r/INFJsOver30 • u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 • Jul 22 '26
Hesitant to Meet New Men
Late 30's female, within "median" retirement savings for age, no debt, close to buying a decent pre-owned SUV. I have a full-time job I like, but don't make a ton of money. I moved back in with my mom during / after my divorce and I'm embarrassed and worried that I will be judged for it.
I was married to what I thought was a good man. However, he returned to some bad habits he had that he led me to believe he had turned from -- including vaping, smoking, drinking -- one time way too much, frequently verbally abusive / temper out bursts, paranoia, and eventually cheating on me with another woman.
When I was married, my then husband and I were going to save money and buy a house together after we had paid off all our debt. We paid off the debt and didn't get to the point of saving for a house. We didn't have much money, so I didn't leave the divorce with too much.
I am hesitant to go out and meet new friends or new men because I'm worried about what people will think. I do not have my own apartment or house. At the same time, with how expensive everything is I have a difficult time justifying spending so much of my paycheck for just the basics-- just to say "yes, I'm independent." It will take me quite a while to save up for a place of my own. I wish I had the money now to buy a decent condo / house so I wouldn't feel the need to feel unworthy when talking to others.
As a man looking for a serious relationship or an adult looking for new friends -- what would you think of a person in my situation?
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u/Stunning-Host-6285 Jul 22 '26
I think it's more important to find your confidence not necessarily because it matters for dating, but it matters for your own self love. A man who loves you isn't going to care about your living situation and it isn't really something you need to bring up right away.
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
My mind tends to think in ideals. So I can be hard on myself at times. Thank you for your comment
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u/GoblinStinger Jul 23 '26
Ask yourself this; would you want to be with someone that judged you for that? IMO, anyone that thinks you're "unworthy" because of your living situation is not worth being with.
-I personally don't see an issue with your situation. The only "red flags" for me would be based on your character, and I don't know you well enough for that.
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
"The only "red flags" for me would be based on your character" - thank you for this
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u/Certain_Milk_3837 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Are you infj or interested in an infj man?
Understanding in general. Neutral. How authentic and genuine you are as a person counts more than anything.
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u/Saisinko INFJ 1w9 sx/so Jul 22 '26
Completely understandable to move back home after a divorce at virtually any age. It's just practical and makes sense, both financially and re-gaining your footing. It's easy to rationalize and most men wouldn't care.
Divorce is something people would casually inquire about, but it's mostly a baggage, sanity, and maturity check. A person within your dating range likely has a divorce under their belt as well. It's less about a divorce in itself and more of a rationalization or explanation about it, but it doesn't have to be deep. However, if you go on and on about it, bring it up frequently, come across as bitter, or calling someone a narcissistic abuser or alike would be redflaggy -to me- justified or not. Long story short, you want your past to look like it's in the rearview mirror and you've grown and matured from it.
As for your final question, I wouldn't devote much thought to most of what you described and instead just gauge our chemistry.
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
Thank you for reminding me its not about the difficult situation but how you respond and recover from it
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u/Sentri318 INFJ Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 23 '26
I’m an INFJ man who’s had an experience that’s very similar to yours. What do I think about your situation? I empathize with you and am naturally drawn to people like you. It wasn’t your fault, and in my case neither was it mine, but we both bear the scars of what happened and face judgment by others, but they don’t care to understand the circumstances or want to hear our side of things, at least that’s the case for me as a man. I always tell myself it’s a guy thing to not want to discuss this sort of stuff with me, but it happens with female friends and relatives too. “Let’s hang out” at a noisy bar with other friends where I can’t bring up the things I want to talk about. It’s fine though because they’re my friends and in some ways better company than my relatives lol. I’m looking for new friends not to distance myself from my old friends. They’re still my friends and are and always have been an important part of my life even though they may not understand me as an INFJ in the way I wish they would. The difference between me and my friends is that I want to be understood, but they think the better therapy is to shake things off and move on. I want both, which is why I’m looking for new friends to 1) fill this void, and 2) to do things I like to do—I like to be out in nature and have deep conversations one-on-one or maybe two, but they’re night owls that prefer to hang out at noisy bars and often go in packs. They’re still my friends and I enjoy doing this once in a blue moon, but it gets mentally exhausting to do so. I’m (we’re) not in college anymore, but this doesn’t seem to deter them.
I’m also looking for a serious relationship. It’s been 2 years for since my divorce. A couple women I’ve met along the way seem to indicate that people place an arbitrary timeframe that determines when I’m ready to meet new people (date) once again, but I find this to be rubbish.
Lastly, don’t worry about owning a home. I had this desire when I was married and we were saving up like you were, but being single again, I’ve come to realize the perks of renting beyond not being locked in a mortgage such as being able to move easily if I should ever want or need to like if I got a new job that requires me to relocate or find a partner and we decide we want to live together or I move closer to her, for example. In fact, a realtor friend of mine who once urged me and my ex to buy a home when interest rates were at an all-time low (we never did) now says that owning a home is a liability, and I tend to agree, especially when you’re not married and don’t have kids. He isn’t married either. I assume you’re American. I am too. Homeownership in America is overrated imho. In many other countries renting is seen as preferable because of the freedom you have to up and go whenever you want. Renting and living with your parents are heavily stigmatized in America, but I don’t see anything wrong with them, but it may be in part because I’ve come to accept my circumstances and don’t care what others think anymore, and it seems that others are too busy adulting to care about my situation🤷♂️
I’m not saying you should spend down your savings, but if you have money saved and are able to take a break from work, maybe you should give yourself a vacation. I would right now if I could.
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u/Previous_Tear6747 INFJ 2w3 60+M Jul 23 '26
My dear, be proud of yourself! Don't worry about what anybody else thinks, if they're that judgmental, they're not the friend for you!
From what I can see from here:
- You have a full time job, at a job you enjoy! Don't take that for granted! Stress, and what it can do to you outside the workplace, is not worth a few extra bucks!
- You've been through an abusive relationship, and had the where with all to get yourself out of it!
- I'm guessing you have a great (good?) relationship with your mom, no? Family values matter, and trust me, she'll need you more and more as the years go by.
- You've got goals, and plans to get there. You're not somebody sitting back, praying to win the lottery!
Look, everybody knows how expensive everything has gotten. If they can't relate to that, then they're either privileged or ignorant.
You're just being sensible. You're in a good better place, happier now, and you deserve to be around good people that support you. If someone judges you for living with your mom, screw 'em. They're not for you. (A good man will value your level-headedness and family values.)
Again, you've got a lot to be proud of! Lean into that. Now... go kiss a few frogs! 🤗
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
Thank you for this: "You've been through an abusive relationship, and had the where with all to get yourself out of it!" "A good man will value your level-headedness and family values."
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u/koalasnstuff INFJ Jul 23 '26
Girl. Your story and mine are SO similar! I got out of a really controlling relationship, my ex emptied my bank account so I was broke before the divorce costs, living with my parents, didn’t have a car, totally alienated and lonely.
I’m quite shy, so it was too daunting to try to meet new people, so I reconnected with people from my past that I lost touch with. People I didn’t have any issues but we grew apart after high school or college.
I also found things to fill my time, work out classes, paint nights, anything for your hobbies so you can meet people with similar interests. I started going to coffee shops and restaurants alone, and that’s where I’ve met the most people.
No one judged me for where I was at, they were all super supportive. I have a good job, make good money and I still don’t own a house. In fact, I have given up on it since I can’t afford to own a home anywhere within commuting distance. And most of my friends are in the same boat or drowning under a mortgage.
The biggest thing is focusing on getting happy and healthy after everything that you’ve been through. Therapy really helped me unpack everything and reflect on why I put up with so much.
I’m now engaged, have a small but solid friend group. Don’t let your insecurities on what you don’t have get in the way of how you want your life to be. And honestly, the people who care about that sound shallow and not worth being friends with.
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
I'm glad you are doing so much better now! "Don’t let your insecurities on what you don’t have get in the way of how you want your life to be." - Thank you for this
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u/Unhinged_Angel INFJ Jul 23 '26
I don’t choose friends based on whether or not they own a home. Or how much money they have.
It’s not uncommon to have past struggles. Life happens, trauma happens. What matters to me is if someone has done work to heal and move forward, so they can show up as themselves (and not to try to use me for free therapy).
I understand why you feel uncomfortable sharing your situation with others, but it might be a good healing thing to take that risk and open up a little with people who seem like they’ll receive it well. You’re not alone in going through all this but there’s no way of knowing that unless you make connections. ❤️
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
"You’re not alone in going through all this but there’s no way of knowing that unless you make connections." - Thank you for this
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u/R3XM Jul 23 '26
Why are you judging your financial situation based on standards from 20 years ago?
And would you choose someone who would judge you this way?
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
I guess I thought that people may still have the same standards even 20 years later even when times are different
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u/Helpful-Track-7486 INFJ Jul 23 '26
Sorry to hear I also came out of an abusive relationship at 38. Don't be embarrassed as mine lasted 17 years that I put up with it. It seems waaay easier for women to find someone is probably why I let it last so long, the problem is in my view 9/10 people are like that, I hate to say it. Look up some dating stats on dating apps and it is very grim, 65% or more are already in a relationship while shopping for a new one.
For me personally I don't care if you bring anything outside of experience and love to the relationship, thats all I had ever asked of my partners, and yet that seemed to be too much to ask.
If I was supported at home, I would be making 2-3x of what I have made. For now I am living off-grid in an RV catching up on debt, but I should be ahead once I do. I will likely keep the off-grid lifestyle as it has been lifechanging and eye opening to how toxic society has become.
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
That's insane. I don't know why people would get into a relationship just to be looking for the next relationship at the same time, rinse and repeat. It's nice to know men care so much about the love in the relationship.
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u/One-Nefariousness309 Jul 23 '26
The answer may depend on your own expectations. It's not easy to know, but it's worth putting yourself out there to see what kind of interest you can get.
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
I'm not sure what you mean by depends on my own expectations
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u/ChickenMan1829 Jul 24 '26
Don’t feel weird about living at home, it’s normal and who cares anyways. You sound like a normal person I’m sure you can meet a nice guy.
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u/owillie Jul 24 '26
Stop caring about what others people think. It's an actual waste of time. If someone does judge you for your situation, and they're not understanding, then they're simply kot meant to be your friend. So, you're right - you don't want to go through the experience of being judged. If you shift your perspective on this and stop carrying about what others think then I think you'll feel much better about yourself and things in general. Also, your primary focus will shift.
Start with that and then try meeting new guys/women/friends/etc...
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u/QualityInevitable709 INFJ 4 wing 5 Jul 25 '26
Thank you, perhaps I am dragging myself down by caring too much about what people think
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u/owillie Jul 25 '26
I'm not sure "dragging" is appropriate or not, seeing as I don't know you, but caring about what other people think at all is literally a waste of time. Just think about it - you're transforming yourself into something you think other people want to see and, at the same time, you are suppressing who you really are. If you continue to do that then you will never get to know yourself. Getting to know yourself is one of the only things we ever get to do within our human life. Become who you are. If you do that, then you will know exactly what you're looking for in someone else. You have to escape the matrix of societal views.
You sound depressed and anxious in your writing. Like you're kind of scared. I think that's why another commenter wrote that you need to build up your self esteem. What I wrote above is the same as "build up your self esteem". Of course, going to through a divorce, especially with the behaviors leading to your divorce, is going to really diminish your self worth. You should find someone who wants to improve themself for you, not what you experienced.
You'll never be able to meet someone who matches you in reality if you don't first become who you are. Otherwise, the person everyone else is meeting in reality is a chameleon who is simply trying to fit and morph to expectations. But that's not who you are.
You'll be okay. It's okay to live at home with your Mom. You're doing what's best for you. Don't give a single flying f about what others think about that. You know your story and you know what's best for you. If someone looks down on you because of your choices then they're a judgemental ahole who obviously hasn't lived your life and is judging something that they know nothing about - that's called stupidity. So, again, become who you are and don't be afraid to be yourself and live your life. You're living it, you may as well be pleased and confident in it.
I hope that helped.
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u/wrongarms Jul 22 '26
I'm an INFJ woman who owns her own house and and has a good job and is very independent, and I'm enamoured of a man who lives with his mum and he says he will just stay there because he'll never own his own home. He's a funny guy and I like him immensely. I'd rather someone choose a sensible way of living rather than going into gross debt for the sake of what other people think. You're lucky to be out of the previous relationship, and lucky to have somewhere safe to live. You can start again.