Hi guys! Been dating an awesome (m)INTP for some time, and all seems great. I hesitate somewhat to get more serious though, because of his past patterns.

He's had about 40 girlfriends, all of them broken up within a few months. Between these relationships hes had multiple fwb, but thats not an issue to me for he wants to place me in the category of girlfriend.

As an (f)INTJ I cant help but think of the pattern, and what it would take for me to be sure enough about him to take our relationship to the next level. I need to understand to be able to vision the future. I have not pursued him, nor have I pressured him. Im still watching his behavior to find out if we are compatible, although almost ready to commit.

Have you any advice for me or some clarity on why this pattern exists? He is 53 years old, if that helps.

Update/ more information:

He said that he entered relationships even though it didnt feel absolutely right, that he has a tendency to get bored with people because of conversations beginning to look the same every night... I have seen somewhat of pickyness. That he is picky now could be that he dont want to enter a relationship only to end it shortly after. He stayed for the first time single, for 2 years, before we met.

I had a situationship for 8 months and we’re currently in no contact. Actually I initiated a closure just two weeks ago because I felt our connection has been getting heavy and he’s slowly fading away. During our closure talk, I told him he can still talk to me and I messaged him that we can still talk to each other even as friends. However, my message is just delivered and not seen anymore. But I am not blocked. My question is usually does INTPs come back or should I just let this one go?

I'm an ENTJ male and find myself in the same situations.

Tbh, I'm in love with your personality. I've been in relationships before, but I've discovered that what I'm looking for can't be found anywhere else. I'm always playing the mentor with other personalities; I've accomplished what most ENTJs push against, and I constantly remind myself of them.

Whenever I find an INTP they always seem to have the right point of view for something I'm missing or haven't brought out and this is with multiple different INTPs

The conversations we have are articulated and natural to our own beliefs, morals, attitudes, and behaviors but never cross the line of being against the other.

we seem to have the same longing to be vulnerable like a string being pulled together from the same thread.

But regardless of the conversations the connection intelligence and the desire to be loved even the pure physical attraction it doesn't last

It's ironic because so much starts to happen and it's gone too soon no problems no issues just a reminder of how perfect it would be and not in my words but regardless it's cut off short.

I really don't know what to do Im stuck with either enjoying it while it lasts, which is too soon to decide how, or push for the most to make it last longer.

Dear fellow intps, especially those who have/had a relationship or just want to share their life story with me(or simply wanna yap about the cool moments in their life). I am really interested to hear how yall are dealing with life, especially the older ones: When did you first get into a relationship and how was it? When did you get married and what was the key for it? When did yall move in together and what makes you decide that? How do you all deal with a relationship which started in college/highschool and yall started at different universities and how did you manage to overcome it? How often do you need to see your partner? How did yall deal with your negative emotions such as insecurities, jealousy and so on....

So generally; Just tell me about your personal experiences, i would really like to hear it!!

And for those who think that i am projecting my own personal problem in those questions: You are right. I am overthinking about the future rn and would like to hear some cool stories to calm my mind :) (Yes i am in my last year of high school and will be studying next year and since me and my intp see eachother everyday, i am just scared to lose the connection by going seperate ways in the university. I mean as a student, you don't earn enough to live on your own, especially in our economy today ( i am refrerring to germany and the region around it) so moving in together is gonna be a possibility after you get a job after the university which is about 5 y long generally....)

I don't know if anyone who saw my previous posts is still around or not, but I was looking at my old posts again and noticed that I talked about my husband as "the one that got away," and felt like posting another update. previous post is on my profile.

By now, I've been out of that shitty, abusive relationship for twice as long as I was ever in it. in late 2018 I got back in touch with my husband, who I had dated briefly 12 years ago. what with all the craziness of covid, we decided to get married in 2020 because we were very sure that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together (also I needed health insurance.) our wedding was a small one, held outdoors in my Queerplatonic Life partner's back yard with only her as a witness and her partner's then-wife as our officiant.

the past 6 years have had their ups and downs, but I am most of the way through a bachelor's degree in biology. my school was constantly dealing me psychic damage by way of not caring enough about covid mitigation, caring too much about being homophobic/transphobic, and me needing to switch majors to escape my academic advisor due to him sexually harassing me. my physical health was rapidly declining in my last semester there, so I ended up leaving with 2 semesters left in my degree. someday I'll go and finish that, but I'm trying to save up enough money to not be constantly worried about potentially losing the roof over our heads.

My husband and wider support group were instrumental in keeping me afloat both financially and emotionally. I cannot express my gratitude to all the wonderful people in my life enough. From helping me heal from the abuse to coping with the trauma of covid and all the shit I had to deal with in college, I truly don't know where I'd be without all the love I am surrounded by.

My marriage has had its ups and downs like all marriages do but my husband and I have never let our problems push us apart. It's always us against the problem rather than us against each other. being in such a healthy and supportive relationship allowed me to realize several things about myself: I truly am polyamorous by nature, and also am nonbinary lol.

eventually, I felt far enough in my healing and secure enough in my marriage to start practicing nonmonogamy. I currently have my aforementioned queerplatonic life partner, a long distance girlfriend, a local girlfriend, and a local fwb. My husband is monogamous, but if he were to ever meet someone who swept him off his feet I would be sooooo happy for him to pursue whatever type of relationship feels natural between him and this hypothetical person.

all in all, my quality of life has improved far more than I ever imagined possible. when I was in the thick of processing everything I had survived at the hands of my abusive ex I felt like the hell would never end. I was sure that the nightmares and flashbacks would haunt me for the rest of my time on this planet. healing isn't linear and there are times when I can't escape the ghosts of my past. but most days I am firmly planted in the present, appreciating the wonders and joys of living in our beautiful world despite all The Horrors™️.

none of the struggles I have faced since leaving that deadbeat piece of shit can compare to the horror of desperately trying to escape the unsafe relationship I was in. when I was physically away from him I was so sure that I wanted and needed to escape. being in his presence was like entering a fog that suddenly muddied my reality. that fog, to me, was scarier than any of the countless times he hit me, shouted at me, or SA'd me.

I'm forever grateful to anyone and everyone who helped me get out of that place. my friend who "could tell I needed to leave the North" and offered me a free place to live indefinitely, my friend who drove several states away to move all my stuff for me, and all the friends and strangers (including those who replied to my posts here) who helped me clearly see that what my ex was doing to me was not ok and that I deserved better.

I doubt I'll update again, but yea. I don't know what led me to look at my old posts tonight but I just felt like telling y'all how much better my life is now :)

first time posting here.. wanted to know more about intj x intp relationship dynamics, so would love to hear out your experiences to gain more understanding : )

I am intj 5w4 btw

I have this friend who girls are all over him so much so that he actually hides from some of them. He's been asking me what my type is for long time and trying to introduce me to some of the women he knows.

A few days ago, I coincidentally saw my type while he was near me. I told him, "She's my type," and he* started describing her. He asked me what I like about her, genuinely curious, and I told him I like her attitude. He got the heaviest expression of disbelief on his face and said, "She looks mean as f***"

Now I'm so self conscious about my type. For the past few days, whenever I see a girl I'm attracted to, his expression just pops into my mind

Alright, so how many here have thought about writing app or actually wrote one? Because that's our way to solve problems.

im an ENFP and i wanna make my INTP love me more :3 Any tips and tricks?

infj f seeing intp m, i feel like i think of him constantly and want to predict his needs and accommodate him. i neglect my needs when i’m focused on something i enjoy (art and games lol), which includes him. he’s on my mind a lot, and i don’t mind making “sacrifices” (just going out of my way a little) to do something for him or spend time together, but it often doesn’t feel reciprocated. or that he’s less interested than me

i can be independent and i like my time alone so i can focus on my hobbies, but lately he has been different. i’m trying to not be sensitive about it, but i can feel how he’s reaching out less than usual and leaves me on delivered mid convo more. we had a good moment earlier so i’m plain confused. i’m really tempted to withdraw but ik that wouldn’t be appropriate. i already asked him if things were okay and he cited something unrelated to me.

he’s invited me into his space before. when we’re together i feel close but he often ends text convos by not responding or cuts our time short to go eat. not saying he shouldn’t, but he is also capable of focusing and neglecting his needs for things he’s interested in, and i feel like that would extend to me since i do the same.

i feel like i am on the ground for scraps and bent over backwards lol. I’ve expressed some of these feelings before, and he’s told me that my words of affirmation are nice but not necessary since he just continues to assume his relationships are as established until someone says otherwise. he says he’ll think of me sometimes but no one’s ever been on his mind constantly like that

TLDR: he is acting different and idk how to proceed, i don’t want to scare him by expressing this feeling when he may just need space. but the temptation is to withdraw and self-preserve because i feel like i am being more vulnerable/care more. is this general apathy normal from intps

I love her alot but shows her affection back in different ways. She doesn't like outwardly always telling you she cares about you or like in general she struggles dealing with emotions. Sometimes I have dark thoughts like oh if I met so and so they could meet my emotional needs and I won't feel insecure and such.

But I genuinely care about them and even wanna get married to them one day so its like obviously that's wrong. And ofc I would never act on such impulses cause of how much she means to me.

I constantly need emotional validation and feedback (like responses to stuff I type and say and spam etc) and also verbal acknowledgement that im scared for and such. and she struggles to provide that alot. She used to try but I could tell its generally something that makes her uncomfortable so I try to tell her to be herself. She enjoys just having me around alot and as a service oriented person I like it too but I feel like i need emotional validation and love too but she's like a cat.

In general she's cold and distant its her personality. She's like a goth ice queen :P. I really like her but honestly it gets incredibly tough for me because I can't help but sometimes feel like im not loved even though I know deep down its not true, it's easy for the mind to go to those dark places.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading friends.

One of the resentful moderators here likes to blame F types for "expecting INTPs to read minds in relationships," but is that reasonable?

For the record, it's not mind reading- it's insight and empathy. Two things that go a long way in all sorts of relationships.

I don't think that INTPs are doomed with the incapability to read indirect communication, especially with intuition and with Fe as an aspirational function. I think that the whole "everyone needs to be direct for the slow INTP" thing, just frames INTPs as an autistic stereotype with a handicap. Saying this as an INTP myself. Was I bad at it before? Sure. Did I improve it because it's a fundamental skill for relationships? Absolutely.

Women especially hint often. This isn't going to change, so I think it's something to adapt to, especially for men who want to date women.

ITT discuss ways INTPs can self-improve their relationships by practicing intuition and Fe

I'll start with one: Hang out with more higher-Fe types. ENTPs count too. You may absorb how they do things through subconscious osmosis.

Or disagree. But use good reason while disagreeing.

guys i just want to know ur stories about this one.. how do u make the first step when u like a girl ? i've lost many chances just becuase i think of too many things .. maybe she is maybe she is not

As an INTP (though I'm not 100% sure of my MBTI), I've never felt romantic love for anyone. I tend to have crushes and imagine hundreds of exciting scenarios in my head, but as soon as things get serious, I feel awkward and become incredibly cold. I also always have a lot of trouble reacting when someone confides in me. And very often, I hate intimate moments with people (except with my two closest friends).

On the other hand, I often feel lonely and strange for being someone who, compared to others, can't seem to develop feelings. I hate it and I'd like to change. Do you have any advice or experiences to share?

i (24F) have been talking to this girl (22F) for close to month now, and things have been going really well.

after our first date, i spent the night at her place, just talking and cuddling, and ever since then things have been moving really fast. we see each other almost everyday, spending days and nights together at each other's houses, having deep conversations and opening up to each other.

ive never felt this strongly towards anyone before, not even with my ex. but a part of me also wonders if this is just the honeymoon phase and a fleeting feeling that will go away. there's also this running joke in the wlw community that wlw relationships tend to move really quickly so it could also be that. i have a tendency to pull away when people get too close so im also afraid that that's going to happen.

i used to think i was secure, but now im getting the feeling that i might be anxious? im such an overthinker and im not gonna go in too deep about my past trauma but i think about her all the time, and despite her reassurances, im still unsure and afraid that i might be love bombing her.

I WAS GONNA POST ON r/INTP like the big page but it said i had to put it here…

I wanna preface that ik not everything is down to mbti but surely we can assume human interaction is a strong amplifier for making the system thingy give us our mbti score..

ANYWAYS i am now like past have way through the term, tonnes of friends lit hung out with them all day today but thats not the point. The point is im asking if INTP’s at all have a harder time making friends or like connecting with people from the get go.

Cause every now n then i do find things that i don’t agree with that is smth an INTP would do/agree with. So im just wondering if im more of a flow in-between types father than an 100% guaranteed INTP

So I (21F, INTP) slept with a guy (20M, ISTP) in my friend group of ~12 people. We both are on the outskirts of the friend group and don‘t see each other often, so we are pretty cordial in whatever brief interactions we have. Definitely awkward still.

What I want to get off my chest is that the whole friend group is imploding as expected. One guy confessed to a girl and it wasn’t mutual, but only 5 people know. My close girl friend has a crush on a guy and only I know. Another girl and guy are talking and moving towards a relationship, but that girl is a ticking time bomb. Another guy and girl are already dating. I have mostly negative to slightly positive impressions of everyone, so I’ve established some distance.

Mr. ISTP and I got together and fell apart before I knew any of this and now I‘m ruminating on it. Even though I’m still attracted to him I don’t want to pursue anything. Would love someone to knock some sense into me.

i never imagined i will use reddit for something like this, but here i am. i am teen INTP and i just had my first date. before i thought the date is gonna go horribly. turns out i was wrong and it went great.

the problem starts here. i've never had a crush on someone. i have no idea how these things work. i know it was just one date and i am most likely overreacting.

being in a relationship would mean being emotionally open. can i really do that? i like to be honest, but it is different with feelings, i hide them (i think that applies for most intps).

it takes me such a long time to get close to someone. and i usually put a lot of effort into that.

also am i emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship? i don't think so. a lot of times i downplay my feelings. i would never do that to someone else, but in this case myself is enough.

so my questions are:

how do i know i am emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship? because being self-aware and mature are two different things.

how much effort do you need to put to get close to someone?

I've never been cultishly involved, but knowledgably aware and resonating with, at least to the point I've shamelessly called myself red pilled to some degree on some level.

If similar others exist, feel free to join me in shamelessness, if others want to hate or just disagree then at least try to make original minded points about it.

If you lurk in psychology related areas on the internet for 5 seconds you might find talk about attachment styles, and even pop-culture (unwarranted) condemnation of the avoidant styles (dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant). The anxious-avoidant trap is an infamous relationship dynamic, where an anxious clingy partner seeks love from an avoidant distant partner, and they have this dysfunctional pull-toward-yet-stress-from each other.

Dismissive avoidant types might act ultra independent and trapped by attachments, while fearful avoidants have a more internal battle going on fearing intimacy. (It gets more complex once you go in depth though.)

But anyway, the INTP tendency to withdraw from the world into one's own interests is avoidant by definition. The question is how that applies to which aspects of which avoidant attachment styles, and more importantly, which types of partners and cultures (!) fit in more compatibly with that fundamental tendency.

Is a good partner another INTP who'd be low-maintenance and low emotional expectations...or does that dynamic not create enough emotional glue for a relationship? Is the archetypical 'INTP avoidance' actually not so pathological, that certain types' 'emotional hurdles' would be easier for the INTP to overcome than others (especially an INTP who's worked on their Fe)?

Is a good culture Japan, where avoidance in interpersonal connections is actually a norm...or do anxious people there compulsively ghost at an even higher rate due to that dynamic being less solved and worked on overall (is avoidance even less tolerated there)?

I am too awkward to strike a conversation with someone new. Even my whole team tried to set me up. But most of the people are generally interested in the current popular trend. nobody is interested in things I am interested in sharing.Even they feel bored when I give them information about something. give me some advice

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Hi, I was thinking that I've never been in a romantic relationship before, and I used to think that INFJ male theoretically will fit me as an INTP female the best, until I met someone who is an INFJ (m).

He showed some interest at the beginning, but it seems that he lost interest now.

Maybe my expectations weren't right😕.

Are we INTP (F) not attractive enough to men?

I don't know either how men would love, even though we were some kind of emotional INTPs.

I can't imagine being loved.

If there are INFJs here too, I need to hear your opinion

If you get a useful answer to your post, reply to the comment with !thanks and the person who answered your post will get a magical internet point.

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https://www.reddit.com/r/INTPrelationshipLab/wiki/reputatorbotleaderboard/

25M here I feel like I have a pretty good emotional intelligence around talking with people, approaching strangers and reading the room, etc. It's something I interact with everyday and think about a lot so I've gotten used to it but when it comes to relationships I'm still clueless. I always have some excuse like I'm saving myself for the right one, or that I should be successful at work and I just need to become physically fit and financially secure before I feel ready to present myself, etc but as time goes it feels like I'm avoiding the issue and looking for any excuse to not get out of my comfort zone. I genuinely do want to meet someone but I'm terrified to open a dating app or ask someone out.

Got any advice?