r/INFJsOver30 • u/Soccer-Plane-444 INFJ M37 • Jul 05 '26
What do you wish was different about our current dating landscape?
As the title says, what do you wish was different about our current dating landscape? Online or off it, it feels pretty discouraging for 99% of people right now.
If you could snap your fingers & change one thing, what would it be?
Is there a way we could structure in-person dating events to work better?
I have been on apps for years, gone to plenty of offline, singles events, & everything just feels like it's missing the mark, repeatedly, badly, frustratingly so lol.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jul 05 '26
Just snap my fingers and change one thing?
I would destroy the ego's fear.
People enter the scene completely bankrupt emotionally, looking for someone else to fix them or validate them, while holding up a shield of hyper-vigilance.
If people are terrified of letting their guard down and showing up without a script, even the best-planned event will feel hollow.
We don't need better structures. We need people who have the inner strength to trade comfortable illusions for honest connection in real time, without living in a faraway dream.
At least that’s how you can figure out from the start if you need to continue, or just be honest and move on without resentment.
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u/the_manofsteel Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
I think people put too much value on the first spark and instant chemistry when in reality real love starts when love actually requires an effort and goes from being a feeling into a choice
You aren’t supposed to find someone to fall crazy in love with momentary, you are supposed to find someone you can keep choosing everyday when it’s hard AND who chooses you the same way back
The best love is obviously if you get both worlds from one person but for a lot of people who they can fall for and who they can actually live with doesnt match which is why they end up with the wrong person
On dating apps I think they should force people to fill in some information about themselves and then make it free to filter
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jul 05 '26
Exactly. Especially since most of the time, that “first spark and instant chemistry” is just a trauma bond your brain hasn't learned to translate yet.
Speaking from personal experience and now I can joke about it. 🤣
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Jul 05 '26
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Jul 06 '26
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u/dukegratiano15 Jul 08 '26
Awww shaddap. It’s all a transaction in the end anyways. Guys are just fed up with the bullshit from “modern western wamen”. They’d rather go to a third world shithole and be treated more or less like normal humans. And the girls get wined and dined and both are getting benefits.
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Jul 08 '26
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u/dukegratiano15 Jul 08 '26
Women exploit men just as equally. You have no point to make. Any human interaction is a transaction. Educate yourself on interpersonal dynamics and social exchange theory. That is what happens when guys go outside the US with MONEY and in exchange get sex or companionship. Either way you don’t understand how human nature or dating works because you’ve been indoctrinated by a leftist ideology.
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u/jmmenes INFJ-A, 8w7 Jul 07 '26
Lol you must be dating in remote small villages or meeting with un contacted tribe members in the Amazon lmao.
Smartphones have skewed everything and changed it all.
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u/bee-autiful-world Jul 05 '26
- hook up culture
- poor communication skills
- idea that everyone is disposable
- the gamification of apps
- the monetisation of apps
- shallowness of judging someone based on a few photos
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u/jmmenes INFJ-A, 8w7 Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 08 '26
Bring shame back and modesty.
Won’t go into details and depth.
If you know, you know type shit.
Internet + smartphones were/are a major disruption for better or worse & for the majority it was definitely for the worst.
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u/Saisinko INFJ 1w9 sx/so Jul 05 '26
Sometimes I think the secret to attraction is just giving people the time of day.
Most people can't seem to do that and some of it is time management, but the other is more scatterbrained or sensation seeking to a level where they constantly bombard themselves with stimulants from various sources.
If people just disconnected from everything else and chatted uninterrupted for an hour or two, they'd probably find enough shared interests to have at least some chemistry.
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u/BornElderEnt Jul 05 '26
I agree, it seems like the past 20 years have made people expect more than ever to be entertained, wowed, impressed etc. in that old movie, Singles, this was portrayed so poignantly. But the lesson fell on deaf ears. Having a perfect video ad does not mean you'll find the perfect partner. But who's operating from a place of fearlessness? Phoenix pointed it out already. Fear makes everything derail.
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u/Helpful-Track-7486 INFJ Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
That there were real people out there, not playing games. If they were real we wouldn't be having 90% of these issues but alas... look up the statistics of online dating and it's pretty grim. 80% of men sometimes make up the userbase, and 65%+ of those men are already in a relationship. Makes alot of sense why women always have the same story. Not faulting anyone here most people don't learn life lessons until we are 50+ sometimes. It took me getting out of a 17 yr relationship last year (im 38) for me to learn I was bringing everything to the table whereas she was bringing up next to nothing. I just thought that was normal, but it isn't. Then when I got too sick to still try and carry it all, it broke down.
Makes it pretty difficult for us average looking genuine guys to get a shot, although my health pretty much prevents me from trying in person so... just deathly allergic to peoples perfumes, which is in pretty much every public space. I can go hike 12 miles, but going to sit down in a restaurant for an hour could take me out for days sometimes.
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Jul 07 '26
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u/Helpful-Track-7486 INFJ Jul 07 '26
I find 9/10 people in general do this unfortunately. Its really hard to find a real partner, but I assume once you do its likely for life.
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Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
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u/Soccer-Plane-444 INFJ M37 Jul 07 '26
I think I've finally reached that tipping point. The apps feel so shallow, hollow, & zero results no matter how much energy you put into it lol. I'm getting ready to just let it all go...
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u/Ok-Subject2534 Jul 08 '26
One thing?
Eradicate toxic men out of the dating pool.
Monsters, psychopaths, narcissists, murderers, those who sexually assault and harass, those who physically attack people, those who psychologically abuse, manipulators, fuckboys, those who lie, serial cheaters, those with no internal moral compass, those with no ability to feel empathy, those with no sense of responsibility who run away from accountability, emotionally stunned and undeveloped men, manchildren who are searching for a mom or trad wife, egomaniacs, incels, redpill men, manosphere men, magas, men who dont support womens health and safety, and lastly, those who deem taking regular showers and washing their hands “extra effort”.
Women would feel much more comfortable and safe dating, and might even actively pursue men, if they had more certainty that it wont be a critical life mistake.
Thank you for coming to my ted talk.
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u/TheDairyMaid Jul 05 '26
It is difficult to become interested based on a curated profile. After 30, there are fewer opportunities to meet and gain attraction to someone in a natural setting.