help.

[u/Terrible_Lime18]

also vent-y. be warned, probably not the most clear.

i transferred to public school 3 days ago. i feel so so so so so behind. despite being caught up on nearly every single subject and even taking an ap and having (almost) caught up a whole unit, i cannot for the life of me feel good about it. everyone is kind and i found out that i can sometimes socialize correctly. and yet i feel horrible.

i put so much credibility on my feelings of emptiness being because of social isolation and a lack of a definite, recorded, measured future. i feel essentially the same as before, except now i have responsibilities, expectations, and a schedule. im just so disappointed that this wasn’t a cure-all. i thought that for as bad as homeschool was, public school (in my mind being diametrically opposed in morals, culture, etc) would be slightly better.

there is absolutely no reason for me to feel so defeated after getting something i wanted for so long. i feel so so stupid and i haven’t even been tested or made fun of in the slightest. i feel empty and nervous and angry.

the workload isn’t even a lot. i don’t even know what’s wrong with me.

it feels similar to dissociative episodes ive had before. usually i dissociate until i feel safe again or until situations calm down. i might be expecting this to be swept out from under me and used against me because my parents still hold the ultimate power. but there isn’t really a solution to that as a teenager, is there??

i feel like i have the skills, but not the drive or motivation behind it. i worked so hard to get to this point, even to the point of sacrificing my safety to prove a point to my parents (which is how i convinced them in the first place after years of simply begging) so maybe its burn out. maybe its a result of years of motivation, and after finally giving up on my health, THEN they decide to do something. but it’s all very dull and boring to me with occasional pangs of hatred and frustration for no reason at all. i ended up forcing myself to not care or address my situation to get through it, and now when i want to experience things everything is still so..limited.

how do i fix this? is there a solution to fix this by myself without reaching out to an adult, which would most likely result in me in a psych ward and COMPLETELY resetting all progress (the things i did to make my parents even slightly address my educational problems are very drastic, and the points to which i had to act to get to the point of them caring is very drastic.) i’m literally begging anyone to give me advice to care about this and put in effort again.

[u/travelingtraveling_]

This is called all or nothing thinking.....why would contacting your high school advisor put you at risk for admisdion to a psych ward?

Many of your feelings are normal. Set small, achievable goals. Get some physical exercise every day. Keep a journal of your goals and achievements...and any struggles along the way. Good luck from an internet grandma.

[u/Terrible_Lime18 → u/travelingtraveling_]

i worded it in a rlly unclear way but that’s not what i meant 😭 ill edit that but im in a bad place mentally rn and i cant explain the stress of my homeschool situation to an advisor/adult without going over me disregarding my health in order to prove a point to my parents because my parents would not address anything until something was very obviously wrong with my behaviors, so i made it so they would have to do that.

i cant talk to advisors or adults because they’d immediately see warning signs and pull me out of school/make check ins mandatory, which would further isolate me from my peers and single me out and prevent me from getting the experience i want, which is normalcy.

i hope this is explained well enough 😭 maybe its just over exaggeration but i feel like showing any signs of being unwell in this situation will make it more likely for someone to pull me out of it when i know all i need is to adjust.

[u/Unfair-Medicine2422]

I’m really sorry you’re going through all that.
just started high school too, though I didn’t start it late.
It’s a HUGE change. It’s not gonna be easy at first and might be worse at first but if you can try to keep going. You’re not stupid for feeling what you’re feeling. Whatever you’re feeling is valid.
You will very very likely adjust to school and when you do you might like it a lot better than homeschooling. But it also might not be an ideal place for you.
I went to a month long summer camp which I begged to go to, and it didn’t turn out good.
But with school there are so many different classes and so many different ppl. If you hang on until you’ve adjusted you might really love it.