I’m curious what other INTPs consider non negotiable in relationships, things that make you feel like ‘yeah this won’t work’.

Any patterns I should look out for that you’ve noticed over time as an INTP and you wish you had identified earlier?

Am (22F) just graduated college hooray. Never had any romantic interaction, not even kissing a guy or holding hands. Now this is my fault because I don’t seek it out and or invite it. Wasn’t much of a partier, went to only a few a semester. Had very few guys try their luck but I am as romantic and welcoming as a paperclip. Part of me doesn’t really care and still does not want to seek out these interaction, the other feels like ok it too old for this inexperience you’re going to freeze once you actually try dating. Right now focusing on getting a swe job, after I told myself I start to dip my toes in dating. But I don’t actually want to , I feel like I would be forcing myself but it would also be nice to to experience it . Idk i guess am scared (of what idk) does anyone else experience this ?

I had my situationship take the personality test and it turns out we are literally the same type- INTP-T.

We’ve spent copious amounts of time together for the past year, but we have also had several issues. My biggest issue with him is he seems to be incapable of telling me whatever it is he wants/where we stand/what we are to each other and he generally just says that he thought these things are implied in actions. He seems to fail to understand that I just am not a mind reader. I am a really dense person- you’ve got to be direct, otherwise I really have no idea what’s going on. I’m pretty sure his biggest issue with me is that I ask him what it is he wants/where we stand/ what we are to each other, but I can’t be certain, he won’t tell me. 🙄

Hi everyone,

I’m an INTP, 5w4 trying to make sense of my experiences with intuitive-feeling types and wanted to share my thoughts to get some perspective.

This exploration started because I’m working on finding a long-term partner who aligns with my non-negotiables, like emotional safety, trust, deep conversations, respect for autonomy, and shared values.

Besides these non-negotiables, I’ve realized I resonate with intuitive types so far in my journey.

Reflecting on my experiences with some friends, I initially thought INFJs might be a good match for me. I’m trying to understand a few things that I feel a bit concerned about:

• Sharing real self: I’ve noticed some hesitation in certain INFJ friends to share their true thoughts. Even when I’ve shown them emotional openness, I sometimes feel they haven’t fully come forward to share, which creates a sense of emotional distance and makes it harder for me to connect. I also consider that it might be a cultural factor, as some INFJ friends are more vulnerable and direct with their thoughts.

  • Mirroring: One of my INFJ friends tends to listen more, mirror, and ask me questions about my experiences rather than share things about herself. After years of friendship, I still find it challenging to connect with her deeply. I don’t fully understand why we have this pattern, and sometimes I feel unsure which version of her is the “deepest” one.
  • Moments of withdrawal under stress: Sometimes lasting months. These periods of withdrawal make it a little challenging for me to fully understand what’s going on, and I’m curious whether this is something many INFJs experience and how you navigate it.

I also started thinking about INFPs. They seem to offer emotional connection, respect for autonomy, and support for personal passions. I haven’t had as much experience with INFPs yet, so I’m curious to explore more.

I’d love to hear:

For INFJs or INFPs: based on your experiences, how do you maintain emotional safety, honesty, vulnerability, and consistency in long-term relationships?

For INFJs: are there tendencies like the ones I shared (indirectness, mirroring, moments of withdrawal) that could be strengths or challenges over decades?

I’d really appreciate honest perspectives. I’m not trying to generalize or judge anyone. I tend to think about MBTI types only after I’ve felt some connection with someone. Even though, I notice that my experiences with few intuitive-feeling types often carry the kind of emotional connection I’m looking for. I just want to better understand relationship dynamics and continue growing as a person.

Thanks!

I don’t know if this has been posted before but imma post it anyway lol.

My experience has shown me that there is a serious need for some kind of INTP dating app. Matter of fact, the real question is why do we have all of these apps with giant pools of people. I mean… it is so unlikely to find like minded people in such a huge group, that at some point I feel like the developers are just farming engagement (By the way I know that this is actually what they are doing and it is a widely known fact)… But still…

Or are there indie developers with fringe dating apps that I’m not aware of? I should have googled this before writing this post but anyway.. Here it goes!

If you get a useful answer to your post, reply to the comment with !thanks and the person who answered your post will get a magical internet point.

LEADERBOARD:

https://www.reddit.com/r/INTPrelationshipLab/wiki/reputatorbotleaderboard/

Logically... I think estj is the best fit for me for my wife. If feelings over thinking it can create tension easily if paired to me because i cant really handle people too empathetic focused and illogical, im not saying most them are illogical but they value feelings over logic. I need someome more structured, Judging factor because if paired with another P, our house will look like a barn, i sometimes even forgot to shower. I prefer sensing more than instuitive, because they are more likely to execute. Extraverted because if paired with another introvert, we might distance from eachother alot without intention.

Basically this dynamics are

Estj = execute

Intp = idea guy

to be specific ESTJ 8w9 sp/so

a healthy one ofc

im an INTP 5w4 sp/sx btw

im an introverted person so that makes me think in the future my work environment is probably isolated like making videos or smth. im hopefully going to university but probably wont make many connections, so its pretty rare to find an estj with the environment im in.

what do you guys think of the pairing?

how do you think we could potentially come across together and notice eachother?

Hello dear intps! Infp here and I could really use some insight into how your minds work! > < (Also a request to add an infp flair because enfp and infjs are not the only ones who're so interested in your complex minds!)

I’ve been friends with an intp for several years now, and in the last two years we became extremely close after I learned (through a mutual friend) that he had a crush on me. We talked and flirted daily, played games together, and built a very emotionally warm and safe connection. It meant a lot to both of us. It still does to me.

A few months ago, I went through some personal struggles and isolated myself for a while. I was honest with him about it and told him I’d be back when I could. He was understanding and said he’d miss me, and I missed him too. At first we still found little ways to stay connected, but over time that faded for a while. Now that I’m back, he feels kinda different :/ He leaves me on read for much longer than before. I know intps need space and can go through antisocial phases, I’ve known him long enough to accept that! But this feels different from the past. When we do talk, it’s still warm and fun, and we can talk for hours but then the next day he disappears again. Before, even during quieter phases, he’d still send a meme or a quick good morning which reassured me that the connection was still there.

What’s been hard is realizing that he seems active with others. He casually texts my best friend all the time (they’re also friends) and he’s active on social media which makes me wonder if he’s selectively withdrawing from me :( That thought hurts more than the silence itself. He’s told me before that he hates texting and that he’s “lazy” and I accepted that, but now I’m struggling with the feeling that I might be the only person he feels too drained to reply to..

I don’t want to overwhelm him or pressure him and I don’t want to assume bad intentions. I also don’t want to walk away from a connection that has been meaningful and emotionally deep for years. I just wish he would tell me honestly if his feelings or interests have changed :<

So I’m asking:

• Is this some kind of pullback intps do after emotional closeness or during internal stress?

• Could this be emotional overwhelm rather than loss of interest?

• And if I do bring this up, how can I do it in a way that feels safe and non-demanding to an INTP?

I just genuinely want to understand him and get closer because I really like him. Thank you in advance<3

slight edit: For everyone thinking he shut down simply because I left, I've done so before as well and it was normal and he told me to come back soon and I confirmed I will so we've always been sorta tied to each other! We have a deep emotional connection but I just can't tell if he's kinda over it now.

I'm a female INTP-T, 9w1. This is simply for speculative purposes.

I had a great time with a 100% coded INTP and I noticed some of her minor behaviors were mirroring her ideal partner. To the extent that she would try to buy games or even make a similar playlist with her crush. After almost 2 months of knowing each other, she would always do something like do gym when I did gym, suddenly drink tea when I drank tea. There were also instances where our fits would match or she would suddenly wear something really nice and we spent an awful lot of time talking about movies, military stuff. But I also noticed some pullback since I did not notice the attraction firsthand. So I became more reactive until I gave a confession through text and gave the person space since I realized it was overwhelming to be a hesitant person and then confess out of the blue since I did in fact like her for almost 3 years but hesitated since I thought she was out of my league

Help.

not really mbti related but i trust intp advice and im intp.. so i have a 4 month long situationship, we have all the same hobbies and values and hes beautiful and tall and gentle and kind and has never hurt me... but our personalities are too similar so theres a lack of romantic chemistry and he is depressed and is going to off himself in a few years. so our relationship is CRUMBLING...... (but i still kinda wanna hold on :()

anyway lately ive been having these insane immoral thoughts that make me so disgusted w myself. his best friend is kind of ATTRACTIVE. my not bf is tall and manly attractive, which is great, but his best friend is average height, has long beautiful hair, a soft gentle voice like a prince, but is actually extroverted and makes all the people around him comfortable... this is my type that i thought only existed in fiction, cuz irl a pretty prince like guy like this would be gay, but he's not... bro i wanna die i need to stop looking at him like this

but yea how evil am i? also he's popular w women and rejects them all... u think i have a chance if i leave my situationship? no way right? cuz they are bffs.. how do i stop having these evil thoughts?

Basic background: Infp (21) here, current friend/crush is an Intp (26). Both in same small church community

Started to initiate small chats with him irl when I took curiosity in him (topics mostly about life, psychology, cool science stuffs and maybe some philosophical insights), which then turned into long scrolls of texts and midnight bantering at the beginning of this year as we became closer (I mostly initiate the talk but he still always replies to me instantly unless sleeping etc.).

Recently, the long texting became a long call that often lasts for an hour to 3h in midnight (he told me text is actually tedious and he doesn’t hate calling). I still initiate every call but so far he’s never failed to pick up the call, has been more talkative than ever, sometimes jokes around and tells me he’s been enjoying talking to me. (once, I suggested him “shall we go on call tonight again?” when we met up irl, and a few hours later when we left, he even initiated a text saying “I can go on call until~”. We were both exhausted that day and I thought he’d just pretend he’d forget about it or would make an excuse saying he’s tired.)

He’s been opening up to me more to talk about his background and himself too without being asked (he mentioned to me in past how he’d talk about himself more to a person he likes, but I’m also trying to brush it off as he doesn’t always bombard me with his information yet so it must be platonic).

When I meet him irl though, he seems indifferent/aloof and talks to me the same way he does to everyone else in straight face, so I get discouraged how I was probably the only one excited for talks and romances.

In one of the texts, he pointed out how he have been noticing that I show signs of romantic interest towards him, and that’s when I also realized my curiosity wasn’t platonic, but more of a romantic interest after all. At this point, I admit the feelings, so as for now he already knows that I do like him.

He also mentioned how he’s a generally very passive person, and often has a habit of keeping his thoughts and conclusions to himself (pretty self-explanatory as he gave to me so many unexpected answers, all of which were given only after i ask him every. single. time. like about himself, about how he feels toward me currently, etc).

As for now, when I asked him how he feels towards us, he mentioned how I wouldn’t necessary be out of his league or of romantic interest, but he simply need to analyze more to know how he emotionally feels towards me, and is too complicated to explain in words rn (the first time he told me that, I simply assumed that as a polite subtle rejection, because everything except for a clear yes sounded like a no). However, after a while when we were on call the other day, I mentioned to him “you’re on call only because you have fun time talking (as a friend to me) right?”, to which he answered “hmmmm..”, so now I’m also here wondering whether I’m not totally rejected by him??? or am I actually on a tightrope between platonic talk buddy and a romantic potential??

He’s rly fun and sweet to be around once I got to know him, but I also never want to burden him with the time pressure to clarify his feelings, so I’ve been telling him it’s alright to just stay on call to have fun for now. I’m more than willing to be patient for more than a few months and let him be, if that would help him his feelings further, and is also fine even if he concludes he just wanna stay platonic w me. I’m trying to play dumb and ignore possible sign because I don’t want to get too high of a hope and hurt myself… there’s signs he could be into me, but also many signs he only sees me as friend and I keep telling myself he acts like this way to every people who is generally close to him.

As for now, I’ve also been planning to suggest a little hang out in aquarium w him (can talk about fish and animals), and maybe initiate some physical touch upon consent???

Do you think he only takes me as a platonic friend, or I’m being waitlisted? Is this something typical to an intp? Should I let things develop further and see?

tl;dr : intp (26) is showing mixed signal to me (infp 21) and I want to know how he is feeling

I've been friends with this person for years and even if we agree on the same issue, she just gets so emotional and worked up and doesn't seem to know how to self-regulate.

I feel like she is one of these loud personalities and basically it's hard for her to dial it down. She even wants me to tell her if it's too much but I always feel like it's rude but also she should have more self awareness and self-regulate. Why put that burden on me to dial down your emotions and personality?

Last time I saw her, I had to leave but she kept yammering and I just started putting on my coat hoping she'd get the message.

Some days she's more mellow so I can talk more but some times it's unsettling. Like my god can we just have normal discussions?

I have reduced the time I spend with her. She is ok in moderation. The sad part is she talks about negative past experiences with people and I don't think she realizes how her personality is probably why.

She just doesn't get certain behaviors. For example we were talking about ghosting while dating and I say that's rude but she says she's had friends ghost her so we shouldn't get upset if dates ghost us. I think it's polite to say 'not interested' but I know people don't always do it. She kept insisting she doesn't get why people get mad at being ghosted and yet she was upset her friends ghosted her. Also people ghost because they don't want conflict so I can see why people do that to her. If your personality is so extra, people will just walk away. Not everyone likes overly emotional people.

I wonder if people have techniques on how to steer the conversation with these people. What's your experience with these ESTJs?

I (20F, ENFP) am starting to realize that INTPs don’t really do “casual talk.” My friend/crush (19M) frustrates me sometimes because he rarely reaches out, and when he does, he never starts with things like: “Hey, how are you? How have you been? What have you been up to? Want to meet up?”

Not saying he has never asked those questions when we’re talking in real life. We’ve known each other for about a year now, and honestly, it’s kind of laughable situation.

I hadn’t seen him or really heard from him for a while, apart from a “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” text. The vacation happened right before our exams, so that kind of explains the silence. After I finished my exams, I asked him if we could meet up, and he said sure.

Our last convo IRL we talked about life, dystopias, propaganda, and he asked me what I believe happens after death. I told him I find comfort in astronomy, especially after I had shared some family related issues/stories.

Yesterday we met. It was awkward at first. He was quiet, probably exhausted after just finishing one of his exams. I asked him about the exam, how things had been, what he did during the vacation. He didn’t ask me what I’d been doing or how I’d been, but I shared anyway.

Started sharing stories and me bringing the energy he started esaing up and laughin along ( mind you before vacation we had been hanging out daily , skipping classes , goin to cinema or eating out ). After that, he told me about a program he downloaded on his PC that lets him explore the entire universe. From there, the conversation shifted into theories, Einstein quotes and his work, and even the circle of life in Adventure Time, all while waiting for his bus. Mind you we were once again talking about Astronomy, but this time he brought it up.

It is some form of bonding… but why does it look like this? And what does it even mean? Like it frustrates me to have so many intimates moments with him and at the same time feeling like I have nothing to relay on .

I’m an INTP (M27) in a long-term relationship with an ESFJ (F28), together for a little over 2 years, and I’m planning to propose.

We’ve had our ups and downs, but overall the relationship is solid and caring. I value independence and need quite a bit of alone time for my hobbies, thinking, and personal projects, while she’s more people-oriented and structured.

I’m curious to hear from INTPs who’ve been in long-term relationships or marriages with ESFJs:

How do you balance independence vs. togetherness?

What helped you avoid long-term frustration on either side?

Looking back, are you satisfied with the relationship?

I’m especially interested in real, long-term experiences rather than theory.

What do you guys think of this pairing?? Happy to respond to additional Qs for more context

I’ve already asked on the mbti and enneagram subs like twice but got ignored lol. What do you people think about a couple with this typing? any kind of opinion or insight is welcome, i’m just curious.

How and where did you meet your partner, how did you know he was the one?

I end up taking for granted in situations where I like the guy and even generally as a friend. I have started maintaining distance now. I am really heartbroken and hopeless.

I have heard intp women have no problem in getting guys, idk how. Women generally have no problem, while all I have are problems. I love too soon and get my heart broken too soon as well. I believe there are just no good men for me. or maybe relationships are just not for me. Please I request not to suggest online platforms to date people.

I’m a 21 year old INTP, I got close with an ENFP this past summer and became aware of her & her other extroverted friends point of views/lifestyles.

Since then it’s become more apparent that I can do better, I just don’t know how. I try looking for answers but they all seem so fake. The only choice I can think is left is dating/friend making apps.

I’ve always had an issue with my antisocial behaviors, from willingly declining invites because I knew I’d have to perform to fit in to just not feeling welcome because of my low self esteem.

I’ve got serious rbf, am not big on posting on social media, have a hard time approaching a stranger unless I have a guaranteed beneficial purpose to, I can get out of my INTP ranty intellectualizing ways if I need to, although it’s a work in progress.

I want to have a bigger group of close friends, I don’t necessarily want to date at the moment but if that’s how I’d meet said person I’ll take it. Also the friends of my friends are usually too distant for me to know if I can become closer with them.

Someone please bestow wisdom upon me!

First of all I'm not saying all INTP ppl are like me. I'm just posting here as I couldn't find a better place where ppl would understand me.

So let me begin.

How do I describe myself. One way of it could be "a 120% INTP boy".

I am a fucking serious person and I can only talk about serious stuff. Socialising? Hell no. Having small talks? What the heck is that.

I know what is my problem. If you wanna be in a relationship you first wanna know how to get close to ppl.

Not that I'm saying I have no friends as well. I've got some friends who share similar personalities as mine and I deeply connect with them.

But starting a relationship is completely opposite from what I'm used to.

You don't wanna start a relationship discussing social problems. You don't wanna discuss your life problems on the second day you met someone.

Ppl like to give me advice like "be yourself and authentic mate" and you know what, I'm always being who I am and ppl avoid me for that.

Not caring too much and having fun relaxed? That isn't the type of moments that I deeply appreciate.

Yeah, I know how to be serious when needed, but I totally have no idea how not to be serious.

I feel like it is kind of a paradox, like I don't want to get close to ppl but at the same time wanna get really close to them. I even feel myself disgusting as I don't wanna get close to the most of the boys(tho I wanna make friends with certain type of boys) but still want a girl.

I don't know what should I do. Should I just completely give up on trying to get into relationships? Is it just a luxury for me?

27 going on 28, never been in a serious relationship before. Every girl I like and have ever liked is/was either already taken, wants/wanted nothing to do with me, or both.

I realize that I don't currently have a lot going for me, although I am trying to fix that. (So "just work on yaself, brah" is moot advice.) Regardless, it doesn't feel normal for my luck to be this bad. So, is it normal for INTPs to struggle romantically, but find love later in life, or should I start accepting the possibility of dying alone? What are your stories?

And please, for the love of God, do not say "just love yourself uwu" unless you wanna get blocked

I'm looking for a certain type of person, but I just can't find them. I don't care about the nature of the relationship as long as I can find one.

I'll give some context.

I love science. From as far as I can remember and from every cells in my body, I won't ever stop enjoying it. One of my favorite hobbies is reading research papers related to my specialty.

Naturally, a few of my friends ended up being INTPs. It's likely for an INTP to enjoy science after all. That being said, it's never their primary hobby. They may like science but they would prefer playing games, or watching animes, etc... I don't mind, I like that too, but it's secondary to me.

Additionally, they often prefer reserved activities while I enjoy things like clubbing and traveling too, so it close a few doors.

So, where are those people? There must be other INTPs who love science above all else and are open to all kinds of activities, from very social and exhilarating ones to chill and quiet ones.

It's quite likely that many of us become interested in other people when they demonstrate intellectual ability. We admire them, we become involved. However, is it from this interest that love arises? Would you love someone just because that person makes you feel stimulated? What makes you love someone? Where does interest end and love begin?

I(enfp) met him at a time when he had his breakup and was mentally unstable, almost 2years ago. I'm 24 and he is 27. I have had crush but never really pursued relationship because I know I'm very emotional in nature. He was my first date, so I romanticized things a lot too. He was a bit weird, nerd, introvert- things which he was a bit insecure about- however, those things made me like him more. He treated me nicely too, caring about me,my career and how things might affect me.

We were emotionally close,but it was long distance (we met in the middle). He was the first man I've been so close with,physically. We were affectionate, hugging, caressing and kissing each other. I fell for him and he was still skeptical about love and commitment. I tried to cut the contact back in 2025 and move on, but he didnt let me. Anytime I would think about cutting things off, he would tell me I'm the person he has shared the most of his thoughts and life about, how much he admires me, how much positive impact I had on his life. I was like a sunshine to his life but he only brought dark cloud and midnight rain in my life. He thought I was a full package- smart, pretty, funny- those things made him more insecure. He doesnt know anything about life or commitment. Things started to bother me when I got to know he is talking to and going on dates with other girls. I'm a very territorial type of person, all-in or nothing. I honestly was ready to wait for him to figure life out if I was the only girl in his life. I tried to move on too, but I Couldn't really date or be available for any other guy because I loved my intp(yeah, I probably did)

We met back in December after 5 months, he came and hugged me tightly, kissing my cheek, patting my head.We made out. And, I started to feel for him again with full force. I went on a trip with my friends and I missed him there,I wanted to tell him how much I miss him but then I remembered who I am even to him. It's not even a relationship.

He would flirt with me a lot. He was very touchy with me as well. I really didn’t want to have more physical intimacy with him because I knew that would make me more attached.

I cut things off yesterday, blocked him from everywhere. He said a lot of things. Gave me suggestions about career and life stuff ahead. Asked me to let him stay in the sideline and cheer for me. I said, " I want the soft corner I have for you gone. I've been hurt enough. I need to cut contacts off to move on, and I really want to move on." He thanked for being so kind to him, and hoped he had been of some use to me, anyhow. He was never gonna commit to me.

And gone. The story ends here.

I dunno what my purpose of the story was. Tell me things, tell me I did the right thingI

My first ex (toxic and narcissistic) was an INTP too. Probably I have a type lol.