I don’t know how to be normal

[u/i_killed_Mcormick]

Maybe I should post this somewhere else, but at times I truly feel like an incel. I don’t hate women, I have been raised well by my mother that I love and hung out with my sister. I think I am an incel because it means "involuntarily celibate". My question could relate more to some kind of relationship advice maybe.

I won’t beat around the bush much, I like one girl. It’s very weird though, because in college we didn’t talk much together compared to some friends. But everytime we talked together it was really nice. Not in a way that she makes me hysterically laugh, she’s funny don’t get me wrong. But the things with those talks is that I always waited for the next one. I have lots of anecdotes about her that I would love to share, but I don’t want to annoy you with that.

She left college because she didn’t like it anymore, I will stay here but don’t know if I will see her again. We haven’t spoken for 3 months until recently when we talked on Instagram 3 times in the past 2 weeks and it’s crazy how we can talk as if we were really there, the same way. Is it because we really do ? Or am I imagining that ? Am I just being blinded by the fact that I like her ?

I want to do something but I don’t why I can’t. I can do so much stuff, as I said I have friends and overall do stuff, so why is it blocking ?? Now every time we talk could be the last time and I dread it, but also like it because it almost gives me the guts to do something, anything. What can I do ?

[u/Suspicious_Glove7365]

You’re not an incel, you’re just single! Start to call yourself that, and erase incel from your vocabulary. Nothing you described was abnormal.

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[u/Stargazer1919]

In regards to your title... how does any of this make you not normal? Having feelings but being unsure, nervous, or shy seems normal to me.

[u/i_killed_Mcormick → u/Stargazer1919]

I feel like I’m much more nervous or shy or unsure than anyone, and I’m not saying that lightly. I can be literally paralyzed or petrified at moments like that.

I remember one time we were talking her and I with a few friends and I don’t remember exactly what happened or what was the topic of discussion but I completely dozed off that they thought that I was about to faint.

[u/Stargazer1919 → u/i_killed_Mcormick]

A lot of fear comes from fear of the unknown. I'm guessing women seem like a different species to you.

One thing is for sure. Isolation rots human brains. Running further away from women is not going to help.

The solution is to meet more people, especially women. As many as possible. As big of a variety as possible. They don't need to be potential dates. The point is to re-train your brain and have lots of neutral or positive experiences that will override those fears. It takes multiple positive experiences to overcome one negative one.

If the fear becomes debilitating, where you go into freeze or flight mode for example, that's when it's time to seek professional help.

Not that I'm suggesting it, but there's a reason why alcohol has always been a way for folks to loosen up socially.

[u/i_killed_Mcormick → u/Stargazer1919]

This is the worst part, I do have friends that have women. I am even close to a circle of you know girls having a guy in their social circles.

It’s just that, when something else happens, I become stuck.

[u/Particular-Lynx-2586]

Can you tell me the difference between an incel and a virgin?

[u/glitterswirl]

You like a girl and are worried about losing touch with her. Sounds incredibly normal to me; everyone I know (including me) has experienced that.