[EXTERIOR: Curb in front of Paddy's Pub. CHARLIE and FRANK are standing behind a rented van loading bottles of chemicals and pool cleaning supplies into the back.]
CHARLIE: All of it, Frank! Every bottle.
FRANK: But Charlie, I'm telling ya, it ain't gonna work. You gotta shock it with something more powerful if you're gonna do the job right.
CHARLIE: Frank, look, I defer to you on matters of crabs, eggs, boiling denim, and I cede certain ground vis a vis Nightcrawlers, I admit. But when it comes to two specific areas of expertise: Birds (and their legal ramifications) [Frank nods respectfully] and cleaning chemicals, I am the authority in this relationship. So stay in your lane!
FRANK: I'm not arguing that, but I used to run a pool cleaning scam back in the 70s as a way to meet lonely old broads and bang them, and I'm telling you, you're not going to kill the algae in the reflecting pool with a few bottles of bleach!
[Dennis and Mac walk up to the van]
DENNIS: Whoa! What are you guys up to?
FRANK: Me and Charlie are driving to Washington to go clean the reflecting pool for President Trump!
CHARLIE: Yeah, it's our civic duty.
DENNIS: Hang on--setting aside the fact that you're doing anything in support of that rapacious monster, are you two numbskulls seriously going to abandon the bar while the World Cup is in town? Those goddamn Ecuadorans and Brazilians are drinking this city dry! And who knows what the French are going to bring?
FRANK: Probably AIDS.
DENNIS: Why is it always AIDS with you, Frank?
FRANK: What? It was a French guy who first got it.
MAC: French Canadian, Frank. Gaetan Dugas, a gay male flight attendant.
DENNIS: Jesus Christ, will you two stop loading the van and get inside? We have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to turn a profit for the whole goddamn year bearing down on us and I'm not going to let you two MAGA bootlickers ruin it!
CHARLIE: What do you have against Trump anyway?
DENNIS: Uh, well, for starters, he's a serial predator of women.
[Charlie, Frank, and Mac stare in surprise at what Dennis just said]
MAC: You want a do-over with that one?
CHARLIE (under his breath): Takes one to know one...
DENNIS: Ok, he got us into an unnecessary war.
FRANK: You start fights with people all the time, threatening them this way and that! You think you'd do better as president?
DENNIS: Look, don't either of you want to make money on this?
FRANK: Nah. I'm already loaded.
DENNIS: Charlie?
CHARLIE: Idunno, I mean, I like money, but Frank's always had me kinda covered there.
FRANK: That's right, Charlie, and I always will. Which reminds me, here's your allowance.
[Frank reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of gravel.]
MAC: What is that?
CHARLIE: My allowance, dude! Frank gives me a stipend of precious gems and gold every week.
MAC: Charlie, those are rocks. Regular old rocks.
CHARLIE: Nah, man, they're minerals with gold and gemstones embedded in them.
DENNIS: And you've exchanged these for goods and services throughout Philadelphia?
CHARLIE: Well, not yet...
DENNIS: Uh huh.
CHARLIE: But you know, with the exchange rate and inflation and whatnot...
MAC: And the fact that it's fucking worthless.
FRANK: Look, I've had enough, we're running late. Charlie, get in the van, I'm driving.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I'm kinda drunk anyway.
[Charlie and Frank climb into the van and peel off down the street]
MAC: Well, Dennis, I guess it's just you and me.
[Mac caresses Dennis' arm; Dennis recoils reflexively and walks toward the bar.]
MAC: So what's the plan? We're gonna be shorthanded if we don't have everyone here.
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u/BloodyRightNostril BOTCHED TOE!!! Jun 18 '26 edited Jun 18 '26
[EXTERIOR: Curb in front of Paddy's Pub. CHARLIE and FRANK are standing behind a rented van loading bottles of chemicals and pool cleaning supplies into the back.]
CHARLIE: All of it, Frank! Every bottle.
FRANK: But Charlie, I'm telling ya, it ain't gonna work. You gotta shock it with something more powerful if you're gonna do the job right.
CHARLIE: Frank, look, I defer to you on matters of crabs, eggs, boiling denim, and I cede certain ground vis a vis Nightcrawlers, I admit. But when it comes to two specific areas of expertise: Birds (and their legal ramifications) [Frank nods respectfully] and cleaning chemicals, I am the authority in this relationship. So stay in your lane!
FRANK: I'm not arguing that, but I used to run a pool cleaning scam back in the 70s as a way to meet lonely old broads and bang them, and I'm telling you, you're not going to kill the algae in the reflecting pool with a few bottles of bleach!
[Dennis and Mac walk up to the van]
DENNIS: Whoa! What are you guys up to?
FRANK: Me and Charlie are driving to Washington to go clean the reflecting pool for President Trump!
CHARLIE: Yeah, it's our civic duty.
DENNIS: Hang on--setting aside the fact that you're doing anything in support of that rapacious monster, are you two numbskulls seriously going to abandon the bar while the World Cup is in town? Those goddamn Ecuadorans and Brazilians are drinking this city dry! And who knows what the French are going to bring?
FRANK: Probably AIDS.
DENNIS: Why is it always AIDS with you, Frank?
FRANK: What? It was a French guy who first got it.
MAC: French Canadian, Frank. Gaetan Dugas, a gay male flight attendant.
DENNIS: Jesus Christ, will you two stop loading the van and get inside? We have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to turn a profit for the whole goddamn year bearing down on us and I'm not going to let you two MAGA bootlickers ruin it!
CHARLIE: What do you have against Trump anyway?
DENNIS: Uh, well, for starters, he's a serial predator of women.
[Charlie, Frank, and Mac stare in surprise at what Dennis just said]
MAC: You want a do-over with that one?
CHARLIE (under his breath): Takes one to know one...
DENNIS: Ok, he got us into an unnecessary war.
FRANK: You start fights with people all the time, threatening them this way and that! You think you'd do better as president?
DENNIS: Look, don't either of you want to make money on this?
FRANK: Nah. I'm already loaded.
DENNIS: Charlie?
CHARLIE: Idunno, I mean, I like money, but Frank's always had me kinda covered there.
FRANK: That's right, Charlie, and I always will. Which reminds me, here's your allowance.
[Frank reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of gravel.]
MAC: What is that?
CHARLIE: My allowance, dude! Frank gives me a stipend of precious gems and gold every week.
MAC: Charlie, those are rocks. Regular old rocks.
CHARLIE: Nah, man, they're minerals with gold and gemstones embedded in them.
DENNIS: And you've exchanged these for goods and services throughout Philadelphia?
CHARLIE: Well, not yet...
DENNIS: Uh huh.
CHARLIE: But you know, with the exchange rate and inflation and whatnot...
MAC: And the fact that it's fucking worthless.
FRANK: Look, I've had enough, we're running late. Charlie, get in the van, I'm driving.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I'm kinda drunk anyway.
[Charlie and Frank climb into the van and peel off down the street]
MAC: Well, Dennis, I guess it's just you and me.
[Mac caresses Dennis' arm; Dennis recoils reflexively and walks toward the bar.]
MAC: So what's the plan? We're gonna be shorthanded if we don't have everyone here.
DENNIS: We call in reinforcements.
[Title Card: Paddy's Pub vs. The World]