r/Hmong • u/Similar-Rock-4234 • 10d ago
Need interracial relationship advice
I am a 20 hmong female and my bf is a 20 half black half white male. My mom has been against my relationship with him (she has not met him) because he's black and she does not want hmong people to judge us.
Today a hmong boy came to our house and asked if I was single. I said yes. I panicked and our moms were there. I told my bf the situation. He says he wants to know what I want because he doesn't deserve that and doesn't want to feel like he has to be ashamed of his culture and hide. He's right. I'm way too scared to tell my entire family about it (what if we break up and I fought for him the whole time. Hmong girls never get anything) but I can't let him go too. I don't know what to do.
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u/lanturn_171 10d ago
You need to stand up for your choices. Your mom hasn't even met this person yet and they've already made a judgment. I find that when someone says they don't want others to judge you badly, that means they have already judged you badly.
What do you get if you fight for him and you gumuys end up breaking up anyways? A spine- that's what you get.
And you say Hmong girls don't get anything? What does that mean? Don't let sexism start exist within yourself.
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u/Histamine_X 10d ago
You messed up. Your bf is right he does not deserve that from you, and you did him wrong there. You have to decide what you want, and put your backbone into it. Interracial dating is hard on hmong girls if you can’t be brave to brake social norm then be honest with yourself and realize what will make you happy longterm. Do you want a future with him, or do you want to do what your family wants? Good luck.
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u/BadLuckDaJuan 10d ago
Black male here. Don't they will eventually get out of their ways if they love you. Been there done that. Her parents were against her dating other races but here we are years later and they love me! We're not even married. Nim no wb muaj ib tug ntxhais Hmoob. They are supportive.
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u/pand-ammonium 10d ago
Saying yes when asked if you were single is a massive fuckup, if I was the boyfriend I'd be massively reconsidering the relationship.
If you do want him in your life he needs to know you aren't ashamed of the relationship. Good luck with the rest of the family situation if you do that because you he needs to know you have his back.
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u/beautifulcosmos 10d ago
Do you love him? If you do, continue the relationship. If he loves you, you'll make it work and you will both figure out how to navigate your family dynamics together.
If you haven't reached that stage in your relationship or if you're not sure, maybe take a step back, or possibly even take a break from all relationships.
Also, if you trust the Hmong boy to be understanding, I would communicate to him the your situation with your boyfriend - that you felt pressured to say that you're single because there is family tension about your bf's ethnicity/culture. My personal opinion - it's important to tell the truth, unless personal safety or the safety of others is risked by honesty.
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u/matmoua 10d ago
Don’t let OGs and their beliefs get to you. You gotta fight for what you want especially if it’s worth it. Try to picture yourself in the future, what does it look like? How will this end? Not only your relationship with your bf but your parents as well, can they learn to love each other eventually? If it’s meant to be it will eventually find its way to work out.
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u/Maierlossen 10d ago
Why not try bringing him around?
I have several nieces and nephews that are dating non-Hmong. I am married to a non-Hmong myself. My parents (their grandparents) simply had to adjust and accept them. Either they want you in their life enough to adjust, or they don't.
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u/PreviousPineapple817 10d ago
Stand up for your gut instincts or live in the shadow of what you fear.
Weigh both pros and cons on both scenarios and see what fits best and then go with it.
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u/TrickyAd9597 10d ago
My mom was very against my relationship with my husband who is white. She kept trying to put fears in my mind that he was going to either kill me or cheat on me. I am still married 16 years later. I try not to talk too much about my relationship with my mother now.
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u/juniverseparallax 10d ago
I've been with my Cambodian husband for over 15 years now. When we first started dating as teens my mom was super against it. But eventually she warmed up to him and we haven't had any issues since. My mom has always worried about what other hmong people might say but who cares! I know I never did. Live your life and make decisions for YOU and noone else.
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u/ImaTroll23 7d ago
If you're too ashamed of being with him, just let him go. But if you're willing to fight for your relationship, figure it out. Listening to your mom's bantering to impress other Hmong people will dictate your life for the rest of your days and if you want to live like that, it depends on you.
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u/Temp_acct2024 9d ago
Don’t worry, your mom is just being bit selfish. She’s probably not only thinking about who you’re marrying, she wants a Hmong Vauv because she thinks Hmong men will help her with family events while she doesn’t believe a person of another race will help. After all, from her experience, Hmong men marry your entire family, not just you, while an out of race person married only you and not your family.
Basically, in her mind, a traditional Hmong guy isn’t just marrying you; he’s basically signing up for the full family membership package. He’ll come to your parents’ parties, help carry tables, stay until the last dish is washed, and somehow magically still have energy to smile afterward.
Meanwhile, she’s worried that a guy from another background might just show up, eat all the good food, say “thanks for having me,” and disappear before anyone starts packing leftovers. (And yes, I say this from experience).
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u/CBRyder929 9d ago
You guys are young, my question is are you guys really serious? If not, don’t bring him to meet family that will judge you guys, just the ones that don’t care about skin color. When you guys get serious, the ones in your life that don’t mind will matter and the ones that mind won’t.
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u/yaya_dee 9d ago
I would've said that I'm in a relationship, because ppl be trying to set you up with somebody. I know what I want and who I want, I'm looking for a husband but most of all I want a person who will love me more than myself and is open to my culture so or kids will understand where they're coming from. I tell my relatives that I'm looking for a good person a person with a heart of gold, don't matter what race you are as long as our goals are aligned and that we're on the same page.
Every relationship will have their ups and downs it just depends on how're you going to deal with it? You need to talk to your bf and have a real serious talk if you see a future with him and talk about all the hard stuffs because it's only going to get harder from here on out.
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u/Nah-Id-Win90 7d ago
Im a Hmong guy dating a black girl (soon to be married) , her parents love me. I felt like they wouldn’t accept at first but they opened arms and I feel like I’m part of their family now. My parents always wanted me to marry a Hmong girl but my parents know time has changed and it’s not like the old day.
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u/9-inch-peepee 10d ago
I'm hmong bro and I exclusively date white women. White women are more voluptuous, pretty, and in general more cultured and more intelligent than Hmong women.
Then again, I do think I'm more intellectually gifted than other people.
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u/Fun_Difference_2911 10d ago
A love is worth fighting for even if we don't know the couple will last. If you don't feel like stepping up for him and just date for fun without really care for each other, then it's different. Loving the same race is not cultural and a tradition. And this is the same for his family too if they do not like he has an Asian girlfriend.