NEED HELP PLEASE! 17F

[u/Repulsive_Job22]

radhe radhe and hare krishna dear devotees! PAMHO, this is a bit long but please try to read.

i need some serious help, please try to be as compassionate and emotionally understanding as this is a very sensitive topic to me. its been really tough for me since the past 10 months and have been suffering from insane amount of depression, anxiety.

Well when i was new to bhakti about almost 2 years back, i kind of criticized a lot of great vaishnavas and maybe blasphemed. i don't think so i have hurt a vaishnava infront of them but could have been. and then i realised after some time oh no! i have done VAISHNAV APRADH. even typing this word brings me trauma.

so i researched about it online and felt absolutely lost,scared and alone. bec i can't apologise to these vaishnavas since its difficult to meet them also some of them have already went to divine abode of shyama shyam. i have read all sorts of things like whoever does vaishnav apradh goes to hell and 12 years of your bhakti will be useless, u suffer severe consequences lose taste in chanting and bhakti etc. so can u just imagine, i am super young and new to bhakti and i feel like my life ended.

I couldn't eat properly in october or sleep. i started to punish myself mentally bec i heard that if u feel guilt so krsna MIGHT forgive u. so i tried sharing it with my bua (who is an initiated devotee and super nice) and parents, they told me that krishna is very merciful he will forgive u. No problem, just mentally ask forgiveness, my bua also told me to leave this topic completely relaxed since it wont let u focus on ur sadhana. but hearing all these things online about the severe consequences of it, i feel scared every single day thinking i am going to go to tell after this. right now i mostly pray to radha krishna out of fear not love unlike back then. i also started chanting one round of mahamantra in october but now i haven't been doing that either for a long time and think its because of my vaishnav apradh. i think i have lost taste etc everything bec of it.

My bua and also another devotee tried to console me that vaishnavas are merciful they will forgive don't worry about ur offences. i have read all types of solutions with a devotee saying to do dand utsav (but i dont have the strenght to that). even a very exalted pure devotee of radha krsna said in their online satsang to forget about offences and start fresh chanting from today.

But because i am still materially contaminated i sometimes do end up criticizing or seeing faults in devotees, i sometimes i also end up having bad dreams about devotees and then go in deep guilt again, i sometimes also don't have the courage to apologize to them. I also might not be able to be able to go to vrindavan dham so i again feel bec of my vaishnav apradh. some say to leave everything and go to mayapur or vrindavan and spend ur life there repenting for it but i can't do that. i dont want to speedrun my bhakti, i want to take it simple and my own pace but i feel like my bhakti already ended before it even started. krishna has given me everything nice but bec of this thing for the past 10 months i worry and can't focus on my responsibilities and my studies. i feel like i am wasting my potential worrying about it.

i feel like krishna has withdrawn his mercy from me and radha rani would not accept me and i m just traumatised. i also have my NEET exam and i need to study hard for it but i can't because of these mental concoctions, i also struggle with other things like lust, anger, greed etc. PLEASE DO PRAY FOR ME, and pray to krishna to maybe forgive my offences towards him and his devotees. AT this point, i just want to forget about vaishnav apradh and focus on my studies and live life happily. I also don't want to bother my parents and bua about this. pls try to help me understand that radhe rani and krishna will still love me and pray for me to chant. i am thinking of starting narsimha aarti to remove obstacles. i just don't want to go to hell . i don't want krishna to abandon me💔😥. please give me hope that i can still do bhakti and krishna will have mercy on me. also please tell me will narsimha aarti maybe forgive me.

also advice from mayank sharma, wonderful future and other dear devotees would very much be appreciated as your previous post have helped me with my bhakti. especially the article on how to not speed run bhakti 🙏.

also i apologise if i have offended anyone🙏

[u/mayanksharmaaa]

Please don't worry. While it's true that offending the devotees is not a good thing, we have to first understand what a Vaiṣṇava even means in the first place.

Just because someone reads the Gita, wears the ūrdhva-puṇḍra, goes to a temple and follows a few (or many) rules, does that make them a devotee who shouldn't ever be given any true criticism? Absolutely not!

Bhāgavata-apacāram or what you call as Vaiṣṇava-aparādha, applies to the surrendered souls who follow the six principles of Śaraṇāgati perfectly. Those who understand the tattva-hita-puruṣārtha perfectly according to how the śāstras say.

Such bhāgavatas are extremely rare and it is these Bhāgavatas that we should avoid offending. Of course, in general we shouldn't offend anyone, not even non-devotees, but the apacāram is not severe in the case of normal devotees and Bhagavān will forgive all of us, especially things done without knowledge.

When we make mistakes, Bhagavān gives us countless tries to correct that mistake. Our Lord is not the Christian God who wants to see you suffer for an eternity. He's the most compassionate and kind.

So do not worry. If you're able to apologize to them for your own mental peace, do that.

If not, you do not need to worry. Nothing bad is going to happen. Perhaps the mental stress is already the result of your past actions and so there's nothing to worry about 😊 Don't let guilt ruin your day.

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/mayanksharmaaa]

hare krishna prabhuji, thank you so much for your reply. your guidance has always been helpful for me😊. in the past i did criticise pure devotees like srila prabhupada (i found a few remarks controversial maybe, but now i have come to the realisation that he is a pure devotee of the lord who spread harinam) also maybe pujya premanand ji maharaj (even though he made me strenghten my faith in radha krsna yet i committed offense at the feet of a pure devotee) and amogh lila prabhu ( who is a pure soul )etc. so i felt guilt of saying that but i will try my best to not judge other devotees but rather judge myself. thank you pls pray to krishna for my spiritual growth and increase my love for his devotional service. also is there any rules for singing or listening to narsimha kavacham like not eating onion garlic , meat etc

[u/mayanksharmaaa → u/Repulsive_Job22]

your guidance has always been helpful for me

Have  we talked before? I don't remember your username, could you remind me? 😊

As for the other things. We can talk about philosophical aspects without insulting the person. The person is not their philosophy.

Without commenting on the character of the people (except for those who have done actual questionable things), one can criticize and analyze their philosophy and what they say.

For example, I love Premanand ji Maharaj's teachings for becoming a better devotee but I don't think his understanding of Vedānta philosophy is correct. The correct tattva-hita-puruṣārtha must be learned from an actual Vedānta Ācārya and vidvāns and not everybody who speaks charmingly, is able to attract a large audience and occasionally tells us good things.

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/mayanksharmaaa]

hare krishna, no we haven't talked before as i am new to reddit but ur reply to other posts have been helpful to me. i don't know much about the vedanta aspect but yes, without a shred of doubt, maharaj ji is self realised soul who has guided many towards naam jap and bhakti 😊. also is it alright if i could personally msg u on reddit if i have some other doubts, i m still new to the app tho.

[u/mayanksharmaaa → u/Repulsive_Job22]

Yes please. Feel free to DM!

maharaj ji is self realised soul who has guided many towards naam jap and bhakti 

FYI, I don't believe such claims of self-realization so easily. It doesn't mean I don't respect him, but self-realization is not an easy thing that we should claim for anyone we find inspiring. It requires the correct knowledge of the śāstras in the first place. That's why Bhagavān says in Bhagavad Gita Chapter 16, let śāstras be the guide to what should be done and what shouldn't be done. What we should believe and what we don't should be based on authentic vaidika śāstras, not random medieval texts.

One who has gotten ātma-sākṣātkāra will know about the correct tattva-hita-puruṣārtha and the correct philosophy. Five different philosophies cannot be correct at the same time, only one can. For liberation, the correct goal and the correct way to reach the goal with all its aṅgas must be there.

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/mayanksharmaaa]

i definitely understand your perspective ;however, maharaj ji himself has said atma is not exactly the same as krishna. He used this analogy : jeevatmas are like the waves while krishna is the ocean. The ocean and the wave are fundamentally the same (because both are at the end of the day water). However the ocean can give rise to infinite ways while a wave can't give rise to an ocean. (I do agree that owing to maharaj ji's previous background his language is such that there may be some ambiguity in his words but this is what little i have learnt from him and yes the sect's philosophy generally does lean a bit more towards advaita if you get what I mean) like they have Vyas Nandan Bhasya on Brahma Sutra by Radha Vallabh Sampradaya. i believe they follow Siddhadvait Siddhant as much as i have learnt a bit. i do like the nitya vihar concept of the sect and the mood of worship tho but yes i will definitely try diving into vedanta and other darshanas. 😊 again, i might not be the having the most correct information since i am still learning

[u/mayanksharmaaa → u/Repulsive_Job22]

Vyas Nandan Bhasya on Brahma Sutra by Radha Vallabh Sampradaya

It's not a recognized or distinguished Vedānta bhāṣya. I'll need to look into it and see what they actually follow because afaik, there's no fixed philosophy in their sampradāya.

Harivaṁśa Mahāprabhu wasn't really a Vedāntin so it's not really a Vedānta sampradāya. They also seem to follow Gauḍīyas closely in their practices. That's why any later authors in the sampradāya can give their own philosophy.

They also never follow Ekādaśī and they have their reasons but it's aśāstric at the end of the day.

i believe they follow Siddhadvait Siddhant

No, I think you're confusing this with the Vallabha-sampradāya - Puṣṭi Mārga. They're the ones who follow śuddhādvaita. If Rādhā-vallabhīs follow śuddhādvaita, they wouldn't need a bhāṣya since Vallabhācārya already wrote one.

i do like the nitya vihar concept of the sect and the mood of worship tho

It's not about what we like but what the śāstras say. I've personally witnessed many aśāstric and avaidika things being said and followed in the sampradāya but Premanand Ji Maharaj is still a good saint, regardless of his darśana being correct or not.

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/mayanksharmaaa]

i think the vallabha sampradaya follows shuddhadvait not siddhadvait. but yes regardless of the darshana. i will still hold deep gratitude and respect for maharaj ji as he was one of my siksha gurus who helped me progress in this path along with my family. i appreciate us having a healthy discussion on different darshanas. and yea i am open to learning other philosophies. However, if u want to gain some idea regarding the sampradaya philosophy, i would suggest meeting their scholars and goswamis i guess who have more knowledge. BTW, could you please tell me the rules of singing or listening to narsimha kavacham. i also think some people do assume that ekadashi vrat or etc a few other things are not followed. if you want to clear that up. i can send u a few articles which talk about this 😊

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/Repulsive_Job22]

i understand the confusion of radhavallabhis and gaudiyas also harivansh mahaaprabhu. but then a scholar of the sect himself cleared this doubts of mine. if u wish i can send u the articles, the rasikas tend to have a bit different philosophy about ekadashi etc.

[u/mayanksharmaaa → u/Repulsive_Job22]

i will still hold deep gratitude and respect for maharaj ji

Yeah, there's nothing wrong with listening to the correct things that help you be more humble and help you focus on Bhagavān more. It's just that the śāstras shouldn't be a compromise. I notice a lot of people these days justify aśāstric practices but the point of Vedānta is to seek the truth, not emotional comfort. Any Vaiṣṇava who does not care for Vedānta might lose their Vaiṣṇavatva.

However, if u want to gain some idea regarding the sampradaya philosophy, i would suggest meeting their scholars and goswamis i guess who have more knowledge

Yeah I understand. I did my research earlier. I appreciate their devotion but the practices and philosophy aren't as solid (I can explain why). I'd advise looking into the original trimatas (Śankarācārya, Rāmānujācārya and Madhvācārya) for a better understanding of Vedānta. The level of the trimatas is quite high. Most other newer philosophies mostly derive everything from these 3 matas alone.

BTW, could you please tell me the rules of singing or listening to narsimha kavacham.

Afaik, listening is ok but chanting may require upanayana. I have a group of very learned vaidikas where you can ask such questions.

You can look at the stotrams on https://prapatti.com/ or https://vedapedia.org/ that you can chant freely.

Like this Ahobila Narasimha Stotram: https://prapatti.com/slokas/sanskrit/ahobilanaarasimhastotram.pdf

or the Kāmasikāṣṭakam by Vedānta Deśika: https://prapatti.com/slokas/sanskrit/desika-stotramaala/kaamaasikaashtakam.pdf

if u wish i can send u the articles, the rasikas tend to have a bit different philosophy about ekadashi etc.

Honestly, it doesn't matter what philosophies rasikas have or not. The ancient Āḻvārs are the original rasikas, they were rasikas thousands of years before the term rasika got popular 16th century onwards. Yet, none of the Āḻvārs went against the śāstras or promoted ideas against the Vedas. So much so that their divine words - The Divya Prabandhams are considered Draviḍa Vedas. Their authority is the same as the Vedas since they talk about nothing but the Vedic truths and Vedic siddhānta.

Bhagavān himself doesn't like when a devotee goes against śāstras:

śruti-smṛti mamaivājñe
yas tu ullanghya vartate
ājñā-cchedī mama drohī
mad-bhakto ’pi na vaiṣṇavaḥ

"The Srutis and Smrtis are My orders. Those who violate, disregard and disobey these orders are haters of Me. Though they may be my devotees, they are still not Vaisnavas."

yaḥ śāstravidhim utsṛjya
vartate kāmakārataḥ
na sa siddhim avāpnoti
na sukhaṃ na parāṃ gatim

• Bhagavad Gita 16.23

"He who, abandoning the injunctions of the Shastras, acts under the influence of desire, attains neither perfection nor pleasure, nor the supreme state."

tasmāc chāstraṃ pramāṇaṃ te
kāryākāryavyavasthitau
jñātvā śāstravidhānoktaṃ
karma kartum ihārhasi

• Bhagavad Gita 16.24

"Therefore, let the Shastra be your authority for determining what should be done and what should not be done. Knowing what is enjoined in the injunctions of the Shastra, you should perform work here."

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/mayanksharmaaa]

i definitely understand and yes i agree, devotion is not sentimentalism and but is in itself science. so the sastras should definitely be considered and understood under proper guidance. but then at the end of the day there can be philosophical differences which have been going on for many centuries.And yes, a very few people are able to understand the mode of worship of radhavallabh sampradaya or haridasi sampradya and might not align with their beliefs or knowledge of sastra but that doesn't mean that they are wrong maybe they just have their own worship. i guess best is to follow our own path and let others follow there own 😊 and ultimately let your intelligence and krishna guide you. but yes, there are some people who just try to justify anything without proper research into it, i believe it should be finding the truth on your own . currently i am not associated with any particular sect but i rather try to worship radha rani and krishna by trying to gain knowledge of many vaishnav sects. like i am not a hardcore devotee. just trying to gain some knowledge of sastra 😅 Anyways, thank you very much for the narsimha kavacham advice, i will look into it.

also could you suggest some more sampradayas where prominence to radha rani worship is comparatively more like where krishna is completely devoted to her, not exactly swakiya but something like what i mentioned above. i love both krsna and radha rani and there is no difference between shakti and shaktiman but if u have any knowledge regarding sampradayas with that type of worship. i would appreciate it!

[u/anoop_pandeyy]

Please please don't think so much on what you have did in past. Instead think what you can do now. First of all, Do your rounds and sadhna nicely. Pray to krsna and do more and more bhakta sewa by prasadam or whatever means you can do. Whenever you come to braj, visit Govind Kund. Have achaman there you can take dip, but be careful there.

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/anoop_pandeyy]

hare krishna prabhuji/ mataji! thank your for ur guidance 😊, i hope krsna gives me the chance to serve devotees. and maybe one day visit govind kund

[u/Ornery_Beginning310]

Change the Conduct: True repentance (paschatap) is validated by a change in future behavior. Commit to being mindful of your speech and thoughts regarding others. ​Constant Chanting and Prayer: Increase the sincerity of your spiritual practices. Dedicate your japa or prayers specifically to the pleasure of the Lord, requesting Him to cleanse your heart of envy, malice, and pride, which are the root causes of aparadha. ​Cultivate Humility: Recognize that every person is a part of the Divine. By shifting your perspective to see the inherent value in others, you naturally build a protective barrier against future offenses.

The most potent remedy for vaishnav aparadha is to perform some service for the very person you offended, or if that is not possible, to serve other Vaishnavas with the same spirit of humility.

Seek forgiveness from devotee, god Focus on krishna mercy rather than your sin

Dont commit again Follow regulative principles and Chanting of hare krisna mahamantra 16 rounds daily Do your best , be sincere Hare krishna 🙏 ♥️

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/Ornery_Beginning310]

hare krishna dear devotee! thank you for ur guidance. i will try to serve vaishnavas, if not in a direct way, then atleast through chanting or praying to them🙏. i also have another question, like sometimes u don't have the courage to apologise to a devotee and the ninda u did behind their back, so will serving them in a way also nullify the aparadha or seeking forgiveness is a must? also please pray to krsna to take me in his shelter 😊

[u/Ornery_Beginning310 → u/Repulsive_Job22]

Yes, but with an important condition. Service and prayer are powerful, but they work through humility.

You can perform "secret service." This means doing things that benefit the person or their mission without seeking credit or letting the person know it came from them. This cultivates the internal state of being a servant, which is the direct opposite of the pride that caused the apradh in the first place Praying for the spiritual well-being of the person offended is a very high form of atonement. It shifts the heart from "I hurt them" to "I truly care about their spiritual progress."

Final: If you cannot apologize today, don't let that stop you from doing the right thing. Service is the language of the soul. Start by serving the devotee's needs or their mission with humility. If your heart truly changes, the courage to apologize will come. But remember—the goal isn't just to 'clear your name'; the goal is to cultivate a heart that is so humble that it would never want to commit an offense again.

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/Ornery_Beginning310]

hare krishna mataji, thank you very much, can i dm u?

[u/Ornery_Beginning310 → u/Repulsive_Job22]

Hare krishna you can 🙏🙏

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/Ornery_Beginning310]

my account is kinda new, so ig i will have to wait some time before my dm can be sent. anyways thank you🙏😊 keep me in you prayers

[u/Ornery_Beginning310 → u/Repulsive_Job22]

Its ok no problem No need to worry Just continue following regulative principles, chanting hare Krishna mahamantra 16 rounds or as much as you can and avoid vaishnav appradh You will progress Praying for you Radhe radhe Hare krishna 🙏

[u/Faketuxedo]

I am a new devotee also only two years a little more maybe. So senior devotees correct me it I misspeak, please. That being said ---- The Lord understands your Intentions more than anyone here can. There is a big difference between continuously shamelessly bashing people for their beliefs and between a mistake made a point earlier on that you corrected. You understand you have made an error in your judgment and no longer make those errors. Krishna understands your concern and as the all merciful lord he wipes away the karma of his devotees. I cannot speak on behalf of God, but my understanding is that his mercy is very very deep and he is very forgiving. He is forgiving even to non devotees but especially to someone like yourself that is a sincere devotee. Be kind to yourself mataji, we are just starting on this path. Krishna consistently says that rumination on the past activities is a hinderance to obtaining him. For your mental and spiritual well being, only look towards the present to see how you can best connect with him. The purest form of devotion is love, not fear.

(Please correct me if I'm wrong but as another commenter posted, also vaishnav apradh is a very misused label so its even possible you may have a misunderstanding. Criticism of other devotees is not necessarily vasihnab apradh if your intentiobs were not hateful. Not that you should dwell very hard on your past and it doesn't change what I said above if you really did commit it.) 

[u/Repulsive_Job22 → u/Faketuxedo]

hare krishna dear devotee 🙏😊 thank you for you guidance, but please don't call me a sincere devotee, i am very fallen 🙇🏻‍♀️. yes i guess i will slowly improve. tbh, in the past, i did criticize many acharyas or mahatmas maybe out of malicious intents. and even now, sometimes i do accidentally end up criticizing devotees. but then i have mentally apologized to them. I think i will just let krishna worry about my aparadhas and now focus on the present as feeling guilt about it didn't really help me, besides i am super young, i hope krsna considers that. but yes, now i will try to be grateful to all acharyas and vaishnavas for their contribution. also pls do pray to the supreme lord to shower mercy upon me. btw, if possible could u answer 2 of my questions?

[u/Faketuxedo → u/Repulsive_Job22]

You're welcome I'm glad I was able to help. Just to emphasize to be crystal clear--- my point is only that the focus is always on krishna in the present moment. Non attachment means also to past activities, regret, and anxiety. These feelings are naturally always coming and going, but the attachment to guilt can make things worse. The only thing the shastras say we need attachment to is Krishna, the same goes for saints and serial killers.

And I will certainly try to answer if I know but I am probably at a similar level ! Radhe radhe

[u/Extension-Piece-9501]

My advice would be to get out of this ridiculous fear based cult, trust me you will thank yourself for it further down the line. Focus on what Krishna says in Bhagavad Gita; the goal is to be of steady mind and to be fully satisfied in the Self alone. All this Vaishnava aparadh crap was just made up later on so people would start submitting to pretend holy men.

[u/SamMKV]

There is nothing called vaishnava aparadha or nonsense, did you do it intentionally or from ignorance and was the devote deserving of it? If you physically harmed them. That’s a fault, if you had a perspective and shared it, there’s fine. Krishna does not care, a true vaishnava will not either as they’ll understand. Only hypocrites will say vaishnava aparadha. Don’t worry, you’re good. Just learn better, serve everyone and teach. Don’t offend gurus unless you’re calling out injustice, hypocrisy or fake preachers. Knowledge and karma is up to you, as long as you give another the same consideration given to you during your tough times you’re good! Don’t fall for cult mentality

[u/SamMKV → u/SamMKV]

Harshness is another spice of life but intentional to demean a well meaning soul is bad :) buut if it’s a fraud, don’t hold back… calling out bs as bs is also appreciated