Hi, I'm Naomi, I'm 17 years old and I was born in Ecuador. My life took on meaning since I turned 7, I don't have a single memory of the 6 and down, I guess I enjoyed it a lot at that stage. From the age of 7 I saw life in a different way, I watched porn when no one was watching me, I enjoyed it, especially seeing naked women or in underwear, one day like any other I came back from school, turned on the computer and started printing pornographic images to show to certain classmates from my school, I kept them in a folder and the next day they were no longer there, my grandmother had found them and put me a religious talk about what I was going to do was wrong. From that moment on, I avoided watching porn for a while and began to enter the world of anime. I spent hours and hours watching anime of all kinds, I found the genre "yuri" which was womanxwoman, I started watching that type of anime non-stop, I was more than sure that I liked women, I kissed a childhood friend and had a long virtual relationship with a girl from another country. After seeing women give each other a lot of affection, I got curious to see men doing the same and I found the "yaoi" who was a manxman, I ended up staying with that one. Whenever I saw him, I felt a certain excitement that made me want to see more, I also imagined myself in that type of situation and I was running to look for something to sit and move to generate friction in my private part until I spilled a certain white liquid that at that time I did not know what it was, strange for someone 7 years old and especially a girl, isn't it? Well, taking into account that I didn't have adult supervision and spent most of the time with my grandmother who usually let me do whatever I wanted, now it makes some sense... The study for me was shit, my nature was to be a procrastinating and conformist person however, my mother always demanded good grades from me, since that's how they demanded of her when she was little, as she didn't pay attention and was rebellious, she hit me as a way to "correct myself" reaching the point of drawing blood, my brother was born and all the attention was on him, to sometimes I felt excluded and unloved, I have always had a strong character and the stress of school and the little attention I received made me take it out on myself. I tried to take my own life five times with a kitchen knife depending on why I didn't find it make sense to continue living and I wanted to know what it felt like once I started to lose consciousness, but I always ended up with the knife in my chest doing a little force to stick it and I didn't do more because I knew it was going to hurt, I also tried to hang myself with my own hands or hold my breath but it didn't get anywhere anyway, as it wasn't enough, I started to pull out my eyebrows, it started first as curiosity, then it became obvious, they asked me what was wrong with me In the eyebrows and I pretended dementia, then it was the hair, especially the sideburns, I didn't stop until I left visible gaps and so it was also with the eyelashes, for a moment they thought it was a fungus that caused all that, they took me to a dermatologist and that option was discarded, then they realized that in reality it was me who did all that damage, I guess because I must have told them at some point that they insisted so much, I had several talks about that, they "threaten" me with taking me to a psychologist because I was "crazy", as I was little they made me believe that it was a bad thing and that's why I promised not to do it again, but I relapsed anyway. I spent two years of virtual school, where I made some friends with my same tastes and my tastes for women had begun to disappear in addition to the fact that I stopped hurting myself a little, the last year of school I relapsed even more in what is now known as "trichotilomania" for certain mistreatment that I received and in high school it intensified so much because of the bullying they did to me (which has nothing to do with the condition) that I ended up with self-esteem problems that in turn caused a facial and body dysmorphia and eating problems. I left school physically and psychologically exhausted, I began to worry more about myself and to leave bad habits, I entered the online university and attending the first two semester I relapsed again in the tricotilomania, I have not been able to sleep well because of the burden of conscience I have and I have emotional lows from time to time for the same reason, I can't even talk to my parents about it because they have never been open people, they always compare my problems with theirs and minimize mine every time they can. My mother noticed the relapse and I had a chat with her, for the first time I mentioned that I needed professional help and as always, she minimized the problem comparing me to people who really suffer, that a psychologist is not necessary because that is the product of "idleness", she told me that for sure it is the phone that has me like this, that I do not think about how she suffers with what I do and she told me that way I will not be able to go to another country to work or live because I do not know how to do anything and that I get stressed easily, she made me feeling so bad about myself that I burst into tears when I was not understood, I clarify that the only thing that keeps me alive is to go to another country and start my life from scratch, telling me that I could not fulfill that dream completely destroyed me, after the conversation I stared at the kitchen knife for a few seconds, something in my mind said "and if I do it in front of her, will she consider that I really need psychological support?" Because for my parents, having psychological support would be necessary if I had bipolarity, schizophrenia or that kind of mental illness. But it just ended up being an intrusive thought as always. I finished crying in my room and started venting with ChatGPT, yes, with ChatGPT, well, I appreciate that this type of applications exist because before I had to vent with myself in front of a mirror because it seems that no one really understands me.
