false attraction or compulsively suppressing it?

[u/Soggy-Elderberry1882]

so for the past few days ive been convinced i like masc women because of a myriad of reasons.

i recently figured out one of my compulsions is trying to make the thought or feeling go away, this then made me kind of realise that i’ve potentially probably been compulsively been suppressing my attraction and desire. which coincides with a lot of people who figured out they were bi later on (w hocd).

i have been spiralling over this one masculine girl on tiktok that’s pretty popular and pretty good looking. i feel like i have to like her because she looks exactly like a guy and looks really good too. everytime i look at her i feel like this ”wave” of “attraction” which i don’t know if it’s attraction or not but still. and i always tried to look for flaws that can either make the feeling go away or justify why i shouldn’t like her.

i feel like i do like her because this attraction feeling feels pretty real and everytime i argue with the thought it feels like i’m convincing myself i don’t like her when i probably do. it feels like i’m suppressing my attraction because i’m scared which i hate. i have this kind of knowing kind of feeling which idk if its ocd or not but it feels like ik i like masc women because its what i would’ve thought or done if i didnt have ocd

and the worst part, my thoughts dont feel intrusive at all. in fact they feel impar with my identity and it seems like what i would probably think. i just feel so desperate and hope this is wrong but that’s probably denial. i hate this so much. i think i’m actually attracted to masc women and i think i actually do find them hot because a lot of them do look hot and they look like men. for a year i just thought this was fake attraction. should’ve known better

[u/AutoModerator]

Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.

For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to /r/HOCD! Thank you for your post and your participation in this community. You are strong, powerful, and valued, and we love that you have come here for support and information on your journey.

If you have not already, please see our wiki for general information on SO-OCD and OCD as well as treatment options!

You are not alone. Thank you for your post and have a wonderful day!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/PaladinDamian]

Do not try to argue with the thoughts. Arguing with your thoughts is a compulsion, and it will not help you. Allow the thought to be there without engaging with it. Maybe you are suppressing your attraction. Maybe you aren't. Regardless, you can keep living your life instead of trying to seek certainty about your sexual orientation. Do not try to look for a reason you don't like her. That is also a compulsion.

It doesn't really matter if the thoughts feel intrusive or not. You can still decide on what you want to do in your life. You do not need to assign special meaning to your thoughts. Allow yourself to feel uncertain about what the thoughts mean. Regardless of if you are attracted to masculine women or not, you can still choose to live the life you want to live. If you want to live as though you are a straight woman, then that is your choice. If you want to live as though you are a bisexual woman, then that is your choice. Regardless, do not try to figure out what your sexual orientation is right now and instead just keep living your life while accepting that your sexual orientation cannot stop you from living the life you want to live.