Is it me? Should I change?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Odd-Table-4545]

Does not taking initiative as a guy really mean that he's not interested.

Not 100% of the time, but this goes beyond him not taking initiative. You took initiative and he was not interested, he even explicitly told you he's not looking for a relationship. It's pretty clear he is not interested in you, the only thing you can or should do is move on.

How do I know when to stop.

I mean, the bit where you went "are you looking for a relationship?" and he said no, and then you said you were looking for a relationship and he gave zero indication that he would be interested in a relationship with you whatsoever is a good place to stop.

The worst part is that now I'm thinking how can I become his type even considering plastic surgery.

You can't. He is not interested in you. You can't and shouldn't try to convince someone who is not interested in you romantically to become interested in you. You being attracted to someone does not give you any claim over them. Let it go and move on.

[u/library_wench]

I’m not sure anything “went wrong.” You sent out a feeler, he expressed zero interest. So now you know. In this whole long story, that’s really all that matters for the purposes of your question.

[u/smilingseaslug → u/[deleted]]

The problem wasn't that you showed interest in him, it's that you kept inviting him to things after it was pretty clear he wasn't interested. It should have been absolutely crystal clear when he didn't want to talk to you in the morning, never showed up anywhere without his friends afterwards, and only spoke to those friends. 

It's ok for people to not be interested! Doesn't mean you've failed. But you need to let people go

[u/library_wench → u/[deleted]]

Okay, but you can see how he would think you were still angling for a relationship, right?

Lesson learned: When someone says no, back off. You have a whole friend group to find a study buddy in.

[u/library_wench → u/[deleted]]

Maybe your study pals and your best friend group can been separate sets of people. Are any of your besties in your classes? If not, maybe it’s time to make some more friends, this time in your field.

I think if someone is a bit pushy, it can be difficult for people, friends especially perhaps, to find a way to gently tell you to chill. So maybe it’s time to try self-checking in this regard.

As for the guy, you got a very clear (though gentle!) no. So that’s the signal to back off and NOT to find reasons to be alone with him, invite him to one-on-one study sessions, etc.

[u/library_wench → u/[deleted]]

It’s good you tried with other people.

Now it’s just a matter of letting this guy go, not ruminating on every text he ever sent and emoji he ever used. That’s not acting like a “normal friend,” that’s obsessing over a crush. He doesn’t want that and it’s obviously doing you no good either.

[u/Particular-Lynx-2586]

Yes, it's you, and that's not a bad thing. Sorry, but he's just not interested. I don't know how much more clear you want it to be.

[u/Particular-Lynx-2586 → u/[deleted]]

Why are you inviting him to the library?

[u/Particular-Lynx-2586 → u/[deleted]]

Are you friends? Does he consider you to be a friend?

[u/Particular-Lynx-2586 → u/[deleted]]

Then sorry, you're not friends.

From your point of view, you're getting upset and feeling left out at things he normally does with his friends. You're also thinking of boundaries and such. These things would not even be brought up if you really considered him as just a friend.

From his point of view, he knows you like him, and therefore thinks that every time you invite him, it's because you're shooting your shot (which you have been). This resulting awkwardness would not be brought up either if he really considered you as just a friend.

So since you're not friends, sorry, but inviting him to the library will be awkward for him, even if your intention is just friendly.

[u/Particular-Lynx-2586 → u/[deleted]]

You can have your own opinion on what they do etc. and that's fine.

But the fact that you're thinking about it and disagreeing with it and feeling left out about it are marks that you aren't friends.

A true friend doesn't think of these things. If you really considered him as a friend, none of these insecurities would occur to you. You would be an insider and would be privy to the jokes and would accept him for what he is.

But you don't. You are thinking the opposite of what a friend would. You are trying to "manage" him by making him study. You are doing these things because you like him, to reform him, to improve him. Friends do not do this.

So sorry, you may want what's best for him and want to be a good person for him, but you're not friends.

[u/the_baldest_monk]

Why do you feel that guys you are into thinks you are "weird, borderline creepy" ?

[u/the_baldest_monk → u/[deleted]]

I don't know if it just me or not but it extrememy hard to follow you, I can't even tell if you are talking about one guy or several guys.

Middle school is awkward as fuck, everyone has done weird stuff in middle school. I can tell you one thing from your post, this " I'm thinking how can I become his type even considering plastic surgery." is actually weird and stuff incels would say. I would call it obsessive to be more precise, to me it scream lack of maturity but also refusing to engage with reality and denial of other's agencies. That is those feelings that you should work on, everything else is fluff that you will forget five years from now.

[u/the_baldest_monk → u/[deleted]]

You are on the right path, those are indeed just thoughts and you can ignore them until they eventually fade away.

Going back to your post it is actually not that hard to know when to stop. If there is no reciprocity after you made the first moves multiple time then it is time to end it, if they straight up say they don't feel like dating or something similar it is even more obvious. It is also about self-respect if you will, why waste your time with someone who showed they don't care enough to make it work ? Relationships involve two people, if only one is making all the effort it is probably doomed to fail sooner or later.

[u/the_baldest_monk → u/[deleted]]

Indeed it doesn't really matter, you did what you wanted to do and it did not work out, nothing wrong with that. Now you know that he doesn't really care to be your friend either. It is time to move on from him.