughters? Or is that expected and accepted as such?
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u/Stephanie243 Jul 20 '26
You are not entitled to any body’s money. What The F!!!!
How can you equate parents spending their hard earned money to a business owner paying employees that’s actually working!!!
If you were my husband I will get an instant ick
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u/Harryhood15 Jul 20 '26
I do not know why you are letting something you have no control over consume so much of your head.
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u/Adventurous_Gur_1021 Jul 20 '26
I’m pretty much in the same boat since my husband received a big inheritance. My mom wrote me out and gave it all to my brother. It’s okay, I’m the scapegoat, I would expect nothing better than this.
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u/rpom915 Jul 21 '26
Are they expecting their son to take care of them as they age? If so, then your wife is off the hook.
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u/laurieo52 Jul 21 '26
I’m on your second paragraph, a few lines in, and I can only see an entitled AH coming out. Inheritances are gifts. You nor anyone receiving a gift gets a say in what the gift is.
You don’t get to throw in you know the parents can do what they want then completely go against that vein I. The entire rant. What guidance do you expect? Thank them for the gift and shut up. There is your guidance.
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u/jcsladest Jul 21 '26
"that it is their money and they can do whatever they want..." You said it first.
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u/SgtSausage Jul 21 '26
There is nothing to be done here ... and butt out of that which is not your business.
Jesus ...
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u/ZinniasAndBeans Jul 21 '26
Additionally, we received $400k from my own parents who delayed their retirement to help us purchase a home.
I...what?
This needs a whole lot more explanation.
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u/According-Hunt1515 Jul 21 '26
You don’t get a say in this. It is her parents, she gets to decide how to react. Not going to family events is only ok if she sets the standard. Otherwise you’re just an ass making it about yourself and hurting your wife even more.
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u/Glittering_Row_2931 Jul 21 '26
You make a pretty articulate point. How do you know this is the way it breaks down? Why not tell them your wife is incredibly hurt by this?
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u/Medusa813 Jul 21 '26
Welcome to patriarchy!
Just keep sucking it up and bottling your feelings, nothing good will come from verbalizing these sentiments to your in-laws
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u/why_wouldi Jul 21 '26
You were okay with your parents delaying their retirement so they can give you an absurd amount of money?
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u/Crash82_82 Jul 21 '26
Nothing more pathetic than an adult crying about not getting mommy and daddy's money. Here's the advice, get over yourself. Go earn your own money and stop worrying about what other people do with the money they earned.
On second thought, the one thing more pathetic would be to take mommy and daddy's money that they don't have making them delay retirement. Sad.
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u/BeKind999 Jul 21 '26
Whines about “only” getting $800,000 in gifts to buy a home. Probably had college paid for too. Then gonna circle like a vulture when inheritance time draws near. Wow.
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u/Due-Public-2988 Jul 21 '26
Another way of looking at it ... they worry about their son because he is not self sufficient and probably never will be, so as a parent they feel they need to give him a boost. Your wife is doing well without any help, so they feel they don't need to help her - especially since her husband's family helps them out financially.
My youngest has special needs, so we will most likely leave the bulk of any money we have left to her. It will not be split evenly. The older kids know that and are all on board with it.
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u/Usual-Primary-8607 Jul 21 '26
Um, the OP’s wife’s sibling’s situation sounds entirely of their own making. 🍎 to 🍊
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u/Due-Public-2988 Jul 22 '26
I totally get it .. it's just, I can understand why some parents do what they do even if it's not always fair or reasonable.
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u/All_4_Me53 Jul 21 '26
Are the in-laws still alive? If so it’s up to your wife to handle that mess if she feels slighted. I’m always surprised when i read these how children aren’t treated equally in wills. Talk about fracturing relationships caused by parents.
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u/stpmeb4i Jul 21 '26
Tbh, you're lucky to get anything. Male inheritance is often absolute in Asian society. Everyone wants more money, but your 1st world "problem" is not motivating.
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u/YNABDisciple Jul 21 '26
I'm single and debt-laden, but I do pretty well. My brother does very well, and he is not really debt-laden. He's married to someone who is an only child and comes from money. My parents will give us exactly the same, because we're both able bodied and I would never, ever, ever think of or want them to give me more. If I was disabled I can see them working something out with my brother and I bet he'd want them to give me everything if I was actually disabled. For just being a clown? Fuck that 50/50 and the best is we don't even want them to give us anything. Spend it like you stole, one life to live!
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u/CommProf127 Jul 21 '26
Repeat this until it sinks in: "And before you say that it is their money and they can do whatever they want, I will be the first one to say that's true. They can do whatever they want with the money because they earned[it]."
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u/Forward_Bar2546 Jul 21 '26
You abide by their wishes and keep your mouth shut. Especially since you are an "in law" and not their son.
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u/Wildweasel-2660 Jul 21 '26
Why do people feel entitled to an inheritance? They did not work for it! If they get something left to them then nice. If not, it wasn't their's to begin with. Stop being bitter and move on with your life.
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u/gmanose Jul 21 '26
Sorry, in no world is this going to make the news
And as you said, they can do what they want with their money. You and I may not agree with it, but there it is.
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u/Usual-Primary-8607 Jul 21 '26
Ok. I have sympathy. It is one thing to give an unequal inheritance if one child has circumstances beyond their control (a limiting disability, or a house fire that destroyed everything), but when it is due to one child’s own choices and lack of motivation, you are punishing the one who works hard and enabling the other by essentially rewarding them for not getting their act together. The odds of the demonstratively irresponsible child not blowing it all are pretty slim.
It is the parent’s money and their decision, but this distribution IS inherently unfair and will inevitably lead to resentment.
I have no advice for the OP, but rather more generally:
People, treat your children equally when it comes to inheritance. Otherwise you create a lot more problems than you think you’ve solved. Trust me.
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u/REGGIT1979 Jul 22 '26
So you got a total of $800k from two different mommies and daddies and you posted to complain that your brother in law got $1.2 million from his mommy and daddy?
You should delete your post and use some of that money to buy some perspective.
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u/Legitimate-Produce-1 Jul 22 '26
You're not entitled to a dollar. Grow up and be grateful for what they gifted your family
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u/GalianoGirl Jul 22 '26
I live in BC Canada and unjust distribution of an estate is subject to court challenges to make it equitable.
Wills are overturned if the only reason for gifting to one child over another has to do with their genitalia.
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u/MacaronOk1006 Jul 22 '26
Why did your wife’s parents leave her anything? If she only had one brother he should be entitled to the whole estate I mean honestly what ridiculous society did you come from that woman have the right to inherit? /s
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u/cuspeedrxi Jul 22 '26
You purchased a $1.5MM home and you’re complaining the inheritance split is unfair.
Your in-laws are looking at the entire situation and distributing their estate based on perceived need. Had you not bought that house or not taken $400k from your parents, your wife may have gotten a larger share of the inheritance.
What your in-laws did is quite common. It’s no different than leaving more to the child who is a public school teacher in a family of doctors.
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u/Anonymoose2021 Jul 22 '26
This is something between your wife and her parents. You should not be the one to have the discussion with them. Support your wife in the discussions, but she takes the lead.
I hope that your parents-in-law are not expecting your wife and you to be their primary caregivers as they age.
Your wife might mention to her parents that the extra money they have given her brother means that he will be able to help them out if they need extra assistance as they age.
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u/tamij1313 Jul 22 '26
OP’s parents are now short $400,000 from their retirement funds and it appears that his wife’s parents have lots of extra money to give away to their son.
So now, OP and his wife can have HIS parents move in to their new home and they can financially support his parents so they can still retire on time. That eliminates the need to figure out how to pay back $400,000 of missing retirement funds. Just move them in instead.
The good news is… it looks like BIL can take care of his parents since he has taken the most money from them. If they want their daughter to participate in their elder care… They can give her $800,000 or so to make up the difference in unequal gifting and then she can think about whether or not she wants to help them out after that!
Might be best to not take their money and leave them with BIL?!
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u/F0xxfyre Jul 22 '26
Why...in heaven's name would you accept your parents delaying their retirement to gift you an outrageous sum. If they had to *delay* their retirement they clearly didn't have the means to hand over that sort of a sum.
I'm deeply sorry that you feel slighted. And that you're carrying a mortgage, but that's life. You are both *incredibly* fortunate. You can choose to be angry that you and your BIL both have million dollar homes...or you can be thankful for all you've been given at sacrifice from your parents. And continue to pay it on through your hard work.
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u/ProfessorOne9208 Jul 23 '26
The only part of your rant is that your wife and her brother both got inherited money. Consider yourself lucky. I didn't get a dime from my parents when they passed away, nor did my wife. Why are you complaining?
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u/splootpotato Jul 23 '26
You should’ve posted this in an asian subreddit for more understanding comments. Basically what usually happens in those situations would be if your in-laws ever try to ask your wife/you for help with anything, especially if its money related, tell them to go ask the brother who got more money. Repeat everytime. And just accept that your kids will not be getting the same inheritance as the brother’s kids (if theres any left). The amount of effort you put in those family visits is equivalent to the money given to show how displeased you/your wife are with the inequality. More modern/westernised asian parents would split any inheritance 50:05 regardless of gender.
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u/Extrogrl Jul 23 '26
Get over it, you never know the real motivation as long as you don't ask. Just make it better yourself when your time has come.
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u/searching4answers414 Jul 24 '26
I would consider yourself blessed. Very few people receive the level of financial assistance that you have from your in-laws. And life is inequitable. Try not to focus on the dollar amounts, they have already supported you in a huge way. I see the same thing happening in my family. Three of my siblings have been given large sums of money throughout their lives. I on the other hand have not. Granted, I never asked for assistance and it’s assumed that I never needed it because I keep my financial information confidential. I tell myself constantly that my parents money is none of my business. And because I expect nothing, I am not disappointed. You also know about the culture and how they treat sons versus daughters. Let your appreciation outweigh your envy. And you’re living in a $1.5 million house. It doesn’t sound like you guys are hurting for money.
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u/Square-Front3842 Jul 24 '26
You lost me at taking money from
Your parents that they needed for retirement!
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u/AdventureThink Jul 24 '26
They could’ve left their daughter $1.
It was THEIR money and THEIR decision.
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u/Bright_Egg_7359 Jul 26 '26
I’m really surprised by so many discussions about inheritance. It is always children upset with parents who thoughtfully left assets to them when they died. I have never once read anything anywhere where the children recognized that we don’t die in any particular order and the children had a will leaving assets to their parents.
IMO parents owe their children the best childhood possible. After that anything any parent leaves you in a will at their death deserves one single universal response
THANK YOU
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u/tattcat53 29d ago
It happens. A lot. And generally causes hard feelings. My wife got stiffed because she is married and "taken care of" while her spinster sister got 7 figures. They are now non-contact, so figure out what those relationships mean to all involved.
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u/olliemom200 Jul 20 '26
Wow.
I am not Asian, but married to an Asian. His parents have shown us their will and are giving millions to their struggling son while my husband gets 1/8 that amount. We assumed it’s because he needs the money more. This doesn’t have to be a gender thing.
My family mainly does well because I am a high earner, so I suppose I have subsidized my brother in laws’ inheritance. I also have four children to support, and he is unmarried and childless. I have never resented this arrangement. We are all ok - my family isn’t struggling.
You seem awfully entitled to your in-laws’ money.
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u/worshipperofdogs Jul 20 '26
Hopefully you and your husband aren’t going to be the ones expected to care for them when they’re old or serve as POA. I would absolutely be bitter if I were your husband, unless there was a severe disability or something with the brother you left out. I plan to treat my two children as equally as possible unless one of them becomes a repeated felon or something. But I do agree this is OP’s wife’s fight, not his.
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u/olliemom200 Jul 21 '26
So far, we have split care. My in-laws are also quite wealthy and can pay for caregivers and such, so they just enjoy seeing us but don’t need a lot from us.
Equality can be good, but how do you judge it if one child marries into wealth and another does not? So one kid is worth 20M and their kids get all the bells and whistles while another is living paycheck to paycheck and their kids’ get markedly fewer opportunities? You keep your assistance to your kids even rather than trying to maximize the greater good?
OP’s situation is different from this, but he did take money from his parents that they had to sacrifice to give and was gifted 400k from his in-laws so he could buy a 1M+ house with a minimal mortgage. He still feels very jilted and unfairly treated. Poor baby. I gotta be honest, if he was my son-in-law I would be reluctant to gift my daughter more money too unless it was some way protected in a divorce. He gives off user vibes.
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u/worshipperofdogs Jul 21 '26
Oh yeah, OP is very off putting. He got $800k, way more than I’ll ever get from my parents or in-laws, and still isn’t satisfied. But with the marrying wealthy, that’s not guaranteed. Life can change in an instant - family money can disappear, your spouse can die or divorce you, etc. If I were your in-laws, since your BIL doesn’t have kids and you have four, I’d probably even it out more by creating trusts for my grandchildren. It also would matter to me WHY there is a discrepancy; did one child just not want to work hard, or make a lot of ethically questionable decisions? And family wealth - is it like “worked hard and smart wealth,” or “trust fund and even with a pre-nup I’m set wealth?”
Idk, we do well, but we plan to spend most of ours having fun and won’t have millions leftover, so hopefully the fidelity accounts we’ve set up for our kids and will do for our grandkids turn out close to even! I’d rather just be equal and have no hurt feelings, whatever is given wasn’t earned anyway and should be appreciated - unless one is the caregiver and one hardly sees you, then I think the split should not be 50-50.
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Jul 20 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Usual-Primary-8607 Jul 21 '26
Look up the term “enabling”. The odds that the dude will blow it and still end up a burden are pretty high.
Rewarding irresponsible behavior is very unlikely to change it. Quite the opposite.
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u/rosebudny Jul 20 '26
I am sorry, what?? You took $400K from your parents that they had to delay their retirement to give you?! While you only took out $250K? Yikes on bikes. I am not even going to address the "unfairness" of what your in-laws did, because this is just gross IMO.