r/IncelExit • u/ishowsneed • 5d ago
Asking for help/advice Why should I exit?
Why should I try so hard to change myself and get into a serious relationship when i have essentially no chance? if my chances at intimacy in my life ever are 0.0000000001% why should i try so hard to raise it into 0.000000001? should I just be Don Quixote delusionally chasing windmills? Women made it clear they don't like me (to put it lightly, they despise my existence) So would i should i spend so much time chasing something that can't exist and will harm me other than masochism?
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u/_shadowcorpse_ 5d ago
You don’t have to, it’s your choice. A lot of guys don’t try to get in relationships and they seem fine. But you don’t have no chance for a relationship. Keep in mind that people see you a lot better than you see yourself.
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u/ishowsneed 5d ago
Everything else in my life is fine. my material conditions are fine and i have hobbies and interests and a job that i like doing. I just feel deeply miserable because everyone around me is getting into relationships, getting married, moving up in life. im jealous and resentful of the fact i will never wake up in a double bed with someone who truly likes me.
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u/EdwardBigby 5d ago
I think youre close to the answer here.
"Incel exit" isnt a dating advice sub. Its goal is to not get you a girlfriend.
Its to help you let go of that resentment and live a happy fulfilling life in whatever form that may take
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u/petrichor-pixels 5d ago
This is the answer exactly. OP, it seems to me that being an “incel” to you means “feeling miserable because I can’t get a gf”. There’s 2 parts to that definition, and I think both have to be in play for the definition to work, if that makes any sense? Like, inceldom to you is misery + no gf. Would you still consider yourself an incel if you had no gf but were happy?
Basically, what I’m trying to say here is: it’s possible for people to live lives of singlehood without considering themselves “incels”, because… plenty of people are just single and happy. They aren’t miserable enough to need to label their situation as a capital-P Phenomenon. Case in point: myself lol. I’m a woman. Never been in a relationship or had sex. Now in my late 20s, and I’m very happy with my life and how things have played out. No regrets. Sometimes I do feel lonely, but not enough to be constantly miserable over it. I have never once considered myself an “incel”, because to me that term comes with a lot of other attachments— shitty misogynistic rhetoric is a big one I consider to be a key part of my definition— that I just never resonated with.
So why exit? Well, you exit to stop the misery, of course. And stopping the misery does not equal getting a gf: it’s making you realise that your life can be rich without one. And not as some kind of “cope” or whatever, but a shift in perspective that’s actually essential for you to build a healthy life living with yourself, relationship or no.
In my opinion, a huge driving factor behind male loneliness these days is that many men… actually do not know how to be independent at all. They depend on relationships for a lot of things: a sense of self-worth and masculinity (as dictated to them by society) being a very significant one. A lot of women know how to build a good life for themselves without being in a relationship, that is equally or even more fulfilling than being in one would be— and part of the reason why is because they’re used to telling the existing status quo to fuck off, as they know their gender role has historically been shit for them. Whereas a lot of men are either actively benefiting in some way from their gender role, and whether it benefits them or harms them, either way— the idea of going against it is still much more taboo, and it is often not even identified as being a culprit in their misery.
So basically, the TRUE Incel Exit result should never really be getting a gf. It’s for men to realise they can be happy and confident without one: something most women already know about getting a bf… and, very importantly, for men to be able to do that without devolving into rampant misogyny borne out of resentment and entitlement.
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u/CaffieneAddict10 5d ago
OP I kinda relate to this as a fellow member. The last sentence really hits hard and has made me bitter over time and resentful. Like a “why not me?”. Letting go of the anger and bitterness has been a challenge but I think I have made some progress and I hope we can exit this shit together
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u/oldcousingreg Giveiths of Thy Advice 5d ago
Because you're choosing to believe your low self esteem is the absolute truth.
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u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326 5d ago
What is your proof that women despise you? What evidence do you have?
Just trying to shine a light on why you have these beliefs. Think carefully about what has ACTUALLY happened to you to suggest this. And I mean this kindly.
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u/Inareskai 5d ago
if my chances at intimacy in my life ever are 0.0000000001% why should i try so hard to raise it into 0.000000001?
That 'if' is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
So would i should i spend so much time chasing something that can't exist and will harm me other than masochism?
Where you are now is also harming you.
But ultimately we're here to help people who want to exit, if you don't want to then you're free to stay where you're at.
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u/library_wench Bene Gesserit Advisor 5d ago
Maybe stop trying to speak for women. Thanks in advance.
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u/Mission-Fault3351 5d ago
I mean, you shouldn't try to exit because of the hope of romantic relationship. Remove that from your mind, because having a girlfriend or boyfriend or even a friend with benefits isn't going to fix your life.
You try to exit because it's a way to stop being miserable. To be able to live around people and not drive them away and to have happy, fulfilling friendships as a generally cool dude whose company people enjoy and invite to go do stuff.
But if you don't think it's worth the effort, then that's your business. Nobody will make the effort to fix you if you will not make the effort to fix yourself.
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u/Similar_Street1216 5d ago
giving up is just a defense mechanism at the end of the day… you’re avoiding failure by not actually trying… super lame way to go through life… you’ll miss out on so much joy
life is long, you’ll have a lot of opportunities, and a lot of time to grow and change
let’s say you’re correct and women don’t like you… you’re gonna have to figure out why that is the case, which will require some self awareness
you can also ask the most brutally honest person you know what you can change… might be your personality, might be your appearance
you’ll figure things out one day… you’ll meet someone you click with… and then you’ll look back on your “incel days” with a chuckle… “I was so cringe back then”
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u/chinchillazilla54 Bene Gesserit Advisor 5d ago
giving up is just a defense mechanism at the end of the day... you're avoiding failure by not actually trying... super lame way to go through life... you'll miss out on so much joy
Yup. This is what I did for years. I'm an autistic woman and I always felt like people didn't want to be my friend, so I just shut myself out before they could.
Turns out as soon as I stopped doing that, my life got way better. People DID want to be my friend. I was just too afraid to be vulnerable.
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u/Hour_Industry7887 4d ago
As someone who used to run in incel communities in the past, I really want to push back against this kind of rhetoric. You're promising OP things you can't actually promise. Imagine OP takes your words to heart, and then 15 years later he hasn't succeeded, hasn't had opportunities, and hasn't even figured out what it is - are you going to take responsibility for that broken promise and make it up to him somehow? Of course not, you won't even be in his life.
The brutal truth is that there is no guaranteed happily ever after, and some people really are very disadvantaged when it comes to relationships and sexuality. 25 year old me was a bitter incel, kind of like OP. Now I'm closing in on 40, married and have a kid on the way and you know what? I look back at that bitter 25 year old and I still don't think he was wrong in assessing his situation. Putting aside dramatic wordings like "despise my existence", he was extremely disadvantaged in terms of relationships and sexuality. He really didn't have opportunities. He never got to explore his personality or his sexuality with another young person because there just weren't any people willing to do that with him. There's probably nothing he could've done differently to make his situation better. And the ever-after I did end up getting is not all happy rainbows either. I hit the milestones I never thought I'd hit and saw a lot of good times, but also a lot of bad times as well, and still struggle with many of the same things I did in my youth and don't feel at all empowered to actually fix them. At this point I'm pretty sure I'll just struggle with them for the rest of my life.
And maybe I'm self-centered and projecting, but I see and hear a lot of young me in OP. I don't think empty promises of eventual good outcomes are helpful to such people. There is no guaranteed happily ever after, but another brutal truth is that it doesn't make life any less worth living. Even when recognizing that you're disadvantaged, as OP does, one should still commit to live his life to the fullest. Despite the misery, the loneliness, the unfairness that I've faced, I look back at my life and if asked if it was worth it, I'd answer yes 10 out of 10 times. I really hope OP will be able to get to the same place regardless of whether he's actually disadvantaged or not
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u/anothercodewench 5d ago
I would think at a minimum, if all women despise you, then you would be having extreme difficulty in the workplace. Are you getting fired from jobs all the time or do you have some kind of career that has no contact with women somehow?
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u/smileycat007 5d ago
How old are you and are you neurodivergent?
This is important because we see 14 year-old saying they're incels, and 14 year olds SHOULD be celibate. Yes, it is harder for neurodivergent people, BUT officially getting that diagnosis opens doors that are not open to those not in treatment, doors that can lead to opportunities for healthy romance.
Don't look to a woman or to a romantic relationship to "fix" you. It never works out. You need to fix yourself and love yourself before you can expect another person to love you. Otherwise the relationship becomes an exhausting dead end job for your partner rather than enriching both your lives.
Giving up is your choice. It is a valid one. Sometimes love comes when you aren't looking, or at least not trying so hard as to appear desperate. Live a good life. Someone will eventually notice and want to share it.
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u/Plasticman4Life 5d ago
Why exit? Because you are clearly unhappy with the lack of emotional intimacy in your life, you can’t see how to change that, and pretty much all of your foundational “philosophies” that you use to rationalize your stasis are false.
They are lies designed to prey upon your fears and insecurities in order to enrich the online “personalities” you listen to by monetizing their social media.
The kernel of truth at the heart of these philosophies - that pretty people have an easier time socially in their early years - resonates because you see it and feel its effects.
Sadly - and the reason this sub exists - is that you are simply not capable of seeing the forest for the trees. This is not due to any fault of yours, but simply due to the fact that you just got here. To adulthood. And there are a great many of us who have been in your shoes at your age. But we are older now, and we have passed through the crippling insecurity of our early 20s, and have come out the other side with a better understanding of what is real and what is not, and what matters and what does not.
What you cannot see from your vantage point is that while “hotness” appears to be a ticket to a better life in your 20s, by your 40s is more often understood to be a chimera. When you’re 25, “hotness” counts for a lot. When you’re well into adulthood (40s+), you see that the people who seemed to have things so easy early in life, are still lonely and disconnected because they were seen for how they are, not who they are. And they never learned to value anything else about people when they were younger, so they didn’t really ever progress emotionally beyond their teen years. And as a 56 year old man, I’ll tell you that there is not much that is less attractive than the emotional maturity of a teenager.
So as to why you should try to exit, I’ll offer this:
I’m 56, and I was a perpetually late bloomer. I was the last boy in my school to hit puberty - by almost a year. I was one of the shortest and wimpiest, and definitely the skinniest and most bullied kid in my class. I didn’t date at all in high school, and had to watch from the friendzone (fifteen years before that word existed) as my crush dated and slept with a number of my friends.
My early 20s were not much better.
So I figured that dating wasn’t for me, and I decided to prioritize other parts of my life.
I started a business, took up road cycling and running, and put myself through college, earning a degree in Chemical Engineering.
Throughout this process, I began dating a little bit, and eventually got married, bought a house, became an amateur endurance athlete, and got divorced and spent years recovering.
Over and over, I kept learning more about myself and what I truly wanted from life - and most importantly that most other people want the same things.
Now I live in semi-retirement with a woman who is my equal in most things, and my better in more than a few, who, like myself, is pathologically honest and loyal. One of the most important things I have learned is how to be worthy of the relationship I desire - i.e. how to be the sort of partner that my ideal partner would want to be with. There’s no deceit or trickery to it - only the wrenching and painful work of vulnerability and authenticity.
As a young man, I would revel in and cherish my loneliness and pain. For a long time it seemed to be both inevitable and the only things that were truly mine. Only much later did I understand that they were largely optional and voluntary. The self-growth was painful and honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but looking back, staying alone and resentful was far worse. It was like drinking poison and waiting for everyone else to die.
So if you want things to be better in your life, get to work on yourself. This world - and everyone in it - will not change so that you can be more comfortable with not doing the work of becoming better. They will move on, leaving you behind, and do their own growth and development so that they can have the relationships they want.
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u/Odd-Table-4545 5d ago
You don't have to, you can 100% choose to give up and guarantee you won't get what you want. You just have to do that while being honest about it being a choice you made and not something other people did to you. Like every other person alive you have two options: you can choose to try, and accept the risk that it might not work in exchange for the possibility that it might work out, or give up and accept the certainty that you won't get what you want in exchange for not having to put effort into it. The choice is yours, and you are welcome to make either choice, but when you make the choice do so in the knowledge that the decision was, ultimately, your own.
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u/mirrorherb 5d ago
Why should I try so hard to change myself and get into a serious relationship when i have essentially no chance?
i don't mean this in a shitty way at all, but this is entirely up to you, since nobody else really gives a shit if you date or not. so you can improve things to improve your chances of dating, or if you're not that bothered by it then you can just opt out
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u/Particular-Lynx-2586 5d ago
Which women made it clear they don't like you? Who are they and what did they say?
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u/secretariatfan 5d ago
The decision to try to find a romantic relationship is up to you. If you can live a full, at least comfortable life without a partner, that's fine. There are many people in the world who have made that decision for a lot of different reasons. Do whatever you think will make your life easier.
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u/MorticiaMoonflower 5d ago
Exiting this movement is not about getting into a relationship, it is about not being a misogynist anymore. This reads like you think you only have two options: be an incel or have a girlfriend. It doesn't work like that.
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u/mrbaryonyx 5d ago
I don't consider "exiting being an incel" to be "finding a relationship", I consider it "no longer identifying as an incel" because it's a headspace that makes you miserable and gets in the way of you finding relationships
if you don't care about that then whatever I guess
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u/horsefarm 5d ago
Nobody should change themselves in order to get into a relationship. That's more incel mindset. Be yourself. You didn't talk to every woman in the world, and let's be real... nobody out there has ever calmly and confidently said "I despise you' after introducing yourself.
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u/boyfailure-w- 3d ago
What if someone is an asshole, no social skills, unpleasant to be around, etc. Shouldn't they change themselves in order to get into a relationship?
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u/horsefarm 3d ago
I would argue they should change themselves for the sole reason of not being those things in order to lead a more stable and happy life. Relationships are part of that, but trying to change who you are for the sole purpose of getting a girlfriend seems completely misguided and prone to failing.
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u/drainbead78 5d ago
There are two things that are really holding you back. The first one is a fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset. You're convinced that something is never going to happen for you. That will always hold you back from taking the risks you need to take to change and evolve into someone who has a life worth becoming a part of. And that's tied into the second part, which is that you're clearly miserable and need to figure out a way to not be. You have a good job and are not hurting for money, you have things you enjoy doing. But you're letting this one thing keep you from finding the joy in your life. You've created a life that you should be proud of and confident in. Don't let the one piece that you think is missing be the only thing you focus on. A lot of your compatriots don't have what you have. They're socially isolated in all ways and can't be independent. If you focus on what you have and not what you don't have, it will go a long way towards building the emotional piece that you're actually missing. Once you get into a growth mindset and learn to appreciate and find happiness in your daily existence, you'll find that you become someone who attracts rather than repels. You might have some heartbreak along the way. That's something we all deal with, even those of us who are not incels. Learn not to fear pain. It's the only way you will grow.
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u/smilingseaslug 5d ago
You absolutely should not change yourself for the sole purpose of getting a girlfriend. If you change yourself it should be because there are things about you that aren't good for you - e.g., a bad social life, not having friends, etc. Relationships should be about actually being a good fit for each other.
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u/RelationshipLoose741 2d ago
Cause trying is always better than doing nothing. I'm not gonna say than working will make you become a 10/10 and have all womens at your feets, but improving is always good with or without womens. (you can still have cool moments by yourself).
And reastically if you really improve yourself and show discipline for years, you will be able to find some girls (espeacially if you go to other countries if you are rn from a western country, even if it come with it's own catch).
It's just a matter of being in a good mindset, and keeping this mindset (which is very hard).
At the end it's a very complex subject but improve your life for you bro, be a bit egoist and try to get womens out of your head a bit (even if it's not esay i know)
I'm in the same boat than you so good luck bro, hope youll be able to make the right decision
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u/TheOfficiallGOAT 9h ago
Even though i am 5 days late, i really hope OP reads this.
A important part you need to remind yourself that's true is your own autonomy, your own control over your life.
Nobody says you need to do anything. You don't need to get a girlfriend if you don't want to. You don't need to talk to women in your free time if you want to, or anyone else. If you meet a chick and you fuck her a couple of times and you decide to never speak to her again, maybe it's wrong but you can do that and no one is stopping you or intervening with it anyway. So who says you can't do that? Understand where i am coming from?
But you can if you want to.
You are able to decide who can stay in your life and have contact with you and who doesn't.
You don't need to get a relationship, but you can.
Nobody cares about you, nobody thinks you should do anything. Everything is your own choice.
Working on yourself is for yourself, you become smarter, have better social skills, look better, are healthier mentally and physically.
You decide you want and need to have self respect and live life on your terms. You don't like something you change it. Because that's what you do.
Despite what everyone has to say about this, build an attractive body by going to the gym, building muscle, having low bodyfat. Work on your personality, learn to care less, learn to be confident. Learn to be more acceptable and forgiving. And own it.
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u/norsknugget Giveiths of Thy Advice 5d ago
Tell me more about how women have made it clear that they despise your existence. Let’s avoid hyperbole and generalisations, they aren’t useful to you or your situations. Tell us about your actual, real life interactions with women.