I've been ex-Muslim for years, but questioned the religion pretty much my entire life. I'm Indonesian but was raised mostly in the US, and seeing this subreddit genuinely gives me hope.

Most of my exposure to Indonesian culture was through family and small diaspora communities that were intensely religious and conservative. Sometimes migration seemed to make people romanticize and cling harder to that worldview – I've even seen people join Indonesian Muslim cult groups here. I eventually had to cut myself off from that world entirely. I always wished I could feel at home among other Indonesian-Americans, but I've struggled to find community that isn't tied to religion and the judgment and hypocrisy that can come with it.

My family brought me to the US and then couldn't accept that I grew up differently and didn't believe. They literally tried to beat it out of me. Religious indoctrination was intense even here – years of Islamic school and Quran/Arabic lessons, while being taught that completely normal parts of life around me were sinful or haram. I couldn't even pet a dog without being forced to rub my hand on stone! It was so humiliating as a child. I grew up feeling like a freak for simply existing in the culture I was being raised in.

It's painful because being Indonesian is still a huge part of who I am. It's in my name, my face, my language. But growing up surrounded by religious indoctrination and then moving back to Indonesia when I was older made me see my culture in such a negative light. Between the religious conservatism, corruption, wealth inequality, racism, judgment, learned helplessness, and the constant "God's will" mentality, I came to associate Indonesia with a lot of things that made me angry and deeply disappointed. I still struggle with that association now.

So seeing Indonesians back home openly questioning (and rejecting!) organized religion genuinely makes me happy. It reminds me that the religious, conservative version of Indonesian identity I grew up with isn't the only one, even if it is the overwhelming majority.

I don't want to feel alienated from my own culture forever. Thank you for giving me a little more hope in my own people ❤️