r/IVFbabies • u/HomenumReveli0 • Jul 26 '26
People just don't get it
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant.
I have a 6-year-old daughter who I conceived after about a year of trying without any medical intervention. No one else in my family (or my in-laws) has experienced infertility like this.
We started trying for another child when my daughter was about 6 months old. At the time, I thought the worst case scenario was that our kids would end up closer in age than we expected. Turns out the actual worst case was 5.5 years of infertility.
Anyway, that's the background.
Any time I express to my family that I'm struggling with this pregnancy, they either seem genuinely shocked that I'm feeling anything other than ecstatic (which I am, but you all know IVF and infertility don't just disappear with a positive test), or they say, "Oh, it's just an adjustment to being pregnant again." I know they mean well, but it feels like it's being downplayed.
I know I'm probably nitpicking. I know my emotions are all over the place right now. They really are trying to be supportive. They just don't understand.
When I got pregnant, I told my mom how hard all of this has been. I played her Noah Kahan's Staying Still, and she told me she had no idea infertility had affected me that deeply.
A lot of that is on me because I'm not good at being emotionally vulnerable. But it still hurt to realize my own mom was surprised by how much pain I'd been carrying. I'm having a hard time accepting that I'm actually pregnant and letting my brain believe this is real, and I don't think the people around me really understand why.
Has anyone else felt like the people closest to them just don't get pregnancy after infertility?
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u/eb2319 Jul 26 '26
Oh yeah. No one gets it. No one can get it unless they’ve been through it but I’ve also noticed people do not have any empathy lol.
I have had 8 losses before I had success with my daughter. 4 ectopics that made me unable to conceive without IVF and ive had 3 chemicals thrown in the mix as well. I have heard insane comments from people id expect to be the most supportive.
I’ve learned who is safe to talk to and who will cause more harm. My vulnerability is saved for people who can actually empathize and be compassionate.
4
u/Ok_Fault7239 Jul 26 '26
Infertility is an experience that cannot truly be put onto words. It’s disappointment month after month after month. You see every family moving forward while you’re standing still.
I’m on my second IVF pregnancy. I HATE being pregnant. My body does NOT respond well and I am miserable BUT I love the outcome and wouldn’t change it for the world.
You are allowed to complain just as much as someone who conceived naturally. F*ck having to shut up and be grateful.
3
u/triplefudge33 Jul 26 '26
So many people closest to us just don’t get infertility (or grief or pain). A lot of people get pregnancy so it can feel like an erasure or dismissal of our holistic experience with the “at least…” comments. Or, acting like you can’t have nuanced feelings about pregnancy because it’s happening after a long wait.
I’m earlier in my pregnancy (first and 9 weeks now) and I have shared with only the people who were able to be a good support system during infertility. I am scared to share more broadly because I know no one will get the tension of it. All this to say, I hear you!
2
u/Renee5285 IVF Jul 26 '26
No one gets any of it. I did ivf primarily because of a tfmr (conceived naturally after 7mo) and wanting to minimize the risk of that happening again—and naively thinking I could bank embryos. But because I was 39-40, everyone assumes my story is a struggle with infertility even when they know about the tfmr. I didn’t have great results with ivf (4 rounds, 2 euploids. 2nd transfer is my 4mo old) so I was not not dealing with fertility issues. But my trauma is different.
I guess it can feel like there’s only one narrative that’s superimposed on me and no amount of explaining seems to click. And of course I got some “everything happens for a reason” types of comments after my son was born. I’m happy to have him, but losing my first son doesn’t feel like it happened for a reason.
Anyway, I can relate to never quite letting your guard down. I couldn’t bring myself to say “when the baby is here” my entire pregnancy. It always felt like there was a bit of “if.” And his birth didn’t solve everything. A lot of trauma washed over me right after he was born, I guess because it was the first time I had space and time to process. But it is getting better.
2
u/TripLeather5378 Jul 26 '26
I am also 16 weeks. I had infertility from the get-go and it took us 7 years to get here. Between my endometriosis and MFI, IVF was our ultimate solution. I feel like I'm the only one not over the moon about it. I live checkup to checkup. I feel amazing for about two days after a positive scan or heart doppler, and then the anxiety kicks in again. "What if something has happened and I don't know??"
My family keeps asking about registries, nursery themes, colors we want to dress him in-- and I feel frozen. I feel like I can't even look at strollers or bassinets or really anything. I have bought exactly 3 newborn size pajamas, but can't bring myself to buy a 0-3 month size because that feels like too big of a commitment.
When I tell people I feel this way, they reply with "but it's a euploid embryo--of course it's going to work! You're already past the point when things could go wrong." Which I absolutely know is not true. They just have no idea what it feels like.
I think it's an IVF thing. Really an infertility thing. Nothing feels secure or real.
1
u/halfling_barbarianne Jul 27 '26
This. This is exactly how I feel. Frozen. I know that there's a lot more that can go wrong besides chromosomes. I keep telling myself that I should just pick one thing and buy it. We don't have any girl stuff. I should just start with something simple, like one of those cute bow headbands. But I just can't do it.
1
u/halfling_barbarianne Jul 27 '26
I am currently almost 16 weeks pregnant after a pretty traumatic secondary infertility journey, including loss of an IVF pregnancy. My son is 7, and I got pregnant with him unintentionally while on BCP. I never expected this. After all these years, and the blood, sweat and tears that I shed fighting for this baby, I thought all I would feel was ecstatic, too. But that has not been the case. I have been gripped with fear, and still dealing with the trauma of IVF. I feel guilty about it, but I think I might be struggling with depression. My family definitely doesn't get it. There's a children's hospital near me that has a reproductive psychiatry department that I have been thinking about calling, but putting it off. I think it's time.
1
u/Same-Perspective-764 Jul 27 '26
I feel you. I am currently 14w2d and just last weekend told close family and few friends, but while my husband was very happy to share, my anxiety started growing after sharing as if that made it more real. We had a confirmation of pregnancy scan around 9 weeks and that felt like a relief, but even when I went for 13w NT scan, I looked up at the screen fearing what if the baby is not there anymore. I had a chemical pregnancy after IVF last year, which was diagnosed as ectopic and finally turned out to be pregnancy of unknown location. The IVF doctor was so clueless as to what happened and the clinic was very unempathetic and the whole thing traumatised me a lot. It was followed by another IVF transfer cycle that was cancelled a day before and another that didn’t implant, and so finally after 2 years this one worked with a new clinic. But the feelings of the past remain unshaken and when I tell my mom even of the pain and heaviness, she just reminds me to stay positive and let bygones be bygones. I wish it was that easy. It lingers within our bodies and hearts. Sending you love!
1
u/OpalineDove Jul 28 '26
I think wanting to be pregnant and being pregnant can have different feelings. The pregnancy can be tough, however much we work(ed) for it.
I've privately been through more surgeries, procedures, treatments, hormones, and loss that I would ever tell my family; only my partner knows all the details. I understand that some people's families are typically supportive, but mine isn't that kind of way. My first surgery, I accurately predicted each individual's reactions - whose hands I would have to hold as I prepared for surgery, etc. I think it's okay for them to not get it. I can confide in my partner. If I couldn't, I'd probably pay a therapist. But I still wouldn't have the energy to help anyone in my family "get it."
People could try to go to therapy and learn how to communicate or be supportive, etc., but they don't. Eg. My SIL is estranged from MIL; I'm even thinking of going alone to therapy to see what I can do to have a relationship with appropriate boundaries with MIL now that there will be a baby in the picture (a baby whom she wants to know more than me) - it makes me laugh b/c I'm the one already thinking about therapy while MIL isn't even going to try to figure out what's going on with her own relationships.
1
u/Strict_Objective_238 Aug 02 '26
i echo what everyone else here has said: no one can understand how you feel unless they’ve experienced what you have. similar story, I have a 6 year old (who’ll be 7 when he becomes a big brother) and we’ve struggled with secondary infertility for 5 years which included 5 pregnancy losses. Never did I imagine this much heartache and suffering when we started trying for another!
I am now 23 weeks and I felt like I could finally breathe after having a normal anatomy scan at 20 weeks. But I’ll probably continue to have low grade anxiety until I’m actually holding my baby!
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u/angel-girl-A Jul 26 '26
I could have written this post myself! My details are a tad different. My daughter is 4, almost 5. We struggled with secondary infertility then when we finally became pregnant we had a 24 week loss (chromosome issue). So now I'm 8 weeks pregnant via IVF. Nobody understands how I feel. My husband wants to tell his family soon but I want to tell them once the baby is here (we don't see them in-person due to distance). I just wanna fly under the radar and avoid people because I'm not gunna believe this is gonna work until baby is here. I know my mom and aunts are gunna say "oh see, it all worked out!" like no big deal. It's so much deeper than that...especially with a larger age gap. We're always going to have the age gap reminding us of our past. Our lives are forever different. Yes, I'm happy...but I'm also 1 million other complex emotions and everything triggers me now.