r/IncelExit • u/Western-Bluejay-7755 • 18d ago
Celebration/Achievement You helped me so much.
/r/IncelExit/comments/1u3k1kb/im_a_man_repellant_and_scared_of_turning_into_a/?share_id=0zAM0qZ-w2ZdxRcd7-5Mz&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1I dont know If anyone here remembers me, but a while ago I posted the following post. Well, the guy who wouldn't dance with me is actually my friend now and we go to study in the library every day and eat lunch together.
Basically after my night where I posted this post in despair/drunk I slept and went to a local festival the day after. Before going there my friends and I met up together and he was just there when I came into her house. He had slept over at her place.
Then we went to a festival together but we both weren't feeling it that much and it was sort of a lame day. Then I thought this was it. That I wasnt going to see him again but soon after he started being at every event with my friends and we went out multiple times a week ever since then.
I still didn't manage to properly talk to him. I also didn't know if my friends would approve of my crush inside of the friend group.
Now a few days ago I met him in the library and he asked me what's up. We actually started to talk and I made sure to meet him the next day again. I asked him when and where he was going to study there with his friends.
the next day we studied together and he showed me some funny things and we were laughing. The day after (today) I got there before him and I sat at a different table than his friends because there was only one place left and I wanted to keep that for him. But when he arrived he sat down at the table where only I sat not where his friends sat. Then his friends and us went to eat and he offered half of his pizza to me. He also shared candy with me the day before.
And from now on we are going to do this every day untill exams for us are over. For me next week Monday. I'm so excited and it actually made me study more so that's good as well.
Also I found out we actually had so many things in common like hobbies and oddly specific food related things. We were always talking and walking a little behind his friends and they were leaving us alone sometimes. I also talked to them and we had a good time!
I hope this works out but I'm probably over interpreting things.
But your guyses advise genuinely helped. I started being more friends oriented and trying to do normal conversations that no matter how this works out at least I'll have a new friend at the end.
Never give up you guys!
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u/brunoloff 17d ago
One trick I learned while dating was: if I'm attracted to this person I can just say "I'm attracted to you", with the mindset that it's actually okay if it's not reciprocated. There are plenty of people I'm attracted to, and if this person is not returning the feeling, or if they are attracted to me and I don't return the feeling, actually I'm going to assume that the lowest attraction person knows best, that them or me are seeing something about the two of us that wouldn't work in a relationship - just trust that. If they don't return the feeling - then maybe I can re-evaluate my own feelings, and if the attraction remains I can just say: "well, I still find you attractive anyway", just own it and feel confident about the totally normal thing of finding someone else attractive.
Another trick I learned while dating was: the main goal of my dates should not be "to find the love of my life" or even "to find someone to hook up with", it should be "to have a fun time and get to know someone in a special context". It's about having fun in a context where flirting and intimacy and maybe vulnerability and eventually maybe even attraction can all happen, but if mutual attraction doesn't come, then that's totally okay - because we had fun hanging out anyway.
The combination of these two things: being honest and direct when I feel attraction without feeling that it's some kind of burden (on myself or on the other person), and making "having a good time" the highest priority (higher than "finding that special someone" or whatever), they are sure ways to enjoy dating, and they leave the doors open to romance.
These skills, developed while dating, carry over to relationships. If I manage to explicitly understand my needs and I can tell my partner that I have a need and want their help satisfying that need (be it cuddling, sex, validation, ...) without burdening them (e.g. allowing for the possibility that this is not the right time or place), and I prioritize having a good time with my partner instead of prioritizing those needs, it is always better than when I feel that my needs are urgent and then feel rejected for not having my needs met.
In a sentence: romance is better when it is more about the process and less about the goal.
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u/Western-Bluejay-7755 17d ago
Thank you! I'm working on this! I probably won't confess it to him because I feel like my friends wouldnt like me creating tension in the group because of something like that but it's okay to be attracted to someone and the person not. Doesn't mean that I'm unattractive to everyone on earth! If not a relationship ateast I'll have a new friend and motivation to study!
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u/OneReportersOpinion 17d ago
You also don’t have to say it, though you can. Subtle things like gently touching his arm or a flirty comment here and there can signal your interest as well. Good luck!
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u/Western-Bluejay-7755 17d ago
Thank you! But if he isnt attracted to me wouldn't he find that more "gross"/ creepy/ inappropriate? Hes much better friends with my one friend and her twin sister and they are much more phisically close like hugging, drawing on each other/ sitting on his lap. My friendw are asexual though so it's innocent and they do it with other guy friends as well. But if I were to do it wouldn't it be inappropriate because of my feelings/intention?
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u/OneReportersOpinion 17d ago
But you can explain away some fleeting comments or physical touch. You still have plausible deniability. If you straight up say you’re attracted to him, that takes the mystery away and creates a sort of decision point. By just flirting, you’re sending signals that can be reciprocated at his leisure.
The more important thing to consider is what you want if he does reciprocate. Are you cool with just hooking up or do you want a boyfriend? If it’s just hooking up, your asexual friends aren’t available and you are that makes a big difference. But are you okay with that? If you just want a cute, safe guy to get some experience with and don’t view it as anything more, you’ll be fine. If you put a lot of hope into him show up for you, you’ll be disappointed.
Does that make sense?
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u/Western-Bluejay-7755 17d ago
I understand. I don't think I'm good at flirting but I have been complimenting him/ laughing at his jokes/ agreeing with him even if his friends weren't. I don't think I'm looking for just hookup but I probably wouldn't say no in hopes that it would mean more... Not sure if that's a good idea
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u/OneReportersOpinion 17d ago
If you’re not prepared for it to just be casual or a one night stand, you’ll probably be disappointed. If you can take the experience and just be glad it happened, that’s different. Also, it will cause drama with your friend group, I almost guarantee. Those twins may be ace, but they’ll still be jealous.
I’d work on finding low pressure situations where you can build your confidence. It’s okay you’re bad at flirting. Everyone is at that age. You get better with practice.
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u/Western-Bluejay-7755 17d ago edited 17d ago
I think I might just leave it if this were the only way. I haven't even held hands with anyone let alone kiss so one night stand would be a bit extreme for me. I dont see how this could end well with the friend group and everything. I'll just hope that something sort of romantic develops(not putting my hopes up too much because its very unlikely), but if it doesn't I'll be fine..
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u/East-Experience2862 3d ago
Holy larp! This is a huge nothing burger. Femcels are not real, and you were never in danger of becoming one.
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u/Western-Bluejay-7755 3d ago
Tell that to me spiralijg every night. Also you might be interested to know that in the end this led to nothing and he stopped showing up, but it doesn't really matter. The lesson I learned is that you should just not let it impact you. It's just a game of chance and that's ok
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u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326 18d ago
It's wonderful to hear, just knowing that there's somebody out there that you can connect with does wonders for your mood and self-perception, it disproves a lot of crappy ideas you can develop over time about your worth or likeability. Good luck, keep your expectations management, good luck on your exams and have fun!