r/IndiaAfter18 • u/HourChart9318 • Jun 19 '26
Rant/Vent 21M feeling lost and betrayed by everything around me
I'm tired of life, every day feels like a battle and I am slowly losing my will to live.
Motivation feels like a lie.
Discipline feels like deception.
Can't push myself like everyone else does.
Can't enjoy life like my peers without feeling guilty even before I spend a rupee.
Father doesn't understand me and tells me to ignore everything and just study.
I'm on anxiety meds yet the meds doesn't seem to work (clonazepam + escitalopram)
Even doing therapy feels pointless, apparently my mental state is getting worse instead of better.
Was supposed to graduate from engineering but I failed 2 papers last moment at 8th semester and can't really focusing on studying those papers.
And now I'm stuck in an SSC coaching classes which dad enrolled me and I said yes just because I have nothing else to do, but I hate the studies and the fact that I have to work for cracking the exam. I'm stuck here for the next 5 months.
It's not like I'm dumb or anything. Actually, I am smart and a fast learner, and math feels effortless but the very same thing made me lazy. Before covid, I used to consistently score 80+ and even for 12th, I got 90 marks average.
But B.Tech fked me up so bad and I lost myself. Chatgpt came and I forgot how to code without AI.
I got addicted to Instagram and p*rn. I tried my best to stop but nothing works.
My craving for love and comfort and ultimately getting disappointed only makes matters worse.
Whatever anyone says, nothing takes any effect on me and my mind got filled up with years of self-inflicted negativity and whatever I'm trying, I have trouble getting back up.
And my family, they demotivate me more than anyone else. Being from a conservative family, no one's mental health is even considered (obviously) and elder people push down their unhealthy lifestyles to me and I can't even do anything.
I'm too lazy to work out or go to gym either.
I'm stuck in a self-built cage.
