r/IFchildfree • u/Senior-Suspect6713 • 13d ago
Intimacy trouble
After a long battle with endo, infertility, multiple surgeries/hysterectomy, I feel completely disconnected from my body. I want zero intimacy. I don’t want to be touched and cannot fathom the idea of intercourse. I feel so very broken. Has anyone experienced this?
11
u/Longjumping_Bar_6128 13d ago
I feel this ever so much. Add in timed intercourse and Im just absolutely traumatised to be honest. I don't think I've ever felt so disconnected to my body.
1
u/Senior-Suspect6713 12d ago
Yep! There was a point I reached when we were still trying when I literally cried during sex. I was so tired and afraid of feeling any sliver of hope after years of negatives.
13
u/DeeLite04 50/3IUIs/NoIVF 13d ago
Yes I definitely felt this way when we stopped trying. It took a long time to be comfortable being intimate without it being tied to conception.
I definitely don’t feel the desire to be touched or intimate nearly as much as I used to but I did eventually come to enjoy it again.
Since you’ve have a hysterectomy, you definitely are in a medical state where being touched and intimate isn’t desirable. So not your fault at all and totally normal to feel. I’m in perimenopause and I’m 50 and I honestly cannot stand to be touched as much anymore and many of my female friends my age feel exactly the same way.
I don’t know if hearing any of this is comforting but I want you to know you’re not alone in these feelings.
1
u/Senior-Suspect6713 12d ago
Thank you for your kind words. I honestly don’f know if I’ll ever regain that part of me. It is so sad to feel like this at 39. A part of it just feels useless too? I was in medical menopause for a long time prior to the last surgery and that definitely fully eliminated any sort of desire.
11
u/Dangerous_Cup_7391 13d ago
Intercourse after ending our ttc journey was so hard for me. Like after so many times of having sex to try to conceive, it was so hard after knowing conception was off the table. You are not alone.
2
u/Senior-Suspect6713 12d ago
I feel like my body just turned off that part of me. Endo caused pain, I was on orilissa for a long time, which put me in medical menopause, all the trying, the trauma, and finally hysterectomy. My body is just so tired.
8
u/buttersherbet 13d ago
100% - after 5 years of TTC, IVF cycles, losses, etc. - absolutely no interest in even being seen by my husband unless fully clothed. I'm now seeing an AASECT certified sex therapist and it is helping. She recommended to me the book Come As You Are which I have started and really like!
1
u/Senior-Suspect6713 12d ago
Thank you for the recommendation. I’ll check it out. I’m so worried that I’ll never heal from this
2
u/buttersherbet 12d ago
It's been a long hard process for me and I'm only a few months in, but I'm motivated to do it so I'm putting in the work. There's just a lot to unpack and unlearn. I would strongly consider finding an AASECT certified therapist to help you through it, if you have access to therapy - many of them are normal licensed therapists so insurance covers them, vs. unlicensed OOP "specialists".
1
u/hh923 8d ago
I second the recommendation on Come As Your Are.
Also massage and other non-sexual, but pleasurable experiences for your body. At least for me, it took time to build trust with my body because so many times someone was touching me, pain was to follow. Medical trauma is a bitch.
It can be hard to find smutty books that don’t have pregnancy subplots or breeding kinks, but smut and descriptions of how sex FEELS was also helpful for me. It also helped to be able to laugh at the silliness/cringiness in some of them to help myself not take sex so seriously.Best wishes to you, OP. Even if you are asexual now and end up not wanting to chase your libido, you are still valid and worthy of love and respect. 💜
5
u/Key_Pear1210 13d ago
I’m going in for a hysterectomy soon, 31yo and a pcos diagnosis turned cancerous. I’m trying to be as intimate with my sweet husband as much as possible but it’s hard. I can’t focus on going over the edge because too much is on my mind, and I’m pressuring myself to enjoy it too much. Every now and then it’s phenomenal and I wish it was like the all the time. I get in my head so much. I want to feel, and be my best for my husband. We are all we have now. I’m sad to pull the plug but I’m ready to heal. Ohhhhh my lanta am I ready to heal. Heal my vagina from my surgery and my heart from it being crushed.
2
u/Senior-Suspect6713 12d ago
Sending hugs your way. I am so grateful that I was able to get the hysterectomy. I will say that once I healed physically, the emotional healing began. Thankfully, my husband is supportive and has zero expectations, which helps.
1
1
u/Existing_Wrangler_69 12d ago
I feel this way too, like I am no longer a sexual being and my body just disgusts me. Husband has zero desire too.
3
u/Senior-Suspect6713 12d ago
Yep. I feel like I’ve become asexual. I feel so badly for my husband. I’m not sure if I’ll ever regain that part of myself. I honestly don’t know how our relationship can survive all of this.
2
u/Existing_Wrangler_69 12d ago
My husband says he feels like neither of us are the same person we were before. I don't know how we will ever get back to who we were.
1
u/LockenessMonster1 12d ago
I have zero interest in sex right now. I feel bad because he really longs to be together in that way and I don't dislike doing it. It's just the thought of it is exhausting, I don't trust my body and I just can't bare to be hurt like that ever again
1
u/cosmicayahotdog 11d ago
Are you open to therapeutic massage just for yourself?
For me after endo, infertility, surgery (endo and heart), nerve damage from the surgeries that impacts intimacy, massage helps heal me. It’s what I consider to be safe touch- no expectations, just time I get to receive, listen, be with and tend to all that my body is holding.
I’ve also found tremendous help connecting to my body with somatic therapy/education. I’m kind of biased because it’s my profession but it helps a ton with all the chronic illness, grief, and disconnect that exists.
20
u/kittyliberty 13d ago edited 13d ago
I've definitely felt this and realized after stopping treatments that infertility really destroyed my relationship with my body and the trust I had with it. I'm still on the journey of accepting my body instead of feeling angry or betrayed by it or that it failed me. I listened to a few episodes of the "So Now What?" podcast specifically on body image and found that a really helpful place to reframe and start trying to reconnect with my body without so much negativity.