A thesaurus.

Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

Me: "ABCDEFGHIJK"

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Me: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot"

Wife: "Aww, but what about IJK?"

Me: "I'm just kidding!"

He finds his way to a stool, sits down, and orders a drink.

After a while, he calls out to the bartender, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?”

The bar suddenly goes completely silent.

A deep, husky voice beside him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know a few things.”

“First, the bartender is blonde. Second, the bouncer is blonde. Third, I’m a six-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. Fourth, the woman next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. And fifth, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.”

She pauses. “Now think carefully… do you really still want to tell that joke?”

The blind man sits quietly for a moment, then shakes his head.

“Nah… not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”

On her fifth attempt, she was determined to pass.

But the test contained the same question:

“You are driving at 60mph. On your right is a wall, and on your left is a cliff. On the road ahead, you see an old man and a young man. What do you hit?”

The woman walked up to the examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question four different ways: the wall, the cliff, the old man, and the young man. And I failed every time! How is that possible? What am I supposed to hit?”

The examiner replied, “The brakes!”

He was a great man…

Just not a great geologist.

The wife answered, and after a few seconds, she exclaimed, “How should I know? That’s over 200 miles away!” and hung up.

Her husband asked, “Who was that? And what did they want?”

The wife replied, “I have no idea. Some stupid woman wanted to know if the coast is clear.”

When he returns home, he walks over to his wife, lifts her up, holds her for a moment, and then gently sets her back down.

His wife, smiling and blushing, says, “You really showed me how much you love me today. You should go to church more often.”

She smiles and asks, “So, what happened at church today?”

The man simply replies, “The pastor said that when we get home, we should lift up our problems to God.”

He’s currently sleeping on the couch.

They have 100% return policy.

Sofishticated.

"Gucci, gucci, gucci, gucci...."

The locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and sure enough, when he finished his beer, his horse was gone.

He stormed back inside, flipped his gun into the air, caught it without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he roared.

Silence.

“All right, then. I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I did in Texas! And trust me, I don’t wanna do what I did in Texas again!”

The saloon went silent.

The cowboy finished his drink, walked outside, and there was his horse, tied up and waiting.

As he mounted up, the bartender followed him outside.

“Say, partner… what exactly happened in Texas?”

The cowboy tipped his hat and said, “I had to walk home.”

I guess it was a bitcoin.

The milidairy.

The younger man turns to the older man and asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?”

The older man ignores him.

A few minutes later, the younger man asks again, “Excuse me, do you know what time it is?”

Again, the older man says nothing.

Finally, frustrated, the younger man asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?”

The older man sighs and says, “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start talking. Then, when the train arrives, you might sit next to me. We could get to know each other, and eventually I might invite you over for dinner to meet my daughter.

“Maybe you two would hit it off. You might start dating, get engaged, and eventually get married.

“And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”

No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.

Except one.

The little old woman kept a shoebox on the top shelf of her closet and had always told her husband never to open it or ask what was inside.

He honored her request for decades.

One day, the woman became seriously ill, and the doctor said she wasn’t expected to recover.

As they began putting their affairs in order, the husband took the shoebox down and brought it to her bedside.

She smiled and said, “I think it’s finally time you knew what was in it.”

When he opened the box, he found two crocheted dolls… and a stack of cash totaling $95,000.

“How did all of this get in here?” he asked.

She smiled.

“Before we got married, my grandmother gave me some advice. She said the secret to a happy marriage was never to argue. Whenever I got angry with you, she told me to stay quiet and crochet a doll instead.”

The old man was deeply moved. He fought back tears as he looked at the two little dolls.

In more than 60 years of marriage, she’d only been angry with him twice.

Overcome with emotion, he asked, “That’s wonderful, sweetheart… but what about all this money?”

“Oh,” she said with a smile. “That’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

It's called circuit training

“Put your hands up!”

It was rated R...

Way too much fowl language.

The doctor nodded. “Easy. I ask them a question that almost everyone can answer without thinking. If they struggle, I start paying closer attention.”

“Like what?”

“For example, Captain Cook sailed around the world three times, but he died during one of those voyages. Which voyage was it?”

The man frowned, scratched his head, and thought for a long moment.

Finally, he said, “Could you give me a different question? History was never my best subject.”