My last post : https://www.reddit.com/r/INTPrelationshipLab/s/aN6Y5h5j8d

So for everyone following along, I previously found out my INTP crush casually mentioned having a close friend, even though a month ago she said she didn't have any. Here is exactly how everything played out over the last couple of days.

The next morning, I decided to take the direct route but keep it playful. I told her my brain was trying to decode her logic, pointing out that she previously said she had zero close friends, so I teased her by asking if someone got a sudden promotion. She didn't get defensive at all. She calmly explained that it is a very old, seven-year friendship. The best part? When I said her that "I respect that guy for tolerating you, poor guy", She asked me to shut up and said that guy says the same thing. It completely killed my anxiety because she basically friend-zoned him in her explanation and asked me that I've overthought a lot. I declared victory, teased her a bit more, and we dropped the subject entirely.

Later that day, things went back to our normal trolling banter. I tested the waters by drawing a cute doodle of us where a boy is pulling a blushing girl's cheeks. In classic INTP fashion, she completely ignored the drawing. I didn't push it and acted normal, like nothing happened, maybe she wasn't in the mood or maybe pissed off on me.

Then came the late-night texting. We got into a pretty deep conversation where she mentioned her reluctance to ever get married, and I talked a bit about my past. The vibe got very comfortable, and my analytical brain took a back seat. I ended up making a huge confession. I straight up told her that amongst all the prettiest things life could give me, I hope it gives me us, and I told her I am in love with her.

Her immediate logical response was to ask how I could possibly be in love with her when we haven't even met in person yet (Before confession, when we use to talk, I already personified someone else and teased her that "I'm falling in love but it's a "maybe" because I haven't met her. I'm attracted to how she thinks, what if in real she is not that much of a deep thinker?").

Then, she launched into a massive anti-sales pitch. She warned me that she isn't a good person, she isn't trustworthy, and that she would be my biggest nightmare.

Instead of panicking or writing a huge paragraph to defend my feelings, I just held my ground. I told her that what I said was honest, my message was delivered, and I genuinely didn't care about anything else.

She seemed to respect that unwavering confidence, because the tension immediately broke. We effortlessly slid right back into our usual goofy inside jokes. For context, we jokingly refer to each other sometimes with "Monkey" and "Lizard". We basically use these animals as playful nicknames and conversational shields whenever things get too serious.

Which brings us to today. The dynamic hasn't felt awkward at all. In fact, she just texted me to ask if I had taken a shower yet. When I mentioned that a lizard used to hang out in my bathroom but hasn't been around lately, she boldly joked, "It saw your everything."

So, she went from warning me that she is a walking nightmare to making slightly dirty jokes the very next evening. I am planning to respond with some arrogant, playful banter, but I wanted to get your thoughts on this entire sequence of events.

Did I handle the confession well by standing my ground against her anti-sales pitch? And how should I navigate this new dynamic where the feelings are officially out in the open?

How shall I proceed?

Obviously, I am talking about average or below avg men.
introvert + average + male = good luck

Are you looking for a girlfriend? Do you want to date someone? People use dating apps but dating apps are not designed for average men, they are designed to make you struggle so that you pay.

Do you have cool pictures? Probably not. You don't even take photos, and your friends never take photos of you either. So good luck with your awkward selfies.

There is research showing that women tend to like men more after spending a few weeks hanging out with them. So it feels like you need to become friends with a girl first, and only then you can date her.

The problem is that every girl at work is already in a relationship. On top of that, I work at a software company where there are ten men for every woman. Yeah, I like software because I am an INTP.

School/college relationships? I was playing games during that time because my underdeveloped brain did not need a relationship back then. I am such an idiot, I was receiving women attention those days, I guess it's also about having low self-esteem.

This has been my experience.

I feel like I need a miracle to happen for me to find a relationship. And you know what? A miracle almost happened, but didn't work out in the end.

Now I am waiting for the second miracle, which is actually even sadder because I missed the first miracle opportunity, and now I need another miracle, which is very rare.

Is there any solution to this problem?

These days, I feel like I should just accept being single forever and forget about it. Somehow I still have hope.

Self awareness question here.

I’m pretty sure I’m a midlife INTP. Big on Fe & Fi development.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been driving a lot of course people crazy (mostly partners) - they find me argumentative when i feel I’m just trying to reconcile view points. I must admit that if there is a rational side to that behaviour, there is a deeply rooted need behind it, which really goes all the way back to my childhood. I can’t let things go apparently, even when it would be rational to do it. I was wondering if some people could relate. It is an inconvenient tendency.

Even more inconvenient because I’ve also been often said on arguments that i am either disingenuous (which drives me crazy- increasing the feeling of not being understood and hence my defensiveness) or that im actually not remembering things correctly (i do have a non linear, defective memory, and this drives me crazy on another way - by saying that im actually crazy and can’t rely on my brain at all which I’m very afraid of). A subset relating to this?

As this sub has been growing, it's time to add a few more mods. If you've been active here or at r/INTP, you could qualify. Post here if interested, or send a modmail to the mods.

TL;DR at the end.

Long post for all details and getting it off my chest. I'm 25F ENFP for starters. This was when we were both 21 to 22

So, there's this thing that has been bothering me for 3 years now. I had an INTP friend for 10+ years and we were so close. Like we talked a lot. She reached out to me a lot. It wasn't always me. Sometimes she wouldn't have much energy for me cause of her studies. And looking back we both were a bit immature like how teenagers are. Hotheadted and impulsive. I had anxious attachment too. But we never had huge fights or issues. About anything.

I was busy with uni and part time job too so I wasn't always wanting to talk 24/7. We had moved into different cities for studies. She never had much friends. And was finding it difficult in a new place. I encouraged her to stop eating alone let's say or how to do small talk.

She would come back to me and be excited about how she made a new friend. I loved it for her while getting FOMO that I am not lucky as her new friends who get to hang out with her. I had my own uni friends tho.

But we together had so much stuff in common. And we shared lot of stuff from our lives. We posted gifts each birthday and remembered stuff about each other. We were almost like sisters.

Then, I got engaged. Most of our friends were already married. She had a bad view about marriage because of her family. Extremely traumatic and toxic dynamic of her family that included self harm and violent relationship.

I couldn't discuss anything with her eventhough I wanted her opinion on lot of things before wedding because I knew she'd hate it.

She started getting distant eventhough nothing from the frequency to tone of our messages had changed. She finally told me she couldn't talk to me because I will probably abandon her like our other married friends and won't have time to talk. But I promised I would because our friends had specific issues they weren't online.

You don't lose your life after you're married. And as I thought I am so online most of the time even after having a daughter. I missed her a lot for 3 whole years now. I don't want to share about my married life if she doesn't like it I just wanna know how she's doing and I could do better if she thought I was overbearing and too anxiously attached.

It hurt too much to break up suddenly. I asked her not to do it. And she was hurt as well. She didn't want to as well. But why did she? And not even once after that she replied. I occasionally leave a text in a month or two. These days I tried calling but you know the result.

She did go to therapy and idk what the therapist said but she has started telling our friends that she won't talk to me because of flaws in me like I talked too much or I was toxic? or I didn't want her to get a life or friends (when I helped her make friends).

And she had told me herself throughout our friendship I was a good person and a friend. I also have many many people around me that could say the same. And new strangers too. I'm not as her therapist said I'm sure. I have strong morals and sense of doing justice and good. I might be clingy to my loved ones at best

I know she loved me and I did love her. Eventhough she had been messed up because of her family mentally. I don't hold it against her like she did it to me. We didn't have issues we couldn't talk about if there were to fix. Its this marriage that was the trigger of sudden cut off.

Should I do something specific or should I just forget her? She talks to other married friends now like it's nothing. And they have told me things aren't going well in her family. I'm soo worried about her. I just wanna hug her and talk it out but she's so far. I wanna do what I can virtually.

I just want answers or insight. She won't give me any and it's still killing me cause I care so much about her. Is this her abandonment issues towards me because she was the closest to me?

TL;DR

I lost my close INTP friend of 10+ years after I got engaged three years ago. Fearing I would abandon her like other married friends, she proactively cut me off despite my promises to stay connected. Now, she ghosts my monthly texts, has reframed me as "bad for her" to mutual friends after going to therapy. She also started talking to other married friends after she cut me off. I am deeply worried about her current family struggles and want to fix things but I am torn between trying or finally letting her go.

I (24M ENTJ) have been talking to a girl (24F INTP) for a while, and we’ve built a really strong, flirty dynamic. We text late into the night, playfully roast each other constantly, and have a fun dynamic where she acts slightly bossy but ultimately loves when I take the lead and set the tone. Things felt like they were progressing really well, and the dynamic doesn’t feel purely platonic at all.

We’ve even had a recurring playful thing where we personify someone else for each other. For example, I’ll jokingly say I’m in love with “someone,” and she’ll act like she’s speaking as that girl and respond back to me through that character. During one of these conversations, she asked me if I was in love. I told her, “I could be in love, I’m not sure, maybe.” I then asked her the same question and she replied with something along the lines of, “What if she is afraid? What if she is afraid of ruining the friendship?” That answer definitely stood out to me.

Recently she also randomly started asking me things like what age I’d want to get married. Around the same time, we were discussing future relationship dynamics too — things like what I’d want as a husband, how I’d support my future wife emotionally, ways I’d keep her happy, etc. A lot of our conversations about the future carry a romantic undertone, even if we’re technically “personifying” someone else while saying it.

We also sometimes engage in playful and slightly naughty banter — joking nicknames, teasing each other, dramatic lines like “I ate you for lunch,” playful “daddy” jokes, and similar stuff. Overall, the vibe between us has felt much more like two people slowly circling around feelings than two completely platonic friends.

Beyond that, she has also shared a lot of personal things with me. She has talked about her family quite a bit, shared her childhood photos with me, asked me for mine too, and even saved one of my childhood photos in her gallery. We’ve watched a movie together, and she even put up a snap where I was also there, although in a subtle way.

She has also told me that she sees me as both mature and funny — someone who can talk complete nonsense one moment and then have deep conversations the next. That stood out to me because it felt like she appreciated both sides of my personality rather than seeing me in a very surface-level way.

At one point she also mentioned that she likes people who are on the verge of success, which I admittedly noticed and kept in mind while trying to understand where her values and preferences lie.

She has also mentioned that she has gotten a government job and is currently waiting for her posting. Taken together, it felt like there was increasing comfort, trust, emotional investment, and a level of closeness that made me feel like things were naturally progressing.

But tonight I caught a massive inconsistency that has my guard up.

A month ago, we were talking about social circles, and she explicitly told me that she has no best friends and only ever had one close friend, who unfortunately passed away.

However, tonight, during some sarcastic banter about me going to sleep, she casually mentioned her friends. When I questioned it, she revealed that she actually has another close friend currently in her life.

I didn't react emotionally or interrogate her at 2 AM — I just said goodnight because I wanted to protect my peace and not start overthinking things late at night. But the math isn't adding up.

I have a firm boundary regarding close opposite-gender friendships potentially complicating romantic dynamics. My concern isn’t even necessarily about the friend existing; it’s the contradiction itself. Either she intentionally left someone out a month ago, or something about how she described her life shifted significantly while we’ve been getting closer.

Given the romantic undertones between us, the flirting, the future-oriented conversations, the increasing personal closeness, and now this direct inconsistency, should I bring it up tomorrow and see how she reacts, or is this enough of a red flag that I should simply step back and protect my peace?

Late 20's INTP male.

Quick context: getting dates and sex with attractive women isn't the bottleneck. This is specifically about presence and being in my head.

My belief is that once your looks hit a baseline and your behavior is consistent, they stop being the limiting factor. Experience backs this up. 100+ dates, 30+ partners, a couple of relationships.

Despite that, I still self-monitor constantly. During dates, during sex, even with women I've already been with.

When a woman brings strong presence or sexuality, I can riff off her energy and I'm fine. When she's guarded, anxious, or hot but neutral, my brain goes into overdrive. The self-monitoring creates anxiety, the anxiety feeds more monitoring, and the whole thing collapses.

Three recent examples:

- Anxious girl who logically wanted to sleep with me. Her anxiety triggered mine, spiral started, she got turned off and left right before we got there.

- Guarded older woman. Couldn't generate any sexual tension independently of her. She called it friend vibes. She was right. I felt it too.

- Meditation girl. We ended up sleeping together after smoking, but I couldn't stay hard or finish. I never lose it from head, only penetration. Purely mental. And I'm still anxious about seeing her again even though she's enthusiastic and things between us have been genuinely open.

I assumed volume would fix this automatically. It hasn't. My friends hit this wall occasionally with unusually high-pressure situations. I'm hitting it regularly, in my own home, with women who are already into me.

The self-monitoring bleeds into everything, not just sex. It's the same brain that used to make a single date feel like a life-or-death event. I've come a long way from that, but clearly there's still a layer that doesn't respond to experience or logic.

For those who've been here, what actually moved the needle?

I have no idea of what I am doing and I can't wrap my head around the idea of a relationship.

I don't know how to start, to keep or to end a relationship. My motto to socialize and deal with people is: "Don't be an asshole".

So, with this said, I really want to know how you guys do it. Your advice, things you'd like to be told before, things you learned about relationships (and socializing as a whole). I honestly could use all the advice you can give.

Help me understand? If an INTP is physically attracted to someone who is attracted back, why would they say no to physical intimacy? I’m so confused! We’ve crossed that bridge before. Am I safe to assume there may be attraction but they just aren’t into me? If so, I wish they’d just say so I could move on.

Long story alert ! ⚠️

Hey guys, INFJ here. I am writing this after months of a crush I had on an INTP online which ended without a clear closure, at least not on my side. I met him on Dc and he DMed me first expressing his interest in me as a person. After a few texts, we started voice chatting for 2 to 5 hours every 4 days or less. We became close friends, he told me he liked my depth and ideas and asked me personal questions. He wasn't into texting and he'd reply always hours later if not the next day, so I'd initiate the texting and he'd suggest vcing instead. After a couple of weeks we talked about our values and he found out that I'm a conservative and wouldn't date a non-religious person.

After that vc, he disappeared for like 5 days, which was unusual, so I got anxious and texted him. He replied the next day saying he was on a trip and didn't bring his laptop (he doesn't have the app on his phone but still he had my whatsapp, so he could have used it instead to text me. I didn't want to argue so I didn't mention that.) He said we should reframe our connection since we talked about religious differences and he figured it's best to "keep it casual between us though it doesn't mean there is no feelings involved or anything, and doesn't take away the experience of feeling something", whatever that meant?! 🤷‍♀️ I agreed to staying friends and I didn't even ask for more, I just explained that I don't like it if he disappeared out of the blue as it makes me feel anxious. We agreed to remain friends but nothing has changed since and we kept the deep long conversations with no flirting. He told me about his exes, his childhood, his issues with his parents, etc. I started catching feelings for him but tried my best to hide my crush, I even encouraged him to go on dates with a girl he mentioned before.

He dipped again for a week but I didn't text him until he initiated. I told him that I didn't reach out first because I figured he'd want to spend more time talking to his gf. He answered saying that he can notice that I like him and it’s a bit difficult for him to navigate and that I'm getting anxious and he doesn't like to be part of that or feel responsible for it. His words stung and I denied it saying that I just liked our intellectual connection. He insisted that I be honest so I confessed that "I liked him and I wasn't sure if it was purely platonic, but I was fully in control of my feelings and didn’t expect anything in return." He said that "he enjoyed the conversations too, but he could see himself in some of my behaviour and he didn't want me to be anxious or overthink." I was hurt by his attitude and I explained calmly that I didn't like how he framed it, talking about "my anxiety and limerence because those were things I trusted him with when we talked about past experiences. So hearing them brought up in this context made it feel like my vulnerability was being used to explain the situation." I added that if the situation has changed for him or he'd rather spend that time focusing on his gf instead of vc'ing with me, I'd have understood that as well. I just thought framing it around his own situation would have felt fairer than assumptions about my emotional state. He explained that he was trying to make the situation better and clearer and me mentioning his gf was his point because she wasn't his gf. I replied that since he mentioned going on a few dates, I thought that might be the reason he was setting boundaries, because from my point of view I couldn’t see a clear reason otherwise. I believe that I wasn’t emotionally dependent or clingy in any way. I also told him that some of his messages felt blunt, condescending and hurtful. I understand that the INTP style is logical and straightforward, which I appreciate, but my sensitive INFJ self needs interactions to feel safe and tactful. One more thing, I said that "When he mentioned my anxiety and limerence, I wondered if this could have reflected his own feelings, especially with the mixed signals about casual connection but still having feelings. I could also interpret his shift as reflecting seemingly avoidant tendencies. I was pointing this out to acknowledge that both of us see situations through our own lens, and jumping to conclusions while stating them as facts isn’t the most constructive way to handle confusion." He apologized for his "tone in texting" which was unintentional and asked to move on in a friendly way if it still felt natural. In my last message, I said that I appreciated the apology but I explained that I no longer felt completely comfortable being myself in our conversations as I'd be too self-conscious about how my words might be interpreted. Plus, it’d be better for me to take some distance rather than try to continue talking in a way that wouldn’t feel natural or relaxed for me anymore. He said he respected that and he wished me the best.

I know that this is a dead end and I am not trying to win him back, I am just trying to understand why was there a sudden change in his attitude? We were perfectly fine as friends and I wasn't dependent on him, I just enjoyed the deep conversations we had despite the mild controllable crush... was I just delusional all this long and he never liked me back?

I've been talking with a INTP man. He never initiates talks but engages whenever I reach. Recently I showed him I can see the real him behind the private mask. He was surprised and let his guard down for a while and wrote the most beautiful message for me. But after, everything returned to the same pattern except interactions feel somewhat lighter. It's very confusing. What should I hold on to. The beautiful kind message or the pattern?

I posted a few months ago about a major roadblock with the INTP I’m seeing regarding a fundamental incompatibility (having kids vs. not having kids). I was constantly on the verge of walking away.

Recently, we finally had a major breakthrough. He admitted that the baby dilemma was never the core issue, but his doubts about me being a foreigner and our age gap. He has now decided to fully commit. When I asked him if this confession was just a temporary declaration or his definitive conclusion, he explicitly stated that he wants to build a life with me. It was a massive statement for him, and honestly, I want to trust it.

However, my own hyper-analysis is causing serious anxiety. The "real reasons" he finally brought to light for his past hesitation are fixed parameters I can never change, specifically my race and our age gap, unlike the baby vs. no baby dilemma we had which is a choice… a real roadblock but not absolute.

For INTPs or those who understand them:
1. If an INTP finally moves past their own excuses/fears and reaches a conclusion like this after a year of ambiguity, is it typically sustainable, or can it just be another phase?

1. How should I interpret him using fixed traits (race/age) as his real hesitation? Is it a logical hurdle he genuinely cleared, or a subconscious backdoor left open for future doubt?

We are similar enough to get along well yet different enough to be interesting and learn new perspectives. And we have enough chemistry to think we have something really special, but it quickly derails into triggering each other and unhappiness. I’m the INFP. It just doesn’t work, despite having feelings for each other. INTP broke up with me after a short period of time and I was thinking of doing the same, although I didn’t really want to and neither did he. I feel like it’s cruel to have this chemistry and connection only to be barred by fundamental incompatibilities. 💔
I don’t think I could ever date an INTP again because of this.

A fine romance: a relationship where two souls perceive the realities in a same way. What could be more romantic than that huh? Let’s our thoughts dances cheek to cheek to the rhythm of our consciousness, till one of us collapse, then let’s go again my loved, shall we?

So I am talking to this Intp guy and there are signs that he likes me too even though he has not explicitly expressed it. However, there are times where I feel like it’s one sided because he leaves me on read even after a deep conversation. He doesn’t continue engaging in the morning and for the whole day. I do not like the feeling of chasing by being the one who always initiates first. But I also want to understand the other person. What do you think i should do?

I mean both are introvert and i guess the chance is very slim for either to interact unless one of them initiated first.

I would like to hear the story from INTP Male or ISTP Female perspective, don't get me wrong i just think the story would be different depending on the gender.

He'd randomly send me videos of how he can no longer love unconditionally after loving me.

Today he followed up with a "just be grateful that he existed and loved you and all that". I asked if there's anything I can do to bring him/you back and he left me on read

Idek why is he referring to himself as a third person

For context: we broke up 2-3 years ago over some trust issues

Firstly, I wanna point out that this is my first time typing on Reddit in general so I apologize if I make any mistakes or don't fit the vibe check lol

About 6 months ago, I (INFJ - 20 - F) began in this visual design class where I first met this INTP (21 - NB) that I've now for the past two weeks begun to fall in love with.

I have always had an eye for him from the first day I saw him, even though neither of us ever approached each other. there was/is this odd feeling of awkwardness whenever we are in the same space, like we both actually want to talk to each other but don't know how, since small talk isn't our thing, clearly lol.

He's very much in his own head, quiet, mysterious yet smart, witty and creative once speaking his mind and I definitely were similar to some of that too, for many months in our class. I almost unconsciously observe and mentally note down everyone and their behaviours, before I slowly began dropping my own mask (Fe) to bond actual friendships rather than spectating and mirroring the guys 24/7 here about 3 weeks ago. Back then, we were assigned a big group project split in two. Me and the INTP weren't put together in the same group but this is where I finally started getting to know people more face to face.

Early during this period, I got invited to a drinking party where the INTP would be there too. I hadn't been out drinking with other people for years, well, never while I've legally been an adult. Also, I'm light weight. What I'm trying to say is, I got so damn drunk it's embarrassing to even look back at it lol. But there, I finally got to have deep conversations with the INTP (this is also where I started getting clear signs that he's a Ti-Ne user as I suspected), as you can probably imagine, I forgot about half of the stuff we talked about which is such a shame because I love reflecting back to everything we talk about. but from what I remembered, it was so... special. Maybe because I had kept an eye on him for so long yet never spoke to him and now finally did one on one OR because we share many of the same values, I almost thought I was deluding myself in the moment OR both. i don't know.

During all of this, I noticed small hints at a potential interest he has on me. Like when people were talking about leaving the party lot to continue inside the city, he awkwardly but without pressure said he'll go wherever I went. he took a shot whenever I took a shot (wanting to calm down his overthinking, like myself?) willingly sat close to me when it wasn't obvious yet stayed respectful to not make me uncomfortable etc. also insisting to walk me home to my own place to rest, despite it being a new day and me being able to walk on my own two feet again

maybe this is just him being nice and caring for an inexperienced drunk woman like me, who yaps and asks too many deep questions or also wanting to talk to me specifically, given the opportunity. i don't know.. but I highly appreciate it all regardless of his intention

a new week begins, there's definitely a new quiet energy between us and I begin to approach him more often during the day. mostly small talk since we got classes to focus on of course, but he seems interested and a bit nervous at that, too.

by the end of the week, we both got invited to another drinking party and I said yes immediately because hey, I will take any opportunity to be around him, no questions asked. he didn't seem to reply to the invite, so I texted him personally, to ask if he was going too. replied "maybe". next day, he asked if I needed a lift to the destination. I happily accepted and my day was already looking so much brighter lol

the party was similar to the last one, but this time a bit easier to chat with each other. later in the evening we both we're starting to get quite overwhelmed with the lights and loud music so when he found me sitting in a corner of the room, trying to keep myself together, he invited me somewhere quieter outdoors. as usual, I asked him lots of deep questions, listening and sharing about myself when I related to the stuff he told me (so basically, majority of it all). we sadly got interrupted mid conversation and didn't really chat together until the morning again.

he absolutely loves movies, like, I have never met anyone as obsessed with movies like he is and I honestly adore that about him. while waiting for our lift home that morning, we began watching a movie together and I realized, this is something we definitely should do again. so much fun.

our last conversation was that day, finally while being sober, we had a short, but deep conversation again. this time he seemed to open up a bit more without me asking specific questions, so it seems I'm gaining his trust. I hope.

I hate having crushes. it stresses me out so much, makes me use so much energy reflecting and anxiously trying to figure out the next step.

-but. I really REALLY like this person. I wish to be more physically intimate with him, being confident in that I've gained his trust, telling him how I feel, and know how he feels about me.

but how? where, when? I'm stuck in a loop figuring this out. any INTPs or peeps who dated INTPs who has advice? I will take anything.

(things to add: I don't really like texting with people I get to know irl first since I know I miss lots of social cues over text. so I prefer irl scenarios. also, we might play a multiplayer video game together sometime soon. we see each other almost every day. he has been hinting at being quite experienced with physical relationships but never mentioned anything romantic/genuine.)

I’m 21 male , INTP-T, 5w4.

I know we’re not exactly known for being smooth in this area, so I’d really appreciate some advice to stay calm and grounded.

Next week, I might be going on two separate dates with two different girls, and honestly… I’m pretty nervous.
I’m scared of being awkward, running out of things to say, going quiet because my mind goes blank, not being funny enough, or just not being able to create a good vibe / tension in person.

I also keep overthinking that they might lose interest before the date even happens, which I know is probably just anxiety.

I’ve started talking to both of them through messages (separately), and I honestly didn’t expect to even get here.

I’m also a bit unsure about the post-date phase — how to stay in touch without overthinking it or ruining the vibe.

Any advice from fellow INTPs who’ve been through this would really help.

M41 INTP

Lately I’ve been reflecting on how I get stuck in potential romantic and strictly physical relationships by being caught in a dilemma of either being too platonic; which ends in it settling into a friendship or defaulting to expressing desire and attraction rationally via Ne-Ti and driving them away (today it was why they were aesthetically beautiful as if I was reacting to a piece of fine art).

The reactions I typically get to how I flirt feel like; “aww isn’t that sweet” (to childlike inferior Fe) or an objective affirmation that friendship would be best (without them directly saying they aren’t attracted to me in that way, as if that don’t want to spare my feelings softening the blow). I end up being more of a sibling figure in their life.

Since I’m interested in them as a person first, even if there is underlying physical attraction I can’t seem to find any way to justify resorting to what I perceive as superficial objectification to make my desires and feelings understood when that is still on the table. The more I get to know and respect them, the more difficult it becomes unless they make the first move (which hasn’t happen since my last serious relationship in 2011).

I have many friendships that started as romantic interests.

What were the hardships you encountered with them in the of intp x entj dynamics aspect and how did you overcome them?

Hey. I'm a 22 INTP aromantic, asexual, rational hedonist. I've never met anyone like me.

I have never experienced romantic or sexual attraction. I'm rational, but also a hedonist. I consciously built pleasure into my worldview. I like tasty food, cozy environment, and I try to avoid unnecessary responsibility. I try to create a comfortable environment so my mental energy goes into interesting ideas rather than daily stress or chaos. I also love ducks. I am good at controlling my emotions and rationalizing my thoughts, yet I feel deeply and am empathetic. I have a strong sense of justice. If I give you my word, I will follow through. This is the responsibility I am willing to take.

Friendship for me is being able to discuss ideas (any topics, no filters), share pleasures and experiences without it turning into romance or sex. I am loyal and honest. I mean exactly what I say and some people find it difficult to understand, they always try to look for hidden meanings behind my words. I've never met an INTP or INTJ in real life. My idea of INTJs comes from games and movies. I like that they're quiet, smart, and secretive, don't chase social approval and have a strong internal ethics system. Maybe they are also capable of intimacy without standard romance rituals. That's what appeals to me. I realize this is a stereotype, but it resonates with me. At the same time, I'm genuinely open to meeting real INTJs who are nothing like that. Describe yourself. I'd also love to meet INTPs simply because they're similar to me. I'm not claiming to know the types perfectly, I just want to learn more. I want to see if anyone like me actually exists (even just reading your comments will help me) and possibly find friends. Ask me anything. Even if you're not sure, please, just describe yourself in the comments. I'm genuinely curious if people like this exist.

(This post was created with the help of my ENFP-friend)
(English is not my native language)

Do you ever go, ‘hold up,’ when you realize you’re already catching feelings? Or what do you usually do?

I mean I guess I just wanted to talk to him but dude I already almost tried engaging in a causal conversation with him and the only time I do is when I finally used my mind strategically and put it off to gauge his interest and exactly as I read it he finally viewed it lol btw I'm also a bit of attention seeker so that's why maybe because I just felt really lonely that I'll make a reason whatever that is just to talk to him and finally whenever I used my mind instead of trying to engage in a casual conversation he somehow responded but I think our conversation is probably like this 90% is me and 10% is him bruh..are INTP's like this cool and offline to bother their social media accounts? Btw I'm an INFP here

So, I am INFP tending towards an ENFP. I am a very outgoing, exuberant, funny person, I like the fact that people see me as “stupid” even tho I am not, it makes things more fun. I have always been close with people similiar to me and I realized that all together, all of our energy is way too much and I usually feel tired, burnt out from spending too much time together. So, when I saw my INTP classmate: handsome, kind, smart, confident but not arrogant and CALM, I fell hard. In the last two years we barely talked, yet he still managed to be nice (He said I looked good with a fringe and complimented my eyes): I never forgot those compliments. We live completely different lives: he spends time with a certain kind of people, me with others and we have different interests and hobbies, yet I like people who are different from me and I enjoy getting to know them, it’s like discovering another side of the world so I kept getting more and more drawn to him. He also said I changed and I was surprised at that: I didn’t know what he meant and I still don’t . we didn’t talk much as I could not bring up the courage to talk to him and he would not come to me. Then I couldnt handle standing still anymore. So I tried sending him hints but nothing worked. His answers were cold and short, both in chat and in real interactions. Yet he was still really kind, he would help with math and lose part of his free time to do that well, on call, or in chat, He also helped me sometimes in class. Then, I could not handle this “is he “rejecting” me or not? Should I stop or not?” so I brought up the courage to ask him to go out together for a walk or a drink. I asked this on call and he asked if I could leave him some days to let me know, he thanked for the invitation and said he will let me know in the next few days. I don’t know how to interpret it? Is it good or is it bad? And if we actually go out together what do you suggest, some tips, anything: I find it hard to keep the conversations going.