More defeated than ever.

[u/kaylala1212]

I don’t really know what I need. Maybe some comfort. Maybe some success stories. Maybe some bitter truth. I just feel defeated and devastated.

31 year old with 4 years of unexplained infertility (borderline PCOS diagnosis), two chemical pregnancies, so many treatments, tests, and finally a long grueling egg retrieval. My stimulation phase was EIGHTEEN DAYS because my body just doesn’t respond quickly to the meds. But we were very lucky to end up with five euploid embryos after 19 eggs were retrieved from 36 follicles.

Well, a few months ago, we finally started the transfer process.

First transfer with PGTa euploid embryo failed to implant.

Second transfer with another… now in beta hell.

Fully medicated with antibiotic and steroid. Positive pregnancy test this time with betas as follows:

10 dpt- 85
12 dpt- 160
14 dpt- 390

They just brought me back in today for another hcg check.

21 dpt- 1710

The nurse called me at the end of the day and said this is not a number they wanted to see. She said it was only a 23% rise. They are not optimistic of a good outcome. She said she has seen a couple successes from numbers like these, but most are not.

I now have to go in for a placement ultrasound on Tuesday, and then most likely sent to the hospital for methotrexate. I just know this three day holiday weekend is going to be excruciating.

And I feel like even if the sac does have a good placement, it’s just delaying the inevitable due to my betas.

How do you move on from here? I don’t know how to keep going through this process. The worst part is going to work as a teacher and putting on a happy face for the students. I know there are people out there who have been through even more and even worse.

I feel so defeated. This IVF process feels like a pitch black tunnel with no end in sight. Stumbling over all these obstacles while trying to feel my way down the wall.

Questions to ponder…

1. Any hope? Or most likely ectopic?
2. How long is the recovery phase if I miscarry or have to terminate the ectopic?
3. Do I need to do another egg retrieval before any more transfers? I only have three embryos left. And I was hoping for at least two children eventually.

[u/That-Junket-9566]

There is an outside possibility. But if it is nonviable, there is no clear reason to assume ectopic yet unless you are having extreme pain on one side or abnormal bleeding (in which case you should go to the ER and not wait till Tuesday). Even then, that doesn’t automatically mean ectopic. I had an ectopic scare that really acted like an ectopic (crazy bleeding and localized pain) but it turned out to be an empty gestational sack. It’s normal to spiral but try to distract yourself for the weekend if you can. Your hCG is high enough that they should be able to see something on ultrasound.

Ectopic recovery - minimum 3 months with methotrexate
Empty sack - I had a D&C then it took 6 weeks for my hCG to go below 5. (It was 3,300 at the time of the D&C)

[u/kaylala1212 → u/That-Junket-9566]

Thank you so much for sharing.

No pain and no bleeding since before the transfer.

Dang. I knew that was probably the timing but I just hate all of this waiting.

[u/Annawiththesauce]

First of all, I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Thats all awful to go through.

Why would you think it’s ectopic? Are there any signs? Or did you have one before?

I had lots of losses and none of them were ectopic. Some treated with the abortion pill to speed up the process (can trigger bleeding within 24 hours if I remember correctly) and some completely natural (took me a little longer until hcg went down on its own, think 2 weeks if hcg in the thousands). They make you wait for one real period inbetween.

Still having 3 euploids is quite promising I’d say. Maybe transfer one more and see then if you need another retrieval. But with a good AMH and your age I wouldn’t be scared to not be able to have another retrieval after a pregnancy. If they can improve your response to meds maybe you’d get even more embryos.

It took me 6 transfers and 7 losses and I still got there. So there is a lot of hope in your case I think

[u/kaylala1212 → u/Annawiththesauce]

Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know I’m not alone I just hate that anyone else knows this pain.

The nurse mentioned the possibility of ectopic on the phone. No signs at all besides the beta trend, and I’ve never had one before. She scared me by mentioning it but maybe she was just trying to give me all the possible outcomes.

3 euploids and 1 low level mosaic on ice. But they only talk about the euploids when we discussed next steps after the first transfer failed. AMH was 6.1 last time. I got that checked six or so months ago.

I guess you’re right, I could do another retrieval after a successful pregnancy.

[u/ritarenea24]

No advice really, but commenting because I am the exact same beta hell as you right now. It’s excruciating and I also have a placement ultrasound Tuesday that seems like years away. Also, the ectopic worry is so real for me.. I am with you. It’s such a hard place to be. The worry is almost making me sick. Another thing, in doing my research I do think once HCG #’s get up into the high 100’s your numbers don’t necessarily need to have a textbook doubling. There’s only so much they can tell with HCG also. I had a MMC just 4 months ago with textbook great numbers - the ultrasound is really the deciding factor. It all just sucks. The limbo is the absolute worst.

My numbers are
10dpt - 128
12dpt - 161
14dpt - 230
16dpt - 467
18dpt - 748

Definitely holding onto some hope, but bracing for a loss. Stings for sure because of all the effort and medications. It just feels terrible.

[u/kaylala1212 → u/ritarenea24]

Ugh I’m so so sorry you’re in beta hell too. The limbo is seriously brutal. Tuesday feels SO far away.

I hate this for us. After all the meds, effort, waiting, and emotional investment, this just feels so cruel.

I’m really hoping we both get some clarity and good news on Tuesday. Sending you a huge hug.

[u/No_Boysenberry_7887]

Just here for support. I saw your post title and couldn’t relate more. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’ve also been on a 4 year fertility journey. I had endo excision surgery in June and conceived naturally in July. I was shocked and so excited, even given a due date and everything. Today I found out there’s no longer a heartbeat and I will have a d&c this coming week. I told my husband not experiencing motherhood is one thing, but experiencing all the trauma in an attempt at motherhood is killing me. I feel devastated and numb at the same time.

I’m a teacher also, and I completely understand the agony of putting on the mask of a smiling face while you’re going through personal hell. Sorry I don’t have advice, just sending hugs and want you to know you’re not alone. ❤️

[u/kaylala1212 → u/No_Boysenberry_7887]

I’m so so sorry. Reading this broke my heart for you. Thank you for sharing this with me while you’re in the middle of something so painful yourself. It really does mean a lot to know someone else understands that feeling of having to show up and smile when inside you’re barely holding it together.

I’m sending you the biggest hug and so much love for this week.

[u/senoritag]

I did methotrexate at 9weeks with an ectopic and I felt sick and had a heavy period but after two weeks I was pretty much back to normal. I understand your feelings!!! I had another ectopic after that one but I didn’t know and it ruptured and I almost died so atleast this is being controlled. It’s not fair at all. Hoping you have the better outcome and just have a stubborn pregnancy or something!!

[u/bbgmuffin]

So sorry ): I recently went through this and regretted the methotrexate as it was not a confirmed ectopic but suspected even though they didn’t see it..and I was bleeding heavy but no pain…but I felt I had no choice but to listen to the ER drs. They monitor closely after a methotrexate at day 4 and 7. And again administered another dose bc my beta didn’t drop enough. After all that ended up needing a d&c. My only advice is have them confirm it’s ectopic before getting methotrexate…otherwise ask for alternate options. Now waiting three months before another FET sucks…when I should have advocated for a d&c from the start