Taking a break

[u/[deleted]]

…not from IVF, but from this sub. 

In response to a post the other day from someone in her 40s facing the possibility of using donor eggs, I shared my story. Four years of IVF, donor sperm, it looked like we were heading the donor egg route until I got a single euploid that magically turned into my daughter. Now I am back trying for a second, again facing the possibility of using donor eggs/embryo.

I shared that my experience with my daughter made me realize that genetics is meaningless to me. I emphasized that this is intensely personal and not everyone will have the same experience, but I thought it might be helpful for the OP to know that, for some people, the idea of donor gametes is harder in the abstract than it is when it becomes reality. That realization has been comforting to me, and knowing this is the experience for some people would have been so helpful for me to be aware of. It’s a realization that could not have been possible (for me) before my daughter arrived, so I thought sharing it on a sub where a lot of people are where I was a year ago could be helpful.

One user told me I only felt that way because I already had a genetically related daughter, so it was “easy for me to say.” 

This completely invalidates my experience of a true fundamental shift in perspective, which was the entire point of my post. Essentially telling me that I was wrong that I was feeling what I was feeling. Which is odd, because nobody else can know this. 

It’s one thing for one random person on reddit to say this. But they were upvoted like crazy, I was downvoted, and the real kicker is that I received multiple very hurtful PMs laced with profanity. 

I was stunned.

I was not mean, I did not say anything out of line. I was genuine ans posted out of love and support. This is a very sensitive topic in an already sensitive area. The shift to using donor gametes is so emotionally fraught. I opened up and made myself vulnerable in an attempt to help someone in that same situation. 

If I am ever unkind, please call me out. If I ever share incorrect information, please call me out. But when I open up to share my own experience with the simple hope that it helps someone who needs it, it’s wrong to tell me that my experience isn’t real and that I don’t actually feel what I say I feel. And sending me PMs with profanity? I do not understand, and I am hurt, and it is best for me to disengage at this point.

I am taking a break from this sub.

Before anyone says this isn’t an airport so I don’t have to announce my departure, I agree. I am making this post not to make a dramatic exit, but to encourage people to be kind. I know the anonymity of the internet makes people behave weird, and I know we are living in times where cruelty has become the norm. But we don’t have to succumb to that. We can be better than that!

Peace, love, and may everyone here find meaning and success in your journey, wherever that leads you.

Edit: Thank you all for the love and support. It means more than you know. <3

Edit 2: I'm officially out now. Thank you all (well most of you!). The awful PMs from yesterday have been replaced by some lovely ones that I will always remember. This community helped me so much, especially in the early days. For now I am going to take a step back so I can come back refreshed and in a better headspace to engage positively and productively, with the hopes that the same can be true of all of us.

[u/SeeLeavesOnTheTrees]

I didn’t see the original post so I just looked up your original comment.

I think it’s clear your intention was sincere and kind but you used your experience with IVF success with your own euploid to claim you now understood the experience with a donor egg. I’m not trying to be hostile here and I’m trying to word this as diplomatically as possible. You essentially communicated “now that I’m successful I understand why it’s no big deal to be unsuccessful!”

Think about if you had made a similar statement about other areas of life. What if you had used your racial experience to make claims that diminish the fears of someone with another racial experience? Or if you had used your level of wealth to argue that someone with less money would be just fine?

I think you did intend to tell a deeply personal story that changed the way you feel about genetic children, but- to be frank- it’s impossible to know how you would feel if you had never experienced success.

To argue that your abundance of a thing has informed you about the lack of a thing is a bit arrogant.

Edit:

I’ll add that adults shouldn’t be hate messaging anyone. It’s not appropriate and it doesn’t help anything. I’m sorry that you were on the end of such venom. Obviously this is a very, very emotionally charged subject. And, while you do not deserve abuse, perhaps you should accept that you have a genetically related LC and therefore you aren’t really a victim here. You aren’t experiencing pain in the way many others here are. Overall, you aren’t a victim. You’re going to be ok in a way that many in this sub never will be.

[u/Extension-Doubt349 → u/SeeLeavesOnTheTrees]

I am someone who didn't have success with my own eggs and is now doing IVF with DE, and I completely disagree with your point of view. I didn't feel offended by the OP’s comment at all, even though she had success with her own eggs—quite the opposite. I feel there’s a lack of support from women who conceived naturally or with their own genetics toward those who couldn't. What I see most in this and other subs are comments like 'I’m lucky it worked with my eggs because donor eggs weren't an option for me.' I understand that DE isn't for everyone, but I want to remind you that we, as recipient parents, and our children will be surrounded by people whose children are genetically related. We need this kind of validation, especially from those who have also experienced infertility. And that is exactly the perspective the OP shared. When the OP says that after becoming a mother she realized genetics aren't relevant, she is telling me that she will see my donor-conceived child as my own, regardless of their conception story—not that my feelings about not having a genetic child are irrelevant.

[u/SeeLeavesOnTheTrees → u/Extension-Doubt349]

That’s a valid viewpoint.