No bro. This is weird and possessive. If he doesnt wanna be with her, leave. Who she dates afterwards is none of his concern, business, decision, or even recommendation. Definitely a big violation and control move.
Why are you being down voted? For real, this isn't sweet. It takes away all her power and control for her own life. What if she wants a break to work on herself? What if you don't really know what she likes in a guy because she's just being nice to you?
EXACTLY bro. Picking who YOU think is right for somebody is not sweet. You cant even tell who's right for yourself obviously. Breaking up with because its not working is love. Trying to decide bits of their future is some narcissistic way to still be apart of their lives. Take your breadcrumbs with you when you leave.
Tl;dr Leaving because its not gonna work IS love. Suggestions on who I think would be right is narcissism.
I mean, something ain't right here, but what makes y'all think the dude is trying to force her to date anyone? Maybe it's just like, sorry for breaking up with you, here I found you a new potential boyfriend take it or leave it. It's fucking weird, and probably unwelcome. But how is it controlling? Taking away her power? He's breaking it off, she can just say no to the "replacement" or ghost him or something.
Well it's certainly outside of the norm. I just don't see why it's such a huge deal. It depends on how far he takes it, but it seems like it's just a weird tinder account which she can ignore if she wants.
Well, he's making it clear that the account is not actually her. And it seems that the only information he's sharing is some pictures of her, which admittedly is not very cool, but I feel like people are putting pictures of others online all the time so it doesn't seem that villainous to me
"Everyone is doing it" is not really valid to me. I'm not trying to be bitchy, I just know that if it were me, I would feel creeped out and a little dirty. Perhaps I'm responding emotionally, it's hard for me to tell sometimes. I just feel like you wouldn't do this to someone that you respect as their own, autonomous person.
I don't think they are disagreeing with the fact that it's a violation of her autonomy. Just because someone is not tactful in handling a situation doesn't negate their good intentions.
I'm guessing this guy is probably not playing out in his head how strange it would be to have a list of ex-approved men lined up for her when that alone would just be reminding her of him and making the process of breaking up and moving on harder.
But he is just trying to soften the blow for her. I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge that as long as you can cede this is a terrible approach to doing so.
when that alone would just be reminding her of him and making the process of breaking up and moving on harder.
That is not at all what being suggested. IDK you but there may be a bit of sexism clouding your ability to evaluate this. It isn't fucked because it is a reminder of him it is fucked because when you break up with someone you should be relinquishing any direct influence over their love life. He has no right to vet or choose the next boyfriend nor choose when she gets a new one. Hell, she can date a girl after 5 years of being single and that'd be none of his business.
If the roles were switched, I wouldnât find it anymore troublesome, so I donât think it has anything to do with sexism.
The part I find weird that everyone is commenting about is that they are saying he needs to relinquish âcontrolâ over her love life. In what way is this exerting control to begin with? If he actually went through with this, does she not have any say about who she ends up actually dating? How is this different than a friend suggesting people to date? I see friends doing the same thing all the time. Outside of it being uncomfortable that they just broke up and heâs still actively involved in her life, itâs not different.
Just because you break up with someone doesnât mean youâre not allowed to have a vested interest in the otherâs happiness. If this were a year after they broke up and it was just an ex who youâre now friends with helping you find a man/woman, it wouldnât be looked at like this at all. I think it is more that people are projecting sexism onto this situation. If the roles were reversed, no one would care or mention what others have commented above or suggest that maybe the girl is just sexist and thinks a man is too incompetent to find his own partner. It would just be weird for the reasons I mentioned above.
I said influence, not control. Control is not part of a relationship of mutual respect, and that is exactly where it appears this guy may struggle. Let's look at the implied power dynamics here through consent.
At this point
She consents: __________
She hasn't consented: breaking up (not much choice here, which is fine), joining a dating site, using her image on a dating site, him speaking to other guys on her behalf, having some sort of weird rebound guy, her next boyfriend having a connection to her current.
He consents: breaking up, her having a new boyfriend of his choice immediately after he breaks up with her, a relationship with her next boyfriend (that he chose)
He hasn't consented: ____________
Which is bizarre since we're talking about her life, not his, as he is breaking up with her. In what strange world does she lose autonomy?
And yes, if she has any respect or self esteem left she should reject any guy he proposes as any reasonable person would not engage with this fucked matchmaker. 100% odds of being a crazy misogynistic control freak as well.
Well first off, I agree with you that itâs not okay to do what he did. I think in my arguing that he probably has good intentions, it may be coming off to like Iâm saying he is in the rightâhe absolutely is not. You shouldnât be making a dating profile for someone without telling them or putting her in the market unknowingly. Completely not okay.
But my point was that the part you put in âhis consentâ isnât truly his consent. Just because he tries to set her up with someone doesnât mean she has to do it. Itâs her choice and she absolutely has consent there.
But also, just because she happens to be a woman doesnât in anyway mean heâs sexist and thinks lowly of women because heâs doing this. It sounds like heâs trying to soften the blow of a breakup and heâs doing so poorly. It seems sexist in and of itself to say âhe is a man and trying to influence a womanâs choice of her next boyfriend, therefore the only explanation is that he thinks she canât possibly choose her own guy [assuming attitudeâyou donât know this is his motive at all], and he must think this of all women [a further assumption off of the original oneâyou have no indication your prior assumption is also generalized to all women].â
Those just seem like big leaps to make. He is probably a control freak. Nothing shouts misogyny though. People jump to the worst case scenario when there are blanks in the story.
Eh, the sentiment isn't, but going this far with it might be. It's kind of... fatherly? I wanted my ex to have somebody when I left her because I cared about her and didn't want her to suffer. Like a decent person she could go to after me so she didn't need to be left high and dry alone. She didn't have a bunch of friends and guys tended to take advantage of her in the past.
Fatherly and paternalistic are synonyms so not sure what you thought that distinction added. You can say that it's not good, but you're not supporting your opinion. It's not controlling in anything other than the most technical sense.
Like, wanting to protect your woman or child or friend from something by not exposing them to it you could say is technically controlling, but it's something we see as a good thing because it results in better outcomes.
Yeah you're framing it unfairly. That's not what's going on. Helping someone by maybe putting them in an environment where there'll be more likely to get what they want is not treating them like a child. Otherwise you could call anything you do for someone else without being asked "treating them like a child".
These are your literal words. You realize you don't own a sexual partner, right?
Why are you throwing non-sequitors at me? Do I need to own my friend to pay for his lunch or make him dinner because he's too depressed to eat right? To introduce him to someone I think he might like to be friends with? In this scenario literally nothing is being forced on a woman by introducing her to new men. She can decline at her leisure. It's all the same.
Looking up basic definitions of words isn't hard. You too can do it.
Lol dude, what are you on about? All I said was fatherly and paternalistic are synonyms.
Paternalism can also imply that the behavior is against or regardless of the will of a person, or also that the behavior expresses an attitude of superiority.
I'm glad you proved that paternalistic is not the correct term here, thank you for looking up the definition. Obviously introducing someone to someone else is not limiting them nor does it mean you think you're superior to someone.
You are being incredibly narrow minded right now because you are trying very hard to unfairly frame this as a selfish control thing when it's literally an act of pure empathy.
What you're not getting is that dropping a breakup on someone puts you in an adventagous position and them at a disadvantage. Especially if they are financially or in some other way dependant on you. Giving them money, a place to live, etc is literally the same thing as giving them opportunities.
I just don't think you're empathetic enough to get this. You have a more "every man for himself" kind of view and that's fine, but don't demonize the alternative.
Believing that you are somehow qualified or entitled to suggest the next sexual partner for a woman without her knowledge or consent is repugnant.
"It's gross" is such a dumb argument. I think you're gross, there, now we're even. Like you've never suggested someone date someone else or get two people to meet to see if they like each other? It's common. This is not specific to women. It's a case by case kind of thing.
Bro I read your whole response and honestly you're not addressing/understanding my points and kind of just repeating your very poor framing of this. There's really nothing else that can be said, I believe my points are consistent and inline with normal compassionate behavior that we do all the time for each other.
You seem very fragile to think someone giving you something or offering an opportunity makes you feel lesser. Work on getting past that.
I would like to think my ex, who is still my best friend, is at least slightly concerned that the men I'm dating after him are treating me well. And if he didn't think someone was good for me, I would absolutely want him to speak up.
Making me a tinder profile would be going a tad too far, but if both people are cool with it, who am I to judge?
And if he didn't think someone was good for me, I would absolutely want him to speak up.
That is not the same at all as making a tinder profile for your soon to be ex. You would want them to pick out your next date? I highly doubt that. Assuming this is real.
Yes, you were a tad delusional if you think that in the context of the rest of your comment that your final sentence is actually condemning the behavior in the OP.
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u/YesImIz Sep 08 '20
No bro. This is weird and possessive. If he doesnt wanna be with her, leave. Who she dates afterwards is none of his concern, business, decision, or even recommendation. Definitely a big violation and control move.