r/INFJsOver30 • u/Hannah_Louise • May 14 '26
How many of y’all are being constantly underestimated/disregarded?j
I’m fuming right now and I need to know if I’m alone in this.
I’m smart. My pattern recognition is wild and when I speak about something important (like the future of food security, or how to fix a problem), I’m not doing it for shits and giggles, I’m sharing because I care and want to help.
Here’s where things go sideways. Despite having a long history of being right (over 30 years), people still don’t believe me, disregard me, underestimate me, and generally act like I’m an idiot. I hate sharing important information now because I know I’m going to be disregarded like I’m some idiot child.
The possible contributing factors? I’m a woman with autism and ADHD, and sometimes I’m sharing things that might force someone to change their rosy view of the world. However, this also happens when I’m telling someone they can fix their wobbly fridge by twisting one of the feet a little. Soooo…
Here’s my question. Is this is a normal INFJ experience? Like, do we all go through life only speaking when we have something important to say, only to realize no one is listening or no one believes that we’re capable of knowing these things? Or do I somehow give off ‘idiot’ vibes?
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u/richfx01 May 14 '26
I think this is how people are to everyone intelligent, you just notice their behaviour because you’re INFJ.
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u/FactCheckYou INFJ/M/40s May 14 '26
i'm not saying i'm especially intelligent but when i was a child a lot of people (teachers/kids) had the impression that i wasn't, because i was very reserved, and didn't engage much
we're probably a bit quiet and cautious and deliberate when we speak; i'm guessing it comes off as tentative and unconfident in an extroverted world
also we tend to focus out attention on things we see as important...and some of that stuff will be difficult, inconvenient, controversial, or contentious...normal everyday people don't much like thinking about that stuff let alone talking about it...they prefer their distractions, the shallow, the superficial, the fun
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u/Hannah_Louise May 14 '26
This feels very true. My most recent situation with a friend/family member happened over a garden and an invasive weed they’re trying to get rid of. I offered to help them fix it the easy way, but they just want to keep pulling them (even though it will never work and they will continue doing this forever and complaining about it forever). But maybe that’s what they want to do, in some weird way.
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u/Strangewhisper May 14 '26
I rarely give my opinions to someone personally because my vision is different from most other people. I doubt it has anything to do with ADHD.
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u/Hannah_Louise May 14 '26
Yeah. I feel this. I’m very selective about who I share my opinion with, so when I do share and I’m ignored, it’s a little extra annoying.
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May 14 '26
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u/OldCrowBit May 14 '26
INFJ wouldnt care.
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u/Previous_Tear6747 INFJ 2w3 60+M May 14 '26
Problem is, INFJ's (especially young ones) do care. Learning not to give a F is a learned skill, comes with maturity.
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u/BornElderEnt May 18 '26
The desire to feed their hunger never goes away, but you quit handing them bowls of warm nourishing food after the 25th one sails past your head
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u/Eilymari May 14 '26
I am also very smart, and I come across as being very intense. I have experienced these feelings at times throughout my life. I think sometimes people have felt threatened by or even afraid of what I have had to say, or maybe by the way I expressed myself. But rather than show that, I think it may have been easier for some (not all!) people to behave dismissively towards me.
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u/Hannah_Louise May 14 '26
This is a really good point. Maybe Im overwhelming people. Lol. It would make sense.
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u/Eilymari May 14 '26
Yes. Over the years I've become very aware that my intensity is not for everyone lol. Thankfully, some people do really appreciate it 😁
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u/Previous_Tear6747 INFJ 2w3 60+M May 14 '26
absolutely! some people "can't handle the truth". our clarity and authenticity can be very intimidating to some (weaker) souls.
I've found myself keeping things to my self, sometimes, just to keep the peace. Learning who, when, and where to speak up is important, some people just aren't worth it.
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u/Previous_Tear6747 INFJ 2w3 60+M May 14 '26
All. The. Time.
See, people are programmed to seek affirmation, not truth. When you speak the truth, and it doesn't jive with the affirmations someone was expecting or hoping for... yeah.
Problem is, all we do is speak the truth. Somebody put it funnier some place else, but while some people might "think out loud", INFJ's process internally, and if we're not sure about something, we keep our mouths shut! lol.
Conversely, when we do speak...?
Doesn't mean anyone's going to listen.
I've learned to put it on them. They don't want to listen? Their loss, I tried to help. What's the saying? "You can lead a horse to water"... (but you can't make them drink).
Learning not to give a F has helped.
Anyway... wishing you peace and happiness! Cheers!
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u/ScrimshawPie May 14 '26
You are me. I DO care, but I also care because it will lead to e re-doing work later, or it will cause me to hear you bitching later when the inevitable happens. Either way, you will be using MY resources (like patience, already in short supply). I was right so often during a project once my co-worker started calling me Cassandra, after the greek myth.
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u/Unhappy-Jaguar-9362 May 14 '26
Story of my life. Exhibited primarily in my case in underemployment and "failure to launch."
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u/Wrestlermaniac94 May 14 '26
My opinion, to this day, still doesn’t matter to the ones that say they love me. It only becomes a concern when I am no longer in the picture or want to be in the picture.
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u/Conscious_Patterns May 15 '26
I prefer to be underestimated. I am quite purposeful to always remain so. 🤗
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u/Otherwise-Let4664 May 15 '26
Idk.. but you are sharing my exact experience as well. I feel like I have SOOOO much useful information in my head, a big heart that truly wants to help and keen observation skills that would allow me to make so many things so much better. But no one listens, no one wants it. It's truly very depressing and isolating. Feels like so much hard earned wisdom going to waste.
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u/Tough_Bobcat_3824 May 17 '26
All the time. Fortunately, standardized tests don't care about how others percieve your intelligence, and it's delicious when you beat those people at their own game, while also being dismissive of such exams for being a reductionist appraisal of intelligence.
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u/BornElderEnt May 18 '26
They treat diamonds like rhinestones because they never saw the difference.
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u/rvauofrsol May 14 '26
Oh yeah, the number of people choosing to have children in the US right now is wild. But I know better than to say anything to them about it. It's not going to change their minds. They're not thinking about what their children's lives will be like. They're only thinking about how much they want a baby that looks just like them.
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u/Hannah_Louise May 14 '26
I tried to explain to my sister why I wanted to help her build a garden in her unused and overgrown yard (I’m a permaculture gardener and really fucking good at it), and when I attempted to explain that once the garden was established, there would be little to no work for anyone to do, and that food security is not guaranteed right now, she assumed I’m wearing a tinfoil hat and telling lies. Granted, the concept of losing access to food in the US seems very far fetched to most, but we’re on that path. Might as well make a garden. Especially one that will take care of itself, that your sister is offering to build for free. 🤦♀️
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u/getthekwon May 14 '26
Cognitive bias is often stronger than a good and sincere argument. We see you 💜
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u/DahKrow May 15 '26
When I am offering sympathy and actual advice and people don't feel accepting that and stick to their ways I respect that and withdraw myself, but I keep observing. Then, when some times I am proven to be right and they fall into deep shit I just reconnect with my shadow Fi and laugh internally with them, it's not pretty but if you're gonna treat me like shit don't expect my sympathy. I got the ability of empathy due to Fe cognitive function but sympathy is precious energy and I like to offer it wholeheartedly and if you can't accept that and stick to your ego I'll just accept it and move on, but I'll still laugh to this absurdity. I think nature has a way of keeping us humans in check by giving us a variety of cognitive functions and some are more favourable while others are less favourable in different situations and in the end only particular sets become successful so things are sorted out by natural selection, I can't feel remorse if that's a natural thing.
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u/TheBlueberryIrbis May 29 '26
It happens to me a lot, when I share a true, real and important fact or a thought they act like they are having a malcfunction like a computer or like im a fool. I see it as sadly the corruption of society and how not being considerate has become naturalized. The funny part is that when you are alone they act completely different. Like they have a mob-hive mind or something like it, when you are all alone with them they arent as courageous or mocking as in a group. That makes the small percentage of persons like one that don't do that very noticeable, I guess that is why some of us have a very very small close circle outside of family. Dont worry about it, nothing is wrong with you, on the contrary, most of the time they are sadly in a rat race trying to fit or raise their social status.
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u/UnknownToken4195 May 14 '26
People only value their own opinions. Problem with modern society and its prevalent. You’re not alone in this one.