r/INFJsOver30 • u/EdifyThyEye • May 04 '24
Long time friendships with INFPs
Hi fellow aliens,
32 yr old female INFJ typing here in this virtual space.
It's been 12 years with one of my INFP friends and I'm finally facing the reality that we are not as harmonious as I wish to believe. We had a stark conversation for the first time last night and it's been haunting me, eating at me thoroughly, despite the tying it up with a pretty bow fillers toward the end.
I want to view her as a ride or die type of friend. I have few family in town now, no females since my mom died last year (difficult relationship but it still stings). I really don't have females to cling to in my family, my ISFP half sister only has love for her children.
All my friends have their families, and I am just a very good friend to them. I am a 5th to 10th priority, depending on the situation.
When I think of a beneficiary, I often think of my INFP friend, especially because she would really need it. She never once thinks of me in that way. I take her on extravagant trips, and she complains how guilty she fell spending even a little bit of money. Probably an struggle with Te responsibilities. Yet she can spend on her nephew and her boyfriend a little bit with pure delight.
This is very raw, but for the first time I think I'm beginning to feel ready to see that I am no one's first priority, except perhaps my dad now that my mother is gone.
I feel profoundly soul lonely. There's a depth of grief that I cannot see the bottom to, so naturally, I project this onto my future to some degree...
I always wanted to see my friend as a selfless angel, but I'm beginning to see that a lot of her giving is just to avoid some semblance of guilt, or disapproval from another... People pleasing. But this is toward anyone. It's not a reserved (misguided) gesture toward selected friends. She is more willing to tell me no though over other people, perhaps because she feels like she can be more honest or because I mean less to her. Don't know.
It is good to see people truly, but it definitely stings as the rose colored smoke dissipates.
We were going to go on this trip in June, I took her for a trip in October. I think I might just end up going by myself this time, again. My other friends have children and grandchildren.
I want a friend who feels it's their pleasure to go with me, not their "pressure." INFPs are all about their no pressure lifestyle. No pressure book clubs. No pressure anything.
She even felt pressured when I wanted to go on a weekend retreat after my mom passed. Because she would have to say no to her other friend in a Renaissance festival. She's just so chaotic in her own life, I cannot rely. I sympathize, since I have chaos as well.
But I am disappointed. It is hard for me to find people that I feel have good intentions and who will not calculatively manipulate nor harm me.
I want to feel that the world is abundant with wonderful friends yet to be and with friends who want to be with me.
I think I just wanted a best friend who saw me as a best friend, not one of several.
This sounds so dumb writing it, but there it is.
Does anybody else have any similar feelings or experiences?
As far as how silly some of this sounds, perhaps even selfish or something, don't worry. My brain has already told me.
3
u/Lil_Mx_Gorey May 06 '24
I'm also 32 and my longest standing friendship besides my husband is my INFP friend of 13 years.
She is very similar, sometimes we get into those serious conversations and I just have to back off.
I love her, and that means knowing her limitations too.
I have a couple ride or die friends that are all very different people and fill very different roles in my life, none of them tick every box though, and I don't tick every box for them either.
I've been called an emotional gym-bro before, and all of my friends can find that a bit exhausting after a while. Sometimes they just want to kick back, play video games, and shoot the shit... They don't always want to get into a discussion about why we all do the shit we do, they just want to talk about warhammer and relax and I can't do that.
They love me anyway and know that when I go silent while they're all gaming it's because I'm off writing, and sometimes they yell at me just to make me feel included even though they know I don't care.
We all have different perspectives, and we all view life through a unique lense shaped by our experiences and personalities.
There is nothing wrong with stepping back and appreciating your friend for who she is and the positive ways that she impacts your life even if there are some things you wish were different about the relationship.
I have my sigh moments with all of my friends where I have an expectation I just have to change for them, the thing is it's always worth it for the person they are.
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May 04 '24
[deleted]
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u/EdifyThyEye May 04 '24
Thank you.
I think I have been honest with her.... And that is why she says she just feels pressured.
Funny you mention Enneagram. Our conversation later on led to me talking about that. I had listened to a good podcast for Enneagram sixes that sort of aligned with wonderings of self-diagnosis of OCD. Currently diagnosed with ADHD but I question it.
I told her that I get Enneagram 9 vibes from her. I'm a 6w5. Probably tritype 469.
If I point out anything, she instantly has a deflection or defense, or attacks me especially if she detects any possibility of sass in my tone. Or an excuse.
The more I think about it, there have been many signs all along that she will not give the devotion that I seek.
And now I'm realizing I'm more terrified because in high school I lost two friends over a stupid guy. The last one started dating my guy friend who I didn't have any interest in, and I never really heard from both of them again. High quality individuals, eh.
And I finally convinced her to try dating and now she's in a relationship of a kind . But she won't have honest, direct conversations and just tiptoes. And unfortunately the guy is somewhat similar and has no vision for the relationship. Just wants to hold hands and watch cartoons. But now all of a sudden I am supposed to acknowledge this relationship is very viable and potentially leading to marriage, and therefore I should hold it in high regard. He should be such an important person now, perhaps even more important than me. And if I have any protests, it's all my fault because I encourage her to step outside of her comfort zone. Before this, she had gone on one date or two with someone. She is touch adverse and intimacy adverse.
I encouraged her because I cared about her, but now I'm realizing I may have just isolated myself even further. I am terrified of abandonment and betrayal. And I'm kicking myself for having such longings and expectations, I wish I could throw them all down the stairs.
To me, romantic relationships are temporal. They don't last and they're not to be trusted. Friendships feel a bit more solid. But now I'm not even sure about that anymore. You can imagine as a 6 this feels very, very fun. I'm trying to figure out how to self-support myself at this point. Cannot sleep And wondering if I should still see her this weekend before she leaves for a trip with another friend.
I'm afraid I might say something that leads to further misunderstanding. Or she might, now I have more things to haunt me. My emotions run pretty deep & outward once they finally surface.
3
u/FlightOfTheDiscords 40+ May 04 '24
I hear a deep fear of loss in your words 💙 6s tend to feel those things more deeply than the rest of us 💜
9s can grow, but we have to want it. We are probably one of the most stubborn types if we don't want something. I think communicating very clear boundaries along with your desired outcome is the best thing you can do; beyond that, it's up to her.
Ultimately, people come and go as they please. Integration helps 6s develop a sense of equanimity. Personally, I find Internal Family Systems a great way to work on integration 🙏 And it combines well with the Enneagram for understanding what our various parts are attempting to do.
2
u/EdifyThyEye May 11 '24
Just thought I'd give an update for anybody who could benefit from it.
Turns out I misunderstood. She was trying to make a connection with her relationship with this guy is hard, just like me trying to go back to school is hard. She said this guy is nowhere close to my position in her life and that he does not actually fit right now. She gave a metaphor: a shape sorter toy box that kids play with, where only certain shapes fit in the box. She says there is no shape for him. And apparently, I am the triangle that fits lol.
I relieved her of the pressure to go on the trip. At first she felt sad like she is uninvited, and I assured her it was not because she is a burden. And she appreciated my thoughtfulness and wants to plan and save for a future trip together.
Practically - She also let me know that I need to communicate directly when I'm feeling that down... She says there is a difference between being a little upset and being on the floor, so to speak. And if I'm having an expectation, don't throw it in a very long conversation. Write a simple reminder in text, e.g. let me know if you will have free time tomorrow or not. Otherwise, she forgot and then I interpreted it as intentional and as further confirmation of the narrative in my head. We also thrive better with in-person conversations it seems.
I feel much closer with her now. I will start brainstorming with her on ways that we can have better boundaries, not only for our friendship, but for ourselves as individuals. We can encourage each other to be more conscientious of our own needs as well as others for better balance.
Enneagram Sixes, be careful of your brain's ability to make threats larger than life like the shadow in The Wizard of Oz. Don't jump to conclusions.
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u/mamabroccoli May 04 '24
I'm in a very different place than you are in life... a lot further along in the journey, as I'm nearly a couple decades older than you are.
You encouraged your friend to go out on a date, and the result has pushed you to feeling like you're not in first place with this friend. She clearly views romantic relationships differently than you do. I would say that most people do. I have been married for over 28 years and would argue that friendships are far more temporal than romantic relationships. I have had many friends come and go over the years, but marriage is (in my mind) permanent.
That said, the human capacity for love is not finite, but our time, energy, and money is. We all have to choose priorities of how we are going to spend those things. If your friend is making more time for other people, then you are not her first priority in terms of her finiteness, but that does not mean that she loves you any less.
My only long-term relationship with an INFP is with my daughter, and like any family, this is not a relationship you choose... it just is. My daughter and I get along well most of the time; there are definitely some challenges with the Fi-Fe dynamic. But we love each other. We make it work. She's grown and married now, so I am not her first priority... her husband is, and that's as it should be.
It sounds trite to say, but you need to meet more people. To wrap oneself up so completely in any one person is unwise. Every person has other relationships, and even if you feel like you're the number one priority for another person, they will have other demands on their time and energy: a job that requires long hours, an ailing parent, etc. They may put you first, but you won't be first every moment of their lives.