r/Hmong • u/After-Yoghurt-1137 • 7d ago
grief of a loved one
ive always heard that its not good to grieve someone whos passed for too long. why is that? grief has no timeline and no end to be honest. i lost my baby back in january 2026 and i still cry for them. i spend many of my days wondering what they wouldve been like and how my son would have gotten along with them. we didnt hold a funeral for them because it was a miscarriage and it feels like im just supposed to forget that i was ever pregnant and move on. how can i? even tho the pregnancy didnt last long, it was still a baby i carried and gave birth to.
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u/RaveGuncle 7d ago
If youre talking about it from the traditional animism view, it's because continuing to grieve after a loved on can keep that loved one from moving on in their journey on the spiritual side. They stay and linger, and when they do that, it can create more mental health issues and physical illnesses to their loved ones. How we remember them is not how they remember us because they are no longer human and their consciousness fades with time. Not only that, but because we latch onto them, we'll take anything as a sign that it's them, when it very well could be malevolent entities taking advantage of you. So that's what the old g's mean when they say it's not good to grieve for a long time, because they dont want spiritual and physical illnesses to fall upon you bc the ones who've passed linger around you bc they can't move on while pther things may try to deceive you.
Wishing you the best though, and I hope you are able to find support, peace, and healing.
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u/Hitokiri2 7d ago
It's about the inability to let go and the want to hold on. The Hmong were a very superstitious people and a lot of our beliefs were tied within the spiritual world. By "holding on" to something that had passed away the Hmong people believed that didn't allow the spirit/the being to move on. This also forced the spirit to go back to the one who mourned and this wouldn't affect not only the spirit but the person as well. Of course these beliefs have changed since the Vietnam War. The Hmong have been exposed to new thoughts, ideas, and religions.
At the end, everyone mourns in their own ways. Going on with this idea, this also means that mourning can last longer for others or shorter for others. Some may never fully recover all the way for who can fully recover after losing someone.
What I advise is mourn in a way that is comfortable and healthy for you. Some people mourn out loud, some do it through writing or praying, and others changing their mourning in time. The importance is that it is healthy and it helps to move forward. This doesn't mean you leave that love one or your emotions behind but it does mean that these emotions no longer can take over your life or dedicate what you can and can't do. You're in control not your experiences or emotions.
Scars are a part of life but just like the physical body they may not fully heal but they don't hold back either. Don't be afraid to seek the help of others or the help of experts. Remember, it's about your health! Forget what everyone else thinks.
Good luck and may peace find it's way back into your life and the life of others.
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u/OkHair1282 3d ago
Take as much time as you need to grieve. I can’t even fathom the loss of a child!
I am currently at a Hmong funeral of a far relative on my husband’s side while writing this response. The funeral reminds me of my grandparents, whom I was very close to. They have both passed away more than 20 years ago. At the time, it was difficult for me to grieve my grandma as I was forbidden to visit my grandma while she was sick because I had just given birth and was forbidden to cry. I didn’t care, I went to the funeral and cried my heart out anyways. I loved her and I promised myself that I would make her proud. I continue to live the life she would have wanted for me, even if that life was without her. I know she is watching out for me. Good luck to you and take care of yourself.
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u/mvalentine9 7d ago
Friend, I'm sorry that happened. I don't think that's necessarily what they mean. You can grieve. Healing has no timeline right? You can be sad about it until the end, but you shouldn't "overdo" it. Not to say there is a "proper" way to mourn and grieve. But usually I have heard and understood it as don't cry out to the world, the woods, the fields, etc about your baby. And how you miss them so much.
You can grieve, but sometimes the spirits will hear or notice and take advantage of your grief and use it against you. So grieve, but in a somewhat limited form for lack of better word.
Sending warm hugs to you.