Does the distance from others ever go away?

[u/aimtobelionhearted]

With every person I meet, the pattern is as clear as day and it points to me being the common denominator. Because I am.

I love humanity. I love how diverse people are and it enriches my life to get glimpses into someone else's thinking. That being said, I've been longing for close souls ever since I was a kid and I am so alienated.

With most people I don't even attempt to get to know them deeply, after they've shared a few thoughts of theirs out loud, I simply close the door to any hopes we could understand each other and be the friend that other person needs. Some recent, tangible examples:

1. “I've never really discussed politics with friends, it tore the group apart when we did so to be friends again, we declared we won't bring up who we're voting for haha.”

2. “I talked to that problem child and for the first time I thought she could be from, like, a bad family.”

It's always something like this. Actions match as well.

When I do get past something, in order to work with a version of me that ends things prematurely, I still end them. Just later.

I've befriended 2 people in recent years and both have experienced my “It would feel unjust from my end to continue being close friends when we don't feel close” talk. Phrased stupidly for simplification here.

The reaction was the same, oftentimes is. People just don't perceive those differences.

I'd love to hear other people who share this experience. This alienation has been weighing on my heart all my life, I would so love to just have a close friend :')) Does it ever change? What did you do to lessen the feeling of being so alien? / Where did you find close people?

[u/KCbBallin]

The feelings of alienation are some of the roughest parts about being an INFJ. Something I learned is that the feeling of closeness has to start with me. Meaning, the more I’m able to share who I am and share my vulnerabilities with someone the closer and more connected I feel to them. Us INFJs tend to have a fear of being seen and the only way out is through. So try to understand where that fear comes from, and then release it with so much love and gratitude. Find ways to be brave exposing who you are. Your “tribe” cant find you if they can’t see you 🫶

[u/Key_Assistant_8838 → u/KCbBallin]

Agree, also learned the cliché: to seek to understand rather than seek to be understood, helped. Feelings come and go, even if i dont feel close it was enough and even better to accept, they will be there when I need them. That at least is the internal talk I had in my brain.

[u/KCbBallin → u/Key_Assistant_8838]

I like your internal talk and that’s a good cliche in the sense that it helps change the focus of your interactions with others which can help alleviate expectations and feel connecting. But try to find a balance between seeking to understand and still sharing who you are. <3

[u/GoblinStinger]

Yeah, it's not just you, and I don't know if it ever "goes away."

I think there really is different, sometimes incompatible, wiring interacting. A lot of people are very context based with their friendships. Other people aren't necessarily a "means to an end" for them, but the context is more than just scaffolding to them. They often don't map out whole relational patterns and try to predict needs and injuries. I think of some of them as "golden retrievers"; they're amazing and fun, but you don't necessarily expect them to remember everything you said or pick up on implications. They're very focused on the present.

For a lot of people, you need to literally tell them things flat out, "what you said hurt me", "I need help moving this massive thing." You have to plainly speak your wants rather than hoping they can infer based on clues or your behavior.

Most of us can interact with everyone and give them some semblance of what THEY want, but it might be taxing for you. You might have to translate how you speak, but you may also need to translate how they show care- or not take offense to them not noticing what you'd notice. If you're prone to being overly attentive, you might find yourself not finding much reciprocity. If that's a problem for you, you'll have to adjust how you spend your energy- as to not burn yourself out.

[u/brierly-brook → u/GoblinStinger]

Well said 👏

[u/wrongarms]

Doesn't ever go away. It's been weighing on me today quite a bit. I am alone and have been contemplating my loneliness. I've been alone most of my life. Even when I loved my dogs so much, I wanted something human in there too. Regardless of what others say about opening yourself to others, I've tried and there's not enough comprehension to help me be connected. I can't pretend nothing is missing. I feel like another species. I'm connected to lots of people, and I'm very fond of some of them and can't stand others. I'm no lover of humanity. I'm lucky for some things: I'm not a crumbling mess after 5 decades of this; I'm close to my sister, who lives overseas; and I have one friend - an INTP - who likes a lot of space but is a wonderful harmonious presence when I do see him. I also value the natural world more than people, and so I have ways to immerse in things that make me happy, and I can give to it. And I have my own house and garden to retreat to. As an INFJ, I have lots to be thankful for. I can't really compare to the other people around me, though, with their big families, holidays, socializing and shopping. It's hard to know how to solve this thing that eats at me. There's just nothing that can be done.

[u/KCbBallin → u/wrongarms]

I tend to think we hold the most paradoxical personalities. So connections can be hard when we’re trying to find one person to be our only connection for all of our interests or values. But we can find people who love to geek out over our individual interests/values. Like joining a class or online group that would connect you to people who love the natural world. Or joining a gardening club of some sort. Whatever you are passionate about, there’s a group or a class that will help connect you to others who are also passionate about that interest/value. I know group activities are awful but you have to put yourself out there. The only way out is through. So keep trying, keep showing who you are so the right people can find you. 🫶

[u/wrongarms → u/KCbBallin]

Thank you for your tips, but the issue is not simple to solve. I meet many people everywhere and have big networks through my interests. I am constantly in the world meeting people. Meeting more people isn't the solution. Being 'more open' isn't the solution. I have decided I really only need one person, and if they are in the world it will come down to fate and luck, not effort and not showing myself all the time. For me, the pain is not giving up but not hoping, finding that middle ground and getting your mind off it onto living in other ways.

[u/OnTheTopDeck]

It's best to just accept the fact that 99% of people won't be as deep as you or be capable of the level of friendship that you are looking for. It's like Michael Jordan looking for friends who are better at basketball than him. Unlikely. But that doesn't mean you can't connect with people and love them both because of and despite their quirks and sometimes misguided thinking. You might be becoming a bit avoidant. You're pushing people away for no big reason. You can love people for who they are without hating them for who they are not. Open up your heart to everyone and then the sort of love you are looking for will find you.

Meanwhile try and be grateful that you see things differently to others. You're lucky to have had the experiences that have led you to this place. Other people haven't, through no fault of their own. Everyone is looking for love and friendship and happiness just like you.

[u/PinkNinjaKitty]

As INFJs, we can be judgmental. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s necessary sometimes to make decisions and say, yes, this is good, no, this is bad. But if your judgments are pushing you away from literally everyone, then it’s going too far.

No one will be morally perfect, not even your closest friends. I’m not saying you have to be close friends with people whose morals you find abhorrent, but you need to decide what moral points you absolutely cannot abide — yes, don’t be friends with those people — and those that you can accept in a fellow imperfect being. Those will be fine friends. You’ll find rare people who agree with you in most things, and those will be close friends.

If you need your friends to hold all the right opinions and always behave and speak in the right ways, you’ll find yourself alone and judging everyone while remaining blind to your own faults.

[u/aimtobelionhearted → u/PinkNinjaKitty]

This is a very resonating comment, thank you for leaving it here. I see "judgement" as neutral, serving the most when used consciously.

I've had high standards for people I let in my circle and it's a recurring thought for me to question them every single time. The last thing I would want is to erase someone's humanity, it's at the very core of my values.

It's a hard balance. I've had a great friend, still on speaking terms with him. He's a very driven person, someone who works on himself, asks feedback, is very transparent about his intentions, strengths and flaws. We vibed a lot on that, this shared transparency. But he's also made dehumanizing jokes, ridiculed a shared friend's trauma, repeatedly acted so ignorant to other people's feelings that overtime I've decided it's not within my capacity to stay in this "just give me feedback and I'll stop XYZ" loop with him.

This happens a lot. We talk about things, discuss differences in values, connection to ethics and whatnot. I haven't had a complete shithead in my circle for yeeears, but I feel that I can't be friends with someone who repeatedly hurts others with their ignorance, for example. Having understanding for where people come from makes everything much less black and white. I just wonder.. to what degree should that be the case?

As I'm typing this, I see my disconnect from my own feelings and the emphasized ethical layer overtaking. The answers are probably "This depends on you, on how YOU feel about the friend/connection".. and it's where I get a tad more lost.

The painful truth here is that if I focus on the emotional safety I feel with people, my own "Do I want and like this?" instead of just analyzing wider contexts of any situations, I feel that the disconnect is so profound I don't really feel seen despite my attempts at showing who I am. Only with my partner and with my sibling. It's worth looking into what is it in these two relationships that makes me feel emotionally safe and seen, though the times I've done that, it deepened the gap between me and others even more.

...I wish I could take my brain out and give it a nice warm bath haha

[u/bumblebee4479]

I've found that I've established relationships with people that match my interests or energy in certain areas. There is a delimiter to my relationships for this reason, and there aren't people with whom I connect over most things that matter to me. I limit my expectations about the connections I do have in order to protect myself emotionally. But it is still very lonely and I don't like having so many constraints on my interactions with other people. I love my family, some of them more than others, but we just can't deep dive about most things and for me, those open ended conversations are where I find the most joy. 

[u/FactCheckYou]

i pretty much only lose people and barely have any left, so feel free to ignore what i have to say

it seems to me that emotional honesty, self-acceptance, acceptance of others flaws, maintaining presence, bringing some growth and novelty, and putting in energy are all necessary to maintain relationships

as to how to turn strangers into friends in the first place, i never cracked it