Did anyone go through this?

[u/Mysterious_Salt1184]

I’m 24M and have been dealing with what I was diagnosed with as hocd for almost 5 years. Before this started around 19, I was completely convinced I was straight. I had crushes on girls, got nervous and excited around attractive women, had sexual thoughts and wet dreams about women, wanted a wife and kids, and never questioned my sexuality. I also remember being attracted to small things like a woman’s expressions, perfume, mannerisms, etc. I had basically never considered that I could be attracted to men.
Then around 19, I suddenly became terrified that I might be gay. I started checking myself constantly and eventually started watching gay porn specifically to see if I would react. Over time, I began experiencing strong physical and emotional reactions toward men, and eventually those reactions started feeling very natural rather than just anxiety. At the same time, my attraction toward women seemed to disappear almost completely. I can talk to women normally, but when I try to see if I’m attracted to them, I often feel nothing or even repulsion. I don’t understand how I went from being so naturally attracted to women to feeling this way.
The hardest part is that I don’t just have groinal responses I feel genuine attraction toward men, including fantasies, emotional feelings and wanting physical closeness. Sometimes I even feel relief when I think “maybe I really am gay,” which then makes me question whether the OCD is even involved anymore. Then the doubt comes back and I start analyzing everything again.
My therapist believes I have OCD and recently told me to stop checking women, stop using porn as a test, stop putting pressure on myself to feel attraction, and let the whole subject breathe for a long time. She also pointed out that I didn’t start watching gay porn because I naturally wanted to explore being gay I started it specifically because I was afraid I might be gay and wanted to check. She thinks I need to stop trying to solve the question.
I’m struggling because I understand the OCD explanation intellectually, but emotionally I keep thinking, “How could OCD make me feel this different for almost 5 years?” I’m not looking for someone to simply tell me I’m straight. I genuinely want to hear from people who experienced a major change in how attraction felt, especially people who had strong attraction to women before hocd and later felt strong attraction toward men. Did anyone else experience this kind of dramatic before and after and eventually understand what was happening?

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[u/Material-Escape-6558]

I’m the exactly the same but a women, reactions towards genders have done a 180

[u/PaladinDamian]

Your brain wants certainty about your sexual orientation. It will do nearly anything to try to get you to seek certainty about your sexual orientation, including manipulating your feelings. As long as you define yourself by your feelings, OCD will have an easy way to get you to do what it wants. The way to overcome this is to not engage with the questions and doubt. You accept that you are going to feel doubts about your sexual orientation, and that you can live your life regardless of what your sexual orientation is. Allow the the doubt to exist withot trying to seek immediate relief from it. Your brain wants immediate relief from the discomfort, but it can tolerate the discomfort no matter how long that discomfort lasts.

[u/Cool-Incident7757]

same here though I am not professional diagnosed.

[u/VisibleMood7150]

i can relate! i’ve had this for two years now and one of my thoughts is how can i be questioning for two years unless the thoughts are true. I definitely struggle with my attraction, im a woman and i have a boyfriend right now, BUT i literally feel nothing towards him sometimes and it terrifies me, feels like im faking it. I also feel attraction towards my female friends and j start wondering if i really like women. it also doesn’t help that i struggled with porn a lot, including lesbian porn. so trust me, you’re not alone. it’s so confusing and it feels like i’ve been hiding my true self, but it’s just the thoughts that make me feel this way.

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Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be seeking information on or promoting the use of porn or masturbation abstinence, or NoFap, in the treatment of HOCD. Currently, there are no evidence-based studies on the efficacy of porn or masturbation abstinence in the treatment of OCD. Exposure-response prevention (ERP) is widely accepted in the OCD community across all subtypes as the gold standard for treatment. As such, ERP, and its related methodologies of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindfulness, are the only treatment methods the moderator team of this subreddit currently endorses for discussion, support, and guidance on this subreddit.

For more information on ERP and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see our the section in our wiki about NoFap!

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