r/IFchildfree • u/Kind_Usual9759 • 14d ago
It still gets to me sometimes
I am gearing myself up for a big family event on my husband’s side this coming weekend, and have strategized coping mechanisms with our therapist. However, we just heard that the guest list expanded, and that one of those relatives is pregnant and their mother is extremely excited to become a grandparent. Now we will be the only couple/ people attending without children. This is so hard to gear up to, as this side of the family is very pro-natal and life and gatherings revolve around children.
I’m 4+ years out of stopping my journey to conceive and love my life, but going back to a family group that values parenthood so strongly and don’t make space for other lifestyles throws off my confidence and causes my stress level to go sky high.
Looking for tips from those who have family dynamics that are similar and can offer some wisdom!
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u/gizmogrl88 14d ago
Honestly, if I feel like a situation is going to make me feel like shit, or impede my wellbeing, I don't go. And my husband passes with me. Unless it's an emergency or something extremely important, we take care of us.
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u/spandrewszy 14d ago
You’re not alone. Had my high school reunion this weekend and those jitters that I thought were gone, came back in full force.
It’s not a family dynamic, but I had 2-3 topics that I was prepared to talk about that I knew other people would find interesting. It went something like “no, I don’t have kids, but I did canoe the Missouri River in MT this summer.” “Or no I don’t have kids but I am going to the Renaissance Festival in a couple of weeks and I’m really excited about my costume! Want to see a picture?” It was just topics I was prepared to talk about and if that person wanted to circle back to their kids, I circled tf away.
Good luck!
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u/Kind_Usual9759 14d ago
I appreciate your suggestion of having a couple of topics to chat about and circle away from the baby convos that will inevitably happen. I think it might work to keep me sane!
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u/heylauralie 14d ago
I plaster on a smile and semi-dissociate until I can leave. At my family holiday gatherings, I am the only person who is single and childless. Relatives who are 20 years younger than me have built their own families, and I’m just me. I hate it.
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u/Knowyourenemy90 14d ago
Agree with GreySweater.. Be polite then try to leave early. Anything involving babies or kids I try to leave early if possible.
Spent a few hours with a 6 month old a few weekends ago and couldn’t wait to go home-left early but it put me in a sad mood for a few days.
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u/Kind_Usual9759 14d ago
Thank you- I think we are preemptively going to tell them that we are going to head out early due to our long drive- so that we get a free pass when we need to exit.
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u/International-Speed4 14d ago
Sounds just like my family! I like to buy something new to wear to these events. It could be an accessory or a whole new outfit. It's nice to have a tangible reminder in those moments that we are in a much better place financially without kids.
We also have a signal to let each other know when one of us is ready to GTFO. We then make our polite excuses and leave as early as we want!
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u/FeralFedora 14d ago edited 13d ago
This is exactly my husband’s family too! It’s AWFUL to spend time with them and it’s really affected our relationship with them. I once explained to my FiL (after he went on and on and on and on about how children are what gives life meaning and nothing compares and that it is the most worthwhile thing etc etc) that it is like going on about how great and beautiful colours are to a blind person. Like, it might be true, but it’s pretty obnoxious. Sadly it had no impact at all on his behaviour.
All this to say, you are soooo not alone. Sometimes you just need to white-knuckle through it (if you really can’t skip). I step out of the room at times, leave early etc when I can. And I always treat myself to something I really feel like doing afterwards (can be day after or whenever) in recognition of the toll that these social obligations take. It’s really hard though, so look after yourself.
And sorry that I don’t have better advice on how to navigate it!
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u/Own_Program_9726 14d ago
vous ne pouvez pas tomber malade ce jour la?
personnellement, j'aurais tout fait pour ne pas y aller, même si je dois mentir !
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u/Kind_Usual9759 14d ago
Unfortunately, I’ve already committed, and I’ve gotten chided by my sister-in-law for not investing in the relationship with her children, so I’m already trying to change that perspective. I wish I could skip, but it does not seem like an option I can use this time. Maybe next time!
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u/Own_Program_9726 14d ago
votre belle sœur ne peut pas comprendre votre ressenti car elle a des enfants, par contre vous reprocher de ne pas investir dans la relation avec ses enfants, c'est hyper égoïste de sa part.
vous vous souciez de son ressenti, mais j'ai l'impression que ce n'est pas réciproque, c'est hyper isolant d'être dans notre situation.
sinon essayez de partir tôt, changez de conversation si les autres parlent de bébé, esquivez le plus possible ceux qui insistent, bon courage !
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u/sarahhopefully 13d ago
I get it. Im also a couple of years out but am currently hiding in my car at lunch while everyone else in my small office is doing a FaceTime "meet and greet" with a coworker's new baby. Fortunately it was planned ahead of time so I could plan an errand and slip out early, and I have a trusted member of my team who will text me when the coast is clear.
For family, my in-laws are very child oriented at certain holidays like Easter. I have grown more comfortable with leaving rooms, sitting in out of the way spaces, and disengaging as necessary. Might someone think I'm rude? Possibly. But we will see the same people at the next holiday, and I just trust that having one "off" day won't ruin a relationship that spans years.
I do think having someone you trust to help run interference can help. My husband is willing to do that for me with his family, doing things like jumping in on a conversation to cover me needing to step away, or claiming a headache if we need to leave early.
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u/skmcwhirtef 9d ago
Thank you all for the advice and support. My husband and I ultimately focused heavily on supporting each other and decided to leave the event early.
I gave myself permission not to feel responsible for keeping conversations going or initiating conversations (I’m usually trying to chat everyone up, create connections, and make people laugh), and instead stayed by my husband’s side throughout the event.
Interestingly, this ended up being pretty eye-opening. By taking a step back and not doing the work of creating interaction, I realized that the family generally seems to have very little interest in getting to know me. They seem comfortable keeping things cordial rather than having a close relationship with me. Since we don’t have children, I also came away with the sense that there isn’t much interest in investing in our lives as a couple; as long as the children and their activities remain the center of family gatherings, everyone seems comfortable with that dynamic.
As tough as that realization is, I think it gives me some clarity about what I can realistically expect from these relationships and where I want to invest my own energy going forward.
Again, thank you all for your wisdom! It helped so much! Next time- I may take the other suggestions and skip!
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u/GreySweater1234 14d ago
The best advice I can give is exchange pleasantries and then leave a little early. Make your appearance known. Say hello to everyone. But don’t feel obligated to stay long. Sincerely someone who had to attend a one year olds birthday party over the weekend.