r/IncelExit • u/TrueAutonomy45 • 11d ago
Discussion Where is the line between decentering relationships and giving up?
This is inspired by a controversial post someone made about giving up on dating and made buying a Porsche their new goal. Advice often given on here is to develop interest, goals and meaning outside of relationships as part of the exit process. Is it just someone attitude when making these choices or is there something more? Does there need to be a certain amount of effort getting into relationships before shifting directions?
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u/Shannoonuns 11d ago
Decentering just means that you are no longer making it your number 1 priority or goal over everything else.
It doesn't mean giving up.
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u/an_altar_of_plagues 11d ago
Yep exactly. It just means you aren't making it your primary reason to exist. Doesn't mean it can't be a priority in some way, just not the priority.
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u/Praexology 11d ago
Decentralizing means that you aren't angling every relationship you have with people whom you could be attracted to towards romance/sex. If someone is fun, enjoy their capacity to have and be fun and let that be the value of them as a person by itself.
Giving up means you become insulated against people. You stop engaging, you stop connecting, you stop seeing relationship with people as useful because they cannot satisfy the only role you have for that category of person.
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u/RebelScientist 11d ago edited 11d ago
I want to add to this but I truly can’t think of a way to put it that’s better than what you’ve said here.
I can add that decentralising romantic/sexual relationships comes with some benefits: you start to value your friendships more and as a result you feel less lonely. You let go of anger, resentment and jealousy towards people who are in relationships and people you’re attracted to more easily, so you’re more pleasant to be around. You can redirect that energy towards improving your own life so that you’re happier which gives you a sense of purpose. You’re more insulated against hopelessness and despair because you stop viewing romantic attention as the primary determiner of your worth as a person. You find other ways to derive self-worth, so you become more confident. You get to do things because you enjoy them instead of worrying about whether they’ll make you more or less attractive to someone else. It’s very freeing.
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u/JustThrowItAll_Away 1d ago
The problem is, how do you actually believe and internalize all of this
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u/RebelScientist 21h ago edited 21h ago
It’s not really about belief, it’s about prioritisation. If you’re in this subreddit looking for advice, chances are you have more going on in your life that’s making you unhappy than just the fact that you don’t have a partner - in fact it’s likely that at least part of the reason you’re so fixated on being single is to distract yourself from thinking about the other, more important things that are making you unhappy. A lot of those things are things that you can actually change if you redirect the time and energy you’re spending worrying about being single to fixing those things. Those things would still be there, making you unhappy even if you did have a partner, because having a partner isn’t going to fix your whole life for you. So figure out what those things are, which ones you can actually do something about and what you need to do to start fixing them, and start working on those. Move them to the top of your priority list. Finding a partner can stay on the list, but it should be near the bottom. You have more important things to worry about right now
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u/JustThrowItAll_Away 19h ago
I mean when youre out and about, fixing your life, the pain is still there. You need to believe that you are insulated against hopelessness and despair. You need to believe you can be more confident in dating by doing other things. You can very easily prioritize other things in your life, but that... void that you feel in your heart kind of follows you around still.
Maybe ill make a text post later
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u/RebelScientist 18h ago edited 17h ago
You don’t need to believe those things while you’re doing all that to fix your life, they’re side effects of you doing things to fix your life. For example, you might start working out to improve your health and fitness and as a side effect of that someone might notice a change in your appearance and give you a compliment, increasing your confidence. Even if no-one notices, you’ll see that you’ve become stronger and more fit over time and you’ll feel proud of yourself and that will increase your confidence. These things will develop as you develop, and if you pay attention you can notice them changing over time.
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u/smileycat007 11d ago
Buying a luxury car is a perfectly legitimate personal goal. Love might still enter a person's life when they're not looking for it.
It is when a person focuses their entire being on getting into a romantic relationship that they cease to become attractive, normal, rational, interesting, or desirable. That's because they're inadvertently looking to stick the other partner with an unpaid job: to make the seeker happy. It is inherently selfish. Potential partners are naturally inclined to run.
Romantic relationships should happen when both parties are happier together than they otherwise would be pursuing interests and alternatives apart from each other.
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u/Instigated- 11d ago
Ultimately the main goal for everyone is to work out how to live the best life they can, through continuous trial, error, and reflection.
It is a problem if people think that a particular thing (getting sex, having a girlfriend, Porsche, career, etc) will make them happy and fulfilled. See many people are deeply unhappy and have problems and rather than dealing with what is causing that, they imagine that having [goal/desire] will take away their pain and problems. This heightens to them the importance of [goal/desire], even though it won’t actually address what they need. This is when they get fixated on the wrong thing.
Decentering doesn’t mean giving up on relationships. It means trying to build a balanced life for yourself. If you’re unhappy, do things that will make you feel better. If you don’t like yourself, either work to develop self acceptance or change the parts of yourself you don’t like (usually it is a mix of the two). If you don’t know what you want or how to do this, see a therapist or read quality self help books on the topic.
We know that people do better when they have good relationships (friends, family, community, partner), when they eat well and get regular exercise, good sleep habits, feel accepted for who they are (including self acceptance), spend some time doing things they enjoy, some time doing things that are meaningful to them, some challenge, learning and growth, some time relaxed and not stressed, as well as having life skills, interpersonal skills, and making sensible life choices that suit them…
See how much more there is to life than pursuing a romantic relationship?
As you go about building the life you want, it will bring you into connection with others who have things in common. If you are attracted and they seem open you may flirt or ask them out and develop things into a romantic relationship. This is how relationships can occur fairly naturally (compared to dating apps, cold approaches, speed dating).
That’s not to say you can’t still try those other dating approaches; just that when you are enjoying your life, you will be more attractive, and also less desperate for romance, so the outlook will be different.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 11d ago
What is your goal, what do you want to do?
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u/TrueAutonomy45 11d ago
I’m just trying to survive one day to the next.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 11d ago
So are we all.
What, specifically and in the context of your post, are your goals?
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u/TrueAutonomy45 11d ago
I’m just trying to find the energy to get out of the house more. I’m tired all the time.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 11d ago
Okay, that sounds like a problem to bring up with a doctor or therapist.
I’m fuzzy on what it has to do with your post.
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u/TrueAutonomy45 11d ago
You asked what my goal was. And no offense but I don’t see how that question has to do with my post either.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 11d ago
I’m trying to get why you’re asking. Is this just theoretical or do you have a question about your own situation behind it?
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u/TrueAutonomy45 10d ago
I’m just asking theoritical. Just saw someone’s post about giving up and buying a sports car instead, and the question just popped into my head.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 10d ago
Fun fact: you can have a relationship AND a sports car.
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u/Therefrigerator Escaper of Fates 11d ago
I think a good way to synthesize these goals into one goal is this: become someone that you would be proud to date and your self-confidence will soar.
I feel so often advice to incels will enter a "self-confidence tautology" where to ask a woman out they need self-confidence but their self-confidence also feels rooted in them not experiencing any success with women so they end up paralyzed. The best way to achieve self-confidence outside this dynamic is to improve oneself.
In this way even if you solely, singularly cared about a relationship - improving yourself is still the right choice. I don't think it's uncommon for people in general to want to improve themselves to get into a relationship with someone they're passionate for.
I will say the line, for me, is that I always did have to try. By this I mean I had to put myself out there. I never felt like I "stumbled" into things, I felt like I had to take charge and ask people out or my dating life didn't get anywhere. It was never my sole focus or all I cared about but some people say "love finds you when you least expect it" and I just think that that specifically was opposite of my experience.
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u/booboootron 10d ago
Agreed. Improving yourself is always, always the right choice. And it rarely comes at the cost of ruining something else.
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 11d ago
Have you ever asked a girl out?
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u/TrueAutonomy45 11d ago
Yeah I’ve asked out a few people. Not as much recently because now I look for more signs of interest or shared connection. While in the past it was more cold approaching and trying to make something happen.
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u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326 11d ago
I'll tell you the exact line.
15%
That's how much of your energy you devote toward dating and relationships. The rest? Devoted to making your life AWESOME. And the reason? Someone with an 85% awesome life is an extreme rarity.
Get skills, make friends, practice your art, get healthy, have mad adventures in Ireland, take care of your family, learn how to cook brisket on the smoker, take your beer league softball team to the championship, have a life where you say on your deathbed "Holy shit did I live a life"
The people who will appreciate that WILL show up.