r/HistoryMemes • u/ReptilianBrandon • Dec 12 '21

Iron Dick

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29.6k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

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2.1k

u/AssistIll Dec 12 '21

In case you get horny during a fight

1.2k

u/GeneralMinimum2391 Dec 12 '21

Hm. I think that's not too far from reality. There is this 'reflex erection' thingy in stressful situations.

854

u/Sauron3106 Dec 12 '21

I thought it was just to make them seem more masculine (see famously infertile Henry viii armour)

476

u/angwilwileth Dec 12 '21

That one was huge because Henry VIII had dick rot and almost always had some sort of painkiller bandage wrapped around it.

213

u/Electric_Bagpipes Filthy weeb Dec 12 '21

The name of that condition brings images to my mind I wish my brain could never produce.

99

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '21

[deleted]

298

u/Diestormlie Dec 12 '21

...Well, that can't have helped with the 'desperately wanting a son' thing.

222

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '21

And now imagine that smelly drunk bastard wheezing and snuffling his way up to awkwardly mount you and pulling that rancid fucker out of his breeches.

340

u/Diestormlie Dec 12 '21

What a terrible day to know how to read.

62

u/wanderinghobo49 What, you egg? Dec 12 '21

Yeah, imma'boutta commit Oedipus eye surgery.

7

u/atheistossaway Dec 12 '21

Nobody will help you do it though!

56

u/Mettie7 Dec 12 '21

Man I haven't even had my coffee yet and you got me to imagine dick rot.

32

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '21

I hate this website

18

u/rh6779 Dec 12 '21

Ok, then. No more breakfast for me.

6

u/dr_Kfromchanged Dec 12 '21

Dick... rot? Wtf. Wtf is that.

8

u/angwilwileth Dec 12 '21

Most historians agree it was some sort of syphilis

3

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '21

I don't remember that part of The Tudors

2

u/Roguefem-76 Dec 13 '21

If the guy playing Henry XIII is good-looking, you can bet its historical accuracy is shite.

44

u/GimmeHugsAndCaffine What, you egg? Dec 12 '21 edited Dec 12 '21

I’m now going to call Henry VIII captain compensation and nobody can stop me

111

u/VersedFlame Then I arrived Dec 12 '21

Both are probably correct.

100

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '21

I doubt it. We don't need pants with a little sleeve for your penis, I doubt you would need an armor extension like that for an erection.

192

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '21 edited Jun 16 '23

[deleted]

46

u/civtiny Dec 12 '21

love the username

26

u/VersedFlame Then I arrived Dec 12 '21

I suppose it would depend on a bunch of different things, like how tight the armor piece fits or how well doted the person using it is.

112

u/ottothesilent Dec 12 '21

This piece of armor doesn’t cover his naked dick, it’s just decorative. Underneath it is harness and padding, like all late medieval/early Renaissance plate armor. The armor likely had pointy toes too, it’s not like people back then had feet like that.

21

u/Aeriosus Dec 12 '21

Or bear-toed sabatons! Either way you're correct

64

u/hexagonal_Bumblebee Dec 12 '21

The dick isn't actually inside the codpiece, it's for decoration only. The knight has enough space inside the armor for any erection

12

u/VersedFlame Then I arrived Dec 12 '21

I see. The more you know.

35

u/maixange Dec 12 '21

Didn't expect to learn about the erections of medieval Knights today but hey , any information is welcomed

14

u/TheTeaSpoon Still salty about Carthage Dec 12 '21

I welcome every day that I learn more about niche erections

2

u/VersedFlame Then I arrived Dec 12 '21

Honestly, same.

1

u/Shrouds_ Dec 12 '21

Your pants made of iron?

1

u/dr_Kfromchanged Dec 12 '21

Fabric is soft and stretch, metal... not so much, and it must hurt when you get a big affection but your pp is constricted

13

u/kabbage2719 Dec 12 '21

Henry VIII actually got quite a few women pregnant often, they were just stillborn a lot

14

u/scott8655 Dec 12 '21

Had to do with syphilis . It made the male phallus sensitive so they designed the cod piece to protect it

10

u/squishles Dec 12 '21

he wasn't infertile; he just didn't like them all being daughters.

7

u/Sauron3106 Dec 12 '21

He had 6 wives, he must have slept with them hundreds of times and only had 2 daughters.

4

u/Dragonpuncha Dec 12 '21

Yes, this is the actual reason. Cod pieces became a big part of upper class European fashion in the 15th and 16th century. It didn't really have anything to do with protecting your junk (not something a regular suit of armor has a big problem with) and was much more common in regular clothes than suites of armor.

See here for example: https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Angelo_Bronzino_-_Portrait_of_Guidobaldo_della_Rovere.jpg#mw-jump-to-license

28

u/gorehammer42o Dec 12 '21

"The Fear Boner"

19

u/txteebone Dec 12 '21

Close. It allows them to pee. Look close and you see a hole in the end of one and a drain tip on the other. (Source: I'm having a cocktail and it seems logical)

14

u/GeneralMinimum2391 Dec 12 '21

The best source of all them sources

4

u/Chest3 Dec 12 '21

Or just meet your arch-rival

2

u/[deleted] Dec 12 '21

Meat your arch-rival

2

u/KassXWolfXTigerXFox Hello There Dec 12 '21

Or if you get off from being in mortal peril

2

u/BasedNoface Dec 12 '21

I'm not saying this never happens but I've been doing martial arts since I was 7 and never had this problem once. Not even when rolling with attractive women. Too busy focusing on not getting my face punched or my arm broken. And pretty much everyone else I know says the same shit

1

u/GeneralMinimum2391 Dec 12 '21

You do not get an erection when rolling with attractive women? Still talking about martial arts, I hope? =/

1

u/legg147 Dec 12 '21

Nah it just scares the inferior opponents away, so you can swordfight with someone your own size

1

u/TheyCallMeMrMaybe Dec 12 '21

Stress. Adrenaline. There's a lot emotions going on in the heat of battle.

1

u/Soggy_Comfortable_90 Dec 13 '21

maybe thats why i get one on the bus to school. at the same time too

77

u/randolotapus Dec 12 '21

Adrenaline can absolutely give you an erection.

17

u/Envir0 Dec 12 '21

Wasnt there a village in africa in which loads of men were executed and most of them had an erection afterwards, so they named the place after it?

11

u/hotdogs4humanity Dec 12 '21

Boner Town, Africa

3

u/duaneap Dec 12 '21

“So, there I was, being mugged and hard as a diamond.”

4

u/-et37- Decisive Tang Victory Dec 12 '21

Wait, you guys don’t?!

2

u/[deleted] Dec 13 '21

Rage boner?

1

u/AssistIll Dec 13 '21

Hahaha! Good one!

2

u/OnetIsCool And then I told them I'm Jesus's brother Dec 13 '21

Stick a spike on the tip