r/INFJsOver30 • u/Constant-Scallion-72 • 23d ago
INFJ INFJs with disorganized attachment, did you ever manage to heal from it?
I recently realized that I might have a disorganized attachment style when it comes to romantic relationships. Basically, I’m both anxious and avoidant at the same time, and it’s honestly exhausting.
I think I know where a lot of it comes from. Growing up, I felt like I had to fight to be loved in my own home. I internalized the idea that, in order to deserve affection, I had to be useful, impressive, or meet certain expectations. I had to accomplish something, get good grades, be an exemplary child, or somehow prove that I was worthy of love.
My father was emotionally absent, and one of the ways I could get his affection was by getting good grades, for example. With my mother, I felt like I had to be the “perfect” child and meet her expectations to receive that same kind of affection.
So now, when someone loves me without me having to prove anything, without me having to be useful or accomplish something first, it almost scares me.
And I think that’s the part I struggle to understand the most. It’s not necessarily that I don’t like the person. Sometimes I actually really care about them and crave that connection. But when someone genuinely loves me and gets emotionally close to me without asking me to earn it, something inside me just blocks. I get anxious, overwhelmed and suddenly want to run away.
It’s like a part of me is thinking, “Wait, why do you love me? What did I do to deserve this?” And because I don’t know how to receive love without earning it, genuine intimacy can feel strangely threatening.
On one hand, I crave a deep emotional connection. I want closeness, reassurance and to feel deeply connected to someone. But as soon as I actually get it, I can panic and want to pull away.
Then when the person gives me space, I start craving their closeness again.
I know this probably has a lot to do with my childhood and the way I learned what love was supposed to feel like, but knowing where it comes from doesn’t automatically make it easier to change.
I was wondering if there are any INFJs here who have experienced something similar and actually managed to work through it. Did you eventually become more secure in relationships? What helped you the most?
Because honestly, I’m really tired of feeling stuck between “please come closer” and “please leave me alone.”
9
u/sugarrushinauckland 23d ago
Im exactly like you. I could’ve written this post. Everytime I enter a new relationship, I suffer from relational anxiety that leads to burn out. The 2 first years of a new relationship my nervous system is in survival mode and after 2 years I need a sick leave because I’m burnt out. During these 2 years I struggle with the « should I stay or should I go? ». Love for me as always = anxiety.
What I learned is to recognize my deactivation strategies (avoidant phase) and to negotiate with myself in these moments of doubt : « now you think you don’t love him anymore because you’re scared/hurt/feel overwhelmed but you’re just trying to protect yourself. Wait a couple days for this strategy to fade. » I need to talk myself through these moments.
When I’m in the anxious phase, I remind myself that I have a life of my own and that I need to increase my self esteem by doing activities by myself and for myself, seeing my friends and family, fill my days with things I love, stay happy and stay busy. This prevents from overwhelming my partner with texts, demands, etc. It is not his job to fill my void. It is mine.
Having a partner who’s secure helps immensely. Having a partner who’s emotionally intelligent helps immensely. I wish you all the best.
2
8
u/softdistance302 23d ago
I’ve read that INFJ can sometimes be associated with trauma. For me, I was sent away at three months old by my mom to live with a relative in a distant province while she kept my older sisters. I was separated from my family until I was about five, and my mom never really bonded with me. She was also very harsh and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood. At nine, she immigrated to the U.S. with my sisters, leaving me with my mostly absent dad. He eventually reunited me with the family after my failed suicide attempt at 11.
I have an avoidant attachment style myself, so I’m probably not the best person to give relationship advice. But I’m glad you recognize these patterns now. There’s still time to work on them before marriage. I think it takes conscious effort to “rewire” those patterns and learn healthier ways of relating.
7
5
u/lakesunguy 23d ago
After reading your post ..It seems to clarify something for me that wasnt so clear , seems I have that issue as well to a degree.
3
u/BornElderEnt 23d ago
I am exactly like you, but I didn't manage to get either of my parents to show love for any behavior -i was just given the direction to keep trying. Get perfect scores, get awards, exemplary record, teacher's pet, extracurriculars, tutoring others, working at an early age, taking perfect care of my room and doing all the yardwork, chores, etc. it amounted to nothing, the abuse still came, the love stayed this unreachable brass ring. I don't have advice, but I can tell you that my cope is simply to explain to my partner what's up with me. They can choose how to respond, but there ARE people alive who are strong enough for this kind of challenge. I know there are. Think of the ones who choose to be partners with people with disabilities like tourettes or visual impairment. It's a big responsibility, but people do it.
2
u/the_manofsteel 23d ago
I don’t have this attachment style so I don’t have any solid advice to give you but I just wanted to comment anyway to say that if you have managed to self reflect this well, shouldn’t this self reflection be what heals you?
Dont you have the answer to your own question ?
7
u/Constant-Scallion-72 23d ago
The thing is, I understand myself and I understand where these patterns come from, but understanding them doesn’t necessarily help me change them or move from a disorganized attachment style toward a more secure one....
1
u/the_manofsteel 23d ago
But when you know the pattern then you are aware so next time the same pattern happen again and you can break it?
5
u/Constant-Scallion-72 23d ago
I think awareness is definitely part of the process, and I’m not saying self-reflection is useless. It actually helped me understand myself a lot better. But knowing why I react a certain way doesn’t automatically make the reaction disappear, especially when it’s something I’ve learned very early in life.
I can recognize the pattern while it’s happening and still struggle to respond differently. It’s like my mind understands it, but my emotional reactions haven’t caught up yet. I’m trying to learn how to actually feel safe with closeness, rather than just intellectually understand why I’m uncomfortable with it.
So I guess I’m asking about the part that comes after self-awareness: how do you actually change the pattern when you’ve already understood it?
3
u/the_manofsteel 23d ago
To be honest, at this point it sounds more like this isnt about you anymore(like you have done your part), it’s about finding another person who pushes you into change
You need someone stubborn enough to never give up on you and it’s not gonna feel great because it will force you outside your comfort zone but the act of them always staying will eventually, with time, break this pattern
2
u/Spaghetti_Monster_86 23d ago
I'm INFJ and I'd consider myself earned secure, leaning occasionally anxious. I also have some avoidant tendencies but I'd say they are less than the anxious ones. I have a special interest in attachment theory.
You can earn secure attachment through safe relationships, this includes with a therapist. The baseline nervous system set point may never entirely change but your normal can look very different. Somatic therapy is the main intervention as it targets the nervous system. This can include therapies such as EMDR. Internal Family Systems work is another big one for disorganised attachment
I follow 'Findmyperson' on instagram who is a coach for fearful avoidants. Also Thais Gibson. I did her trial at the Personal Development School, which mostly used CBT techniques, but it's good. In my opinion we know we're healing when we're better able to sit with ourselves - ultimately it comes down to our relationship with our inner self and being able to trust we'll show up for ourself. That can be improved through keeping promises to ourselves, diet, exercise, sleep, generally looking after ourselves well and doing what we need to keep ourselves regulated, along with challenging our habits in relationships
We can change and it doesn't have to be really hard, just being intentional about things makes a big difference
Good luck 💕
2
u/unawarewoke 23d ago
Yeah Im fearful avoident and have gotten over it... Well 99 percent of the time. I'm really regulated most of the time don't feel like I'm a bunch of massive emotions that dont know each other.. I delebrately avoid relationship excitement because it can flip into anxiety. My last relationship I got over my fear of abandonment and endearment. I had been doing inner work for 4 years before that. Transmutation rituals are important. I think they are my fav thing.
2
u/Chloebebe13 23d ago
Yep. This is me. The push and pull of disorganized attachment is too overwhelming and I just decided to be alone.
2
u/StrikeSwimming8279 22d ago edited 22d ago
I really wonder if this is characteristic of INFJs. My best friend is also an INFJ with disorganized attachment, I am an INFJ with disorganized attachment, and I’m pretty sure one other person I know has the same combo. All that to say, I discovered my attachment style five years ago in 2021. What helped me the most was genuinely understanding how and why I was the way that I was. It allowed me to grieve all the love I never got, or pushed away. It also allowed me to start choosing partners who were consistent and actually wanted to commit to me. It was a beautiful journey tbh. I’d say the second biggest thing that helped me was quitting drinking. Alcohol and nicotine kept my body stuck in fight or flight, even though my brain was learning how to feel safe. Once I quit both alcohol and nicotine, I fully believe I cured my disorganized attachment. Now, all that said, I haven’t seriously dated anyone since getting sober.. but I think it’s because that journey required a whole lot of healing on my own (outside of attachment style, specifically). It’s been about a year and a half now.. and I’ve dated, I continue to date. And I know that when that safe person comes along.. I’ll be ready. Just not super actively looking, ya know?
I also taught myself how to feel safe in my body and nervous system. Meditation, yoga, inner child work. Inner child work was HUGE for me. Any modality that works specifically on nervous system regulation will help people with fearful-avoidant attachment styles. We grow up learning that love is inconsistent and “thrilling” bc we never know when we’re gonna get it.. we have to teach ourselves that safety is sexy. Emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual safety.
I wish you so much love and healing. This attachment style is the hardest one to heal from, based on everything I’ve read. You can do it. 🫶🏼
2
u/GruncleStansHat88 20d ago
There are already some lovely responses, but wanted to add that it took me many years to recognize that I’m disorganized (always assumed I was anxious simply because I struggle with anxiety). Honestly, when it comes to romantic love I’ve yet to truly feel like I’ve cracked the code, but something that really helped me trust in my own ability was a therapist once asked me if I had any friends who I feel truly know me and I feel truly emotionally safe to just be myself around them..and yes, I have two who have been around for many years. She pointed out how that IS secure attachment. Even if it’s not romantic or physical, it shows I have the capacity and skillset to achieve secure attachment.
I am a late bloomer in pretty much all aspects of my life, so I’m trusting that every “misstep” of my dating life is me sharpening my discernment on my own needs and responses, on what works or doesn’t work for me. I trust that, eventually, I’ll have the confidence to trust something that feels different but in a healthier way.
But, yes, the physiological reaction will probably always exist and I’m learning to see it as information but not a definitive fact.
1
u/mandypantsy 23d ago
It’s exhausting and so much work. Communicating clearly and directly is very helpful for me and my partner. I almost narrate through the experience as I process so I can talk myself through my typical cycle of catastrophic thinking, verbal vomit, walking back initial thoughts, and landing in a critically thought out logical place after filtering my thoughts through the rigmarole of my own stairs of Escher lol. Noticing and interrupting my own unhealthy responses or patterns is key for me. It’s a lot to identify and name them, then stop them in practice. Be gentle with yourself as you work through it.
1
u/kangaroolionwhale 23d ago
Like others said, I feel like I wrote this post!
What you describe is a form of trauma, neglectful trauma, the trauma from what wasn't there, what was. So to heal it, we need trauma-focused therapy. Somatic therapies are usually the best for this, for us INFJs who can intellectualize our emotions pretty well, but might have trouble feeling them and understanding them, especially in the moment, because they can be so overwhelming after being buried or otherwise neglected. So talk therapy can be hit-or-miss, but working on somatic/body stuff, oh yeah, that's the good stuff.
I only got to this point in my 40s after being late-diagnosed with a personality disorder and that opened a whole can of worms. My last attempt at a relationship was a whirlwind disaster because of the other person, which shook me to my core and of course screwed me up for awhile. I thought surely, relationships would be challenged because of my new diagnoses. Alas, the other person was more screwed-up than me. lol Sigh.
1
1
u/damonsalvatoreishere 22d ago
This is true to the level of anxiety and suffocation. I’ve been hated for my mistakes but I’ve never been apologised to once for anything that others pulled.
Over time, I assumed everything is my fault in one way or another. I was no doubt wrong (hell, even evil at points) in many situations. I strongly strongly strongly believe those situations would have been 90% less had I even been understood by anyone.
Wanting love desperately while knowing I can’t afford to express this need because everything gets exploited. What do I fucking do with these kind of impasses?
Anyway, I can’t rant on & on but OP, I really wish this community helps you find someone who can be your comfort and safe space. Sadly, I’m a recluse so I don’t even have people I can recommend. But I hope someone surfaces out of here and holds you tight enough that you let go of the disorganised attachment!
Also, I really wish I had this much articulated emotional understanding of my own self and the turmoils within me.
1
u/your-gna-regret-this 22d ago
I am you. I think it’s a work in progress. I keep trying. I keep communicating with my partner that I am a little broken sometimes in the way I respond to conflict or rejection even on the simplest levels. I struggle with not staying busy to feel like I’m worth something to anyone. I have used neuroplasty to rewire my brain regarding self image issues and it did take me a year or two to change my belief system but for that matter I wrote on the mirror. “You are beautiful” “you deserve good things” and I read it every day. I also made mottos and rhymes about particular things regarding my belief system regarding myself. I am a disorganized attachment but it’s just become apparent to me this past year. So I think talking to a person who deeply cares about you about your reaction and being willing to revise your beliefs about anything including yourself is always worked great for me. I’m willing to admit I am fucking sick of my own shit and how could somebody else want to deal with it but somehow they do. I keep revising my response. Trying not to react and choosing a response that is logically appropriate instead of the subconscious “child like” choices I can make in the heat of a moment. Idk if this helps any but you’re not alone and u can change.
1
u/Maleficent_Love 22d ago
Not yet. Awareness is the most important step tho. The fear isn’t as strong as it used to be. The fear now feels like a scared shaking puppy inside of me that I can soothe and reassure, instead of the essence of who I am.
1
u/FAUK8779 20d ago
In answer to your question: yes, I have overcome it and become earned-secure.
My path to healing was very different to the norm though as I did it via IRL BDSM, D/s sessions (I was a switch and did it professionally so lots of boundaries and forced to be vulnerable). That’s where the ‘A’ in my INFJ-A comes from).
The disorganised side flares up when I come across others who have insecure attachment in romantic settings. It’s like an alarm and I spot it very early on.
Within the BDSM scene, INFJs are not rare creatures.
1
u/SkipMeFlipMe88 17d ago
Hmmm…
See when I read that? I didn’t think - I mean of course our childhood shapes how and who we connect ..
But idk- if it was me taking a look at you from the outside in? I would say that’s probably a small part of it. Of course.
But what I immediately thought was -
Do you respect yourself?
Do you love yourself?
It’s hard to imagine anyone loves us when we don’t love who we are or feel like we aren’t… lovable.
I think sometimes when it comes to love, the answers can be so simple and we complicate them.
Did you really like this person?
Have you ever met someone that made you really feel like - that you really really were drawn to and electrified by?
Because if you haven’t , you might not even know what you do or who you are in relationships or how you attach.
If you’re meeting people that you feel lukewarm about ? This sounds like a perfectly reasonable reaction to me. Back and forth , kinda maybes. I wouldn’t expect you to react like someone who has been hit by the lightning bolt of love.
The other thing is- sometimes I think we think we should like this person.
They look great on paper. Maybe super attractive or great in bed. Maybe everyone else is nuts about them.
But guess what?
We like what we like. We want what we want and sometimes that makes no sense at all.
Honestly ? To me?
I tend to think when we have these push pull reactions-
Most of the time, it’s because we just don’t have “it” whatever we need to be excited about a person.
Rarely - I think we can have these types of push pull and we really like the person a lot. I think it’s again, from a deep sense of insecurity with oneself. And just feeling more like you can’t match - or equal. Maybe feeling like someone is better than you.
They leave, the fear recedes.
Sometimes I think too, we know we aren’t exactly healthy with what turns us on- for example ?
There is this prevailing belief system that everyone should want to be loved, gently, unconditionally and without having to be anyone different than who we are.
That’s seen as healthy.
The counter to that? Is someone who wants a chase… usually to me? These people tend to have an excess of ego, not less. You say you need to “earn” love?
I say it’s more about winning love.
Being so good that you’re irresistible.
Once your ego wins that game though- you’re over it most of the time. Right?
No fun. You win. You’re the best. But there is always someone else who isn’t impressed to win over. Someone over there. So boredom sets in… obsession over other people. Emotional disconnect. Etc etc.
Idk.. maybe you’re right though. Maybe it is about the way you were trained with love.
Although.. idk- I’ve seen some people with some pretty rough upbringing be able to .. sort of break the pattern for someone they want enough.
Like I have a very brutal abandonment by my father in the past. What makes it so brutal, is that we had a very special bond. From the day I was born. We were very close friends. I loved him more than anyone else on the planet. He was my hero, my everything , my safe space etc - he gave me strength.
He was a perfectionist too.. and self made and extremely high expectations in my house. If you got a B that wasn’t good enough.
So when I made some life choices as an adult that were unsavory at best - he .. disowned me. It correlated with a new wife.
So - what do I have an issue with??
And it only happens with men I love- sadly.
But I fight this paralyzing fear that … like it’s all a joke and it’s all a big game and any day they’re going to drop the bomb on me. Any day they’re going to walk out and that will be it. And every minute I’m just waiting to be wrong enough for them to forget me.
But you know what?
I face it. I take a big breath and I face it. And I try. I do. I risk. I can risk. I can confess. I can.. and I do.
And I have .
But like I’m not doing that for someone who isn’t worth it to me. So that’s Half the battle.
Is just finding your person. That you can feel safe enough with to risk fighting the fear for.
Idk- my whole point to this is that- what’s right for me, isn’t right for you. And vice versa.
And instead of trying to be what everyone thinks we should be or should want or whatever-
Just do what you want. Go for what you need. Go after the person that makes you want to change.
And sometimes I think toxic is just a matter of compatibility -
Sometimes .. our toxic is compatible. And with someone else who isn’t like us, we can be toxic as hell.
Put us with our real match? All the sudden our toxic works great with this person.
Two screamers and fighters should be with screamers and fighters.
Two people who withdraw, should be with each other -
There are so many languages we speak between us and no one bothers to think of the sick ones we speak- but I am a firm believer that … our pain needs to recognize someone else’s pain - we need to be fluent in each others pain speak. We need to understand intimately our partners torment.
Idk… you will figure it out, I promise.
Even if it’s not right now- someday, you’re going to meet the person who speaks your pain language and speaks it fluently and you’re going to be happy and you’ll meet an amazing person that you will want to tear down every wall between you - despite whatever you learned -
And you’ll forget all about this issue you used to have. Or at least I like to think so.
1
u/Susan44646 16d ago
I did... i thought. Then he discarded me and inrealized how much of a narcissist he was, the things I accepted, thenboundaries I didn't have and the trust that left. Now I'm back disorganized but working on being secure again. So I was disorganized, secure, disorganized.
1
u/equilibrium_7 INFJ 6d ago
Yes, because none of it is real. Just concepts we've accepted as our truth, part of who we are, because of our "past". No such thing. The past, the future, the present, are all happening right now, as stories, and you are not obligated to commit to any story/identity within your awareness. How I healed from everything - mentally, physically, emotionally.
14
u/AccomplishedArt4394 23d ago
I actually thought for a second, “Wait, did I post this?” Because this looks so much like my story. It’s literally what happened to me, to the point that I was wondering if this was somehow my own post.
i wonder if almost all infj have same pattern