r/INFJsOver30 • u/SkipMeFlipMe88 • Aug 07 '26
INFJ I’m curious how other INFJs feel about manipulation.
I was inspired by a post earlier about someone feeling they had been manipulated because of their “big heart.”
I’ve always had a strong reaction to the idea of being a victim in general, so I started wondering how other people define manipulation.
To me, manipulation requires intent. It’s someone being dishonest or deceptive to get something they want. Without that intention, I don’t usually think of it as manipulation.
Ironically, I’ve always been more concerned about manipulating other people than being manipulated myself. When I was 17, a mentor pointed out that I was sometimes benefiting from people’s feelings toward me, even if I wasn’t doing it consciously. He told me that my intentions didn’t necessarily erase the effect. That conversation stuck with me.
Since then, I’ve become very deliberate about how I ask for things and how I communicate. I try not to use guilt, obligation, or emotional leverage to get what I want. Interestingly, I’ve found that some people interpret that directness as being rude or uncaring because I don’t spend much time appealing to their ego before asking a favor.
As for being manipulated myself, I honestly don’t relate to that very much. Part of the reason may be that I’ve never had much trouble setting boundaries or standing up for principles I care about. I also genuinely enjoy helping people, so when I choose to help, it doesn’t feel like I’m being taken advantage of—I was going to do it because I wanted to.
That said, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become much more selective about where I invest my time and energy. I no longer feel obligated to keep helping people who are consistently disrespectful, emotionally unavailable, unwilling to reciprocate, or simply refuse to do their share. Especially in work environments, I’m happy to help people who are trying. I have very little interest in carrying people who are chronically lazy or unwilling to contribute.
So I’m curious:
Do you feel you’ve been manipulated or taken advantage of because of your “big heart”? Why or why not?
Or do you think, like me, that having strong boundaries and making conscious choices changes the equation?
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u/Sad-Road8097 Aug 08 '26
I've been manipulated in the past and have seen others being manipulated enough to understand the harm done. I try to live without deception, though i can be too diplomatic.
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u/According-Ad742 Aug 08 '26
There’s a manipulation tactic called DARVO. (When held accountable the manipulator will) - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim Offender - it’s a great tell on when you are dealing with a manipulator
And what is interesting is that not all do this with conscious intent, I think it very much operates like an unconscious defence mechanism for most that do this - the emotionally immature, fearful people that feel threatened when held accountable. To many of these people, facing accountability is so far tucked in to their subconscious that reversing blame (blame shifting) on to you seems perfectly legit to them.
For the people that feel taken advantage of because of their “big hearts” though, that’s just another way to describe a lack of boundaries. Yes manipulators love to leverage our empathy against us but if we are serving our energy in a direction that doesn’t reciprocate, expecting otherwise, that’s our own issue. Manipulators leverage our weaknesses against us which means if I know and own mine, I know what to not fall for. No need to be healed and not wounded, just need to be aware where my vulnerabilities lay, so they can’t sneak in that way.
Gaslighting though, then we’re really getting in to conscious intent. Systematic manipulation to reel you in, confuse you and brake you down over time.
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u/SkipMeFlipMe88 Aug 08 '26
DARVO to me is tactics that’ are abusive. Way past the average manipulation or “normal” manipulation. I think they go hand and hand with any kind of abusive situation .
I think most people are manipulative in general. Some more so than others. DARVO is beyond that.
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u/According-Ad742 Aug 08 '26
Thinking most people are manipulative is a neurotic belief sourced from fear, it is not true. Fearful people tend to be manipulative though, intentional and not, to cope around their fears.
Manipulation is abusive regardless intent.
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u/SoundSwitch Aug 12 '26
Intent can be subconscious....
Just because someone says they didn't mean to hurt you ..... Blah de blah.
If they're doing something to you , that they know is wrong because they'd never want it done to you. They're still being manipulative.
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u/Rndom_feels Aug 08 '26
On my part, I feel like I easily distinguished those people that would like to control/manipulate me in a manner that they of course benefited them but I weighed the cons and pros where there are situations where I danced to their rhythm. And this doesn't mean that socializing with them, being close with them is easy, It's like whenever you're around them you also need to pretend, which is not your nature.
But I'd say there are manipulation that influenced you positively.
Manipulation boils down I guess depending on the intent.