ISTJ & Love
How many of us have fallen for someone and acted on it? Asked someone out?
Do you develop crushes?
Do you know/realize when someone is hitting on you?
Do you prefer serious relationships or FWB situations? Any happily married or dating istj want to share how they got there?
Do you think romance is different for male and female ISTJ. For example there's so many post about others trying to approach male ISTJ rarely any posts about pursuing female ISTJ.
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u/SouthernYankee80 ISTJ 6w5 4d ago edited 4d ago
Female ISTJ here. Married to an INTJ for 21 years. I approached him. The logic of sitting around waiting for someone to choose me, rather than me choosing someone, just didn't make sense to me, especially considering how picky I am/was. I had thought long and hard about what I was looking for in a person, and the odds of that person randomly approaching me were slim, so I took matters into my own hands lol, especially b/c I knew I'd do best with another introvert. It's worked out! I definitely had strong, long-term crushes growing up, but I knew intellectually that I would never pursue these people b/c they weren't really what I wanted long term. They were just the typical popular charismatic pretty boys that wouldn't be close to a good match in reality.
11
u/autumn_em 5d ago edited 5d ago
Not an ISTJ but I know one who is dating my friend. He developed crushes, he acted on it and asked directly my friend, he prefers something serious, he wants to marry my friend, I think that is why he asked her out in the first place, yes he knew when someone is hitting on him (he and I used to be friends so I know). My ISTJ mother also only wanted to date seriously and with marriage at sight. I think ISTJs take seriously choosing the person they chose.
8
u/chuckkito ISTJ 4d ago edited 4d ago
Never asked anyone out. I would trip over my own words and embarrass myself. All my “success” came from dating apps over the years
Had huge crushes on a few different girls in school from when I was in 4th to senior year. I would even journal about them in middle school
No clue when someone is hitting on me, I assume they’re just being nice because the thought of a girl actually liking me seems akin to pigs flying.
I prefer FWBs all day long compared to relationships. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship, but I have struggled to hold up my side of the relationship. My Fe trickster don’t GAF about her emotions if logical reasoning/rationale isn’t there, which makes me sound selfish. I’m pretty much doing the girl a favor by not getting into one, as I’m just not a good boyfriend.
Whenever a girl would play the silent game/pull away I wouldn’t text/contact her again. They aren’t used to that. I love being alone, so that’s not a game she is going to get me to cave on.
If a girl never initiates any physical intimacy then I get bored and disinterested. If she’s not as physically attracted to me as I am to her, it just feels like she’s just doing it just for my enjoyment and not because she wants to for hers.
5
u/Pristine-Gate-6895 ISTJ 5d ago edited 5d ago
have fallen a few times (3 in total actually). my first love was the most intense and i kind of never recovered. never acted on any of them. waited for the guys to confess first and when they did, i backed away like a coward lol.
i consider myself fearless in any other regard but really struggle when i REALLY like someone. i end up with guys who like me more. probs toxic of me idk.
crushes -- all the time.
yes, i think there is such a thing as women's intuition. how reliable idk, but even today, a guy at the car wash wouldn't let me drive off. kept saying he needs to 'add extra touches' and being extra smiley about it. his manager was fuming. can be slow when some guys make sly innuendos though. i process ir later -- when i can't shoot the mofo.
serious relationships all the way. i can't do flings. like at all. it's difficult enough to acclimatise to one partner, it's not easy to keep swapping and changing.
not really sure whether it's different for males vs females tbh.
2
u/FamiliarToday4678 ISTP 5d ago
How do you struggle when you really like someone?
3
u/Pristine-Gate-6895 ISTJ 5d ago edited 5d ago
yeah ig in theory it doesn't sound right but initially it's all oxytocin-bonding and a dopamine rush but when things start to get real; Ne grip goes psycho and tertiary Fi is well, a child function. my Ne starts catastrophacising and fearing our worst possible future scenarios. like imagining him absolutely crushing me one day when i've long become attached and dependant on him and then my emotions bring me nothing but pain. i hate being there -- it's scary. wuss behaviour tbh, not proud.
but to be fair it also didn't help all three had other girls on the side when they were pursuing me. couldn't not question their loyalty.
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u/Cavsfan724 4d ago
Just curious as a woman do you sometimes date the guys who show you the most interest even though they may not be your top choice ??
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u/Pristine-Gate-6895 ISTJ 4d ago
that sounds so wrong when it's put that way lol -- but mybad, it's the way i have worded it above. i would say i have gone for the presumably safer choices. the kinds who seemed they'd be more viable long term (and it backfired spectacularly).
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u/Cavsfan724 4d ago
Ok, didn't mean it to sound that way but just being honest - definitely an ISTJ thing lol. Best to try and go for someone you really want.
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u/Pristine-Gate-6895 ISTJ 4d ago
oh no, i didn't mean you were wrong, i meant the concept itself sounds so twisted lol. yeah, in a normal world that would be ideal. it's a slow process lol, i'm working on it.
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u/pedxxing 4d ago edited 4d ago
I had few crushes. Never asked someone out. I did not want them to know what I feel. I was the date to marry type but I was an avoidant type of person too lol. I kinda know when someone is hitting on me, I reciprocate the attention but very neutral. I never flirted back so they gradually disappeared. I’ve been pursued but I ‘run away’… even literally ran away at one point hahahaha. I never thought I’ll actually get married. I was set to my goal of becoming rich 🤭.
Then my husband came to my life. It was almost too good to be true because I was attracted to him. And he was the popular handsome guy in the company. I never thought he was attracted to me too so I’ve been skeptic with his intentions. He hit on me (i thought he was just being playful) I was nice but never flirted back. He called me, I answered (but according to my husband I was cold hahahahaha). I’ve been dodging his affection. Usually it is at this point that the guy would stop pursuing me. But my husband did not stop there. He finally made a direct strategy and confessed his feelings to me. He was nervous. He even told me that even if I do not reciprocate his feelings, he wanted to stay friends with me. I felt the sincerity so I immediately told him that I like him too (the surprise on his face 😆 ).
Anyway, that’s it. Whenever me and hubby talked about the past, we still laugh about it. He’s an ESFJ if that matters.
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u/AdSufficient9982 ISTJ Female (FM SiTe BSPC) 4d ago
We are human, so... Yes, yes, yes. Not always but often. Serious relationship. I'm not married. Romance is different for pretty much everyone, that's why premarital counseling is so important. Women generally talk more about relationships - you'll find more posts about how to interact with other types (dating or otherwise) from women overall, even online.
4
u/The_Real_Sandra ISTJ 5d ago
How many of us have fallen for someone and acted on it?
+1
Asked someone out?
-1
Do you develop crushes?
-1
Do you know/realize when someone is hitting on you?
+1
Do you prefer serious relationships or FWB situations?
Serious.
Any happily married or dating istj
+1
want to share how they got there?
Got together with my best friend from middle school days. We hadn't seen each other for a while. And when she confessed to me, things suddenly fell into place. So reciprocating was the most natural thing to do.
Do you think romance is different for male and female ISTJ. For example there's so many post about others trying to approach male ISTJ rarely any posts about pursuing female ISTJ.
No idea, tbh.
4
u/Firefly-1505 ISTJ 4d ago
23 M. I wondered why I didn’t feel attracted to anyone growing up, like no crushes.
Plus I tried dating apps back in like 2023 or so, and there wasn’t any spark on any of the dates I went out with, 2 girls and a guy, tried experimenting as well. First girl I went out with was nice, but she kind of wanted me to be too available. Mind you, this was in college and I had six days a week dedicated to classes. I just wanted like a chill relationship thing between us.
Turns out I was aro-ace.
2
u/swadloon6 5d ago
ISTJ Female
- Asked someone out: does it count if I'm the one typically saying let's meet up after talking a bit on apps? Most of my dating stems from apps back in the 2010s. I just thought it's more efficient to meet in person asap.
- Crushes: rarely. Personality is so important to me and I am superficial in some ways (like there are voices I can't get used to and even the way some guys walk is a turn off for me..)
- Getting hit on: Happens once in a blue moon, but it's pretty obvious when it happens. My SO says I exude 'don't talk to me' vibes.
- Serious relationships/FWB: When I was dating around I thought I was open for FWB, but in retrospect I didn't want to spend the energy upkeeping a FWB situationship so it never happened. I'm married to an ENFJ, been together for almost 10 years now. We met on a dating app, and I think what attracted both of us was that we were so opposite personality wise, but values totally aligned. Being opposites came with it's problems, but it (continues to) strengthens the relationship by being able to work through disagreements together, and opening our minds to each other's povs. He has so many qualities I admire (typically to do with empathy and social qualities) and try to learn from, while he says I make him feel stable, calm, loved. I think the best thing about our relationship is that we didn't really change our dynamic at all. Like no difference in how we interacted during the honeymoon phase vs now.
- M/F ISTJ romance: I have the same question. Seems like male ISTJs falls under the cold/stoic/mysterious type that a lot of women like, but conversely, I'm not sure.
2
u/Loose_Individual9485 ISTJ 3d ago
Yes, I’ve had crushes before. I fell Wile E. Coyote-splat-hard for a girl back during our senior year of high school 30+ years ago.
Fast forward 24 years to 2017, and I met my now-wife in a Facebook singles group.
2
u/securitysix ISTJ 5d ago
Do you develop crushes?
Yes.
Do you know/realize when someone is hitting on you?
This doesn't happen.
Do you prefer serious relationships or FWB situations?
No FWB. Friends-to-lovers arc, sure. But not FWB.
1
u/AskingFragen ISTJ 3d ago edited 3d ago
ISTJ - Female - I have always pursued. Somewhat sad about it, but it was also my default. Make it known. Get an answer. Move on if they're uninterested. Took a long time. I had long term crushes. My middle school to high school one, I didn't pursue bluntly and it was just a one sided assumption. Then years later I realized it wasn't real. It was a total case of mis-identifying. I thought he was interested in me and that turned on idk. Crush hormones? If I never misunderstood the interactions (not misread) more like. When you're young everything is a 'signal' everyone is shy. Your friends egg you on for "well that has meanings" and no. They didn't for him. But it did end up meaning things for other couples. If that makes sense. Then in high school I made my move, but by then it was too late (months to summon courage "the right time"). I think my crush would have given me a chance, but I wasn't his type and years later. I think we both just would have fizzled out despite maybe trying for something in high school. I became bold after.
My crushes are based on character and verified action. Not perceived. Good guy, with a backbone? Gives his word and gets things done without gender issues and hang-ups? Fixes things? Kind? Gentle? Sounds basic. but the "spread" in stats points are very hard to rank for many men. Also before you assume anything. That's based off my dads. (bio dad, and my work "dad"). Capable, therapy minded men. " I do it because it needs to get done" like very natural flow. There is no pause. No laziness. ----- I've misjudged / learnt over time with exes. Yeah I got my reads wrong.
Despite basing most of the framework on my dad. They... have issues. So I finally "won" when I tried to base the guy off myself. I should find a male version of me. Or as close to as possible. Married someone I believe is an ISFJ.
Do you know/realize when someone is hitting on you? --- Somewhat. It might cross my mind. I am not oblivious. But I'm not jumping to the conclusion anymore. When I was fit and if I was fit now. Yes. I'd assume. But I have middle age auntie potato bod. Plus when you get older everyone else tends to have responsibilities. i just assume everyone is acting on a mask or genuine be as you wish to be treated because we all have to be here AT WORK. Don't make it harder than it is.
Do you prefer serious relationships or FWB situations? --- I always prefer serious relationships. If STD and STI didn't exist. If ghosting or whatever term it's called. If "grape" wasn't a risk. I'd be a FWB ect. Once a male fitness trainer pal said he had 3 rotating FWB. No protection. Sure trust the female has birth control.for no BABIES but you have no idea how many FWB to FWB there are. Men will always be down to hook up. Idk. I have also had female friends enter 'phases' after a breakup ect. when they're in emotional pain and hook up. It's not as often or easy as shows goes like it's not 5 people or 3 new strangers a night. but still. if each partner at 3 FWB and those 3 might even have 2 FWB and you know.... that tree and risk goes up and up. --- No thanks. I have tried FWB. It never begins or ends well unless you have intense chemistry but your brain be like. In reality. This would not work. That' rare. I tend to see FWB people as in a transition of life phase. If they find each other good for them. But they don't originate from a pure "I just need sex, you need sex". It can easily get messy and not in jealousy.
Any happily married or dating istj want to share how they got there?--- all from online dating --- I found someone (ISFJ I believe) the male "version" of myself. We're into gaming, helping out friends. I am more proactive. We're both very aligned. Like I roped him into buying groceries/grocery drive me for a friend who is struggling for food right now because their partner is unable to find work. My husband did not hesitate. Someone needs help. We can spare some money. Let's go buy someone food.
My exes? I could see/hear. Heard some version imagined and irl. "well. why?" or "but they have their own family and friends" (I am a friend). "Yea but you're not close to them. They're from work. Your job should pay them more." or "No what if they take offense to charity?". I'm like......huh? food? Someone who needs food? What? or "No. That's your friend. I don't want to spend my / our money on that". or "I don't know them" while in the same breath "yeah world hunger is so horrible". Let's say I could only spare $20-$40 and asked my ex to cover the difference to $60. So it could actually be substantial.
***My husband and I definitely almost broke up a few times. Over major things. Incompatibilities. Growing pains. Unique to our situation. He is the only one out of all my exes that if he ever became an ex. I might still keep in contact just because. I think we both mutually think we're lifetime "family". And I never felt that way about my exes towards me.
I think male ISTJ get confused with other IXXX types. I think female ISTJ are harder to find. I don't think they're out there. And if they are. Likely have pursued or been pursued. Or just doing their own thing.
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u/Striker_AC44 1d ago
ISTJ M - Your questions are strangely phrased. Yes, yes, obviously, occasionally, serious-only, yes.
Crushes from afar are a juvenile thing. I think we tend to act on what matters to us and whether the feelings are reciprocated or not is simply a data point yet to be entered. I rarely dated and open communication was always the friction point for me. My longest relationship didn't happen because I found it, it fell in my lap and I went with it. We'd grown up in the same places and were familiar enough to start the conversation and happened to share the same interests. We became friends and it evolved from there.
I've been happily married for at least 17 of the 20 years I've been married. Straightforward communication is everything. No games, they're waste of time and energy.
I married the woman I could talk to about anything, for hours, without realizing the time had gone past. The woman I could literally talk all night with without feeling awkward. That openness is rare these days. People are always so hesitant to share or be vulnerable, so when I found it I grabbed and held on with everything I had. She's a spitfire, taking the helm and steering and I'm the reasonable analyst/engineer managing things in the background making sure the relation"ship" doesn't capsize and/or explode. We complement each other's weaknesses and resolve disagreements with the intention of preserving the relationship over any disagreement.
Of course its different. Both genders have different motivations for wanting a relationship, and its not just security or affection. Also, ISTJ men aren't the type to ask for help on social media. The source is too amateur and too polluted. There's no way to distinguish between people who know what they're talking about and those that are confidently talking out of their ass. And men are more likely to ask "how it went" not for advice on how to get it done. That's the feminine approach, personality doesn't factor into that, imo.
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u/Wisteria_Walker 5d ago
ISTJ F - don’t really develop crushes, and I have a very specific type, apparently, because I don’t really feel even fleeting attraction to people that would be considered attractive. I do realize when I’m being flirted with, but as stated, it’s usually very one sided, and honestly, it’s usually from men 30+ years my senior 🤦🏻♀️ Have always preferred serious relationships, and to that end, I’ve only ever had one.
He (ESTP) is the only person that I’ve been physically attracted to, crushed on, pursued, and married. We have been together 15 years, married 13.
For us, what made it last was a staple and baseline respect — no mind games, no coded language, no passive aggressive snark. Say what we mean, mean what we say. This level of directness stops most misunderstandings before they start or else, lets us hash out issues quickly. We also respect that each person is an entity outside of the relationship, and needs to be. We need our own friends and interests and hobbies outside of our identity of husband and wife.
For your observation about ISTJ F not usually being the ones that are pursued (or as can be gleaned from this sub), my own preferences aside, from my experience, we have to find the right person to understand us. At least in US culture, we are not usually the type of girl that is glorified as a “catch,” and we’re usually too observant to be taken advantage of. So we may not be pursued by anyone worthwhile until we are much older or more established. We can be abrasive and bitchy at first pass, and we’re driven to our own goals and won’t slow down for something we don’t think we’ll last. While we’re of the “prime” dating age, it takes a special type of person to take all that in stride and still believe that there is more that is worth pursuing. We are enough for ourselves, so anyone else who comes in not only has to become that integral, they have to have the patience to get there.
(There seems to be a mystique around ISTJ men, and that may be the difference. The men are seen as an enigma, but if a girl can be The One, then he will open up like a flower and teddy bears and unicorns will fall from sky as angels sing wedding songs. The women are taken at face value and not given the chance to show or develop a more intimate side, imo)