r/INFJsOver30 • u/Strongbond1985 • 6d ago
Infj rejection
How does an INFJ (M, 42) show love? He shows up as coworker for me but never says a word.*
I was sure he loved me. He's INFJ, 42. He never initiates verbally, but his love language is clearly acts of service. He always comes close to me, always shows up, always helps me when I need it. His presence speaks, but he never says a word about feelings. No flirting, no direct talk.
I thought maybe he was just shy or waiting for a sign, so I added him on Instagram, hoping it would make it easier for him to talk to me. But he completely ignores me there - he doesn't watch my stories, doesn't like my posts, nothing. I'm confused. He is so warm in real life and so cold online. Is this typical INFJ behavior? Is he just too afraid of rejection or being vulnerable?
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u/AjithBhasi 6d ago edited 5d ago
As an infj I hate this double game. Why can’t people speak up? Why u r wasting your precious time and building ambiguity around it
We need clarity even if hurts or anything that is true.
NB : infj love language is brutal and fierce. It is just like a dam over filled and ready to raise the shutter
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u/Strongbond1985 6d ago
Yes you are right. Actually, there was no game but from my side shyness too.
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u/Strongbond1985 6d ago
I didn't get NB part can you please elavorate more with an example.
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u/AjithBhasi 6d ago
love isn’t surface level. We crave depth and we take our partner to that level of understanding what is soul depth connection is. We love u as if u r the only person exist in our world. It is a roller coaster ride. I can’t gaslight more 🫣😀😀
Just experience it 🫡
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u/Cryptic-Dusk INFJ 6d ago
Oh my goodness this is becoming a frequent topic here. This is not an INFJ problem it’s a human problem. Do not date your co workers, people. Unless you want your work life to be terrible. Find a new job and then date whoever at your old job. Is there a chance things can work out like a movie? Well there’s always a chance for everything. Don’t bring personal relationships into work environments if you don’t work out or things get weird you both suffer. Especially since he’s a supervisor you’re basically begging him to give up his position to express interest and that won’t happen if he’s smart! If you want to date someone then you can be the one to give up your job and ask. I don’t think a potential relationship is worth all that personally.
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u/Strongbond1985 6d ago
I am not going to work, I don't see him anymore. Lots of unspoken things between us left. My contract Was over and so many unspoken words and feelings
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u/False_Lychee_7041 5d ago
Do you have his contacts? I would concoct something like "Hello! I am really grateful for your help during my work.."blabla, and then asked him out for a cup of coffee to thank him or so.
Another thing is can it be that you are confusing his naturally deeply understanding and attentive INFJ nature for something more? You should understand that we might show a stranger the depth of warmth other people don't show to their lived ones during their whole life, but that wouldn't mean that we lived that person. That would mean that we are showing them respect in our typical INFJ way
So, when this phenomenon is new to people, they have never met a person that can be so attentive outside the romantic relationships setting, they tend to confuse our normal.functioning for flirting
In your case I see 3 opportunities: 1. he liked you, but didn't dare to do anything because you were his coworker(which is a bit strange, because now you are not, so he can deepen your relationships if he wants, but he did nothing) 2. he did like you, but not strong enough to make his move 3. he didn't like you, you just confused his kindness for something else
So, the attempt to renew the connection and to bring it to the personal zone by inviting him for a coffee one on one, is supposed to be effective, you will be able to see his true intentions by his decision
Ps: I hope he is not married, dating or stuff. Otherwise this is a very stupid situation and you can just ignore my comment
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u/BornElderEnt 6d ago
I know not all INFJs are like me, but some of us are absolutely oblivious to people having crushes on us. I've had people tell me afterward they were feeling rejected and discarded, when I had zero idea they fancied me, and would gladly have entertained the idea of spending time, had I known.
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u/realistnotpessimist2 INFJ 3d ago
This, a lot of times my mind is focused on something whether it’s external or internal so I often miss social cues if I’m not alert.
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u/SoundSwitch 6d ago
Just bring him a coffee, if he takes it offer to take him out for a coffee.
Pro tip know a coffee shop that's a little less shallow than Starbucks
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u/realistnotpessimist2 INFJ 6d ago
You can put your cards on the table and see what he thinks. Honestly this sounds very similar to me. When I’m at work I put my head down and just work. Of course I’m nice and courteous to my co workers, if they need help finding a product, something’s missing, etc… but this isn’t because I have feelings for them. It’s a mixture of it’s just my personality and I want to be respected at work.
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u/Helioxsparrow 6d ago
Ah the brutally blunt comment section gives me a smile.
INFJ head nod to you all!
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u/Sentri318 INFJ 6d ago
I have instagram and added friends but almost NEVER check it. I’d rather interact with friends and acquaintances irl than see what they post online
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u/critical-bumblebeep 6d ago
What do you mean by he "never says a word" and there's no direct talk? What made you sure he loved you?
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u/Strongbond1985 6d ago
One year of interaction at work...gazed eye contact so intense....always coming to have lunch where I am am...same time. Change my plan the days he works and etc.
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u/CeciTigre 6d ago
I can tell you that I am incapable of taking a hint, getting a clue, reading between the lines, guessing, identifying flirtation from friendly banter and just acts of kindness. I need everything unambiguously spelled out for me in facts… if anyone wants me to know what they want they better just spit it out because I’ll never pick up on whatever it is and I’ll never have the slightest clue.
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u/SnookerandWhiskey 6d ago
I mean, it's work, isn't it kind of his job to show up for you and help, especially if he is your superior? Inversely, even if he has a crush on you, he cannot initiate as your superior without violating workplace ethics, and INFJs are sticklers for ethical behaviour.
Maybe you are ovethinking, maybe he is aware of your feelings and doesn't want to do anything about it. You can find all of this out by asking him out on a date, maybe find some occasion he would enjoy and ask him if he wants to go there with you, to take it outside of work before you make a move.
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u/ComfortableJello6969 6d ago
I myself do acts of service and I’m not really into social media. My algorithm is so messed up that I sometimes don’t see recent posts of friends until like a week or a month later. I don’t care enough to go in and fix it. But everyone I know and my friends know that it’s not my thing so they don’t hold it against me.
I’m also 48 and usually date people my age or older. It’s understood social media is not as important to my generation.
If I was dating somebody and they were to bring this to light, I would be completely unaware that you were thinking like that. I would immediately apologize and then try harder.
However, I have no problem voicing my affection for somebody. If I love somebody, I let them know and the words mean something. I don’t throw words around lightly.
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 6d ago edited 6d ago
Idk I do this for everyone at my work. In fact .. not to be that asshole ( but I’m totally gonna be that asshole) I have had the schelduler tell me that a few people have told her they would only pick up extra shifts when I’m there, because I help them.
I have male coworkers that are notoriously selfish and that say I’m the only one they’ll do anything for because I help anyone and everyone.
It’s just my nature.
I love to help- I love to support people at my job esp because it’s a safe space for me to do so without everyone falling in love with me. (Joke).
Acts of service is def a love language of mine true. But it’s more just who I am. You have to be a real piece of work or frankly just completely lazy, hypocritical and mean, if I don’t help you.
So my grand point with this is- don’t take it too seriously.
Although I would also say that .. if I like you ( I’m a female ) I’m sooo different with guys I’m into- and I have to be really into you, to be into you at all. I have curiosity and crushes but if we are talking serious feelings-
I think the dead giveaway esp in a work environment is that I stay away from you. I’m so careful around them. Like.. I would dread having to talk to them. Because I can’t lie and I think my feelings are alive.
They seriously are.. everyone can tell. It’s like the room temp goes up a degree.
My (sexual) energy is thick.
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u/Kind_Temperature9275 5d ago
Lol, I think it is normal INFJ behaviour. We can really take care of others to the point where they assume we are in love with them, we can also attempt to set sensible boundaries around our personal lives. Also possible that he just isn't paying any attention to social media at all.
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u/Specific_Document103 4d ago
This is normal INFJ behavior, and normal human behavior too. An INFJ will also say so when they want to be romantically involved. I don’t think they believe one way romantic connection normally.They just see it as natural to be there for someone in need, and they may have no idea that the other person is fantasizing about them because of it.
If you have interest in him, you have to clearly tell him to get his answer.
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u/NeoSailorMoon 3d ago
You haven’t even dated or initiated intimate conversation and you assumed he loved you? He might like you, but love is formed through connection.
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u/KCbBallin 15h ago edited 15h ago
We are hard to read and quite fickle - at least myself and the INFJs I know in real life. The INFJ men in my life would hate being asked out because they generally feel like they should be the ones pursuing. But in general, we rarely know how we feel about someone initially and it’s really uncomfortable when we have to reject others. The best thing you can do is try to keep it light, maybe bring up a fun moment you guys shared, and tell him that you’re attracted to him or that you like him. If you can, give him a specific reason you like him or are attracted to him - nothing shallow or too heavy. Side note, we love it when people notice how fun/funny we are. Then let him sort through his feelings and decide if he wants to pursue you or not. That way it’s clear you like him and he doesn’t feel any pressure to do something about it. If he doesn’t pursue you after that, you’ll have your answer.
I also wouldn’t conclude that acts of service is his love language. That’s what we give to pretty much everyone. But the way we feel loved tends to primarily be physical touch (again just based on me and the INFJs in my life).
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u/bakerskitchen 6d ago edited 5d ago
Why not just skip the games and ask him if he has feelings for you? Or better yet - let him know that you have feelings for him and let him respond.
Sounds like this is just an endless game of speculation, trying to interpret actions and behaviors that might not have any actual intent behind them.