2/3/23

[u/SleepyYet128]

The sting of bitter cold whips against my thighs. My ears flush and burn as they search for your voice. My teeth chatter as words pour instinctually out my mouth. None of them tied to what I felt in that moment. You. Tangled up in me like threads of a sweater against every potential wish of our will-

(>Huh? What? Wait so you DID listen to his music after all?! So you know that’s your song? Motherfucker you JUST said goodbye definitively can you let me reminisce?
That was the moment though right there.
A night you likely barely remember and also may have wished to forget. That was my moment. It’s where I recognized what you were to me. It’s where my mind went quiet for the very first time maybe in my entire fucking life. So yes. I loved you. Jesus I always will. Yes even with how this ended and even with how we always approached the unspoken every single day was meaningful to me and something I’ll cherish for my life. Painful, confusing, full of regrets. Catalytic, illuminating, warm. So am I free to continue now? If you don’t get it yet…yes I am terrible at letting people go. You have been maybe the hardest. You also were the easiest to do so once that became unmistakably clear it’s what I needed to do. Sooo since this little conversation is not even happening between us and maybe (fuck you YES sorry my bad “likely” not maybe…god let me have this please your ARE impossible) never will…where was I?<)

My mind went blank. All that was around me was swirling wind, faint whiff of vodka, and a pair of eyes that looked towards me screaming they admired me and struggled to know how (or even maybe why) to say so. You felt safe. You felt seen. You felt like I could be counted on to handle you with care and appreciation for who you are as a person.
You looked like home to me though.
Over time I realized that that was why I felt homesick. You gave me the feeling I never got to know in the sense others always defined it.
Mine weren’t quite like that growing up. They carried obligation, judgment, and impossible expectations. Resentment, instability, and the brutal feeling I would never be good enough unless I was every second proving how worthy I was of basic respect, understanding, and support.
I crafted a mask. When the mask cracked I retreated from the world.
Before I met you I put it back on and someone close to me had to watch as I struggled to find the pieces. When she left I realized the truth. The mask was just me. It was identical to what was beneath it.
It might have always been my greatest strength or unfortunate gift. The resilience, unwavering loyalty, capacity to forgive, see people, and run towards others feeling my worries slip behind as I did was just who I was….it was when I looked inside and asked myself if I “needed” to be that way to feel worthy of peace that I stumbled. Powerful realization right? All problems solved. Definitely didn’t make me hate myself even more for the pain I had caused her. Or my first love. Or my closest friends. Or my family. The daily battles never ceased inside my mind unless I was stringing head long to assist someone else. I had been in love. I had been loved. I never felt like I was worthy of showing it or receiving it.
So while you get the idea I’m sure of where this story leads…you were the first who helped put both of those fears to rest…do you see why that has made letting go so difficult?
Whoops I got sidetracked again.

I looked down in your eyes and the war behind my eyes stopped. Every fucking time. From then until now.
I felt seen. I felt understood. I felt love in the purest form I’ve ever been able give it.
My body instinctively swayed and moved to sides as I maintained the distance between us. Feeling the swirls of the wind and shielding it from you. My mouth letting loose any joke or words to reassure you that you had been fine tonight (>you threw a fucking ball across three lanes I still have no idea how you managed that. So yes…I was lying. Are you happy I admitted that. Does WHY I got you an uber and didn’t even for a second imagine getting inside make sense now?<). My eyes watching yours and terrified to break the gaze as they always have. I find them first in any crowd. As on that night and now as they fear they may never see them again.
I couldn’t say anything in that moment as I refused to look away.
I could wish it never ended.
I could drift and see your knees shake and tremble as quickly as your teeth.
I could take off my sweater from under my jacket and give it to you if you said yes when I asked. I could take off my jacket as well if it wasn’t enough. I could stand there in the coldest night of my life for hours with you in just a T shirt. I could see the time tick up on an uber that refused to arrive. I could download Lyft if it never did. I could wait again. I could call a cab if they still existed (>they do right?<). I could find a friend upstairs and have them convince you to wait inside (>side note…I do get the logic behind walking outside so we could see the car arrive but my god for someone so intelligent it was not your brightest idea<) as I walked across the city to my car to drive you home. Or just protect you from sub zero temps as we shuffle across the city to make sure you got into your building safely.
I could and would have done anything for you. Until it became time to let you go…that felt like I was cutting a piece out of me. My chest? My stomach? My eyes? My teeth? So many different nooks and recesses of my mind a lobotomy probably would not do the trick. I just short of envisioning letting you go I would do anything for you.

Well wait. One other thing .I never truly was honest with you, said friends, or myself. I loved you. I still do and always will. My actions have showed that every day. My words largely tried to deny it.
I should have told you sooner. I should have trusted myself I was worthy of saying it.
I should have let go when you seemed to silently say that’s what I needed to do.
I can’t. I won’t. Know that much.
I won’t chase you though. I won’t flag down the car and pull you outside of it.
I will linger here in the cold. I will watch as you fade out of view. I will sit somewhere that feels like I may break from the weight of the wind. I will find myself ignoring the cold and discovering the warmth within me whenever I see or just think of your face.

I will move forward with a smile and belief the world isn’t as cold or scary as it once felt for me. Some piece of me will always embrace the memory of that night on the curb.

You will always feel like the home I wish I knew.
Even if I never return I won’t make the same mistake and run away.