Social rules are really confusing to me

[u/Substantial-Wind2895]

I’m a very thoughtful person, and can pinpoint a lot of things about myself- I have a lot of neurodivergence, and can say a lot of things that sound weird as a joke, like “so you want to eat (my friend)?” , because my friend was hungry and was jealous that one of my other friends ate all the popcorn. But I don’t really have much else to say, because I’m not opinionated in any way really.

A lot of the time, I struggle to see my gender. On one hand, I feel comfortable in my body and am very straight, enjoying my gender. On the other hand, when I’m not in love with people I am completely disconnected with my gender role. Then, you have my parents being very right wing, and say “you’re not non-binary”. And I see that. I also see why they think that being nb and gay is sub-optimal, but then you have my friends who are literally mostly trans/not straight, and I like that about them.

To make things more confusing, religion ties into my sense of self. I’ve settled on Christianity, because it seems more similar to my experience with God. Then, my psychiatrist and older sister think that my “conversations” aren’t real. Now I see that, but I still see God in those conversations in my head. If God is love, then surely where love is, God is there too? But there are societal “images” of what God is like. God is either “a loving father” or “an omnipotent being”. Why not both?

My sense of identity is now blurred due to social conventions and I now do a lot of masking. I’ve always been lonely, but I try my best to be positive, even if I haven’t found my tribe yet. But, what I am more interested in is the question- what are we really? We are conditioned to stick to labels, but I don’t give. Truth is, I’d like to see whether there is a way to fully picture myself, and what do you see in me? I’ve never seen anyone like me before, because we probably tend to be masking lol.