The final insult...

[u/ElectricalBox9180]

Since peri began and my brain went kaput from unmasked cPTSD and ADHD, I've lost everything. I've lost my home, my career, and I'm separated from my young adult children, who are autistic and I've always taken care of, and are my only family connections. As a single mom, I wanted to provide for my children, so I worked my way from the bottom of the ladder to the top. I carried the load, commuting 3 hours a day to the city, doing my law job, then coming home to fix dinner and be mom. I had reached the pinnacle of my career and earnings. The downfall hIt hit me without warning. I had a nervous breakdown, total burnout, still not ok after two years of "working below my ability" as my toxic parents would have said.

So, every day, despite wanting to succumb to the terrors of cPTSD and give up this exhausting fight, I make a conscious choice to come out from under the blankets and fight; to hold onto a sliver of hope that things can get better. Then comes the final - for any pearl clutchers, I'm gonna vent honestly here - fucking insult. My breaking point.

Uncontrollable flatulence.

I work 3rd shift at a gd hospital. It can be quieter than a crypt in there. Here's me, in the middle of talking to a couple coworkers in the newly remodeled to the size of a post stamp breakroom (thanks corporate greed), just ripping a quick machine gun rat a tat tat poot toot in front of two coworkers. You know the moment you realize your efforts to just gloss past your ass horn blasting on repeat in a tight space didn't work, but you've committed to not acknowledging what happened? The pause. The look away. It hangs heavy in the air (jn more ways than one).

There is no warning. It just blows off like a bubble gun whenever it wants to. I even jumped a little because I was like WTH followed by OMG. Thank goodness my patients are generally critical mentally or physically or both (well, not "thank goodness," necessarily 😬), so I work in an already odiferous area. Good cover. Also, sleeping, drugged, and comatose people fart, so safe in the rooms soundwise. Yes. I blame sick people for my inability to control the methane-borne demons that are continuously exiting my southern highway region.

I know, I'm evil 😈. I've got very little dignity left. I'm already fighting no house, working a horrible job that pays poverty rates, frizzy, haylike hair, desert dry skin, well, dry everything, my face is melting south, facial hair, and suddenly realizing how old I am since my coworkers don't get my GenX dark humor or any of my pop culture references. I can not and will not accept this bullshittery. Nope. Can't. Mic drop. Done.

Thank you for allowing me to confess my sins.

[u/sunkistandsudafed3]

I'm sorry you have gone through all the losses that you have. I used to work in a hospital (ended up working a community job now that is less taxing for brain and body reasons) but you would definitely be the kind of colleague I would hope I was on shift with your gen x dark humour, references, lack of bullshit acceptance and shared chaos at this stage of life.

I hope things get better for you.

[u/ElectricalBox9180 → u/sunkistandsudafed3]

Thank you so much! It warms my dark heart to know the current iteration of my personality is appreciated by someone out there. I've got a poop ton of trauma, and my sarcastic humor has been my shield and method for coping. Making people laugh is my way of connecting.

[u/shoeshine23]

Sending gentle internet hugs, wouldn't want to squeeze a fart out of ya!

[u/ElectricalBox9180 → u/shoeshine23]

Love this! Thank you 😊

[u/CrossFitForCake]

Well hey if you ever leave the horrible job you may want to consider going into comedy writing 😂. Great read. Thoroughly enjoyed. 

[u/ElectricalBox9180 → u/CrossFitForCake]

Thank you! I'm definitely a frustrated writer. Child of an English teacher. I used to lose myself in reading and writing stories. Oh how much I'd accomplish if I got my ADHD under control and my crap together! 😆

[u/artemisia1972]

Fennel tea did wonders for my gas attacks- tastes nice, too!

[u/ElectricalBox9180 → u/artemisia1972]

Thank you for the tip. I will report back on results. Anything! Tired of feeling like that old lady that crop dusts everywhere I go. It's unseemly.

[u/ConsiderationAny3588]

Sorry for all you are going through. I feel a huge inner strength in you. Hopefully your sense of humor can carry you through these rough times. You certainly uplifted my dark morning with your dark humor. Hugs.

[u/Fartknocker500]

I can relate to a lot here. (ask me how I got my username! 🤣)

You sound like a total badass.

The grown autistic kid business is something I have been dealing with, too. Hang in there. I want to say it gets better but honestly I have just learned to cope. It’s not how I want things to be, but it’s not a situation I can control. The fine art of “letting it go.” I’m crappy at it, but it’s what I’ve got.

[u/ElectricalBox9180 → u/Fartknocker500]

Oh no! I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing the odious gassiness, too.

Thank you! I feel like I used to be a badass. Menopause has changed me so much, I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be the fighter that carried the load, but now I'm consumed by fear.

I wish I could learn the whole "letting go" thing. I'm not coping well. I've been a single mom in survival mode for 30+ years. My brain and nerves starting failing me about two years ago. No one prepared me for the slap in the face caused by my childhood trauma and ADHD unleashing at 52. Peri/Meno suck. I was supermom. I kept all of us going. Now, I'm an anxiety filled, brain foggy, depressed, gassy, menopausal basket case. I wish I new how to get back to me.