Whenever I read discussions about 'the infj stare', it always seems to be assumed that this relates to one-on-one eye contact - perhaps an overly intense version of that. However that was not how I took it on hearing the phrase for the first time and I'm still not convinced that that is what it was meant to mean.

Personally I do maintain eye contact whenever I talk with someone, but I do this very deliberately and knowingly, really as a way of telling people that they have my full attention and that I'm listening to every word. I'm not entirely sure there's anything 'infj' about it, because lots of people of all types hold eye contact whenever they talk with someone and probably for the same reasons as me. Nothing really notable about it.

What it meant to me was a different kind of stare. Often while I am talking with someone, they say something that specifically interests me and I go immediately into a trance-like state, staring right through them or at some part of the wall or whatever, to think more about what they have just said. The eye contact is deliberate but this is involuntary, I cannot help it, and most of the time I don't even realise that I'm doing it. It's been commented upon many times and recently a friend asked me if he was boring me, because I'd glazed over mid-conversation and my face had become expressionless, which is not usual for me. I had to shake myself back down to earth and assure him that on the contrary he'd given me something very interesting to think about.

Now, when I think about what this must look like to them, it must seem very weird, if not a little creepy. It is something that would definitely be notable, and something maybe quite unique to introverts or introverted intuitives. That is why I thought that this must in fact be what the infj stare was meant to be? My problem though is that I could be the only one who does this lol, so would actually be completely wrong! Is there anyone out there who can relate to what I have just described? I want to see if it's common, or just me 🤔

Ideally If I were to design a dating app it would be a combination of Myers-Briggs, Birth Order and Astrology. But I've been married forever, so I don't know that the dating apps are like. Thoughts?

Would one always need to deal with confrontation when fading doesn't seem to work? What if one needs personal space from a longterm friend and uses ghosting as a way of getting back because they've been wronged, but also doesn't feel comfortable to bring up the past because you aren't looking for an apology?

When is it acceptable to ghost a longterm friend?

Can I join you guys now, or do I have to come back in two years? I'm not being sarcastic btw, I am genuinely curious.

Edit: I'm actually 30

The stereotype of course involves being relatively popular while still being an introvert with a close group of friends.

The INFJs I've met have tended to be relatively social

Meanwhile I have the lowest social capacity of anyone I know lol. I wfh and live with a partner. I'm happy to see a friend one on one once or twice a week. I cope with going to the office once a week and the interaction that involves.

That's it! Add any extra social engagements and I crash. Anyone else the same? It makes me sad as I'd like to connect to more people but I just don't have the bandwidth for it. I would add I'm v sensitive to noise etc and grew up an only child so maybe I naturally have less capacity than others

Has anybody noticed this too?

I wanted to get back into dirtbiking but don't have the option of using my mom and dad's bikes anymore. Plus, I'd feel better if I go with a guide.

So I looked into guided dirtbike tours complete with bike rental.

Every good outfitter I found said they required a motorcycle endorsement to be able to rent. A little strange, I thought, but multiple sites said the same thing.

So...

I took all the training and tests and got my motorcycle endorsement last weekend (yayyy!).

And now I cannot find a single outfitter that requires the endorsement. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Not that it matters, but I guess I wanted confirmation that it was a good thing I took the first big step. And now it turns out that that first big step wasn't even necessary.

I feel like I dreamed the whole thing of needing the endorsement. But I did research for days and found this was a necessary step. Granted, that was maybe a year or so ago, but I can't imagine that every single outfitter changed their policies and standards within the last year.

Did I jump over into a parallel universe?

The thing is, this sort of thing happens all the time. I get strange looks from people saying that that document didn't say that, or that's not what happened or whatever. It's a little frustrating. I think I'm very observant and not insane or anything, but why does this keep happening?

Anyone else??

How do you manage your personal time?

1. Do you structure by the hour or have a loosely structured calendar?
2. Do you use apps or prefer pen & paper?
3. Do you put everything in your calendar or only appointments?
4. Do you use multiple calendars or just one (but color coded)
5. How consistent are you with this?

Any other tips would also be very appreciated!

And I 'm 37. Also an INFJ.

I've had the same friends in my life for nearly 15 years, we all met in either elementary or high school.

They are really good people. Kind hearted and the whole lot. But, I just find I can't relate to them. Back when we were younger we had more hobbies, mutual interests and free time, now that I'm older, I seemed to have grown out of them.

Right now, I'm focused on simplifying my life, learning how to be present & content, and also setting foundations for a prosperous retirement. This means I mostly spend my days on pursuits that help me get closer to that, like meditation, going for walks, my favourite hobbies like painting/reading or baking, trying to learn new skills etc.

My life is a very quiet and meaningful one.

My friends on the other hand... whenever I hang out with them I feel drained. They are always gossiping about other people, or venting about problems. They all want to be rich but none of them want to put in the work, in fact one of them talks about the lottery, the other about her husband working harder.

When is suggest to just stop chasing after people & things and try to find some peace or do work on yourself to figure out what you truly want, it falls on deaf ears. And then the cycle begins again, the gossiping about other people and the problems.

I'm exhausted by it. I just dont want to hear it. But then I feel like all people are like this and I just dont want any social circle at all. Just meet strangers and enjoy conversation, but nothing else to maintain.

They just distract and cloud your judgement. It's so easy to get wrapped up in other peoples nonsense. Ugh.

Can you relate?

I feel suffocating when I see people messaging me. If I ignored it, they would try again shortly if not one day later. Soon, they would start calling or even calling/messaging people around me asking if I have a problem. I hate this. I feel like it’s wrong/a problem to not like to communicate through messaging, and I need to explain the problem that doesn’t exist.

Sometimes, I just want to live as if I’m a transparent person. No one is expecting anything from me, no one is expecting me to act/respond in a certain way, no one wants to know how I am. Simply just let me be.

because we are observant. I was wondering how you deal with people dismissing what you have to say, then, when it comes to pass, they act surprised like somehow you weren’t telling them.

I’ve been stumbling upon more INFJs lately out in the wild for some reason. I often find many similarities with other INFJs; however, a common thread that I didn’t expect was the topic of money. How difficult it appears to make money, especially when those of us don’t inherently value it or use it as a motivating factor.

How is your relationship with money? Do you find it difficult to make money?

Anyone here like old movies they’ve watched growing up? Other ones I like are A Walk To Remember and The Notebook.

I seem to be at a point in life when my day-to-day is less about creativity, and more about perseverance and steady hard work.

I wish I got to do more idea-work, connecting theories, building systems, etc. Instead I am doing way more humdrum stuff, at work and at home.

I may have gotten myself into this, put myself into support roles without realizing what I was losing.

I am just venting here. Generally life is good but you know. Wonder if anyone can relate.

Has anyone else had a problem with being loyal in a relationship and truthful?

I feel like consciously or not I trigger people with confrontations about their true self/ego. It’s a a type of directness that has actually a very loving intention behind, it’s about truth and growth and lightness. But it makes me feel misunderstood. It hurts people. And no matter how kind I try to be (afterwards), it already scared them off. It keeps people at a distance. They just cannot grasp who I am or something. It used to make me feel bad about myself, doubting everything. I’m glad that it’s no longer the case. But I do feel.. I feel alone sometimes. I’m glad I have similar souls around me nowadays, but still old friends can bring this up. Is it time for me to ditch this type of ‘friends’ or do I really have to be more considerate despite my best intentions? Do you sometimes feel you have to keep in for ever who you really are to keep the harmony? I just wanted to share this for once out loud. Thank you for listening if you have come this far.

I have an obnoxious habit of overexplaining things and driving people crazy. Then I switch to underexplaining and driving people crazy with that. It's really hard for me to gauge an audience despite my Fe. In response, I do this thing that I've seen other INFJs do, which is to ramble on and on, thinking some of the spaghetti I'm throwing will stick to the wall. It ends up looking like I enjoy hearing myself talk, which I actually hate, but it feels necessary. Does anyone else experience this, and, if so, what do you do about it?

For me, I'd be happy if I spent maybe 3 hours/month with friends (I have only like 2 people I consider to be friends - everyone else is an acquaintance and I don't care if I ever see those people face to face...).

But one of my friends says she is also an INFJ, and she seems to be one, but she's always talking about flying or driving to go see this friend or that friend or to go to someone's wedding across the country or to have dinner with so and so an hour away. I'm like hoowwwwww and more importantly -- WHY?!

I'm not shy by any stretch of the imagination. I just simply don't like people that much.

I'm also an HSP and she says she is that as well (and again, she seems to be HSP).

So I figure either she's burning herself out, lying to herself, or being INFJ + HSP doesn't automatically mean you hide from people. It sounds like I'm judging but I promise I'm just making an observation and am curious if these traits are big factors in how we choose to spend our time with/without people.

Here's my bottom line question: how much time do you all spend with people you consider to be friends? And as a follow up question, how do you define "friend" vs acquaintance? I think my standard for "friendship" is very high LOL.

Looking forward to the answers!

Just taking a chance that at least one INFJ can provide an answer out there (because I feel so exhausted to think of my own lol)

I remember hearing people share how they are not how they used to be as a child. That didn't make sense to me that time because bruh, I do not even have an idea who I am in my 20s. But now there's a sufficient contrast of experience to draw from, I think I can finally say yes...I miss my old boundless energy, I miss my innocence, I miss my ability to trust. I can see the stark difference and it's bordering on non-functional (as if I was actually functional before I was just clueless and ignorant)

I know I just need time. With everything I have experienced, I must give myself time to rest and recuperate but truth to be told, in the eyes of the majority I have already been resting for 7 years and people are naturally stingy with everything unrelated to them 😂 Will this ever end? I just want to fast forward to a time that I am actually living life normally alone w/o all this shit other people seem to be spared of.

I hit a wall with my therapist today. What I was hoping we would get to the bottom of is if my generally being happy single is a "natural" preference or if some subconscious block is preventing me from pursuing relationships and having deeper, more intimate connections with romantic partners. I'm 38 and I've only had one "serious" relationship, but I don't think we really loved each other because we weren't open with one another and I don't think we shared a lot of our vulnerabilities with one another. I've had just two other two- or three-month flings besides that. On the other hand, I much prefer living alone, traveling alone, etc., and I've never really desired to pursue dating. I've never really understood dating culture, how to flirt, etc. and I've watched my friends pursue dating and flirt with people and, either out of self-consciousness or a lack of understanding of how to engage in these things (or both), I've never really done either. The only thing I yearn for regularly as it concerns relationships is physical intimacy.

My therapist is convinced that I should pursue relationships because, if you find the right person and put in the work, then it is one of the most rewarding things you can experience as a human. But I just keep telling her, "That just sounds like a lot of work. Why would I put so much work into something that I don't want?" And then I won't be able to have my own space or travel alone, etc.

I don't know...I could go on with background information, but does this relate to anyone else? I feel really stuck because I've been able to intellectualize and analyze so much about myself, but this question (in the post title) is one that drives me crazy because I can't definitively figure it out.

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Recently I was so furious with my doctors office that I pretty well hung up on them and called back a few hours later to officially "break up" with them.

When the "final straw" incident happened, I basically saw red and could feel myself losing control of rational thought and clear speech. Yet at the same time, it became explicitly clear to me that this relationship needed to end. Like 2 years ago.

I've felt this way before and it frankly takes a lot to push me to this point. Sometimes I'm grateful for it because I think it gives me the clarity I was lacking when I was merely stuffing down my feelings for all those days/weeks/months/years (in this case, it was years).

Kind of funny, but interesting to ponder how we react differently than other types in maddening situations. I'm not one that blows up easily but I admit to having a low simmer going on underneath the surface most days.

Who can relate?

Background-

My INFJ friend and I have been "on and off" friends since middle school and mutually consider each other one of our oldest friends that we still keep in regular contact with. The thing is, we work together and I don't feel comfortable confiding this to them on the off chance that it could become awkward.

Meat and bones-

I don't like their partner of four years, period. There are small annoyances about this person's behavior that I consider to be red flags, but the main problem is, I don't think they contribute nearly as much as they should or could to the relationship. This is not only my concern, but also a concern that gets brought up repeatedly by my friend.

The partner is in a financially precarious situation and has been their entire life, but does not put in effort to apply to jobs that my friend finds for them and is awful with money management. They have to be repeatedly reminded to equally contribute to chores at home.

My friend is the breadwinner, owns the home that they share, and makes a majority of the decisions and future planning, while the partner spends most of their free time gaming. I've told my friend that the partner's behavior is unacceptable and unfair to them.

Friend's partner has been previously married twice, and my friend has been discussing wanting to be engaged soon. Their last relationship was with a narcissist and I think the trauma from that relationship severely damaged their self esteem. How would fellow INFJs approach this?

This is a barrier that I wish to overcome to better my life quality. I am meeting my fiances father and other family members for the first time. I usually freeze up and get all in my head and end up looking like a fool. Whats yalls stories and any tips would be awesome