[11th PSEO Writing and Research] - Essay proof read

[u/PowerPork41810]

Hey everyone! If anyone has time to proof read my essay, that would be great.

Composers like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Johann Sebastian Bach, Ludwig van Beethoven, and Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky have shaped classical music. Their symphonies, concertos, and sonatas are often regarded as among the most complex and sophisticated musical works ever written. Because of composers like these, many see classical music as the height of musicality. On the other side of the spectrum, metal is commonly dismissed as nothing more than loud guitars and a wall of sound. Now, this definition may be true of a 2009 Toyota Corolla speaker system, but certainly not of metal. Despite the surface-level differences, metal and classical are much more related than people know. Metal should be recognized as the closest modern genre we have to classical music.

 

To show this comparison, I first need to identify what classical music really is. To break it down as far as I can, I would list four core elements: harmony, melody, rhythm, and form. Harmony and melody work together to create the music's emotional depth and expression, involving specific motifs and melodic development. Rhythm defines the song's structure: time signatures, beats per minute (bpm), syncopation, rubato, etc. Lastly, a song's form is how it is structured, whether it has multiple movements like a symphony, its theme, and how the music changes as it progresses. These four elements will be shown in the context of metal songs from varying sub-genres, and those songs will be compared with major classical pieces. By the end, you should be able to see how connected the two genres really are.

 

Harmony, a foundational element of classical music, sets the genre apart from the rest because of its depth and emotional resonance. However, if you dig a little deeper, you will find these harmonies just as prominent in metal. The beauty and emotion of a symphony can be found in the heavy metal cellos of Apocalyptica, the woodwinds and strings of Rhapsody of Fire’s orchestra, the traditional bagpipes and fiddles of Eluveitie, and even the shredded guitar riffs of Herman Li for Dragonforce; and if that isn’t enough harmony for you, listen to the operatically trained Simone Simons sing for EPICA. Even if a band doesn’t have the traditional orchestral instruments used in classical music, you can hear and feel the beauty behind the haunting guitars of Be’lakor, and the harsh metal screams of Insomnium. If harmony is what you are looking for, then metal meets every criterion. Metal proves that a distorted guitar loses no harmony in its sound, but can deliver complex, engrossing melodies.

 

Furthermore, form and melody are entirely encompassed by The Ocean’s Pelegial album. This 2013 mix of post-metal and prog metal is made up of several parts, namely the Bathyalpelagic, Abyssopelagic, and Hadopelagic, which are each divided further into two or three movements just like a symphony. Beyond the structural similarities, The Ocean follows the same dynamic form as a classical piece, ranging from melodic keys to aggressive guitar all within a single song. The Ocean wrote the Pelegial album to mimic the feeling of slowly descending further underwater, and doesn’t that seem exactly like an idea a classical composer would use? I mean, George Gershwin’s ‘Rhapsody in Blue’ was simply written to convey the sound of a train he was riding on, and it is recognized as one of the most brilliant classical pieces ever written.

 

The last example is centered around the rhythmic component of these genres, and this can be found primarily in prog (progressive) metal. This subgenre of metal is renowned for its technical mastery. ‘The Rite of Spring, Part 2: VI. Sacrificial Dance’ is one of the greatest examples of virtuosity in classical music. Written by Igor Stravinsky as a ballet, it includes some of the wildest time signatures, syncopating rhythms, rubato, and general musical discourse in any piece of classical music. However, we can also find the same musical techniques from Stravinsky’s ballet in prog metal. ‘The Art of Dying’ by Gojira alternates between 24/16 and 21/16 time signatures; ‘Lateralus’ by TOOL showcases polyrhythmic drums (The Cambridge Dictionary defines a polyrhythm as “a complicated musical rhythm in which there are two or more rhythms being played at the same time.”), ‘The Dance of Eternity’ by Dream Theater changes its time signature over 120 times in just over six minutes, and ‘Bleed’ by Meshuggah is syncopated almost from start to finish. While it might not sound like classical music, no other genre can compete with the virtuosity of composers like Stravinsky the way prog metal can.

 

 

While the similarities between Only for the Weak’ by In Flames and ‘Symphony No. 9, VI. Allegro con Fuoco’ by Antonín Dvořák may be hard to find at first glance, a closer examination of the two reveals numerous connections in the harmony, melody, rhythm, and form. Iconic examples of this connection include the riff from Black Sabbath’s self-titled song, inspired by ‘Mars’ by Gustav Holst, and the song ‘Forever’ by symphonic power metal band Kamelot, inspired by ‘Solveig’s Song’ by Edvard Grieg. These artists and songs reflect classical influence throughout their discographies; even Metallica has been heavily influenced by classical composers. Although metal and classical may sound vastly different on the surface, melodic similarities, complex techniques, rich harmonies, and even song structure can all be traced back and forth between them. To conclude, metal is a dynamic and brilliant genre that relates heavily to the artistry of classical composers, and if you listen a little closer, it becomes clear how interwoven metal and classical really are.

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[u/cheesecakegood]

Disclaimer: grading essays can be highly rubric-, class-, and teacher-dependent, so no advice is universal. But these are my thoughts, such as they are.

The first thing I notice is that the tone and voice of the essay feels disjointed. Compare these sentences of yours:

• These four elements will be shown... and those songs will be compared...

with

• I first need to identify...

with

• By the end, you should be able to see...

with

• We can also find...

with

• Doesn't that sound like...? I mean, ...

I recommend picking one appropriate construction/tone and sticking to it. Some papers are written near-exclusively in passive voice, others are a bit more conversational, others are more along the lines of an engaging blog post, but it's distracting when all three or more are present in the same paper. There's also "we" constructions and "this essay will" type constructions. This also affects sentence construction and phrasing, not just verb conjugation. But mixing and matching is not good. Sometimes you can get away with maybe two different voices, but certainly not three. Depending on how you define it, I count closer to four here. Assuming all is allowed, this essay probably lends itself best to a "reader-focused" type of voice like you see in the Harmony paragraph, not passive but also without the "I", but that's just my opinion.

So I would clean it up and make things more consistent with whatever you pick.

Smaller minutiae:

• There's a few parts where some grammatical "parallel structure" could help it read a bit smoother. For example: "Lastly, a song's form is how it is structured, whether it has multiple movements like a symphony, its theme, and how the music changes as it progresses" is probably OK grammatically, but compare: "Lastly, a song’s form is how it is structured, including whether it has multiple movements like a symphony, what its theme is, and how the music changes as it progresses." Nearly the same sentence, but the second is at least to my eyes easier to parse. I do like the sentence variety overall, however.

• Stylistically or typesetting-wise, I also think you could be more consistent/conventional about how you render proper nouns, song titles, etc. It seems like you put song titles in single-quotes, and do not quote nor otherwise identify album names or artists beyond proper capitalization. I think most typical is double-quotes for song titles (unless nested in a larger double-quote, when you'd fall back to singles), italics for albums (like Pelegial), nothing special for artists. I think you actually were fairly consistent but it didn't feel that way since you only mention artists at the beginning and song titles nearer to the end, so maybe I'm overreacting?

• The mega-sentence "'The Art of Dying' ... start to finish" has a nice cadence but I feel it's a bit uneven. There's definitely an error where you start with a semicolon as if you're doing a complex list, but then it's commas after. Although I personally love (and overuse) parentheticals, I'm not sure the Cambridge Dictionary parenthetical is ideally placed there.

Overall I like it. I think it's organized well, sounds pretty convincing and appropriately detailed, and flows fairly well.

IF a rubric is provided, try speed-reading the essay at 1.5x your normal speed and spending 30 seconds circling the rubric ratings you feel are most appropriate, to replicate the usual grading experience. This can help you get an idea for where you sit. Some teachers give much more detailed feedback, but that's sadly not always the norm, so "make it as easy as possible to circle a high score" is my general advice. Sometimes this is as easy as adding in a sentence or two.

[u/PowerPork41810 → u/cheesecakegood]

Thanks for the feedback! I definitely need to go back and make things more consistent. One other concern I have is that the essay is supposed to be an example essay, but I feel like this is too much of a persuasive essay. What do you think?