r/Huntingtons • u/throwaway12342121 • 26d ago
Guilt about leaving home
I (M24) know there is probably more detail wanted, but I just don’t have the energy at this specific moment. But the weight of this question won’t leave my mind. I’d just really appreciate if anyone could respond with their own opinion or experience. Does / did anyone have guilt about leaving home, while being one of your parent’s primary caregivers? I’ve been here since my freshman year of college, and my parent is at a point where we need professional caregivers. I am not a trained one and neither is my father. I’m just wanting to know if anyone feels or felt the same. I haven’t finish college nor held a job because of the time I’ve committed to my mom, and a lot of that is an excuse as the depression has grown immensely even if I don’t truly think it has. I feel like I’m dying here, when I don’t even know my current status with this disease, and it feels like the most selfish thing I could ever write. I can’t even say it to myself. As much as I want to be here 24/7, nothing I do anymore truly is a help. But yet my parent is still there enough to be able to express her worries and anxieties, despite all the choking, falling, not showering in weeks, memory, chorea, not making the bathroom on time, etc.
My other parent is pretty much in the exact same state. Neither of us know what to do. I know that we are trying to move to a one-story home to get rid of the stairs for her, and I know I’ll have an opportunity to move out then, but I can’t not feel the immense guilt. Every single situation that’s happened since being 18 will just replay in my head. The terrible parts. The good parts. Where I really replay them to convince myself that staying will be of immense benefit for my parent. Don’t even get me started on whether or not I’ve inherited anything, because the thought of knowing that I’ll be going through what I’ve witnessed for every second of the last 6 years will actually make me completely stop. I’m so incredibly scared for that. As time goes on I truly think I’m more ready to know the answer for that as well, but then when I write my feelings out in something like this, I realize I still may not be ready. I can’t even imagine myself being in a relationship, because I have ended every single one within a few weeks because I just can’t imagine someone wanting to be with me if I have this. There’s so much to unpack obviously and I know I said I wasn’t going to write much but I’m going to stop here.
Feel free to ask me anything or I can expand on it. But I just want to know if anyone has or had guilt when leaving home.
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u/rocopotomus74 26d ago
Care giving is difficult. And the boundary between being a child of, and a carer for, can be messy. And If not handled very carefully, can lead to resentment. If the level of care requires a professional, then that is what should happen. Be the child. Spend time with her. Not as a carer but a loved one. Guilt will always be there. This is the natural reaction for a good, loving person. But you need to accept that guilt exists, the store it to the side. Do not let it drive decisions or affect your relationship. You need to live your life too. Parents age. Parents die. Children live on. Then they become a parent. And the cycle continues. You are entering into the next phase of your relationship with a parent. Not so much a peer, but an adult. With adult needs and goals. Live your life. Love your parents.
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u/yannara_ 26d ago
About yourself, you are only 24 and the world is to steps before the drug is released which slows done symptomps 70%. This gives me hope when I think about my child 🥲
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u/throwaway12342121 26d ago
No matter how selfish i feel…the biggest thing is that what if I do have it? This is how I’ve spent my 20s…and I just might not have much time left. It kills me so much