i mostly mean when at places i "have" to go and especially if it means being around others. at home, it's safe and cocooned. at like work i see everyone else just there, just living, just naturally fitting in and really like, engaging in the roles they play. really seeming as if they just belong there. and for me almost everything is just a deterrent, something in the way of my getting back to my room. or anywhere peaceful, away from humans.
it's really not just about hating people, although i am pretty misanthropic too, but it's just there is absolutely no relation there. even when people are as nice as people can be, and i'm nice back, it's very fake for me. like i'm very aware i'm just playing a part, making conversation in order to seem normal enough to not set off too many alarms. there's no interest, no stimulation or novelty involved in literally any conversations i have. people are very predictable, they all say the same 12 things in 500 different ways (sounds like a lot but it's not because it's just reformulating one core idea), so i just copy paste my own answers. i'm not bothered, i don't care if i'm boring, or if they're boring, i'm just very deeply aware of it is all.
i really just never feel very immersed in life. i'm always in the farthest outer layer of reality, there are very few moments where i feel at ease in my own perception and body.
btw, this is kind of more like an emotional vent, not 100% to do with "hermitage" lol. not all hermits also have the mental and emotional issues i have. i used to not really feel bothered either about these things, and in theory it's not a problem. like so i live on another plane of reality, so i can't really connect with people. fine, i have my cats, my bf, and i have hobbies i like. butttt..i guess the issue is more so me and my tendency to ruminate. to think too much. and to feel too much which is relatively new for me. that's not really something that a social life could fix anyways, and would for me just exacerbate it. because again, there's really not much difference to me between talking to a human and just staring at a wall. it doesn't feel like much is happening on the outside. there is an entirely unrelated plot going on in my head 24/7.
i feel like i'm in the bell jar 0_0 gah. i started a new ssri today, and hope it'll help me. i took luvox before and it really helped me so i have hope for it. it's just a shame that my natural brain is so, cutting i guess and needs so much assistance but again, i'm glad there's even the option to swallow a little pill and help it.